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Relief as last millionaire Brexiter secures burgundy passports for himself and his children

LCD Views can reveal mass outbreaks of relief across these patriotic blue islands today as news filtered through that the last millionaire Brexiter had secured burgundy passports for himself and his children.

“It’s just wonderful,” Ms Stukathom told us, while we lined up to bulk buy beans for the impending Brexit, “my children have been asking me over and over lately, mummy, what if those poor disaster capitalists that have engineered the calamity get stuck at home? Unable to flee to a nearby European country with sufficient food? And what about the Lexit kings? Will they be okay? Warm in their bellies knowing that the food riots are just eggs breaking to make the omelette of their decades long fevered dream?”

It seems Ms Stukathom can reassure her anxious young that it will be okay, none of the people who have lied through their teeth to damn an entire country for their short term profit, their ideological wet dream, and the furthering of a certain kleptomaniac’s international, statecraft agenda, need worry. They and their families will be okay.

“Do you think this supermarket will be ground zero on the day?” she asked us next, “I mean, once people realise that with only a few days worth of food in the country, and Dover a parking lot for the foreseeable future, it’s going to be a riot doing the grocery shopping.”

We think she is quite right to raise the issue.

As a responsible international, solely print media, tabloid style, truth owning publication of long standing renown going back months now, we would like to advise anyone still reading to do one thing and one thing only in preparation for Brexit.

Firstly, don’t worry about the millionaires that cheated to get you into this situation. Don’t worry about the leaders of the major political parties jamming the United Kingdom into calamity for their own personal ambition. They will all be alright.

But secondly (okay, two things), START BULK BUYING TINNED FOOD AND CANDLES NOW! Learn to set a snare. Learn to light a fire with sticks. Do it today.

And remember, if you only have a blue passport in the future, and richer and/or better connected people still have burgundy ones, you’ll be able to trade your pets in at the many makeshift government border crossings in order to get through and claim political asylum in the EU27 country of your choice. Assuming you haven’t already eaten your pets.

Those nights guarding the fully controlled borders of mighty England are going to be as long and at times as cold as Norther Korean ones. The guards will appreciate a warm meal as they clutch their blue passports tight and watch you scurry into a boat and away from Dover. Or any of the many other hundreds of ports of your choice.

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Champagne producers surprised to learn champagne is sold in Wetherspoons

Champagne producers were expressing surprise today after learning champagne is allegedly sold in Wetherspoons.

”I’ll have to check with my sales team,” Mr Moët told us, “Wetherspoons is not exactly known as a place to go if you want to drink champagne? From what I understand you go to Wetherspoons to learn about geopolitical issues from beer mats while drowning your sorrows about your personal life?”

Other producers were similarly surprised.

”This is a slander,” Mrs Bollie said, “if we’re helping that puffed up bullfrog  make money with our product I’ll be putting an end to it immediately, even before the hard Brexit he keeps calling for ruins that tub thumping idiot’s business model.”

But Mr Martin, boss of the Witheringspoon chain was adamant he’d stuff them first.

”We return it all once it hits sell by date anyway,” he said in the sort of droning monotone that neatly expresses his inner hollow, “people keep saying just because I get most of my staff from the EU, that only membership of the customs union and single market actually makes my cut price cat’s piss business model viable don’t know how self defeating I’m prepared to be on Brexit.”

Thats an interesting point. Why is that? Some suspect the drop in the pound is really hurting you and further devaluation could see you stuffed?

”Just read my beer mats. I make them myself while screaming into a void.”

So how will you respond to the champagne makers surprise they even do business with you? Apparently it’s not because they don’t think anyone drinking in your place wouldn’t drink champagne, it’s more who in hell would choose to drink it with you?

”By limiting the range of product I offer to only Kent sparkling in wines, regardless of how much there is in supply. Oh and by reminding everyone in the EU that they need my pub chain more than it needs them.”

You just thought you could baffle your customers with bullshit and bully your way with the EU, didn’t you?

”Wait until after Brexit. My political chums will have ways to deal with traitors like you. You’ll be finding yourself on a beer mat with wanted on top.”

If the mat is as accurate as the fact free crap you always produce, I fancy I’ll be pretty safe. Good luck with Brexit. I’m sure you’re really only motivated to try and free yourself from a bunch of red tape that stops you looking after your staff the way you want to.

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Secret tunnel between Downing Street and the Kremlin nicknamed “Putin’s Back Passage”

A disgruntled former Number Ten staffer has revealed the ‘missing link’ between London and Moscow. Not only the existence of a secret tunnel beneath Europe, but also that its unofficial name is “Putin’s Passage”.

The true name of the tunnel is the Trans-Continental Expressway. It was apparently built in great haste by Carillion after David Cameron surprisingly won the 2010 election. It means that personnel, documents and money can be transferred without detection between the two global giants seeking to destroy the EU.

It is also alleged that Arron Banks has often used it when going to visit his Russian in-laws. The fact that he could kill two birds with one stone and act as a go-between is entirely coincidental.

This means that Russia is undermining Europe quite literally as well as metaphorically.

None of the mainstream media wanted to run the story, because Brexit is boring, innit, and besides there’s a football tournament starting up soon. So whistleblower Anne Othergrass spoke to LCD Views instead.

“I felt a duty to speak out,” said Othergrass. “A hell of a lot of public money was diverted away from the NHS to pay for the tunnel and bonuses for Carillion’s directors.”

Didn’t the Russians contribute?

“They set up all the sub-contractors,” she replied. “Shedloads of roubles passed through Carillion and these other companies, and paid massive dividends to the Russian government.”

So how come Carillion collapsed?

“Oh, that was to avoid scrutiny!” she said. “And also to duck out of any obligation to provide public infrastructure in the UK.”

The tunnel’s nickname arose, Othergrass confirmed, because of the sheer amount of shit the Russians dumped on the UK government. “Take the shit or the money stops flowing,” was the threat.

So Brexit proceeds, driven by the Spirit of Empire Past in the west, and funded by the Spirit of Empire Yet To Come in the east. Stuck in the middle with EU.

And now we know exactly how far Brexiters are up Putin’s Arse.

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Oyster Walk to continue after Oysters accept Carpenter’s assurances

Oysters living in beds on the briny beach have abandoned efforts to halt their being taken for a “walk up the beach” by the Walrus and the Carpenter following “significant” concessions made by the Carpenter.

“We have received the personal assurances from the Carpenter that she will agree to the broad thrust of our proposals for a “meaningful vote” on both the planned walk up the beach, and also on the potential use of pepper and vinegar,” said a spokesman for the rebel oysters, Gromonic Dieve.

Confirming that talks on ancillary agreements concerning the issue of “seas and ships and sealing wax” had been successfully concluded, he added that a deal over “cabbages and kings” was imminent but that some differences still remained concerning “why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings”,  which he was sure could be ironed out without unnecessary unpleasantness.

Commenting briefly on the agreement, the Carpenter said only that it was “A matter of trust”, but declined to rule out the possible future introduction of bread and butter into the proceedings.

However, despite the assurances offered by the Carpenter, the Walrus appeared to rule out backing the oyster’s consultation plan.

“Oyster walking is a constitutional issue. You cannot have crustaceans dictating policy to mammals,” he said sternly.

“We held a referendum between the two of us which returned a clear unanimous majority in favour of continuing the walk on our own terms. We cannot, and indeed should not allow our principles to be overturned; ” he added.

Having expressed their contentment with the Carpenter’s assurances Dieve confirmed that he and his fellow rebel oysters had, as agreed,  brushed their coats, washed their faces and donned neat, clean shoes, but requested a degree of leeway over the speed of peregrination due to corpulence factors beyond their control.

“Some of us are out of breath, and all of us are fat,” he pointed out, thanking the Carpenter for her consideration in allowing them more time to “hop through the frothy waves” and “scramble to the shore” before setting off at a “gentle trot”.

Efforts by reporters to contact the oysters following their walk, to confirm compliance by the Walrus and Carpenter with the pre-agreed conditions, were  unfortunately unsuccessful.

Speaking to LCD views, the Walrus confirmed that all the oysters had indeed enjoyed a pleasant run but had unanimously declined to return to their bed.

“We did offer them to chance to trot off home again but none responded to our offer,” he said licking a stray blob of butter from his tusk.

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Woman to spend next few days working out if she can break promises to lawyer

A woman is to spend the next few days working out whether or not she can get away with breaking promises made to her lawyer.

”It’s a bit sticky, isn’t it?” the toilet roll holder in her office told us, “I’m spinning around and around in anticipation.”

In anticipation of spending a lot of time with one person in particular, hiding in here with you?

”Yes. I’m screwed to the wall in the 10 Downing Street WC. This means in times of crisis people tend to hide out inside with me, sometimes for hours or days at a time.”

But why would the woman even consider breaking promises to her lawyer?

”Because it’s either break them to him or break them to a bunch of swivel eyed idiots who have no genuine understanding of how international trade works, or the life and death nature of the Irish Border problem and who seem willing to watch the U.K. descend into anarchy for their feverish, ideological nightmare to become reality.”

Well, it’s either the lawyer or she breaks her promises, made in clammy palmed moments, to the swivel eyed idiots? Oh, and some creationists.

”That’s where you’re wrong. She needs to break her promises to everyone while seeming to break them to none.”

Ah. Fudgberg.

”It’s pretty much the entire governing policy of the United Kingdom now. That and ruining the lives of poor and vulnerable people.”

This doesn’t sound like a very sensible way to manage a country.

”You only say that because you don’t understand how vitally important it is that the woman stays prime minister. And furthermore how important it is that her party stays in power. That’s really all that matters to her and her party. Even if she’s just the fall guy.”

But surely the future of the country is more important? Not lying is important?

”If all that was so important there’s a man who would be fighting Brexit tooth and nail, who isn’t, who’s actually helping it.”

Now I’m confused. Dominic Grieve is fighting Brexit tooth and nail, he’s backing and backing May into the corner she’s painted for herself.

”Not that man. The other one. The one holding a party on the weekend to celebrate how great he is at a time of national crisis.”

Are we completely screwed?

”No. Reality is on our side. And time still. Remember, whatever parliament does it can undo.”

So long as it doesn’t drive us over a cliff.

”True. But just sit tight and keep at it. She’s going to have to break a promise to someone next few days and when she does the proverbial is going to hit the fan.”

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Receiver sells Poundworld for 99p

The receiver of the failed budget chain Poundworld has revealed that it will sell the core business as a going concern. For 99p.

Spokesman Penny Pincher for the receivers, Deplete Hiveoff and Sell, spoke to LCD Views.

“We will get the best possible deal for our shareholders,” said Pincher. “Given the current value of the pound, each item of stock will be sold for 63p.”

That doesn’t sound like a good deal to me…

“It’s like this. We are leaving the market,” Pincher declared. “This is the best possible deal. Many people appreciate a bargain. We are free, at last, from the tyranny of the High Street. Insolvency means insolvency!”

And the employees, what will happen to them?

“They knew what they were getting into when they applied for their jobs,” said Pincher. “No frills means no frills means zero-hours contracts and no redundancy pay. This is the benefit of dodging – I mean, circumventing – employment regulations. Less red tape means lower prices. And of course the business can scrape together enough cash to struggle on.”

What about the stores?

“Many will achieve closure. That’s good, right?” Pincher asked, rhetorically. “Empty units will cost too much in council tax, so they will be levelled and sold off as urban car parking. Everybody wins!”

Except the redundant employees. And the shareholders.

“Shareholders will get a generous dividend,” claimed Pincher. “Once our costs have been accounted for, naturally. Everyone will profit from the 99p we will raise from the sale of the business.”

Why 99p? Shouldn’t Poundworld sell for a pound?

“What, and be associated with all those other failures that sold for a pound?” she snorts. “Barings Bank, BHS, MFI and the Millennium Dome?”

Tell you what. We’ll bung you a fiver, buy the lot, and set up our own retail park in the Dome. Pop the penny in the charity tin. Cheers.

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Stop, drop and roll guide issued to MPs whose pants and consciences are burning

The office for parliamentary standards is coming under fire today for issuing a special ‘Stop, drop and roll’ guide to MPs who find their consciences burning during this week’s votes on the Lords amendments to the Henry VIII bill.

“It’s just another waste of taxpayer cash,” a campaigner against government waste told LCD Views, “most of the members of parliament are right now infernos in this regard. They don’t care. They’re going to be charred to the core and still not care.”

But others weren’t so dismissive.

“There are those in parliament that are signalling they just need a push to not ruin the United Kingdom. A handy guide for what action to take as they head to the division lobbies today and tomorrow maybe useful.”

The Palace of Westminster said it is prepared for the possibility of MPs rolling on the ground during voting.

“Mostly they roll like sheep down a hill with the whip. But some don’t. Although we had anticipated many rolling around trying to put out massive pants fires following speeches. That is par for course. Burning consciences will be a novelty to handle at least.”

But the critics weren’t to be dissuaded.

“Even if a lot of them read the guide and take the appropriate action it just leaves them free, burning conscience extinguished, to get up, walk on and begin smouldering again.”

Still, the issuers of the guide stand behind it.

“Not always you understand,” the spokesperson said, “we’ve published it on paper normally used as toilet paper, just in case a few hundred Tory MPs, and a good bunch of their colleagues on the Labour front bench, decide to wipe their backsides with it, seeing as they clearly don’t have consciences to burn in the first place.”

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Arron Banks admits he can’t recall details of “boozy Russian lunches”

Billionaire Brexit backer Arron Banks admitted to reporters Tuesday that his memories of his numerous boozy lunches with Russian embassy officials prior to the Brexit referendum were “a little hazy” but claimed that it was perfectly understandable given the volume of vodka consumed.

“Apparently it’s traditional in Russia to make down-in-one vodka toasts to every person present and at least three generations of their ancestors,” he hiccupped confirming that the toasts were in the form of popular vodka cocktails.

However he declined to confirm whether any of the cocktails he consumed might have been a “LEG SPREADER” (1 part vodka, 1 part tequila, 1 part gin, 1 part rum), a “TIGHT SNATCH” (1 part vodka, 1 part peach schnapps, 1 part orange juice, 1 part cranberry juice), a “GOLDEN SHOWER” (1 part vodka, one part orange juice, half a lemon a splash of triple sec and a ginger ale) or a “BEND OVER SHIRLEY” (raspberry vodka with a dash of grenadines topped up with sprite).

“You’ll need to ask the nice embassy barman, Mr Novichok, exactly what was in them. All I know is they did the absolute business and now we’re exiting the European union, like a brick down a well, or indeed like a vodka cocktail down the throat of a Russian embassy guest” he belched.

Russian embassy barman Colnel Boris Novichok, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Aaron had nothing to worry about as embassy officials had videoed all the lunch dates and would be happy to let him view them at any time he finds convenient.

“Aaron may have overdone it a little with the caviar and vodka cocktails but let me assure him that nothing untoward happened and that neither he nor Shirley needed to worry their tight little snatches over their legs, or indeed videos of them, being spread any further,” he winked, adding that the Embassy would be happy to host Aaron, for another round of Golden Showers, any time he chooses.

“That’s President Trump’s personal favourite, and one we always keep on hand in case he drops by,” he leered, fingering a pager.

“Aaron is a great friend of Russia, and I don’t mean just because he’s one of the few people who has ever lived who can make former soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev look handsome,” he laughed.

Novichok added that if Banks was embarrassed by recent publicity over his embassy lunches or didn’t have time to pop in for another round of cocktails the embassy would be more than happy to arrange a home delivery.

“We have just mixed a special batch of “ADIOS MOTHERFUCKER” ( equal parts vodka, rum, tequila, gin, blue curacao plus some special ingredients) which we’d be more than happy to pop round and smear over his door handle – errr I mean drop off for him to enjoy in his own time,” he cooed, smirking sinisterly.

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MPs to fabricate more truths to make up for UK manufacturing slump

Members and other slang terms for willies of the House of Commons have announced the intention to fabricate more truths in order to make up for the manufacturing slump in the United Kingdom.

Under the ambitious scheme, which is likely to be a cross party initiative, MPs will use a variety of imaginative tools in order to put the slowdown down to anything other than Brexit.

“It’s thinking outside of the box time,” Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP for not understanding how international trade works in the 21st Century, told us, “and putting your head deep inside your bottom time.”

Buckets of sand will also be available for less flexible members, although there is a health and safety concern relating to how long they will need to keep their heads in a place where breathing is difficult.

“It’s just the natural cycle of business,” JRM went on, “there’s always these little fluctuations up and down. It’s really nothing to worry about. Everything will sort itself out in a decade or three.”

And while it is obvious that the devaluation in sterling will certainly be capitalised on by the country’s manufacturers sooner, or later, or really later, sometime after Brexit and parity with the USD, no one is to worry about anything at all.

“The most recent slump is down to all that snow we had in May,” JRM added, by way of providing clarity, “which is highly unusual, especially as it fell only at night and outside the entrances to the manufacturing plants.”

Just to be sure everyone is aware too, it’s,

“Nothing to do with Brexit. Completely unrelated. Brexit is already making the country a richer place in so many ways. Especially me. Which is only fair, as I’m a man of the people. Now, would you mind subsidising refurbishment of my ancient mansion?”

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Greatest political leaders England has ever known continue to honour an opinion poll this week

Theresa May MP and Jeremy Corbyn MP, rightly regarded as the greatest political leaders England has ever known, are to push on with Brexit this week, because that’s what the people voted for in an opinion poll years ago.

“There is nothing remotely fascist about Brexit,” an aide to the prime minister told us, while preparing for the parliamentary handbags to come, “it doesn’t matter that most of the main pushers of Brexit look a bit, well, dubious? They’re just patriots. Really good at being patriots. Did you know if you keep saying something it becomes true?”

The pushing will be done in the House of Commons at the Place of Westminster.

“It’s going to be very interesting to see how May fares,” the aide observed, “because the main concern is the unity of the Conservative Party. That is the guiding principle for any duly elected representative of the people. It doesn’t matter how damaging that unity is to say, the fishing industry? Agriculture? Services? Well, it’s a long list. So long as a Tory bum is on the chair at Downing Street, the country is headed in a direction.”

As to the other side of the coin? Mr Corbyn? What’s he going to get up to.

“At a guess he will try and keep both leavers and remainers happy by doing just enough to be spun to both groups a message that he has their backs. Really, the most important thing for the leader of the official opposition is to do whatever it takes to serve ill perceived notions of what is in the best electoral interests of that party. It doesn’t really matter if the evidence of external interference in our democratic process is now so sky high you’d have to be bat shit crazy to continue to support the government with Brexit.”

What if you’re wrong? What if the leader of the official opposition takes the next couple of days to take huge chunks out of the insane executive leading this country to oblivion? Triggering a political crisis with the potential to bring down the government? Showing to everyone he sees the connection between mass far right rallies occurring in London and Brexit? And the incredible risk the country is in, while most people sleepwalk through it?

“Well that would be great. I for one could do with a break from being dug out of the back of your imagination and made to pretend I work for a woman whose only friend is a friggin’ pot plant. In fact, I’ll be the first to say well done, if about bloody time too.”