Posted on

Local woman sought in connection with attempted sale of British assets to overseas buyers

A local woman is being sought in connection with the alleged, attempted sale of British assets to overseas buyers.

”Anyone with a fat pocket book seems to be the target,” a source inside Scotland Paddock told us, “apparently the idea is to flog off well known landmarks to gullible new money from abroad.”

Shipping was apparently included in the offer, although re-assembly would have been required on the receiving end.

”Only pavement delivery was on offer,” our insider adds, “although quite what your neighbours are going to think when a van drops off Tower Bridge in crates and speeds away without a signature is anyone’s guess.”

Although the chancer hasn’t yet pulled off the con, it’s believed they will keep trying until apprehended.

”There’s rumours that the Elizabeth Tower, which houses Big Ben, has actually been flogged off already.”

That would explain why the scaffolding hasn’t come down yet from the famous bell tower?

”Yes. My team is currently scouring the latest updates to Google Earth to see if we can spot it. We’ve also asked the International Space Station to keep a look out. To pay especial attention to mini golf courses owned by Donald Trump’s complex web of businesses to see if any new and startling features rise up and go bong.”

Police are asking all members of the public to be vigilant until a suspect has been apprehended.

But why try and pull off such a daring sale of U.K. plc assets like this?

”Addiction most likely. They’re saying they’re raising money for a family member’s operation. But my suspicion would be an addiction to a junk so powerful, once it’s in your bloodstream only intervention by 65M people can cure it.”

What drug is it?

”Power. It tends to make some people crazy and they don’t care who gets hurt when they’re high.”

Posted on

Nigel the mystic lizard correctly predicts World Cup scores

Forget Paul the Octopus. The Nostradamus of the 2018 World Cup is Nigel the Lizard.

Before each match, Nigel is offered a choice of two unmarked, sealed brown envelopes. Inside is a bung in the currency of the winning team.

So far, Nigel has acquired a large amount of Russian roubles – no surprise there. But he also gained plenty of Euros after France controversially beat Australia, which will be an asset when Nigel sets up home on the continent after Brexit.

Nigel wore a hat while dithering over Portugal v Spain, in which Cristiano Ronaldo scored three times. Each drawn game has seen Nigel simply take both envelopes.

Intrigued by Nigel’s success, LCD Views secured a brief interview with the soothsaying reptile himself.

What is your methodology, we asked.

“It’s very simple,” Nigel replied from his vivarium in Middle England. “I pick up both packages, and choose whichever seems heavier.”

How do you view England’s chances?

“Easy,” he replied. “We will be out as soon as possible!”

Run the rule over your predecessor, Paul the Octopus.

“Paul had his fingers in a lot of pies,” explained Nigel. “Having eight arms, as an octopus does, makes it quite easy to do that. He started off predicting Germany’s matches, then graduated to the World Cup. He picked the eventual winners, Spain, correctly. Unfortunately he was far too biased towards European teams for my liking.”

And your prediction for this year’s winners?

“Russia. No doubt about it!” he claimed. “They have paid for the tournament, and already fixed most of the matches. My friend Arron Banks has been instrumental in funding campaigns that concentrate on emotional responses, not facts, so that even Russia’s opponents support them. It would be so right that Russia wins on their own turf. In fact, the matches are no more than a charade, and an opportunity for me to make a bit of cash on the side.”

Russia will win the World Cup. You heard it here first. Just as they won the American presidency and the EU referendum.

Posted on

Poor workman begins blaming his fools

“Infamy! Infamy!” A poor workman shouted today at any rag desperate enough for a sales boost to print his dissembling and lies, “they’ve all got it in for me!”

He was talking as his pet political project, Brexshit, showed distinct signs of being on the turn, like him allegedly seeing a bag of roubles, and on the nose, like any project of political Frankensteinism that the creators didn’t bother to sufficiently plan or power up.

It’s now starting to rot on the slab.

”If only the politicians that I abandoned my project to when it was half finished were making a better fist of it all would be perfect by now. We’d already be Singapore-on-Sea!”

Rot on the slab, stench of corruption wafting out the windows.

Presumably being perfect also means the hard right coup being so complete there’s no chance of meddling public inquiries and potential charges for things a little bit like treason?

“We can still have those!” he huffed, lurching upwards, “we are supposed to have those. Show trials for remainiac saboteurs! Cowed populace! Toilling the fields for the fatherland. Left or right wing Brexit it works either way.”

So it’s still possible for your project to succeed? Maybe you need different tools?

”That’s the Daily Mail’s plan. Painting up Jezza as being the hero of the hour. A right and proper fool. I mean, tool!”

As the corrupted juices of the monster stitched together from pieces of this Brexshit lie and that Russian bribe, pool on the tiles.

Posted on

Government rolls out Universal Discredit

The government has combined all its policies into one big, wobbly mess of a policy called Universal Discredit. This policy promises to deliver every single manifesto promise in one go. The people of the UK are still waiting to see the results, eight years later. DWP spokesman Dunn O’Whatimdoing hails it as “The greatest innovation in policy-making the world has ever seen”.

Universal Discredit was designed, at phenomenal cost, to replace all the committees, think-tanks, and (dare we say it) experts previously employed. Huge sums have been deployed on offices, directors, art and other necessities. O’Whatimdoing describes it as “Outstanding value for money”.

It is the brainchild of Iain Dunderhead Smith, a man whose ability to turn gold into base metal is rivalled only by Chris Grayling. A brainchild without a heart, or even a brain, is normally allowed to die peacefully, but this one has been pampered indulgently.

Critics have described Universal Discredit as “A highly inefficient way to transfer public money into the pockets of private individuals.” In Denial Smith counters: “It does exactly what it is designed to do.”

The pinnacle of Universal Discredit is Brexit, of course. Brexit is the archetypal one-solution-fits-all, and is now the government’s sole policy. Leaving the EU will obviously solve immigration, save the NHS, boost international trade to unprecedented levels and even make the sun shine more often. Even though nobody quite understands how Brexit will cause any of this to happen.

The beauty of Universal Discredit is that it means the government never has to take credit for it. Nor blame. Nor accept any word of caution or dissent. Critics of Universal Discredit are universally discredited.

The difficulty of changing over to Universal Discredit was, typically, underestimated, if indeed it was considered at all. Every attempt to shrink the state has failed, because the state has shrunk as much as naturally possible. Leading political astrophysicist Skye Watcher describes Brexit as “An attempt to make the state implode, creating a black hole where once there was democracy.”

The event horizon of the black hole will cover the entire UK. Nobody will survive. But at least no more foreigners will ever come here again. Wave your blue passports in joy and prepare for oblivion!

Posted on

Upskirting rebranded “Choping” in honour of Christopher Choping MP

LCD Views can report on rare social media consensus today with the decision to rebrand the offensive act of upskirting “Choping” in honour of Christopher Choping Tory MP.

”It’s the will of the people,” Professor Fcuken Oldman told LCD Views, “here we have a bill to criminalise an act of sexual harassment made possible by new technology, the law catching up with the times, and a Tory dinosaur and his chum set out to block it on the grounds of not enough scrutiny?”

These will be the same ERGing idiots who smashed through fifteen amendments to the biggest constitutional change to the country since WW2 earlier in the week?

”The very same. The men helping orchestrate a bonfire of our rights. The people tearing up the deal with the devolved administrations as fast as they can spit in the eye of anyone who objects.”

Something of a double standard.

”You could say that. But double standards are the go to position of many modern politicians. Curiously many of them Brexiters. Although there’s probably no connection. Just a coincidence.”

Yes! Let’s be clear! Not all ageing Tory party Male MPs are defenders of perverts!

”No! There is absolutely no justification for the cliche that old Tory men are perverse.”

Not at all. No evidence.

But why did he do it? The bill, albeit a private bill by a Liberal Democrat MP, Wera Hobhouse, had the backing of Theresa May.

”I can only speculate.”

Do it.

”Did you hear about the report slamming Universal Credit for the cruel piece of incompetent crap it is, which is all it could ever be given it was the brainchild of Iain Duncan Smith?”

No I didn’t.

”Draw your own conclusions. Boris can’t be used as the dead cat on the table every day. Sometimes you have to pick a backbench MP no one has heard of to do the job. Like when Anne-Marie Morris had the whip withdrawn for racist language. She later had it returned. Job done.”

Couldn’t it be Chope and his mate Phillip Davies just decided to be a pair of pricks? Because they could?

”It’s possible. They’re certainly that.”

So as a result we’re all agreed that upskirting is now Choping?

”It’s the will of the people.”

Posted on

Labour Live tickets now come with blue passports to attract young voters

The organisers of the highly anticipated ‘Labour Live’ (Jezzfest) event on the weekend have announced a plan to send traditional blue passports out with ticket to boost last minute sales.

”Jizzfest is the most anticipated event this year, mashing up politics with traditional Labour values of not actively trying to stop a bonfire of workers’ rights,” PR specialist for the event, Mr Movement of PR specialists ‘Abstention and Dithering’, told us.

The move to offer blue passports is not going unnoticed though.

”This Jazzfest Park Party is a blatant steal from our highly successful playbook,” Tory MP, Mr Dentures, commented, “we started this leave the single market and tear up everyone’s rights agenda, and pandering to a certain demographic’s neurotic terror of non-white chaps is blatantly a traditional Conservative value. Labour should get their own fears to pander to. Mass youth unemployment following Brexit is up for grabs.”

But Mr Movement wasn’t impressed.

”We share the values of Brexit with the Conservatives. And we’re the party of opposition. Opposing deeply damaging political agendas of the governing party is not the job of the official opposition.

Our job is to pretend to be doing things while the Tories destroy the country.

Then we become the phoenix, albeit a nationalised and centrally controlled phoenix.

I will say though we’ll be keeping the definition of employed. There won’t be many jobs post Tory Brexit, so just breathing will be classed as employed. At least until the central committee assigns you to a factory making state designed leaflets explaining how great life now is.”

The representative went on to explain that anyone not buying a ticket to Jizzfest will have their name recorded in a book under the crime ‘Undermining the leader’. Action will be taken in due course.

But do the Tories have any plan to copy Labour’s playbook and hold their own party in the park as the country crumbles?

”Yes. But it will be a small party held on a beach on an island tax haven. And it will be catered, mostly with the flesh and fat of the United Kingdom.”

Posted on

Widdershins pub chain announces plan to reintroduce “traditional British” slavery

National pub operator P.Q. Widdershins has announced that it will no longer employ staff using unpopular “zero hours” contracts and instead plans to return to the time honoured British tradition of indentured servitude.

“Zero hours contracts are a European innovation, which have no place in a post Brexit Britain ” explained company owner Tom Widdershins, pointing out that they had originated in the communist Soviet empire, and had only arrived in Britain as a result of the ridiculous decision by the European Union to allow the accession of uncivilised East European countries.

“The moment we free ourselves from the shackles of nefarious European interference we will be free to re-introduce slavery across the whole chain,” he said, denying this was a backwards move.

It’s the 300 years of the slave trade that made Britain the global economic powerhouse and champion of freedom and democracy that it is today, he explained.

“The great British port cities of Bristol, Liverpool and Glasgow, and indeed the foundations of the British Empire, were built from the profits of “traditional British slavery,” he crowed, draping an unfeasibly large Union Jack over his shoulders, saluting violently and glaring stone-faced into the middle distance.

“The sooner we face that truth and return to our great British traditions, the better it will be for all of us,” he added.

However critics have suggested that the move is just another cynical pro-Brexit flag waving stunt aimed at disguising a cynical scam to cut labour costs and boost profits.

“That’s a blatant lie put about by Jeremy Corbyn and his Marxist Momentum apparatchiks,” snarled Widdershins angrily, apparently unaware that Corbyn is actually a strong supporter of Brexit.

Pointing out that the return to slavery would provide a massive boost for British industry Widdershins pledged to institute a “buy British” policy across his countrywide  chain.

“We have ordered all the necessary whips, shackles, manacles, padlocks, chains, thumbscrews and neck braces from British factories, he said, confirming that, yes, as far as he knew, no other countries currently allow their production or sale.

Responding to criticism of the plan to reintroduce slavery, Chansy Tana, a spokesperson for Widdershins PR representatives; Sock-puppet & Troll, claimed that the change could actually prove popular with the chain’s thousands of serving staff.

“Uninformed people, leftist agitators and terrorists criticise zero hours contracts but when we offered lower paid alternatives a few years back most of our staff preferred to keep them,” she said suggesting that the new slavery contracts would prove even more popular.

“Not that they have a choice. Maybe they’ll even beg us to whip them harder,” she sniggered.

The move to reintroduce “traditional British slavery” comes only days after Widdershins announced that it was planning to phase out dirty European drinks like French champagne and German wheat beer in favour of “traditional British” alternatives like Australian wine and Guinness, all served in traditional British glasses, imported from France – the source of most catering glassware used in the UK.

Commenting on criticism of the move, Tana denied that it would significantly impact customer choice.

“The lowlifes that frequent our establishments generally order champagne at the end of an evening’s boozing, by which time  they are quite frankly so far off their tits that you could piss in a bottle and add a dash of bicarb and they’d think it was Krug,” she yawned.

Posted on

BBC to dig up Oswald Mosley and stick him in a chair for BBCQT

Fantastic news for viewers of traditional democracy live on Auntie today with the announcement that the BBC is to dig up Oswald Mosley and stick him in a chair for BBCQT tonight.

”It’s part of our commitment to balance,” executive producer, Mr Ethics Outsourced, BBC upper management, told LCD Views, “some of the insane Brexiters will stick on the panel week in and week out are a bit soft for the gammon in the audience. We’ve taken steps to address their concerns.”

Lord Haw-Haw, Lord Profumo and Nigel Farage are also pegged to be on the panel tonight with an ancient man adjudicating the discussion to ensure nothing factual gets in the way.

”Facts ruin a good narrative,” the producer enlarged, “they tend to damage ratings in a way that is entirely unacceptable for a fully, forcibly publicly funded organisation such as the Beeb. So we choose the majority of our panelist’s accordingly and then stick in some remainiac for everyone, including the chair, to shout over.”

As to Mr Mosley’s feelings about the excremation amd appearance on television? He appears remarkably relaxed.

”I’ll do it for the fatherland,” he commented, “I’ve had a good enough rest anyway. Seventy odd years is more than enough for Europe to largely be at peace and doing its best to work together. Just think of the commercial prospects for tailors? Fascists are very fashion conscience.”

UK arms dealers are also greatly encouraged. Lately they’ve been coming in for a bit of stick over the whole Saudi and Yemen thing. Being able to sell the bombs straight to the government and not face the hassle of exporting? That will see balance sheets firmly in the black.

Tune in tonight and just be sure to have a sick bag handy as the BBC hammers the unchallengeable, totally democratic line at you that the people have decided. Mostly to go back to the 1930’s.

Posted on

Dublin auto manufacturing booms as English workers establish subsidiary jobs in Ireland

Dublin’s automotive manufacturing sector was reporting the beginning of a boom today as English workers began establishing subsidiary jobs in Ireland.

”There’s been a trickle of English car sector workers setting up subsidiary jobs since the overwhelming majority of voters in the United Kingdom delivered an unassailable advisory mandate to destroy all life in the United Kingdom,” our Dublin correspondent said,

“and as the Brexit negotiations are nearing a triumphant conclusion, English people are taking advantage of the new, exciting possibilities opened up for them by hard right, and hard left, politicians in England. Added of course by hundreds of moderates who are only too willing to support the decision to erase the economy.”

It seems pressure is now piling on workers at Jaguar Landrover, Rolls Royce, Nissan and others who haven’t acted yet to get that second job established, before Dublin runs out of space.

”It’s quite amazing when you consider before the referendum how many doom merchants said Brexit would cut a devastating swathe through entire sectors of British manufacturing. But here we are, much like hedge fund managers, auto workers are finding they’re ending up with more jobs thanks to Brexit, not less. It’s also a boom to the aviation sector as the car workers of England will need to fly in and out of Dublin to manage their second jobs.”

We sought comment for this exciting change from an English politician who hitherto has had a reputation for being a bit of a remoaner.

“It just shows the sensible, pragmatic approach of the British people,” Jacob Rees-mogg told us, “faced with the opportunity to hedge against only having so many hours in the day to work their existing English jobs, they’re setting up subsidiary jobs in Dublin. It all makes perfect sense.”

And what about your investment business? Are you following the lead of the car sector workers, who in their thousands are now experiencing the thrill of Brexit’s many, exciting possibilities?

“Oh no, I’m far too patriotic for that,” he said, “call me old fashioned, but I like to keep the majority of my fund’s money in sanctioned Russian banks.”

Posted on

David Davis leads U.K. Brexit negotiating team in protest walk out of talks into a cupboard

David Davis MP, leader of the United Kingdom’s Brexit negotiating team, stood up today in protest and led the UK team in a walk out protest out of negotiations and straight into a cupboard.

“He thought it was the door to the corridor that led to the in-house bar,” Mrs Oh-No, member of the team told us, “and he was planning to buy everyone in our team some tequila shots to celebrate stuffing Barnier. You should have seen the look on the unelected, eurocrats faces when Davis seized his chance during some endlessly, mind numbing chat about contingency planning relating to the UK’s food supplies and Dover should a hard Brexit occur!”

It seems tensions have been building for some weeks, during the largely amiable negotiations, because Mr Barnier and his team insist on talking about facts, rules, legal mumbo jumbo in a way that is just boring Mr Davis to tears.

“Mr Davis has become increasingly frustrated at Mr Barnier’s refusal to horse trade in the time honoured way. How is anything supposed to get done with such inflexibility on the European side? Rules are made to be broken. It’s a good thing we’re leaving. We can have no rules once we’re out.”

It’s believed the actual preparation on the European side is also a cause of contention.

“We turn up with empty hands,” Mrs Oh-No revealed, “it’s so we can keep them open in a posture of friendship. Or, of course, shake our fists to emphasis our displeasure at the EU’s wilful destruction of our industrial base by its pursuit of this bullying, hard Brexit policy.”

But how do the EU turn up?

“Oh my God. With these telephone book size documents. They are just a bunch of swats. Really nerdy. They’ll never get on out in the real world.”

At the time of publishing Mr Davis was apparently still inside the cupboard and was now insisting it contained a magical portal that once triggered would open the way to the UK getting everything it wanted from negotiations and being free to trade with the world once more.