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Matt Hancock hired to ghostwrite PM’s book on Shakespeare – claims Matt Hancock

SHALL I COMPARE THEE : Former Secretary of State for PPE Contracts to Mates, Matt Hancock, has not had a dull moment since ditching his family for “the other woman”, who conveniently for Matt ditched her family too for “the other man”. What with almost becoming a UN envoy and almost getting a book deal it’s been non-stop Action Man Matt. And that’s not even considering shopping for a new sofa.

Now he’s to really put the pedal to the medal though if he is to be believed. Manufactured rumours circulating on social media claim that Matt Hancock is indeed getting a six figure book deal, but it’s not to write about how he conquered the pandemic.

“That’s because the deal isn’t for a fictional book,” a source inside Matt’s mind tells LCD Views. “Although whatever he produces will have a heavy dose of make believe to it. But that’s just Matt. You may remember Matt from not supporting the illegal prorogation of parliament in 2019 in the service of Brexit? Because that would go against everything those men died on the beaches for. And then he did! Because it got him a place in the Cabinet.”

The actual book Matt is to write is a closely guarded secret.

“That’s why he can only leak rumours about his latest and greatest climb up the career ladder,” the source nods, and winks. “He’s been hired by Boris Johnson to ghost write his book on Shakespeare. It’s not going to get finished any other way. And it’s a stroke of genius from the PM. When it’s roundly decried by critics who bothered to study the subject, Johnson can just blame Matt.”

If you’ve got a job you need to deny hiring someone to do, just phone Matt. He’s available 24/7, seven days a week for any job you don’t want him to do. Let’s call it, a little touch of Mattgick.

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DOWNING STREET to change standards on polls to ensure the correct result is always achieved

IF YOU DON’T LIKE THESE POLLS I HAVE OTHERS : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to be in an upbeat and fighting mood today as Labour continue to batter ten types of crap out of the Tories in the political polls, and they aren’t even trying to, merely continuing the world beating strategy since 2010 of not opposing the biggest, maddest idea the Tories have. It’s worked so well so far, why change now? The Cons will destroy themselves if you wait long enough. Okay, they didn’t destroy themselves over austerity, they’re not even destroying themselves over Brexit, the appalling pandemic mismanagement hasn’t hurt them overly much either, which is the great plus of a constructive opposition. But the sleaze is doing it. The grubbiness and greed. Whacko! The tabloids have decided it is time to re-invent the country’s government!

There is of course only one flaw in all this and that is the power of Mr Johnson to ignore reality and tell you what reality is. And here is where the genius shines.

“We’re simply going to dismantle the old way of polling the public and set up a committee to ensure the correct results are always achieved,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We need to see the Tories consistently polling between 40-50% in the polls again.”

The model for the makeover is to hand too.

“We’ll take the plans we have for oversight of MPs and use it for polling,” the source explains. “Every pollster will have to submit his findings to 10 Downing Street before publishing them. This way Mr Johnson can correct their findings. This is just natural justice. A right of appeal by the executive against the will of the people. It will provide the strong and stable leadership the United Kingdom needs.”

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Control your borders, because we can’t control ours, say people who took back control of our borders

OPEN ALL HOURS: The country that famously took back control of its borders is now complaining at France. This is because it wants France to control their border, to stop people noticing that it didn’t really take back control. 

Or rather, it did, but couldn’t be bothered to actually put in the necessary work. Equally famously, the country employed a Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, to sort out all the problems with smelly migrants. Alas, he is so Clandestine that he has disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

This leaves rentagobshite Nigel Farage, who unfortunately hasn’t disappeared in a puff of smoke, to shout impotently into the void instead. In Brexit Britain, this apparently passes as policy these days. 

This leads to column inches in the more intolerant press. They continue to churn our sensational headlines to enrage people who neither live near the coast, nor have ever encountered any problems with incomers. 

“Les Anglais ‘ave a certain je ne sais quoi,” remarked French border controller Paul de Otherone. “They ‘ave plenty of chutzpah, but no schadenfreude. Something ‘as got lost in the translation, je pense.” 

It’s a bit rich asking the French to control our border for us, isn’t it, asked LCD Views in perfect Franglais. 

“If Les Anglais cannot stop boats crossing La Manche, it is not our fault,” said de Otherone, with a Gallic shrug. “C’est la vie, n’est pas? But we Francais, we ‘old all the cards. And once the boats leave the EU, there is no need to ‘ave them back. I ‘ate to ‘ave to say it, but Les Francais, we fart in your general direction.” 

This leaves the UK blowing in the wind, its policy in tatters, its border as secure as a pair of Farage’s discarded Union Jack underpants. 

No policy is better than a bad policy. This is where we are now. Border means border. 

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PM renames UK to put “distance” between corrupt reputation and “present day”

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : BRITAIN’S 10,003rd greatest living classical scholar is also its Prime Minister and Britain couldn’t be more lucky if it tried.

“Recently there’s been some bad press about UK plc,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the dream factory in 10 Downing Street have come up with a way to clear the slate and get back our solid gold rep.”

The plan appears to be to rebrand the country much like an insurance, banking or accountancy firm post the 2007-8 financial crisis.

“We’re going to be holding a referendum on what to call the brand new country that will be taking the world by storm,” the source informs. “Mr Johnson is said to favour Really Western Siberia in honour of the Tory Party’s biggest donors. Although the country’s newest royal, Mrs Johnson, is rumoured to be pushing hard for Johnson Land to also be on the ballot.”

But while there is rumoured to be “broad support” within the rank and file of the Con party for the makeover not everyone is happy.

“We were told he’d already renamed the country and now we find we’ll have to campaign in a referendum on the name? Still, I guess it will sweep the tsunami of bad press focused on just how brainsplittingly corrupt so many Tory MPs are off the front pages. It could be worth a shot.”

To increase public buy in there will also be an empty space on the ballot paper where voters can write in their own suggestion.

“Country McCountryface is certain to get a look in,” the Downing Street source adds. “That’s my personal favourite.”

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BREAKING : DOWNING STREET to hold BOGOF sale of Tory MPs this weekend!

PRE-LOVED CONDITION : 10 DOWNING STREET is to combat the wave of sleaze which threatens to overwhelm the Johnson administration by “letting everyone have a piece of the action”.

The plan appears to be to hold a sale of Tory MPs modelled along the line of major supermarkets and “Buy One and Get One Free” offers. The price of MPs will be set at standard market rates, but a real bargain given you’ll get a second Tory MP for free.

“Or both for half price,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s all a question of how you look at it. Why not pick up a Jenrick and a Hancock when you’re doing your grocery shopping this weekend? Okay, the used by date on both is a bit ripe, but they still have the same old contact book and access to the heart of government. Shapps is an exception though, because he is several people at once, allegedly. That’s a real hidden gem. Get in early to avoid disappointment!”

What customers do with the MPs once they own them is up to them.

“It just depends on your area of special interest,” the source advises. “If you are enjoying the opportunities that have been provided by the opening up of the public sector to privatisation than owning two MPs can really help boost your profits. Don’t want to spend money on expensive, imported chemicals and couldn’t care less what happens to the UK’s waterways because you live in a mansion on the Med? Get in!”

But critics of the move have said the sales will be on “false premises” because the recent scandal involving Owen Paterson proves that “Tory MPs are already in full ownership by special interests”.

To keep demand high though people purchasing MPs won’t have to list the acquisition with any official registry as “that boring accountability stuff is all pre-Brexit”. If you find yourself owning a pair though you will be encouraged to treat them like a small and pampered dog so they “don’t get restless and shit on the sofa or chew up your favourite slippers like Paterson did.”

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Government to make post of Prime Minister hereditary

STRONG AND STABLE SUCCESSION : DOWNING STREET has moved to quell concerns over the future of the Prime Minister today with a new law making the post hereditary.

The decision to keep the job of PM “in the family” by Mr Johnson is believed to have been prompted by speculation over his future as Prime Minister. Tory MPs are said to be restless after the stunning discovery that rampant, corrupt shithousery by Tory MPs is not exactly a vote winner.

“We thought we’d left the 1990’s far behind us,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “No one associates hardworking Tory MPs with sleaze anymore. Most of them work several jobs to show what good value they are to the corporate taxpayer. It’s a total shock. But this new law means that the polls can do what they like. As soon as they boot Johnson out another Johnson will be swinging in their faces.”

But critics of the move are said to be concerned it will not provide the promised stability but lead to “political bloodletting and squabbling over the crown not seen since 10th century Scotland.”

Mr Johnson is said to be unrepentant and anticipating being placed in the Lords by whichever of his children succeed him as PM.

“There will still be elections,” the source adds. “No one should worry about a further erosion of democratic standards in the UK. To guarantee the validity of future elections to the Commons, for non-hereditary MPs, we’re planning to make it legal to pay people to vote Tory. You’ll see our popularity remains sky high. It’s really just furthering the scheme which currently sees regeneration cash going predominately to Tory held areas.”

The post of PM’s dog was also expected to become hereditary until someone remembered they chopped Dylin’s nuts off because Mr Johnson was upset by the competition whenever it was time to shag a visitor’s legs.

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MPs to take a recess so they can catch up with their second jobs

IF A JOB’S WORTH DOING: Hard working MPs are to have yet another recess. With all the crises and scandals taking up their time, many MPs have fallen behind with their jobs on the side. 

In Boris Johnson’s case, he will be spending the week sourcing a fridge large enough for the entire cabinet to hide in. 

A case in point is Phil Thirich, MP for Croesus Central. He posted updates on his live blog feed. 

“Another recess! Thank goodness the idiot Boris has finally decided to take the heat out of things,” he wrote. “My partners at Croesus Cash Cow Consultancy were anxious that I should fulfil my usual commitments. After all, at over £1,000 an hour, it’s a much better use of my time than sitting in Parliament listening to that dreadful snowflake Bryant. Not to mention having to memorise a new set of lies – I mean, lines – every few hours. It’s so tiring, when instead one can make a few calls, lunch, booze & shmooze, golf, dinner, and wrap up another few mill of business over brandy and cigars. That’s what puts caviar on the table, being an MP is just like a hobby, it helps me keep in touch with the right people, and the pocket money comes in handy of course.”

Thirich is right, of course. Obscene amounts of money don’t just earn themselves. Unless you are supposed to be procuring PPE or employed on a pay-per-policy basis. 

We ordinary mortals must remember that our MPs have their own priorities. They cannot be expected to spend all their time voting to pump shit into the rivers on our behalf. 

After all, given that so many of their constituents are obliged to work two or more jobs in order to make ends meet, it is only right that our representatives set a good example. 

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BREAKING : PM didn’t wear mask to hospital as he thought “it was a strip club”

NAUGHTY BUT NICE : DOWNING STREET has broken its silence over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s failure to wear a mask during a recent hospital visit.

The visit occurred last Monday at the same time as Parliament was holding a debate on corruption, following the complete miscarriage of justice that disgraced, former corporate lobbyist Owen Paterson was a victim of.

“Mr Johnson was merely attempting to encourage a local business in the North,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s part of his levelling up agenda. He’s not just going to sit at home in London listening to Carrie drone on about how unsuitable the latest nanny is when there’s a country to save!”

It was further explained that it was not the PM’s fault that he missed the parliamentary debate on corruption as “he’s already an expert in the subject and could not have learned anything by attending”.

But when pressed as to the PM’s failure to mask up in the hospital, the source was unrepentant.

“We’ve got just the greatest pandemic numbers. Not many people know this, but the UK is leading the world with the virus. We did not get to this pole position by having a Prime Minister too weak to face the virus head first and take it on the chin.”

There was also though a secondary reason for Mr Johnson presenting himself in the most infectious manner possible to overworked and exhausted, fully masked hospital staff.

“To be perfectly frank he thought he was visiting a strip club. He was bloody disappointed to find it was not a medical themed one but an actual hospital. He had his expectations exceptionally high for a fun afternoon. Even the only alcohol present was in hand sanitiser and you just try drinking that without a piece of cucumber.”

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Many Tory MPs officially unemployed as they don’t work enough hours

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : STUNNING STATISTICS TODAY FROM THE DEPARTMENT FOR WORK AND PENSIONS, FOLLOWING A FREEDOM REQUEST BY AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE.

The Source is said to have become concerned that Tory MPs were working too hard and many at risk of exhaustion. The concern resulted from the clearly baffled and disorientated interviews given by Tory meat shields of late.

“I figured it’s exhaustion,” the Source told LCD Views. “There’s a lot of problems facing the UK due solely to global supply chain issues and I figured the poor buggers never get a moments rest.”

But the Source discovered the opposite when they received the requested information.

“Most of them are officially listed as unemployed due to not working enough hours each week to qualify as being in employment,” the source explains. “Due to a quirk in our parliamentary system they still get paid. This leads to a lot of confusion. Most members of the public blithely assume their animated blue rosettes are working for their constituencies. This is most definitely not the case. MPs are too busy seeking additional means of income to focus on what is in theory their job.”

The misunderstanding has been made worse by Tory MPs reportedly having numerous jobs at the same time.

“None of them work an hour a week in any of the jobs,” the source says. “In spite of being paid tens of thousands of pounds per year. There’s a real fear that if a way is found to automate handing over a book of government contacts then the MPs will be entirely redundant. The system needs reform. They should be able to add all the hours they spend as lobbyists together and then they’ll be spared the shame of being listed as unemployed.”

In the interim the MPs are advised to apply for Universal Credit.

“You may as well get what you can,” the source shrugs. “How they’re expected to make ends meet on just £82K a year, with benefits, expenses and pension, is beyond me. Have you seen the rate of inflation lately!”

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EXCLUSIVE: Tory MP WITHOUT second job exposed

NAME AND SHAME: Extensive scrutiny of the list of members’ interests has thrown up an anomaly. There appears to be a Conservative MP who does not have a second job. 

LCD Views checked out not just the Official Register, but the lesser known Complete Register which goes into a lot more detail. This is kept jealously by Tory Central HQ, and its purpose is to make sure the gravy train stays on the rails. Occasionally though it gets leaked, genuinely accidentally for once, by careless MPs who share it on their WhatsApp groups and unsecure email accounts.

One name that appears on neither list is Finn Gersin-Manypies, Tory MP for the Rotten Borough of Morecash-in-the-Bank. Gersin-Manypies has a poor attendance record, although he has consistently voted for measures designed to enrich himself and to divert responsibility elsewhere.

This is the typical profile of an MP who treats government as a hobby, while raking it in big time from more lucrative employment. One thinks of Boris Johnson, never too busy running the country to pose for another photo-op, or bang out another fifteen hundred words of purest guff for The Daily Telegraph. Or Geoffrey Cox, pocketing hundreds of thousands of pounds for speaking impressively in Court and only attending Parliament on his days off (allegedly).

You think of the disgraced Owen Paterson, with his “second” jobs being as his employer’s inside agent. And there are many more such humdrum examples.

But what does Gersin-Manypies actually get up to when not MP-ing? Nobody really knows, and no Tory MP admits to knowing him. Nor does Morecash-in-the-Bank appear on any map. But his voting record is identical to over 100 other, equally anonymous MPs.

Nobody seems to know who is wielding this incredibly block vote, which enables the Tories to ram through any piece of legislation they like. Nobody seems to know where the salaries go to, either.

“I consider the matter closed,” said the PM in response to our questions. “Now is not the time, nor will it ever be.”