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Macron BANNED from Festival of BREXIT as Britain hits back over fish!

TAKE BACK CONTROL : Reports are coming out of 10 Downing Street this morning of SHOCK and DISMAY in the Elysee Palace after the UK GOVERNMENT HIT BACK over fish.

The control of the polluted British fish stocks in the Channel has become so important that the UK is prepared to sacrifice anything in order to prove it is IN CONTROL. It was felt a high level diplomatic SLAP was the only way to show MACRON and the WORLD that post-Brexit UK was “having its hake and eating it”.

The French government is yet to respond to the MAJOR BLOW to the entertainment plans of its President next year, who was expected to join ALL WORLD LEADERS in visiting the Festival of Brexit and wondering open mouthed at British culture and infection rates.

“The Festival of Brexit is the real dawn of the 21st Century,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Not to receive a complimentary ticket will be a burn on the prestige of France no amount of ice can soothe. Even if it was red, white and blue ice.”

The banning of the French president and his delegation from the Brexit festival, even before he had confirmed he wanted to come, shows the world what Boris Johnson’s UK is about.

“Allies need to take note,” the source continues. “We clearly need them or we’ll starve in darkness, but on the surface we must have daily aggression in the headlines or the looting of the UK state will become visible to all.”

Further measures are planned if the French don’t back down and do as their told.

“We will be issuing even more fishing licences to French vessels and not publicising it,” the source advises. “We’ll also ban anything French from our rich, post-Brexit cultural landscape. That will show them we mean business!”

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BUILD BACK BETTER : Government announces £500 off ivory backscratchers

BUILD BACK BACKSCRATCHERS : Some junior minister no one has heard of is celebrating across social media today after successfully lobbying for a reduction in the price of ivory backscratchers.

It’s believed the cause gained the attention of Prime Minister Boris Johnson who saw it as the perfect “troll of world leaders ahead of the Glasgow Climate Change conference”. It has the added advantage of “winding up [the current] Mrs Johnson” whose pretence to environmentalism is taking flak, given her choice of partner.

Trolling the domestic population has long been a source of deep pleasure for Mr Johnson and his supporters, and now thanks to Brexit, they’ve gone international. You can expect a tour de force of shabby dressing, shambolic walking and Benny Hill themed leering from our highest elected official in the coming days. That’ll show up the girly swots of international power!

“The slashing of sales tax on ivory backscratchers will have the woke foaming at the mouth,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It should keep all the endless corruption stories off the front pages. But even if it doesn’t who cares? This shows the hoi polloi who’s in power and who has to take it on the chin.”

The choice of ivory is thought to be exceptionally clever too, being a trigger for the bunny huggers.

“We’re going to set up an endangered animal bank which Tory MPs can donate to,” the source adds. “But access will be means tested. Not just anyone will be able to rock up and take home some rhino horn or an elephant foot stool. Maybe a stuffed wolf? There is sure to be something there for everyone. Each community bank will be easily recognised by the green archway over its entrance.”

You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours – the very essence of Tory governance. But let’s try and do it in style.

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Downing Street to make political donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible

PAY TO PLAY : The wealthiest Tory MPs are in for a massive tax return today after completely fabricated reports said that 10 Downing Street is to make donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible.

Ever reliable, anonymous “sources” from inside the Executive began briefing pliant press mouthpieces that “tax efficient” changes were coming in order to “help complete the transformation from a liberal, representative democracy” into a total Kakistocracy.

The need for MPs to enrich themselves however possible while in office is seen as a key plank of post Brexit governance because “you never know when we’ll need to cut and run after trashing and asset stripping old Blighty”.

The tax deductible nature of the donations is also rumoured to include a special “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” clause which means both the giver and the receiver can claim it.

“This is a completely democratic change which will see investment and sponsorship pour into Westminster in numbers that dwarf even the deluge from sanctioned oligarchs to Tories post 2010,” the leak asserts. “It’s all part of building back better bank balances while keeping the plebs distracted with frequent threats of war with France over a fish.”

To make the new changes truly inclusive the rebate will be valid regardless of the currency used to make a donation.

“We’ll also be allowing the cash value of gifts such as holidays and dinners to be claimed against an MPs salary,” the leak also reveals. “This means that the Exchequer will be writing cheques for hardworking MPs that more than compensate for the sterling work they’ve done transforming the U.K. food supply chains and water quality.”

The public is expected to play their part by shrugging and going to Spoons for a pint that is now 3p cheaper.

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Boris Johnson to build back better by subsidising concrete growers

INVESTING IN THE GRASS ROOTS: Building Back Better is going to need a lot of concrete. Luckily we now know that it grows on trees, so plenty of money will be spaffed on sympathetic concrete farmers. 

Crime Minister Boris Johnson hopes this will boost his green credentials. “Sand, Cement, Stone!” is his latest pathetic three word slogan. 

“Britain will become self sufficient in concrete!” Johnson announced proudly at the COP26 summit. “Much of the UK will be given over to growing the raw materials of the future! It is the ultimate renewable substance! In your face, Greta Thunberg! Wiff waff!” 

This shock announcement left his audience gasping. Johnson’s supporters, including chief propagandist Cora Lunesberg, reached a state of spontaneous rapture. The rest of the unenlightened, probably foreign and stuck in boring reality, couldn’t believe their ears. 

“This plant, which has only recently been discovered, only exists because we left the EU!” Johnson wibbled. “Yes! No! Yes! Well well well well yes! It’s called… erm erm erm… wiff waff… oh sod it, I’ll make something up… Michaelis Grahamii! It thrives on hot air and bullshit!” 

Gleeful reporters for all the major UK newspapers, in other words the ones who are paid by the same people who bought Boris, churned out thousands of triumphant headlines. 

“But we must all take responsibility – I think that’s what it’s called – for climate change,” Johnson continued, acting sombre. “If nothing is done, there will be shortages of food and water, just like in the UK! So follow my lead and do nothing! Let the bodies pile high in their thousands, and then be fed to wild animals! Wiff waff!” 

The British continent melted out of pure joy. Everyone else left the room, and made sure to lock the door behind them. 

At last. Brexit Britain finally has a concrete proposal. 

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Downing Street blames the last Victorian government for U.K. water pollution crisis

A BIGGER BOY DUNNIT : 10 Downing Street isn’t letting the blame for the great stink of 2021 lap at its door. It’s in full flush mode.

While some unpatriotic naysayers always looking to talk the country down are suggesting that the political party that has been in power for the last 11 years, and 80 of the last 100, is responsible for the failing infrastructure of Broken Britain, the PM knows who is really to blame.

“The Victorians failed to plan for climate change, they failed to protect British farming against foreign imports and they failed to future proof the UK’s sewerage,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman explained.

And while it’s true that the water utilities were privatised under a Tory government in the 90’s, it’s not their fault as the Victorians did nothing to prevent obvious profiteering in the 20th and 21st centuries.

“To expect the great government of disaster capitalists to make civil minded business owners stop transferring profits and start investing in a crucial sector is to misunderstand modern vulture capitalism,” the source adds. “It’s exceptionally naive and you’re being very annoying by naming and shaming the bobbing turds of Johnson’s party on social media.”

The concerned public are not without hope though as the government is looking to solve the issue of mass pollution of U.K. waters in the same way as the cladding crisis.

“User pays is the best model,” the source shrugs, “you want clean water you better stump up for it. What choice do you have? And besides, the bloody EU made us clean up our beaches in the last century. So covering them in our own shit again has the strong whiff of sovereignty. It’s exactly what Brexit promised. Be proud of it.”

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Downing Street says it’s “too soon for international comparisons over water quality”

Downing Street is to act on unreliable reports about the rapid decline in British water quality post Brexit.

Operation Cash Discharge will see the famous Dido Harding reassemble the crack team responsible for charging thousands of pounds a day each for sod all results during the pandemic.

“Clearly the budget will fit the jobs in hands,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Billions. Billions and more billions will be flushed straight out of the Exchequer and into bank accounts of private firms rebranding right now to paper over the waste water cracks. It’s a once in a generation opportunity to make hay while the bums shine. After which we will boast about the money spent on cleaning up our water and deflect from any discussion over the actual current state as the turds bob about our islands.”

The tracking of effluent will also build on the sense of community forged in the pandemic as each and every poo will be traced back to the source, and individual Britons encouraged to take ownership of their own discharges. Personal accountability is here to stay.

“By encouraging Brits to head to the river banks and beaches of this great nation we will show the world that the exaggerated claims over pollution are not being bought by voters at home. Just look at the crowds!”

But critics of the new scheme say it’s just another way for the Tory government to enrich its friends off the back of a disaster it created.

“Such petty claims are easily batted away when you see the rate of pay,” the source asserts. “Each poo traced by Harding’s team will be paid at a rate of £1. It’s bob a job.”

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Sunak to spend 10% of UK budget on photos of Sunak

BUDGET SMUDGET : Cheers rang out in the House of Commons yesterday as the UK’s (most) glamorous Chancellor (ever) took centre stage and dazzled.

Wearing a fetching, tight fitting tax efficient suit, shoes of reality denying leather, hair styled so hard it was momentarily titanium and a friendship bracelet he is said to have knitted for himself, the Chancellor smiled warmly and let the applause soak in until he was dripping.

Speculation had been rife that Mr Sunak would splurge cash on unimportant things but worries were soothed when he set out details to “undo just enough of the catastrophic balls-up we’ve made of governing the country since 2010, to give the tabloids wildly exaggerated front pages. While at the same time ensuring the lifestyles of millionaires are protected against the inflation we’re causing”.

Whether or not any of the money earmarked for window dressing poverty will make it to the windows is uncertain. And no one on the government cares anyway.

“My budget is based on a fever dream featuring a U.K. economy that hasn’t been hit with an incompetent and lethal pandemic response, plus one not suffering the furious assaults of Brexit. So you can bet on me and bet on everything I’m promising for me coming to fruition for me.”

But the real excitement was found when Mr Sunak reached the “ring fenced” section of his fantasy fiscal novella.

“I am setting aside 10% of U.K. tax intake to fund my personal photographer,” Mr Sunak promised to orgiastic applause. “But not just mine. Liz Truss’s too. The voters can be reassured that as the country burns there will be beautifully staged photos of whoever is Prime Minister next all over their social media feed. I am just a friendly little puppy dog and everyone wants to pat me.”

To ensure the photography is a success Mr Sunak further announced the setting up of “Operation : Dorian Gray”.

“I will look beautiful. You will be reassured by how beautiful I look. And those food riots in the coming winter will be more beautiful because of it.”

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Chancellor to introduce “pay per poo” scheme in budget to fund sewer update

NO SHIT SHERLOCK: The sewage crisis is to be tackled in the forthcoming budget. With no obvious way of diverting available funds into private pockets, the only available option is a “turd tax”. 

Chancellor Rishi Sunak will announce this latest measure to monetise basic human functions. It’s a simple way to allow well connected “effluent extraction experts”, or piss-takers, to get rich quick. 

The polluter pays. This is going to the source of the problem, the individual waste producer, claims the Treasury. Basically the more you poo, the more you pay. 

“It’s only like having a metered water supply,” claimed Treasury drone Penny Spender. “Anyone wishing to open their bowels must be prepared to pay for their discharge to be dealt with.” 

Spender revealed that this would work on the same principle as the Oyster card. Every time you pay a visit to the smallest room in future, you will have to tap in and tap out. 

“We call this Wipe & Swipe,” said Spender. “The longer you sit, the more you pay. It’s only fair. This will also cut down on people paying repeated trips to the lavatory during working hours. Employers will no longer be obliged to subsidise their employees’ bowel habits.” 

What do you say to people already struggling to survive on minimum wage, with UC cuts and NI rises? 

“Everyone must be treated the same,” said Spender. “In fact, poor people should pay more, because their waste is of lower quality than other people’s. There will be plenty of incentives for people to go when the system is less busy. Nappy Hour will be 1am until 2am, for example. People can earn Potty Points towards Free Flush Fridays. You will be able to buy an inch of sewer, and visit it whenever you like!”

And will the revenue be spent on improving water treatment? Or is it just another steaming pile of bullshit? 

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Downing Street orders seaside councils to hang cardboard pictures of clean beaches on British seafronts

Most of 2021 has seen parts of the country afflicted by sporadic, worsening and most of all baffling shortages of food stuffs on supermarket shelves. Although luckily for the Executive if you’re still a committed Brexiter or Lexiter you’re visually incapable of seeing the gaps. And even if you do see them you’ll be able to explain them away with magic. So it’s not yet as bad as it could be.

“We still had to act quickly on the supply side issues,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The decision to shroud empty shelves in cardboard cutouts of food was a revolution in the shopping habits of Britons. Clearly if we can produce images of food the food will follow as what did we photograph in the first place to make the cutouts? There is nothing to worry about, except perhaps a waistline that is slimmer than your target.”

Happily the technology deployed against the faltering post-Brexit supply chains can also be used to deal with environmental disaster.

“The pumping of billions of gallons of untreated human waste into English rivers, streams, lakes and the sea could have been a disaster if we had a less nimble government,” the source explains. “Can you imagine the potential damage to shareholder profits if an insane PM was in power? One who said to private water companies you’ve taken £51 billion or so in profits and done bugger all to sort out the aged infrastructure? Fix it. Calamity would have followed. Committed water utility owners would likely have exited the market and moved straight into PPE. Which between you and me is still an attractive sector as it doesn’t rely on importing purification chemicals from the EU. Unlike water.”

It is hoped none of the water utilities will jump shit, but to ensure they stay seated the government has engaged local councils.

“Any seaside council now has to adorn the beachfront with giant posters of a clean beach. One that isn’t polluted with Brexshits. It’s a total boom for the events and advertising, graphic design and haulage industry. Just one of the many examples of how innovation is driven by Brexit.”

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FURY as Brussels tells Johnson he can’t take turn as EU Council President

CAKE AND EAT IT : Downing Street is reported to be on a WAR FOOTING today after the TYRANNICAL EU told U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson that he will not be allowed to take HIS TURN as EU council president.

“The current presidency of the EU is held by Germany, Slovenia and some other place,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We all know it operates as a trio since the imposition of the Lisbon tyranny. It chairs meetings and other boring stuff and tries to all get along. Brexit shouldn’t mean the U.K. is no longer involved. We’ve left the EU. We haven’t left Europe. It’s just punishing us for Brexit.”

No lesser powerhouse than Lord Frost is expected to demand the U.K. still takes its turns with the Presidency and any other outcome will be unacceptable. It’s believed he will call on the ghost of past politicians to reinforce the British claim to control Europe.

“The EU is playing with fire by blocking U.K. involvement in its ruling structures,” the source goes on. “It just shows they don’t understand Brexit and have not yet reconciled themselves to it. If they don’t watch out we will force all EU truck drivers to take the Life in the U.K. test before being issued temporary visas to work in the U.K. We hold all the cards and Brussels knows it!”

How the EU will respond to Downing Street’s reasonable request to chair its governing structures is not yet clear, but Downing Street are confident that carrying on like a madman will get it concessions. Brexit shouldn’t mean loss of access for the U.K. as “we are too big a market for German carmakers.”

“Look what we’ve achieved so far?” the source comments. “Everyone is talking about Boris and that is exactly the way he likes it. We will have our hake and eat it.”

The source later clarified their comment to “cake and eat it” because for some curious reason everyone is now wary of eating hake from sovereign British waters.