LCD Views

LEOPARDS AND SPOTS : World beating British Prime Minister Boris Johnson maybe on the ropes but he’s not yet down, which will please the people currently battering him.

This entirely fabricated report, based on the PM’s well documented past activities, can reveal that in an imaginary and close meeting last night inside the headquarters of the 1922 coven the Prime Minister regaled Tory rebels with stories of his “Falstaffian capacity for indecency” and “carousing”. The references led to many of the newer selection of Tory MPs, elected in 2019 to GET BREXIT DONE, reaching for their smart phones to search for meaning.

“It was a tour de force,” one insider told LCD Views. “It was the old Boris back and swinging. Everyone there was left with the distinct impression that the government of the UK was on a steady course. The direction remains completely unclear, but that’s what was so reassuring.”

And to prove he isn’t removed from the day to day struggles of the hardworking patriots of Britain Mr Johnson revealed a keen awareness of the cost of living crisis.

“I was in the toilet at the time looking up carousing, but I heard rumours after that the PM promised to change mistresses. This will be all that is needed to prove he understands the impact of the high energy costs and looming tax rises on the voters.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will install his next mistress in “much cheaper accommodation and there’ll be no messy divorces and marriages. No gold wallpaper next time. Potentially S925, so still shiny, but nowhere near as extravagant.”

The promise to reign in the PM’s spending to bring it inline with ordinary people may have a potential downside.

“Donors anxious to get in the PM’s good graces for no particular reason at all maybe alarmed though,” the source muses. “His financial incontinence and inability to see consequences in any sphere, personal, business or government, is what has made him so attractive. If he really does lower his cost of living it could lead to a crisis in the actual way the UK is currently governed.”

Exactly who the PM has his eye on isn’t known but, “Given he’s pretty much screwed the entire country in his brief time in office it’ll be a short list indeed.”

GOOD NEWS IF TRUE : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has sought to get ahead of the Sue Gray report into Downing Street parties by having a fictional source reveal the findings of its own non-existent inquiry into the Downing Street lockdown rule busting parties.

The report has been titled “If the house is a rocking don’t bother knocking!” after a famous 80’s popular music hit beloved of the PM, and the title sets the tone for the content.

“We were in a mood to celebrate,” the report details after interviewing no one. “Dead people had piled up across the country because old Bojo really could care less, and other dead people would do so in even greater magnitude in the coming months, so if we couldn’t celebrate before that happened when could we?”

This will be considered a fair explanation by the Mail and the Sun, which is all that really matters. But there’s more.

“We had to pop a few corks to celebrate the success of the UK’s ramped up vaccine roll out. Because it was bound to be a great success when it happened. Who can blame us? Some of you, indeed many of you, are only alive today as a result of it. You were in danger of dying as a result of a decision to make masks a culture war battleground, just think yourself lucky the PM hedged his bets! And at the time we conceived of vaccinating against a potentially lethal virus no one else was even thinking about it. We essentially saved humanity. We should be commended, not nitpicked at over a few close friends sharing a glass of fizz. So why don’t you all just get back into your boxes and doff those caps.”

How much the report will protect the PM against the Gray report isn’t yet clear though, with Sue’s masterpiece due for delivery tomorrow.

“If she focuses on reality we’re screwed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Thankfully the UK abandoned reality way back on the 24th June 2016, so there’s hope for the old blonde boofhead yet. By the way, have I mentioned the UK’s vaccine roll out? We’re ahead of the world. Except for the parts of it that we’re now behind.”

FINGERS IN THE EARS AND GOING LA LA LA: Ignorance is bliss. Although ignorance of the law is no defence. Especially if you are the one who created the law then spent days repeating it. 

World beating world king and newly clothed emperor, Boris Johnson, is feeling the heat. Why, oh why, oh why, he demands, does anyone expect ME to run the country? 

“When I, as it were, isn’t it, you know, yes, no, well, erm, wiff waff, became, you know, Prime Minister, nobody told me that I actually had to do the Prime Ministering,” Johnson revealed. “All I have to do is to be PM, other people actually, and and and, this is not easy to say, VACCINES!!, erm, other people actually do the work.” 

Where does the buck stop? 

“The bucks go into my pocket, with the pounds, euros and roubles,” he replied. “The bucks stop with me, I can always get someone else to buy stuff, like that ghastly wallpaper that ghastly woman foisted on me.” 

Carrie? 

“Is that the filly’s name? Really?” he spluttered. “Leaking to the press, going behind everyone’s back, manipulating, pretending to have babies. I mean, I thought that was my job!” 

No, your job is to run the country. 

“You don’t want me running the country!” chuckled Johnson. “Can you imagine? Talking bollocks, waving a little flag, dressing up, getting pissed, and saying ‘wiff waff’ all the time? I would be rubbish!” 

But still you became the PM. 

“Nobody told me I would have to do any, erm, erm, what’s the word now… ah yes, work!” he snivelled. “I’ve never followed the rules before, why start now? Wiff waff! Veni vidi da Vinci Code! In any case we must wait for Sue Grey’s report, which will be delayed indefinitely.” 

The job of world king is not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. 

YOU CAN’T BUY CLASS BUT YOU CAN GET IT DONATED : RUMOURS IN THE WESTMINSTER VILLAGE suggest that Britain’s outgoing Prime Minister Carrie Johnson and her consort Boris are to ask the HIGH COURT to rule on whether or not they get to keep the gold wallpaper.

The decision to redecorate the famous Downing Street address was taken early in the Johnson’s tenure and one of the most significant decisions the pair took while in government. It was hoped the changes to 10 Downing Street would have been at least “as semi-permanent as a Boris Johnson family household” but it seems likely the wallpaper will be stripped away as rapidly as “a Union Flag by the tutor in an IT lesson”.

The fate of the wallpaper is a key decision as it symbolises the great strides taken by the pair as they oversaw the successes of not only Brexit and the pandemic, but of bringing a touch of new money class to the “slum” in central London.

“If Mr and Mrs Johnson keep possession of the wallpaper it will go a long way to funding their retirement from public life,” our non-existent financial expert comments on the fabricated rumours. “It is believed to be high carat wallpaper and could be melted down and recast as ingots.”

Although there is more than just immediate financial security riding on who keeps the stunning wall covering.

“If the wallpaper is deemed by a judge to be public property it will have to be treated like all public assets under Tory administrations,” our expert concludes. “That is sold off to private interests, stripped and the profits relocated to an offshore location. From there they can be used to purchase more public assets in the virtuous cycle of Conservative fiscal management of UK plc.”

But it’s felt that Mr Johnson may have more than financial aims in his mind.

“If he continues on as an MP he will be dreaming of his comeback and will likely use lengths of the impressive paper to write letters of no confidence on about whoever succeeds him as PM. Presumably before he’s even had time to pack his bags and get out of No 10.”