Category: Governing the people

Arlene Foster, leader of the United Kingdom via the bung Theresa May paid the DUP, has reiterated her firm stance on there being no deviation between Northern Ireland and the United Kingdom in status or law.

“Except for laws concerning abortion, marriage and now I have added whether or not poor children can have a hot school meal to my short list,” Ms Foster told a gathering of journalists at her weekly media session at 10 Downing Street.

“I don’t have a lot of time today, I’ve got to go and have my regular meeting with the Queen,” she added, urging reporters to get their questions in swiftly.

LCD Views had our rookie at the meeting and he asked some pointed questions of the acting prime minister.

“Ms Foster, do you think it will be possible to resume the power sharing agreement, or mandatory coalition in Northern Ireland soon? As it doesn’t seem too mandatory at the moment?” Green Searchlight asked.

Green Searchlight was immediately ejected from the room.

We gathered the rest of our quotations because Sky News reporter Beth Rigby allowed us to photocopy her shorthand notes later. We like Beth.

Asked what other exceptions Ms Foster was planning to add to her list as the DUP tail continued to wag the Downing Street dog, Ms Foster was adamant, as always.

“Dinosaurs. Egg shaped earth. Healing anyone with the wrong Jesus. Acknowledgement of the Oireachtas as governing any inch of the island of Ireland. Pubs that open on Sunday…”

It took the rest of the meeting to compete the list and no more questions were taken.

LCD Views commends the laudable display of economy shown by both Ms May and Arlene Foster. It seems if you put your mind to it you can make one billion pounds stretch a very long way, especially if the person holding the chequebook is terrified of you.

And we state categorically that there is nothing hypocritical or disgusting about two political leaders who profess to having a strong Christian faith doing a bargain that robs potentially a million poor children of a hot meal. It’s actually very traditional for Christian politicians to be screaming hypocrites and we commend this statement to the house.

Boris Johnson has announced his intention to ride bareback and shirtless around Hyde Park, to show master poisoner Vladimir Putin what he’s dealing with if he continues to mess about with Global Britain.

Speaking as he saddled his steed for the event, a bare chested Mr Johnson sounded upbeat.

“This is cherry picking at its fandiggly finest,” the statement led to calls for Mr Johnson to put his shirt back on, but he was unrepentant, “once I jiggle and wiggle and bomdoddle doddle about the lush, green and pleasant lawn of England’s capital city that dastardly Russian chap will beg us to send our footie boys to his golden palladium in the snow.”

It’s not clear if the ride was agreed with the prime minister beforehand. There are rumours that the foreign secretary has gone rogue again.

“Ms May is seething about it,” a rumourmonger told us, “she was planning to do exactly the same thing dressed Boudicca. Boris has buggered it all up. This really does confirm the rumours that he listens to her planning meetings outside of the office at 10 Downing Street with a glass pressed to the door.”

The outing by Mr Johnson will be broadcast live on the BBC with appropriately patriotic music.

“I’ve heard they’re getting some pipers in and they’ll be in the nude. Completely starkers. We know Vlad’s bearskin style and we’re going to show that fellow who’s buffer when it comes to international rows about minor issues to do with knocking off spies.”

We understand there will be popcorn available from stands along the route Boris is to ride and that he will do it without a saddle, just his big, hearty thighs gripping the sides of a thirty four year old horse, chosen for its age, to make it less likely Boris will get thrown off. Although the horse may not survive.

“I’ve heard that Theresa is so chip spitting furious she’s going to go Boudicca and challenge him to a chase. She’s going to quiz him in public about how he got a Russian first name and an American surname!

Get your selfie sticks out and get to Hyde Park and get in the picture. They’re doing this for Global Britain. Ride Boris! Ride!”

Negotiations have begun between Arlene Foster of the DUP and a company in the EU to build a seamless wall on the Northern Ireland border.

“We don’t want to say to much about this initiative,” said Foster, “as I am still trying to solve the wood pellet problem I caused last year.”

The estimate for the wood pellet overspend is rumoured to be approximately £500m. Foster is confident that she and the DUP can recoup these funds with the new wall.

“We want it to be as high as Trump’s Mexican wall. We don’t want those Irish speaking Mexicans coming up from Dublin to pollute our Presbyterian Protestant heritage,” she said.

Could you tell LCD Views how you plan to build a seamless wall so cheaply?

“We will call upon every family household who voted Brexit to help us, and if we run out, we can now make a call to Denmark for further help. We know that there are many many boxes of Lego going unused. Bricks of Lego stored in cupboards, in lofts and attics all across the country.”

“The DUP head office were contacted by a Mr O’Halloran of Portrush to say he had just stepped on another brick of ‘effing’ Lego for the ‘umpteenth effing’ time, and whilst hopping in pain, phoned us to offer all of his son’s Lego to the seamless wall project.”

But how will this wall be seamless, LCD Views asked.

“Can you spot the join once two Lego bricks are joined together?” asked Arlene. “We’ll make an enormous saving on cement and mortar and we can use the different brick colours to create a camouflage design to keep those hippy environmentalists happy.”

Children are grief stricken at the thought that the Lego version of The Millennium Falcon that took the whole of the Christmas week to build, are to be broken apart in order to build a wall on the island of Ireland.

“I don’t care if children cry,” Arlene reassured, “wait until they run into my wall. Then they damn well have something to cry about!”

The frenzied work to ensure British subjects at least were immune to the nerve agent used on the weekend to attack the Russian double agent bore fruit today with the identification of a British man who has so much nerve he’s immune.

“The individual is a bullish, middle aged, blonde man who luckily is already in the employ of the state and can thus more readily be tested in the hope of developing a potion to defend all,” an Mi5 researcher told LCD Views on the promise on anonymity.

But Agent Smiles how did you identify the individual so quickly?

“We simply did a trawl through the publicly available media reports of bombastic improvisation artists who charge about the political china shop smashing anything worthwhile to pieces,” the anonymous spy revealed, “it didn’t take long to identify the individual. Minutes actually.”

But Agent Jeremiah Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close how can you convert the nerve of this man into a defensive measure?

“We’re going to take a sample of his blood and homoeopathically dilute it into a sprayable solution that will be exploded above the United Kingdom and dispersed by natural weather patterns over the entire landscape.”

Thank you Agent Jeremiah A. Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close, Dorseter, your dark hair and curiously pointy ears are very reassuring.

“My pleasure, now if you don’t mind I’ve got to help prepare a series of media releases that should keep Brexit at item two or three of the news cycle for a week.”

But critics of the strategy have raised concerns that spraying a solution of this individual across the country risks turning the United Kingdom into one complete idiot.

We asked a defence spokesman from Downing Street to rebut that concern.

“What’s to worry about? We’re already at that stage. Have you looked at over riding domestic and foreign policy lately?”

LCD Views has heard today from a rabbit in the headlights who is demanding the U.K. government step down with immediate affect, as they’re giving him a bad reputation.

”To be fair my reputation wasn’t that good to start with,” Mr A Rabbit told us, “but since the 24th June 2016, when WonderTory Dave made a dash for it, things have been getting incrementally worse day by day.”

Mr Rabbit now fears the stain on his low reputation may soon be so difficult to remove he’ll have to wait to be run over with Theresa May and her cabinet of talents.

”You see her stood there day after day with the big, red Brexit bus barrelling down at her at top speed and you want to shout GO!

Just get out of the way!

And take the country out of the way while you’re at it!

But she doesn’t. Her eyes just get wider and wider and her body stiffer with terror and her utterances more strangled and inane.”

Mr Rabbit claims he definitely would have hopped out of the way by now.

”You see plenty of dead pheasants beside the country’s roads. Foxes. The occasional badger. Not too many rabbits though.

And here’s an entire party of governance just frozen while the country decays and an entirely avoidable disaster gets closer and closer.

If only our parliamentary system allowed for some kind of opposing party to make the case for not getting flattened into paste.”

While LCD Views feels a small measure of sympathy for Mr Rabbit, we feel it is our potatriotic duty to remind him that we’re all Brexiters now and we must all stand still, terrified in the giant light of the approaching Brexit, deny it’s happening and make the best of a future that is both pants and paste.

Shocking news is breaking this evening that Theresa May’s permanent residency visa has been revoked by Cloud Cuckoo Land as she’s now too deluded even for them.

“It comes on the back of her statement that the Brexit negotiations, currently being conducted by a faded imperial power deluded into thinking it’s going through a rebirth, and the EU27, that these negotiations will be an example for the whole world to follow,” LCD’s residency correspondent reports,

“apparently Ms May was already pushing her luck, but this was one insane statement too far.”

Even as we are going to print with this breaking news story immigration officials from the Immigration and Border Service of Cloud Cuckoo Land are believed to be escorting Ms May to a holding centre.

“It’s expected her case will be fast tracked, appeals turned down, and she’ll be out of the door by tomorrow morning and flown home.

She will then be forced to continue living at 10 Downing Street for an unspecified, but limited amount of time, and continue to lead the Conservative Party, until either Gove or Johnson can actually get a knife to stay in her back.”

It’s not clear how Ms May will take this latest setback.

Especially as it comes on the back of setting the world alight only a few days ago with a speech on Brexit hailed by her entire party as both “unfittingly insane” and “the last ridiculous word salad she would be allowed to utter in public before Cloud Cuckoo Land takes action”.

In advance of her return to Downing Street Ms May has apparently ordered all mirrors smashed and the shards buried in a deep pit.

“This is just sensible policy now,” our correspondent observes, “heaven help her if she ever takes a good look at herself while hearing her own words broadcast at the same time. In this instance the old adage, know thyself, would be tantamount to extreme and punitive self flagellation.”

LCD Views’ political environment analyst has received word today that Michael Gove MP is expected to back down on his famous straw ban shortly, as his government needs all the straws it can clutch at.

“It’s a deeply personally blow for Michael,” Rosie Searchlight says, “he’s so in love with polar bears and little robin redbreasts, he can’t stand the thought of not protecting their environment, unless it’s for a wholly justifiable reason like fracking the crap out of them for a quick buck.”

There has been suspicion that the single use straw ban policy was actually just a multi-use distraction by the government, which served the added purpose of bolstering Michael Gove’s solid reputation as a hippy.

“It’s amazing when you think of how some talents dedicate themselves to public service,” Rosie comments with a dead pan expression, “rather than just being a likely Murdoch stooge, greasing the wheels of government and creating malignancies in democracy. He could have been editor of a publication like ‘Ethics Trader’, or probably led a fortune 500 company to destruction.”

But the reversal of the straw ban will be welcomed by most MPs cross party as a welcome return to sanity by government.

“Look around the big hall at Westminster,” Rosie adds, “most MPs from the two big political parties are at full clutch 24/7.

The government, as it pretends Brexit won’t double down on all the human hating stuff they’ve done while in office to benefit offshore, tax avoiding capital and stuff the rest of us.

And the official opposition, who is not really doing bugger all out of some hazy notion that if they just stand by and let the whole country burn, they’ll be seen as our saviours when they pull the only survivor out of the inferno and set them to work on a collectivised farm.

They all need every straw they can draw from the sweaty hand of spin in place of democracy.

Multi-use would be preferable, and certainly kinder to badgers, but single use will do any given day, it’s the way we’ve been governed since Blair took us into the Iraq War and it’s served us well enough so far.”

Why change now?

Great news for those who love their politics with entertainment today with the announcement that Conservative MP for Wonderland, Nadine Dorries, has signed up for the new reality TV show “I’m an idiot get me out of here”.

We spoke to Nadine to learn more about this wonderful new rut for her to plough back and forth, back and forth, deeper and deeper.

“It’s giving me goosebumps,” Nadine began, while stuffing a kitten into a sack, “my only concern is that I might miss some of the small animal sacrifices at the weekly ERG Whatsapp group meeting.”

Filming on the series has already begun, which came as a surprise to Nadine.

“What? You mean I’m already starring in it? I hadn’t realised. Oh wow.”

You didn’t realise it was a fly on the wall documentary about your day to day routine?

“No. I thought it would be like when I starred in ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of her’, you know, first class travel to an island paradise. So I don’t have to do anything extra?”

Nadine, with your tweet last night calling John Major a traitor, you’ve built so high on your earlier work calling for the UK to leave the customs union, because you couldn’t understand how it works, that you really don’t need to do anything else but stand down as an MP and begin a professional twitter career like Katie Hopkins.

“Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret,” Nadine said, “I’ve been approached by a little community activist group headed by this very stern, but impressive, figure calling himself Oswald. They want me to be their poster girl.”

Again Nadine, with your recent work, you are already doing that too.

“Oh goodie! I’m just a little old servant to the will of the people.”

And we know where that work leads. Don’t we Nadine? We have history to guide us.

“What’s history?”

Enjoy the ongoing reality show.

“What’s reality?”

Thanks Nadine and so long for now.

“Who’s Nadine? What is a Nadine?”

A very good question indeed. You are what you tweet Nadine. You are what you tweet.

Boris Johnson has confirmed today that there’s no hard border between his backside and his brain, during comments in an interview that even a BBC journalist found hard to swallow, and some would say they’re pretty adept at eating whatever bs senior Brexiters dish up these days.

“There’s no border between my balls, my bowels, my brain and my mouth,” the Foreign Secretary, who is the United Kingdom’s international face, said,

“but when I was just a cheeky posh chappie on a comedy panel show I invisibly took millions of people for fools who thought I was a bit of a lovable rogue, but posh, so I must be smart, and I converted that at the ballot box,” Johnson told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme.

“There are all sorts of arrangements to stop the crap in people’s intestines from getting into their minds and out of their mouths, but I think it would ruin my special appeal if I took any steps to stop talking horseshit on the hoof.”

But Boris’ next comments, wherein he compared the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland raised a few eyebrows, when he compared them to the invisible dividing lines between London boroughs.

“The decades long civil war in London, wherein arms smuggling and attacks happened all along the hard border between Camden and Islington was stopped when I brought in the congestion charge,” Mr Johnson opined, “it will be this easy to tear Northern Ireland out of the customs union and single market and ensure there is no return to paramilitary activity in Ireland.

And if there is, and a few customs officers are shot or blown up, do I really look like a man who could care less?”

No Mr Johnson, Secretary of State for Exiting Reality, you do not look like a man who cares, but the rest of us damn well should, firstly about how you stay in your post?

Deputy prime minister Jeremy Corbyn, MP for East Ideology and Islongintooth, is to intervene today to quell growing concerns over his coalition government’s handling of Brexit.

It’s believed the senior partner in the coalition, prime minister Theresa May, will follow up her subordinate’s speech on Friday, once they’ve had time to manufacture new cake and eat it bullshit to compensate where her deputy’s speech falls flat.

”We’ve succeeded in pulling the wool over the electorate’s eyes so far,” media guru P Mason told LCD Views, “we hope to reach the cliff edge and hurl the entire country off into a bit of good old fashioned socialism mixed with nationalism in a disaster capitalism cup before they cotton on.”

Accusations that the coalition government has too much on its plate, what with crumbling infrastructure and lengthy food bank queues to even attempt seismic change to the economy and Little Britain’s place in the world, were dismissed by Mason.

”Now, I maybe high as a kite on uncut ideology sunshine,” Mr Mason retorted, “but I will not have it that we’ve too much on our plate and not enough time to eat it.”

But what of the claim that both the PM and her deputy are spoon feeding a dog’s dinner to the public?

“The remoaners will be forced to eat humble pie in the due course of events.

Mostly because there won’t be anything else to eat once you’ve fought the stray dogs and cats to take home the fresh kill fox carcass from the side of the road. But I can reassure you food supplies in the Houses of Parliament will remain consistent, no matter how hard will jointly shaft the country.”

Any suggestion that this has been longer in the planning than anyone suspects were also dismissed.

”Just because several of the senior party figures from both sides of the coalition were firm friends in the days of being parliamentary rebels together in no way means there maybe a lot more coordination than suspected. That’s tin foil visor stuff.”

Thats good to know, the country will need wise leadership once Donald Trump begins his currency and trade war in earnest against the Chinese, crashes western economies as a result, all while we’re making a success of Brexit.

”It’s going to be a red, white and blue Brexit,” Mason added, “but we’re better at sectarian infighting than our coalition partners, so if we time our long game big play just right, it will really just be a red, red and red Lexit.”