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Now we have left the EU, we can raise parliamentary standards, says Boris Johnson

RIP IT UP AND START AGAIN: Freedom from the rules and order of the EU has given the UK a fantastic opportunity, declares Boris Johnson. We can raise standards even higher by ripping up the ministerial code. 

This Brexit Opportunity is so glaringly obvious, that even the Brexit Opportunities Minister, Jacob Rees-Mogg, didn’t spot it. 

It’s not even the first time this method has been used. The only reason that we can’t hear the sound of all our laws being torn to pieces is that the noise from the non-stop Downing Street party drowns it out. 

In fact, the only thing in Westminster being shredded faster than evidence of Boris Johnson’s misdemeanours is what’s left of the UK’s reputation. 

“We are levelling up standards!” blurted the PM, brandishing an empty wine glass. “Captain Boring Old Rules, you know, what’s his name, that lawyer chappie, yes, no, yes, Sir Fire Starter, twisted fire starter, he would have us shackled to common decency for ever!” 

He burped loudly. “Jeeves! I need a top-up!” He waggled the wine glass impatiently while a flunky tried to refill it. “I’m at work, you know. Hurry up!” 

He drained the glass and Jeeves automatically refilled it. “That’s better. Now go!” he bawled. “Veni, vidi, vino, that’s my blotto motto. Wiff waff. Every day’s a Friday!” 

He waved a crumpled bit of wine-stained paper in the air, like a drunken parody of Neville Chamberlain. “I have here in my hand an assurance from the Standards Committee that they won’t complain that they weren’t invited to the party – I mean the work event, obviously. The new code *belch* will stop the interfering nosy busybodies from investigating me at every turn, so, erm, so what? So sorry, I’ve lost my thread, like Ariadne, now she was a fine filly, phwoarrr, let’s get on the job! I mean, let’s get on WITH the job!”

He stumbled offstage, and the party continued backstage. 

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Royal Mint issues edible coins to prove to poor people you can eat a meal for 30p

AS MUCH GOLD AS YOU CAN EAT : Poor people across the United Kingdom are said to be in a celebratory mood today after the government ordered the Royal Mint to issue edible coinage.

Edible coins are of course no novelty as they occur naturally in a seasonal way each December, but to see their sudden appearance in spring is expected to cause raucous celebrations amongst the workshy and cut a swathe through the burgeoning lines at food banks.

“It looks like Tory spokesman Lee Anderson was bang on for the money,” a layabout welfare scrounger told LCD Views, “excuse me, I’ve got to get to my third zero hours contract job.”

And in a savage retort to the criticisms that it’s not only the cost of purchasing the ingredients, it’s the cooking fuel and equipment that cost too, the coins come pre-cooked with a shelf life significantly longer than any fresh fruit or veg (since Brexit got done).

It is hoped the edible coins will end the tiresome debate over the rising cost of living which is said to have already “bored the PM into a torpor”.

The coins themselves will cost only the face value they are minted with.

“This means that there are real savings to be had now with the weekly grocery bill,” a 10 Downing Street economic whiz told us. “By this time next week the 20p coin will be worth 10p which will make them even cheaper on the second hand market.”

But there is one fly in the ointment, as the first editions have been inadvertently minted in Euro’s and not pence.

“That’s a teething problem,” the spokesman clarified. “Due to mysterious supply chain issues the raw ingredients to make them are currently in short supply in the UK so we’ve contracted the minting to a Dutch-French-German-Slovenian firm.”

Later editions are expected to come in Sterling but until then you can be reassured that “while stuck in a rest of the world queue at a Spanish airport you can at least eat the coins in your pocket.”

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Boris Johnson to claim asylum in Ukraine

THE ASYLUM HAS TAKEN OVER THE LUNATICS: With his unpopularity at an all time high, Boris Johnson is on the lookout for an exit strategy. A good one. One that allows him to leave his disastrous term as Prime Minister behind, without the ignominy of resigning. 

The war in Ukraine, triggered right on cue by his psycho pal Putin, offered him an opportunity. The world’s spotlight is on Eastern Europe, conveniently close to Russia, and far enough away so that only the most sycophantic media can be bothered with him. 

Here, a simple walkabout in the deserted streets of Kyiv with today’s hero Volodymyr Zelensky, was just what Johnson was looking for. Publicity shots over, media bootlickers safely barricaded in their hotel rooms getting wasted on bootleg vodka, here was his big chance. 

Nobody knows exactly what passed between the two men in the presidential bunker. Certainly not Johnson, whose memory and mouth are in no way connected. Zelensky was not revealing anything, either, although his stony demeanour indicated something extremely unpleasant. 

Most reliable reports, or at least, the least unreliable ones, suggest that Johnson intended to claim asylum in Ukraine. And Zelensky, who wished Johnson a million miles away, was unable to refuse. 

Johnson will be able to hide in a whole country, instead of the traditional walk-in fridge. From this safe vantage point he will be able to watch the UK crash and burn, without being there when it happens. His loyal army of social media bots (paid for by Putin) will be able to assert that this only happened because of Johnson’s absence. 

In a sense this might be true. The crashing and burning would happen much faster with Johnson in charge. 

And when the whole sorry business is over, he can call Uncle Vlad to rescue him, his work done. 

And then Putin can send him to the gulags. 

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“Just a mystery everything has gone to hell under Boris” – Downing Street inquiry

SEEING IS BELIEVING : 10 DOWNING STREET have released the details of a long awaited public inquiry into the impact of Prime Minister Boris Johnson on standards of living in the United Kingdom, and it makes for comforting reading for the PM.

“There have been some murmurings from traitors in recent weeks that it’s Mr Johnson’s fault that everything is going to hell in a handcart,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, as he revealed the single A4 sheet of paper comprising the report into living standards.

“After an exhaustive wine and cheese event, during which living standards were discussed, we can reassure everyone that nothing is the fault of Boris. And all that Russian cash in Tory coffers has had no impact on decision making for over a decade. Also the decision to scale back green incentives some years back left us well placed to ramp them up in the current crisis.”

It is hoped the findings will help put paid to suggestions that the PM is terrible at governance, couldn’t really give a toss about your lives and surrounds himself with yes people who are more interested in wasting your money on professional photographers for social media postings then actually working out how to stop everything from the cost of living to plagues ruining your lives.

“Mr Johnson is deeply, deeply committed to the wellbeing of all of his subjects,” the spokesman affirmed. “Just look at how the stars aligned for that woman who was held prisoner for years in Iran. What was her name? Anyway, the details aren’t important. The moment we needed Iranian gas and oil she was free! See how the stars align under Boris!”

To celebrate the findings 10 Downing Street is planning a billboard campaign called “It’s a lovely day tomorrow”, which will place prominent images of happy, smiling people above the queues for food banks.

“The ruinous rise in heating costs is another example of the magic of the PM,” the spokesman added. “If you’re in the energy sector and wholesale prices are 1/3 of your costs you get to multiply those costs by the hundreds of percent and completely drain away the last financial reserves of the public. But the media will help you look elsewhere. In this way Mr Johnson can enjoy his champagne while sat on his gold toilet.”

As to what is causing everything to deteriorate, now that we know it isn’t the lies and incompetence of the government, the spokesman has some reassurance.

“It’s a complete mystery, but we suspect it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”

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Knighting Tony Blair wins “Dead Cat 2022 Award” for Boris Johnson

OVER BEFORE IT STARTED : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to be suffering a serious low after only just being as high as a kite on his own genius.

The cause of the moodiness is rumoured to be the sudden awareness that he is unlikely to come up with a better dead cat to distract “the left” than knighting Tony Blair.

“The PM only really has a few things that give him a reason to get out of bed in the morning,” a worried 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Shagging is clearly top of the list. The whole country if possible, weekly. Drinking. That goes without saying. And winding up the left to distract from all the horrible stuff he does each day.”

While the honours system is now so debased that anyone pausing a moment could be forgiven for thinking a Johnson gong is actually a negative, making the gristly old T-Bone a Sir has done a wonderful job of taking many an opposition activist’s eye off the ball.

“This will blow over of course and the rampant and potentially criminal mishandling of the pandemic will come back into focus,” the source frets. “And a new dead cat will be required. Most of the ghastly stuff we do is wrongly called a dead cat, but Tony is a special one. But where to turn now? When you’re demolishing all standards of representative democracy you need to keep the people frothing and looking anywhere but at whatever Patel is doing.”

It’s thought there is some potential gain though in doubling down on Blair.

“We may make him Lord Islington,” the source grins. “That will keep the Labour activists scratching each other’s eyes out for a bit while we sell the NHS lock, stock and barrel to the US.”