Category: Governing the people

I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON: Recently relegated rogue MP Dominic Raab has come up with a great plan to avoid any unnecessary scrutiny. In his grand plan, low level offenders will be recruited to overcome the national shortage of competent MPs.

Naturally MPs must make the switch in the opposite direction. Any MP lacking the courage of his or her convictions can now have someone else’s conviction, for free.

The allegedly former senior lawyer and heartthrob with the throbbing vein in his temple believes that, at worst, nobody will notice. “The public thinks that we sit around all day, being fed and watered by the public purse, while doing nothing,” remarked low level offender Nick Sweets. “Honestly, the same could be said of most MPs.”

The famous anonymous Downing Street Source struggled to counter Sweets’ assertion. “It’s not true at all!” gibbered the Source, looking around desperately for some straws to grasp. “For example, only today Grant Shapps has drawn up a list! Boris Johnson has put on a Hi-Viz jacket! The list goes on!”

Meanwhile, people like Sweets will be given rigorous training to allow them to solve the MP shortage. The process is likely to be streamlined, says the Source.

“We will show them how to wear a tie,” said the Source. “As Mr Speaker will tell you, this is the first and most important duty of an MP. Their dress is designed to command respect. Then they will be shown how to vote, and told what to vote for. After that, it’s up to them!”

“The question is, do I want to sit all day with a bunch of criminals shouting at each other?” asked Sweets, reasonably. “On balance, I think I would rather stay in prison.”

While Raab and his fellow crooks hope that swapping their MP roles for a short prison sentence means that they will get off lightly for their crimes.

MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND : THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER IS BELIEVED TO BE BEHIND a new plan to end the constant sense of dread and anxiety which is “dampening” down the UK’s economic recovery.

Convincing sufficient numbers of people to pretend the pandemic has ended was a key initial step in the recovery. Operation “I’m alright Jack” has seen many return to living as normal in the hope it’ll just be people they don’t know who die prematurely. Unfortunately the impact of Brexit is causing completely unforeseen problems.

“Rishi has decided it’s time to completely re-engineer the economy,” a source close to the Chancellor says. “It was a bit of a surprise what happens when you take a deeply internationally interconnected industrially developed country and rip it out of reality. No one at all could have seen what Brexit would unleash. It’s all coming totally out of left field to the genius inheritance millionaires sensibly given command of the country.”

But that won’t stop them meeting the challenges they’ve created for all of us headfirst.

“Barter is the way forward. Just for the plebs you understand. Really. Anyone who doesn’t have offshore accounts will qualify for a new Good Egg scheme. Under the scheme people will be given an egg and instructed to go and trade it for another food commodity with a neighbour.”

It is felt returning the peasants to a subsistence lifestyle based on bartering will end concerns over fuel and sufficient numbers of workers for all sectors of the economy.

“So long as international businessman continue to invest money into London and buy property here no one has any concerns about the Conservatives’ economic policies. If you’re lucky you might be able to swap the egg for some flour and then you can combine forces to make a pancake. Which will be lovely.”

After the first egg has been successfully bartered the scheme will end but the need to barter to survive will remain.

*eggs to be made of non-biodegradable plastic and supplied by a Tory donor.

PARTY HATS ON : Westminster has gone into recess for the next three weeks. The decision to shutter the place is technically for party conference season, but really it’s because everything is going so well MPs are taking another well earned break to have some parties.

“Just look about you,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Everywhere you look you can see the impact of sovereignty. Shops. Petrol stations. NHS. Dentists. Control of our borders. It’s amazing what we’ve achieved in just a few months since we got Brexit done.”

Of course it has been long established that nothing can stop a parliamentary recess.

“Recess is the toughest manmade substance known,” the source agrees. “You can’t stop it. It’s like a runaway freight train and it’s left the tracks and is headed for your house. Unlike a grocery delivery. Ha!”

Conferences will be a little different this year with MPs wondering who has got the virus.

“That’s why Tory MPs haven’t been wearing masks in the House of Commons. Forward planning. Let’s all get sick now. One big measles party. Get it over and done with and have at the canapes and champers!”

But there are some who think perhaps now is not the best time to go into recess?

“Look. Have aliens invaded? No? Well. Everything is going just fine. Let’s all get together and tell ourselves what a great job we’re doing, if you’re in the government. If you’re in the official opposition, what’s the point of being in parliament anyway? Whatever crazy idea the Tories have had since 2010 Labour goes along with it. Austerity? Check. Brexit? Check. More Brexit? Check check check. Pandemic forever? Sure, check, just pick about the edges. It’s completely baffling why the Tories continue to run the place ragged when the alternative agrees with them on all the biggest things.”

Perhaps that can be discussed at conference.

IT AIN’T EASY BEING GREEN: Dishevelled and with deeply misplaced leadership ambitions, Boris Johnson lookalike Fozzie Bear has all but ruled out a Muppets reunion. All the others are too busy with running the country down. 

“We’ve all got to grow up a bit,” said Fozzie. “Like me. I’m very grown up, in fact I’m the most grown uppest person I know, but the others aren’t, I mean, they need to prenez a grip here. I’m doing my best. Donnez moi a break!” 

Fozzie paused for effect. Nobody applauded, not even Muppet groupie Cora Lunesberg. 

“Erm, erm, erm, yes, no, well, green is good!” continued Fozzie. “Green is the colour! Green for go! Damien Green! Green with envy like the marionettes! Lucrative greenbacks! Kickbacks! Wiff waff!” 

The other Muppets were not happy. 

“Fame has gone to his head!” remarked Kermit the Frog, during a break in his latest world tour. “One verse in a minor hit single and he thinks he’s Robbie Williams! Riding on the back of MY success! Sorry, but it’s like the tambourine player going solo.” 

Miss Piggy was scathing. “He’s never been the same since he was on that panel show, a few years back,” she said. “It went to his head, which was enormous anyway, and now he’s totally lost it. His appearance has changed too, he used to be quite smart, for a bear. Now he looks like he hasn’t groomed himself for months!” 

“He’s regressed back to Sesame Street days,” said Big Bird. “He couldn’t count to ten for real!” 

“Bring back the Muppets?” said Statler. “Who do they think we are, a bunch of Muppets?” replied Waldorf, and they both dissolved into fits of giggles. 

“Hold on, what’s all this fake news?” roared the real Fozzie Bear. “I was hibernating, what have I missed?” 

Boris Johnson. Calling him a muppet is unfair to Muppets. 

ALL ALONE IN A COLD SEA : The United Kingdom has not gone batshit crazy, that much is obvious, it’s merely having an extended identity crisis. From which it will clearly recover in good order and everyone will be pleased with it.

The decision to keep a prominent monarchy and have the majority of the elected government be people of inherited privilege has in no way caused a conflict psychologically between what overblown, entitled nonsense the country’s rulers are weaned on and reality in the 21st Century world. For those not born to rule, the grand palaces they govern from compensate for what was missing in their early years as they struggled out of state schools and into the arms of the Tory Party.

Happily for the befuddled citizens of the shrinking island estate wedged between the North and Irish Seas they have a Prime Minister who is extremely capable of denying reality and doing whatever the hell he likes. Mostly because unseen forces profit from it.

The young of the island may feel a little lost, with all the upheaval of recent years. But that is just a fitting punishment for being young. Normally it’s a wedge of older voters who feel confused and lost as the world moves on and their minds calcify. Not in Blighty! Here the frozen neurone has taken back control.

But it won’t do to forget the aspirations of the upcoming generations entirely. They need to be guided, a hand held as they step along the suddenly different paths of Brexitannia.

“We will soon be banning smart phones for anyone who is not a Party member,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which means for the great unwashed, as a rule of thumb, anyone under sixty. We’ll also be bringing back pre-decimal currency.”

The return of pounds, shillings and pence will do more than any other measure to help the youth adjust to living on an isolated rock, as the world churns on unseen beyond its borders.

“They’ll be so occupied trying to work out how to pay for this week’s bread ration they’ll forget that once there was a world with greater horizons. And they’ll have the Prime Minister to thank for that.”

PLEASE SIR MAY I HAVE SOME MORE : Fantastic news for social justice campaigners today with the discovery their work just got easier.

The reason for celebration is related to Prime Minister Boris Johnson shuffling the deckchairs on his personal Titanic yesterday. Many had expected the long anticipated flushing of the stools to have “zero to null” influence on the direction of UK governance because “Johnson is an autocrat who only puts subservient fools into high office to give the appearance of a democratic system of government”. Those critics are now attempting to get the finger out of their eye.

The most immediate and dramatic impact of the reshuffle is to do with the much spoken of “levelling up” agenda that Mr Johnson has promoted as his favourite slogan for the “time being”.

Food bank use immediately felt the impact of the butterfly flapping its wings in Westminster with national use dropping to levels not seen since Wednesday 15/09/21. It is also expected that the reshuffle will be the “pillow held over the face in front of the gun” when the planned cut in UC goes forward to encourage “exhausted people holding down several jobs in an increasingly predatory jobs market” to take on more work.

Mr Johnson will later address the country from the head of a banquet table to laugh heartily over his achievements. The public can expect to see soup and wine stains down the front of a “creased shirt worn to excite the keenest of observers”.

The task to level up the country won’t stop with yesterday’s triumph. With plans to drive forward in work poverty and charity use to levels not seen since “the darkest days of Dickensian Britain”. Ordinary folk are expected to applaud the reshuffle with a clap this evening.

“But not from your doorstep like the dark days of 2020,” a Downing Street source urges. “We’d like you to gather in crowded spaces for the clap in an attempt to get our national measles party over as soon as possible.”

DINING AND DYING : The UK’s ramped up, off grid, glamping Prime Minister is to make a major speech this week laying out the unforced errors he’s planning for the months to Christmas.

Clearly with the economy impersonating the Titanic, the novel virus mutating in state schools because no one in power could give a shit, and Shapps attempting to turn the country’s motorways into a Mad Max appreciation society, via HGV interpretative dance, the public need reassurance. That’s where the PM stumbles in. Late. After focus groups suggest he’s tanking.

With his hair cut and his fists clenched Mr Johnson will reveal his detailed planning.

“We will continue to mismanage the pandemic as we have done from the start,” he will say, “to offer the certainty of the continuity of malpractice the public have come to trust as their reality. If you are able to afford a mansion, chauffeur driven cars and helicopter transport you will be as safe as an MP. Well, discounting the days we put on our show in Parliament.”

So far, so good.

“Those of you who have heard rumours of an October half term firebreak can be reassured that if you’ve booked a holiday destination that aligns with a senior cabinet minister, or Tory donor, you will not be inconvenienced. The rest of you? Sacrifices have to be made for the common good. Just not by myself or my cabal.”

The decision to continue to manage the country to allow Tory MPs to maintain lifestyles that most closely resemble their pre-pandemic plans will ground the country in a tranquil assurance.

“It will be like living at the steps of Mount Vesuvius,” the PM will add. “Remember, it’s a lovely day tomorrow, all you have to do is hold your breath.”