Category: Governing the people

YOUR SACRIFICES ARE NOTED : Calming news for the shattered nerves of Blighty today with the announcement by 10 Downing Street that whatever happens the Prime Minister’s Christmas party plans will remain unaltered.

“The public should be in no doubt that no catastrophe or calamity afflicting them will stand in the way of the PM getting hammered in the festive season with his close circle of friends,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told the country. “Mr Johnson did not scheme, bully and lie his way to the top just to let tens of thousands of avoidable deaths among the plebs stop the champagne corks from popping.”

The reassurance that Mr Johnson’s Christmas is safe this year comes as the story breaks that it was also safe last year.

“As you were all making the great sacrifices required last year because Mr Johnson ignored the science and refused to lockdown in the autumn, preferring the pseudo-science, economic illiteracy of his Chancellor, Mr and Mrs Johnson were having a fantastic time with their friends in the public housing stock you pay for.”

The spokesman went on to confirm that last year’s Christmas Party at 10 Downing Street was “mask less” because they thought it unlikely to be able to source sufficient “Restoration era garb” in time for a masked ball.

“The Great British public can look forward to Christmas 2021 knowing that no new variant, no alien invasion, no thermonuclear war, no plague, fire or famine will stop the Johnson’s ripping the piss out of you in private, even as they urge you to behave in exactly the opposite way in public. Merry Christmas, those of you who have survived another year of Boris Johnson as PM.”

PICK ANY VARIANT YOU LIKE : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR WORRIED BRITONS that the geniuses governing them will not see any appreciable impact on their own lifestyles by the changes to the rules in the tantric pandemic.

Designing the rules around the lifestyles of Tory MPs and donors has been a key plank of pandemic policy, especially when it comes to the time to discard the rules. Now from 4pm Tuesday masks will have to be worn on public transport and in the supermarket, but not anywhere fun, so that’s alright.

“This is because the crafty little virus really only targets places where poor people go,” newly promoted Tory Minister for Infections, Basil Toilet-Brush MP told LCD Views. “You know, those little crowded cans they shuffle back and forward in to the mill. Or to mill as a low value economic unit may say. Also to market. But fine dining, the pub and the sweaty private rooms of private members clubs will be immune from the inconveniences.”

The decision to give the new variant several days grace before the change in the rules has also been seen as displaying the PM’s sense of “sportsmanship” and “fair play”.

“There’s no suggestion we will need until late Tuesday to pick donors to throw lucrative contracts at,” the minister reassured.

Fears about non-compliance with the new rules have been eased too, especially in the knowledge that Tory MPs are incapable of adhering to basic rules which safeguard other people.

“There are two places Tory MPs simply do not go,” Toilet-Brush MP stated. “That’s the supermarket and on public transport. So there is no need to fear any of us being fined for non-compliance. We will be in full compliance with the law. The drones who serve us will have to fight for themselves in Tesco. Or on the tube. But that’s fine by us because we don’t care. Now. Another glass of pandemic? It’s a very good vintage this year.”

WHO DARES SINS : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reportedly “livid” after the famous British Special Air Service refused a direct order to undertake a secret, diplomatic mission to France said to be “about Johnson’s level of statecraft”.

There were high expectations in 10 Downing Street of British boots on French soil, but not on the beaches, but those hopes now lay dashed because of an outbreak of “snowflakery” in the elite commando force.

“Is Mr Johnson the Commander in Chief or not?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views, because apparently no one in the famous address actually knew.

It’s said that the Prime Minister himself personally dreamed up the idea of taking a brown paper bag, filling it with Dylin (the prop dog’s) poo and ordering the SAS to sneak into France and leave it BURNING on the front steps of the Élysée Palace.

“What has happened to the famous fighting spirit of British troops?” the source queried. “Putting it up the French is the sole purpose of British enlisted men and always has been, without fail. Is this the 21st century or not? We’ll have to look at a private alternative.”

The decision by the SAS to refuse the mission means that a new defence force review will be ordered by 10 Downing Street.

“Clearly we need a patriotic to takeover. Preferably one who books their profits in a tax haven but makes their money in the U.K. We are going to need to modernise the SAS to make it fit for purpose for the bizarre mind palace the small man in 10 Downing Street lives in.”

For their part their French appear to have declined to comment on the leaked plans preferring instead to use their membership of the largest trading bloc on Earth to wield influence.

“SAS or SAD?” Mr Johnson is said to be asking anyone he can find inside 10 Downing Street, and will continue to do so until someone laughs just to make him shut up and go away.

A PERFECTLY NORMAL COUNTRY : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to have solved the problem of how to keep morale high post Christmas in post-Brexit Britain.

Speculation had been rife that once the 90 days of Christmas concludes with actual Christmas 2021 that the public may feel there isn’t a lot to look forward to, but there is.

“We’re going to save Easter next,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “There was a lot of debate in cabinet over which national holiday to focus on next with Mrs Johnson pushing for Valentine’s Day, but she was eventually over ruled by a collective vote by some foreign donors. So Easter it is.”

The battle to save Easter will begin before the battle to safe Christmas is concluded in order to make the endless struggle to salvage national holidays “seamless”.

“Easter needs Great Britain more than Great Britain needs Easter,” the source explains. “As soon as we fill the aisles of the country’s supermarkets with chocolate eggs the people of this great nation will see that everything is under control.”

Extending national holidays over many months has become a key plank of Brexit governance.

“There is some speculation that Christmas may need to become a year long festival that begins on the 1st of January and concludes on the 31st December. But that is a decision to be taken after we actually implement the Brexit people voted for. Currently our borders are pretty much open to smuggle in whatever goods you like, so we may get away with just a three month long affair like this year. Everything is normal. Look! Doors have wreaths on them in November!”

Quite what the nation’s major supermarkets think about having to start saving Easter before they’ve finished saving Christmas isn’t yet clear.

“They’ll do as they’re told,” the source shrugs, “or the Prime Minister will turn up to one of their annual meetings and give a speech. And no one needs that when they’re battling supply chain issues.”

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : The government is said to be in a “stable, but bereaved” state today after the youngest Tory MP in the House of Commons chose early retirement.

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth was expected to be a leading light as the Conservative Party continued to make head roads into the younger voting demographics, but it seems that will no longer be possible.

“We can still use him as an aspirational example I suppose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Although I doubt he will be much use on the campaign trial. Mostly because he’ll be in one of his Caribbean homes.”

The Prime Minister himself is said to be feeling a deep sense of betrayal over Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth’s decision to cash out early. It is understood he had personally backed the youthful MP over a scandal involving a replica ivory shoehorn and a game of sardines which left several domestic staff needing A&E treatment.

How much Fitz was able to sell his seat for isn’t publicly available, as it is a matter of private interest.

“It’s in the hundreds of millions,” the source admits. “I mean would you cash out early otherwise? Given the earning potential of being a lobbyist for corporate interests in the Mother of Parliaments?”

What is also fuzzy at the moment is whether or not the oil giant will attend the Commons personally to vote.

“I suspect they’ll vote via Zoom? Flying back and forth from their headquarters in the eastern steppe to vote isn’t going to greenwash with anyone.”

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth wasn’t available for comment as he was currently asleep after a late night “sesh” at some villa in Tuscany.

Critics of the MP’s decision are said to be furiously phoning around their corporate sponsors to see what the “going rate” is for their constituency.

“PMQs won’t be much changed over the coming year,” the source adds. “It’ll just be Starmer facing a wall of corporate logos on empty benches. Which is basically how it operates right now at our world beating parliament.”

IF A JOB’S WORTH DOING: Hard working MPs are to have yet another recess. With all the crises and scandals taking up their time, many MPs have fallen behind with their jobs on the side. 

In Boris Johnson’s case, he will be spending the week sourcing a fridge large enough for the entire cabinet to hide in. 

A case in point is Phil Thirich, MP for Croesus Central. He posted updates on his live blog feed. 

“Another recess! Thank goodness the idiot Boris has finally decided to take the heat out of things,” he wrote. “My partners at Croesus Cash Cow Consultancy were anxious that I should fulfil my usual commitments. After all, at over £1,000 an hour, it’s a much better use of my time than sitting in Parliament listening to that dreadful snowflake Bryant. Not to mention having to memorise a new set of lies – I mean, lines – every few hours. It’s so tiring, when instead one can make a few calls, lunch, booze & shmooze, golf, dinner, and wrap up another few mill of business over brandy and cigars. That’s what puts caviar on the table, being an MP is just like a hobby, it helps me keep in touch with the right people, and the pocket money comes in handy of course.”

Thirich is right, of course. Obscene amounts of money don’t just earn themselves. Unless you are supposed to be procuring PPE or employed on a pay-per-policy basis. 

We ordinary mortals must remember that our MPs have their own priorities. They cannot be expected to spend all their time voting to pump shit into the rivers on our behalf. 

After all, given that so many of their constituents are obliged to work two or more jobs in order to make ends meet, it is only right that our representatives set a good example. 

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE TURD SPLASHING : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to take time out from his busy schedule napping this weekend to lead a clap for one of Britain’s most famous parliamentarians.

The decision to spend some time “awake” has not been taken lightly and rumours suggest it is against both Mr Johnson’s alleged handler’s advice and his medical specialists.

“It’s very dangerous for the Prime Minister to be awake at all over the next 48hours,” a leaked paper presumed to be from Mr Johnson’s doctor reads. “There is the real chance of reality temporarily intruding into the carefully crafted fantasy life that Boris has constructed. The harm could be significant.”

If reality is able to “get involved” with Mr Johnson’s perception of the world around him he will need to complete a full course of Pomerol AOC “Château Petrus” 1985. Although finding donors prepared to “pay for the Prime Minister’s arts and crafts supplies is becoming increasingly problematic”.

It is hoped that once awareness of the “personal sacrifice” made by Mr Johnson, when he spends time “conscious” either Saturday or Sunday, becomes public knowledge that a poll bump will follow.

“Owen’s contribution to public life needs acknowledging,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Few people who could have taken the lightest slaps on the wrist and then carried on as before are prepared to allow themselves to be used publicly in an attempt to destroy the last vestiges of accountability in our political system.”

The only potential risk for Mr Johnson clapping in public is thought to lie in the possibility of him taking the course of Pomerol before he tries to put both hands together and make an “audible sound”.

Puppet masters will be on hand to control the strings attached to this wrists during the event. That has been described though as “just business as usual”.

MANNERS MAKETH MAN: We must end the outdated, and deeply annoying, tradition of behaving like children in the House of Commons. This statement from the Leader of the House, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is surprising from a man known to be looked after by his childhood nanny.

The only surprising fact is that he did not condemn the lower orders for lying down and taking a nap on the job. When it was put to him that this was a lie, he merely commented suavely, “One does not lie, one reclines.”

Long-standing Commons traditions of booing, making fart noises, coughing at inappropriate moments, and shooting dried peas from a catapult, were roundly condemned as being childish and rather silly. “Nanny always says that one should act one’s age,” he said, without a trace of irony. “She ensures that one is properly attired for one’s day’s work, and insists that one speaks with respect, even during playtime.”

Rees-Mogg further disclosed that during his years in the House, he had not once messed up his duties as milk monitor.

But what is life really like at home with the Rees-Moggs? Staff working at his modest 179-room mansion, with grounds occupying a mere 12% of East Somerset, were only too eager to spill the beans (and wipe them up afterwards).

“It’s hard to distinguish the children from the adults,” said under-butler Bowen Scrape. “When Jacob and Mrs Jacob line up at the dinner table with Unicycle, Duopoly, Tribble, Quattro, Pentagram, Sixtus, Septicaemia, Octet, Nonentity and Decadence, all with their bibs on, you don’t know which way to look. In the end, you just have to pretend it’s totally normal.”

“Bedtime is eight o’clock sharp for all,” said nursemaid Tanya Hyde. “They all sit around the fireside, while I read them ghastly 17th century fairy tales from a priceless manuscript. Then it’s a cup of warm milk, here is a candle to light you to bed, and a sharp smack if they step out of line.”

Peter Pan syndrome? Only kidding.

PANDEMIC SHAMDEMIC : HEALTH SECRETARY AND BANKER SAJID JAVID spoke to the nation yesterday in a barely telecast spectacle of bollocks.

The key aim of the speech appeared to be to pretend that nothing is going wrong with the management of the pandemic in the UK, in spite of everything very visibly going wrong and many people pointing it out.

Quite why relaxing all restrictions and pretending the virus was gone, or could be controlled by “personal responsibility” has lead to such an extremely negative outcome is baffling for everyone. Sorry. For no one.

“We’re fundamentally incapable of understanding that the health security of the general population is linked to the economy,” a 10 Downing Street source defended the Health Secretary. “As such we think every fresh body thrown on the pile is worth a percentage point of growth. Mercifully we won’t consider the international comparisons that show not letting your country become a viral tip actually improves economic outcomes. But then what do you expect from disaster capitalists pretending to be a government? Oh and we’re complete wankers.”

Compounding the difficulties in not just letting everyone die are a few other factors.

“We’ve forgotten that life is sacred and the government is supposed to do it all can to preserve it, not just arrange bank transfers for mates off the back of a deadly virus. Oh, and there’s an insane streak of US style libertarianism in the Tories these days. Basically it’s a belief system that goes, if it’s not me dying my freedoms are worth it, no matter how unnecessary or small. Cough your last grandma there’s no way an ERG is wearing a mask in a crowded public place. That infringes on his inalienable right to be a complete cock.”

There is also another key metric that so far convinces the Health Secretary he’s on the right path.

“Anyway,” Sajid-19* shrugged, “so long as life expectancy in the House of Commons remains above medieval levels what is there to worry about? Now get on that crowded commuter train and back into the office you expendable plebs.”

LET THE LIES PILE AS HIGH AS THE BODIES : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is facing no pressure to comment on the damning report into his handling of the pandemic as he’s on holiday.

The decision to go to Spain has been explained as a “coincidence” and he would have chosen differently had he known the report was due to be released this week.

“It’s not for nothing that Mr Johnson is known as a lucky general,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He manages to get all his troops slaughtered time after time and then gets a promotion. That’s seriously lucky. He’s unstoppable. You can all be reassured that the Tory economic plan for the future of the UK economy of just money laundering and arms sales is well in hand. Who needs to be in the office to coordinate that? No one.”

Some intrepid souls did try and reach the Prime Minister for comment, but they failed to raise even a whimper.

“That’s because Mr Johnson is a skilled diplomat and is respecting local customs while he’s in Lord Goldsmith’s villa in Marbella,” the source explained. “If reporters tried getting comment from him when he isn’t in siesta they may fare better. Just try him anytime before or after the hours of 00:01 and 23:59:59 any day. It’s really not too much to ask that his effort to fit in with his idea of the Spanish lifestyle be sacrosanct during a well earned break from accountability.”

When asked what the PM would have chosen to do had the MPs taken the effort to give him advance warning of the release day of their report, the source replied, “He would have ramped up his efforts. He would have gone the extra mile. He would definitely have gone even further away. Easter Island or maybe even Pitcairn Island.”