WHO DARES SINS : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reportedly “livid” after the famous British Special Air Service refused a direct order to undertake a secret, diplomatic mission to France said to be “about Johnson’s level of statecraft”.
There were high expectations in 10 Downing Street of British boots on French soil, but not on the beaches, but those hopes now lay dashed because of an outbreak of “snowflakery” in the elite commando force.
“Is Mr Johnson the Commander in Chief or not?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views, because apparently no one in the famous address actually knew.
It’s said that the Prime Minister himself personally dreamed up the idea of taking a brown paper bag, filling it with Dylin (the prop dog’s) poo and ordering the SAS to sneak into France and leave it BURNING on the front steps of the Élysée Palace.
“What has happened to the famous fighting spirit of British troops?” the source queried. “Putting it up the French is the sole purpose of British enlisted men and always has been, without fail. Is this the 21st century or not? We’ll have to look at a private alternative.”
The decision by the SAS to refuse the mission means that a new defence force review will be ordered by 10 Downing Street.
“Clearly we need a patriotic to takeover. Preferably one who books their profits in a tax haven but makes their money in the U.K. We are going to need to modernise the SAS to make it fit for purpose for the bizarre mind palace the small man in 10 Downing Street lives in.”
For their part their French appear to have declined to comment on the leaked plans preferring instead to use their membership of the largest trading bloc on Earth to wield influence.
“SAS or SAD?” Mr Johnson is said to be asking anyone he can find inside 10 Downing Street, and will continue to do so until someone laughs just to make him shut up and go away.