CARING CONSERVATIVES : 10 Downing Street has responded today to criticism of its plan for social care and replaced the entire system with the Bubonic Plague.
The decision to replace the entire costly and inadequately staffed sector with a virulent disease is being seen as hailing a “return to basics” and “traditional old age policy”.
“You won’t have to worry about selling your home to pay for your care if you catch yersini pestis the moment you retire,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a stroke of genius. And your kids get to inherit your home instantly. This is a levelling up decision which means it doesn’t matter how much your home is worth, everyone with kids will see them inherit it the day they get their first pension cheque. Well, I say see, that’s not entirely accurate as you’ll be in a fever as part of a rapid deterioration in your health. But you get the gist.”
But critics of the plan have pointed out that simply knocking people off with a disease that takes you out within 48 hours will see the booming PPE sector “wither on the vine”.
“No. That is just more nonsense from the opposition. The need for plague doctor outfits will be continual. Anyone who’s ever bought a drink for a sitting, or former Tory MP, can be reassured of receiving a contract for those beak things plague doctors wear worth many millions.”
The plague will be developed locally too and will avoid the supply chain issues faced by many sectors of the UK economy because of some weird magic that occurred the moment Brexit got done.
“This is an Oven Ready Bubonic Plague and underlines exactly how much the Prime Minister cares about the hardworking men and women of this country.”