IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Everyone in the UK can calm down now and stop worrying over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s seasonal party plans in his endless pandemic with the announcement that he has appointed a Clandestine Christmas Party Planner.
The new position has already been filled by an anonymous figure who is said to have studied the work of Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander closely to ensure they remain “completely invisible and serve no useful function at all, so far as the public are concerned”.
There is said to be a generous pay and entitlements package associated with the job with a “peerage virtually guaranteed so long as no one finds out what party games the Johnsons play this Christmas”.
The need for the British Prime Minister to conceal his rampant hypocrisy is becoming more pressing now. Once or twice ministers have been called on their egregious horseshit in television interviews and there is a concern it maybe impacting on polling. No one should be worried that the concern is public health and safety because “all that profit reducing nonsense went out the door with Brexit”.
“Rules will be broken and you will not find out about it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Normally we break rules to show you that we have the power, but now a change in tack is called for.”
The first job of the party planner will be to conceal the arrival of mountains of champagne for the Christmas period at 10 Downing Street. After that they will have to arrange a secret ball, which may or may not see some senior police officers in attendance, along with some famous journalists.
“You’ll never know, so I wouldn’t worry about it,” the source adds. “By the way you have to stop talking about Johnson’s pandemic rule breaking 2020 Christmas parties because they’re now listed under the Official Secrets Act.”