Category: Donald Trump

Serial real-estate bankrupt, and 45th president of the United States Donald Trump Thursday issued a stern warning to the tiny Balkan republic of Montenegro, to reel in its plans for total global domination.

“We’ve had all kinds of problems with uppity negrans in America, there was one family in my house – we’re still cleaning the mess they left –  peaced everywhere. The last thing we want is more negran problems in Europe,” he warned.

“This is what happens when you have uncontrolled immigration, millions of negrans migrate to Europe and start their own countries,” he said.

“How did they get away with that – no one really knows, it’s kind of a mystery..” he explained, pointing out that moving north out of Africa had brought out their natural aggression.

“Montenegro is a tiny country with very strong people … They’re very aggressive people. They may get aggressive, and congratulations, you’re in world war three,” he cautioned explaining that you can tell the difference between Mountienegrans and or’nry negrans by the wide brimmed pointed hats and red tunics they wear.

“Like Canadians in disguise… lucky we built a wall and stopped them from crossing the border,” he smirked explaining that he had instructed his sons Donald Junior, Eric, Barron and Adolf never to go there.

“Blame…Canada…Africa…Montenegro…they’re the axis of evil, or at least that’s what my good friend Vladimir tells me to say” he warned darkly, apparently unaware that Montenegro is in Europe, its 630,000 population mostly speak Serbo-Croat and their 2,000 strong military would have trouble invading a house party.

The Editor Comments – if you think this attempt at satire is absurd, chew on this: One of these “quotes” is genuine. Trump really did warn that Montenegro could start WW3.

And, of course, promised that non of his sons, who all suffer from hereditary bone spurs, would be fighting in it..

LCD Views has heard exclusively from an alien, visiting the United States from a distant galaxy, today who wishes to explain to everyone,

”When I said take me to your leader, what I actually meant to say was DO NOT, under no circumstances, take me to meet that lying, treasonous, Cheeto faced shitgibbon.”

It seems the alien, who gives his name as E.T., decided to revisit the Earth to discuss a sequel to a famous documentary he filmed on Earth nearly forty years ago.

”I didn’t think the documentary showed aliens in an accurate light,” E.T. explains,

“all the time I spent discussing how the greys are secretly on Earth, and have been for a very long time, solely to conduct internal examinations of white men who live in rural areas of the USA, all that was completely cut out,

”I was pretty unimpressed when the television signals finally reached my home planet and I got a look at the movie. I decided I had to return and demand the full story gets told.”

And it seems E.T. assumed that the film maker in question would be running the States by now and so landed on the White House lawn.

”I don’t know if you’ve seen the tape of me stepping out of the spaceship this morning and saying take me to your leader?”

We have.

”Yeah, that was when I misspoke. I mean we’ve got some crazy looking critters out in deep space. Also some downright deranged life forms roaming about. But nothing compares to whatever that insane orange mass is that’s currently pretending to be human in the Oval Office.”

The election in November 2016 of four times bankrupt real estate tycoon Donald Trump as the 45th president of the United States has been exposed as little more than a clever TV stunt by controversial English comedian Sacha Baron Cohen.

Confronted outside the White House yesterday, out of costume and out of character, Cohen was quick to accept that the game was up.

“You got me, I is been exposed, I is not really da president,” he conceded, lapsing nervously into the pseudo Jamaican patois of his earlier creation Ali G.

Pressed on how he was able to perpetrate such a stunt, sailing through the Republican primaries without even his closest advisers realising he wasn’t really Trump, and was in fact a nice Cambridge educated Jewish boy from north London, Cohen was more expansive, albeit simultaneously lapsing into the pseudo Kazakh manglish perpetrated by his faux Kazakh Lothario character, Borat Sagdiyev.

“You think me president more ridiculous than failed builder with orange face and bad wig and wife look like number four prostitute in Kazakhstan? Was easy, piece of peasy,” he laughed.

“Mind you daughter, she more like number two..Mmmmmm good sexy time…” he added, explaining,  sotto voce and for once out of character, that spoofing the Republican Party and most of the US population had actually been embarrassingly easy.

“Vats up…it vos like the more ridiculous I made the character, the more they luffed him – I almost expected to find der whole country masturbating over me,” he minced Germanically, adopting the outrageously camp persona of his Austrian fashionista Bruno.

“Even Sarah Palin…. and zats no larzzing matter,” he winced.

Reverting again to his normal speech Cohen explained that adopting the persona of a deranged orange faced narcissist and playing the role all the way to the White House and through 18 months of cast changes and monumental screw ups had not been easy.

“Imagine if America really was a dictatorship, with rigged elections, where 1% of the of the people have all the nation’s wealth, where I cut taxes to make all my friends richer, ignored the needs of the poor for health care and education and got to torture all the foreign prisoners and migrants…” he spat, morphing seamlessly into the pseudo Middle eastern vernacular of bearded potentate Admiral General Aladeen.

” You could use the media to scare the people into supporting policies that are against their interests, and no one would complain, especially not Sloppy Steve Bannon,” he roared.

“Let’s face it, the surprise is not that no one noticed before, it’s that anyone has noticed at all….other than Vladimir Putin that is …” he winked.

Friends and colleagues of Piers Morgan we’re in a celebratory mood today after he announced his decision to take up permanent residence inside Donald Trump’s colon.

The decision came during the latest fawning television interview during which Morgan climbed deep inside Mr Drumpf, forcing his way upstream passed cement like blocks of constipation formed entirely of cheeseburgers and invested copies of Mein Kampf, and settled into a fold in the ageing totalitarian and alleged Russian stooge.

”It was relatively easy for Piers to climb in,” the lighting rig engineer told LCD Views, “he’s had so much practice. Mr Trump merely sat on him while Piers squatted and made a steeple over his head with his hands.”

Morgan is expected to stay and is trusting Donald Trump’s position as temporary US president will allow him to smuggle the useful British idiot back into America without a visa.

”He said he’s going to change his postal address,” the engineer added, “to something like No. 1 Anus Washington, with a second address listed as a Florida golf course.”

Friends of Mr Morgan have added that not only will Piers finally be living in his natural home, but it will also allow him special access to report on what is said when Trump attends his latest work performance review with his boss, Vladimir Putin.

”He’ll have the inside scoop on what is said,” the engineer added, “and given he is so easily impressed by autocratic men, and will abase himself, Vladimir is expected to be unconcerned when Trump crawls inside him to make Put-Trump-Morg-en. That’s similar to a Turkducken as both the weaker animals are boneless too, but it smells and tastes a lot worse.”

Donald Trump has blasted Brexit, blasted Sadiq Khan, and praised Boris Johnson. He had offended almost the whole country within hours of landing in the UK. Just another bigly successful day in the life. Now he has met Public Enemy Number One.

Mean Mr Marmite had dinner recently with the woman who, incredibly, is still masquerading as the Prime Minister. Theresa May, against what we assume are her better instincts, insists upon hauling the country, kicking and screaming, towards the exit door.

Even the least destructive Brexit will leave virtually all of us worse off. This, surely, qualifies her as an Enemy of The People.

But which People? We don’t mean her cabinet or parliament, or the vermin deliberately shafting the global economy to make a quick buck. We mean the poor deluded folk who want Brexit but have no idea why.

We include those who equally blindly voted Remain, and those who did not vote because they did not understand the issues. These People look to their leaders, the great and the good, for guidance. These People have been let down big time, and our alleged leader bears the responsibility.

Imagine the UK represented by a bath full of water. May has pulled the plug. She sits at the base of the vortex she created as the country goes down the drain. She is sinking rapidly yet still has her head above water. The sands of time are running away with the bathwater.

Half the country is desperately trying to stay afloat. The other half is enjoying the exhilarating ride to oblivion. Nobody in power is even contemplating replacing the plug. Meanwhile the gutter press is quick to blame the plug for our problems.

Can anything else stem the flow? Not the white paper, which contains more holes than a Swiss cheese. Not Trump, who, like his British counterpart Boris Johnson, simply stirs up controversy and muddies the water. 

It is clearly time to throw the big orange man-baby out with the bathwater.

POTUS Maximus Donald Trump is in the UK, but not for an official visit. Trump himself disclosed, via Twitter of course, that he has simply swapped places with Boris Johnson for a few days.

The statement from the Presidential Throne of State (a portable toilet made of pure gold) read thus:

“My good friend and soulmate Boris Johnson has not, as the Rigged Witch Hunt pretends, resigned. FAKE NEWS! He is in the White House. It’s a JOB EXCHANGE, folks! Boris makes a great POTUS, second only to Trump!”

The Orange Inflatable has promised to mimic Johnson’s style and work ethic. He will talk off-the-cuff nonsense and duck out of responsibility.

“I am doing foreign secretary stuff right now!” read another overexcited tweet. “Trump can make bigly US Trade Deals all by himself whatever the CROOKED DEMOCRATS and BITTER LEFTIES say!”

Theresa May, this week’s PM, welcomed the President. “Every Prime Minister needs a Trump,” she said, to a handpicked audience of lickspittles on a remote Scottish island in Scotland. “And every White House needs a Johnson. Donald brings the art of the deal – or no deal – to the table. This government welcomes his subtle and intelligent input.”

The potty POTUS agreed. “I believe that I am the best qualified person in the universe for this job! I am watching what is going on in Europe. It is sooooo simple to fix! Get out. Leave. Cut all ties It’s that simple. A yuge deal with the USA is happening soon. Great!”

LCD Views attempted to reach Boris Johnson by telephone. Expecting the relative calm of the Oval Office, in the background instead we heard what sounded suspiciously like a party involving champagne, lines of cocaine on naked rent boys, and a severed pig’s head. “Sorry, it’s a terrible line old boy,” came Johnson’s voice, and the line went dead.

Every Prime Minister needs a Trump, especially after stockpiling all those baked beans.

There has been controversy for some time surrounding Donald Trump’s imminent first UK visit since assuming office. However, his own latest announcement might be topping them all.

He has now officially announced that he is going to record an album of Beatles songs in time for his arrival on British soil.

“They call The Beatles the Fab Four,” he said when announcing it. “But how fab are they really? They’re not as fab as the Donald. So I see it as my duty to do their songs the way they should have been done in the first place. It’ll be great. You’ll love them.”

Meaning he’s going to change them a bit.

The tracklisting includes “I Want To Hold Your Pussy”, “You Love Me, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah” and “The Long And Winding Wall”.

The actual musical content has yet to be heard by the public, although rumour has it William Shatner is anticipating being let off the hook for his unique interpretation of “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” on the grounds that it will no longer be the worst Beatles cover in the known universe.

Interviewed in response to this, Paul McCartney told the assembled press:

“Normally I’m fairly OK with people covering our songs – I know people like to mythologise the whole Beatles catalogue, and yeah, there’s been a few dodgy covers, but there’s been some great ones too, and I’m all for that – The Beatles started out covering rock & roll songs after all. But the thought of this just makes my blood boil.”

Sir Paul will be donating any royalties he receives from this to Amnesty International to help them restore the children imprisoned by Trump to the bosom of their families. His fellow surviving Beatle Ringo Starr has pledged to do the same thing, as have Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison, the widows of their deceased bandmates.

But the most striking response came in the form of an earthquake. Immediately after Trump made his initial announcement, the ground shook very markedly. Seismologists have traced the origins of the quake to New York, an area not generally known for quakes, but indisputably the epicentre of this one. They were able to trace it more precisely than most, as it turned out that the origin of this quake was the Strawberry Fields Memorial in Central Park, the site where the ashes of John Lennon were scattered.

Copies of ‘A Hard Day’s Tweet’ will be in all good record shops tomorrow.

A leaked scan of Donald Trump’s brain has proven most enlightening in revealing how the most powerful man in America’s thought processes work.

Set on maximum magnification, the scan eventually revealed some small traces of brain, but more than that, every single cell in his brain was connected individually to his ego.

Exactly who leaked the scan has not been confirmed, although suspicions are rife among both his medical team and his White House colleagues.

Dr Nora Ollagist, noted brain expert, was available for comment:

“It’s unlike any human brain we’ve ever seen – which does support the claim made by some that he is in fact not human. For one thing it’s far too small, the image was pushed up to full magnification to get even that tiny dot. Moreover, in a normal human brain the ego is just a small part of it, whereas here it has a connection to every single brain cell, we checked and double-checked. This means that his every conscious or unconscious thought is channelled through his ego, meaning that he is incapable of saying or doing anything that is not entirely self-serving.”

Mr Trump himself had the following comment to make:

“This is fake news. Totally fake, the bigliest fake news you’ve ever seen. I have an anonymous – uh, anomalous – uh, really big brain. The biggest brain you’ll ever see. Really huge, you know? And besides, everything I do, say or think always makes the world a much better place. Much better. Better than Obama ever did, for sure.”

When challenged to produce medical evidence to back this up, Trump provided a child-like drawing of a head, labelled “the Donald’s bigly brain” in crayon.

The picture has been passed on to a team of medical experts. We will let you know their report when they finish laughing.

America’s last democratically elected president, Donald Trump, has signed an executive order tuning every television in America onto Donald Trump giving speeches twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.

”All the people love and support their president,” Amoral told LCD Views, during an interview conducted by Amoral hurling bags of moral decay and pieces of fascism at the world, and we being left to interpret, “even the illegal humans infesting our country. They love the president too.

“You never know how much you love your child till an ICE officer tricks you into handing them over, absconds with them, drugs them, cages them and then deliberately loses them interstate.

“People like being taught hard lessons in love by their ethnic superiors.”

The broadcasts will initially feature canned highlights of Big Brother’s greatest campaign trail hits, before moving on to talk about how well the trade wars are going.

”Once we have actual wars it will be even more reassuring,” Amoral said, “think of Trump as a cleaner, taking the human trash out and liquidating it.”

It is understood there will also be special documentaries on Space Force?

”That’s right! ISS is in space. Forty five is going to rid space of ISS with Space Force. The ratings are going to be awesome.”

But what if someone doesn’t want to watch a blathering, soon to be genocide maniac ranting at them twenty four seven?

”Oh, the executive order stipulates that cameras are to be fitted inside each television so we know who’s being naughty and who’s being nice.”

Is Trump drawing up a list?

”He is. And all the dissenters and libtard snowflakes are on it. Watch out for the adverts for Trump steaks too! Long pig, that’s Big Brother’s favourite.”

Tune in and stay tuned in, or else.

Critics of visionary American president Donald Trump have been told to remain civil and polite until he’s finished working through the genocide list one to ten. It’s almost like it’s his only to do list.

”There will be plenty of safe spaces after Uncle Donnie has finished his fourth term in office. Rocks. Caves. Ravines,,” a supporter of forty five told LCD Views, “now is not the time. If he can’t distract everyone from Mueller’s investigation and all the people it keeps arresting, then he may have to hit Plan B, escape to Russian space.”

The revelation that there is a plan b will come as a shock to many, naive people who seem to assume there isn’t even a plan a.

”Oh there’s a plan alright. Locking kiddies up and drugging them and forcibly separating them from their parents by moving the children all over the home of the free while deporting the parents back to whatever hellhole we profit off is all part of the plan to twist the conscience of enough Americans until it’s curdles so much they either switch off, or better still, embrace the agenda out of fear of being rounded up themselves.”

But what should libtard, snowflake, lefty Soros puppet mouth pieces do in the interim? You know how soft they get when a child worth less than a white child who had no option but to go on the path he or she has gone on are heard crying in cages?

”Talk politely on social media amongst themselves, but don’t be disrespectful. It’s not polite now. This is a democracy. Civil discourse will bring change. Your president is your father and this is your fatherland. It’s important to obey father. It’s your Christian duty.  We are Christians, don’t forget it or we’ll skullf*ck you to death while screaming out the relevant bible passages.”

I’m not sure many feel that is effective, although most are hoping Mueller will bring Trump down, and he may, just in time.

”Well, they could always join a flat earth society?”

Hmm…

”If Donald Trump manages to cling onto power, supported by a criminal and kleptocratic party, the whole world will probably end up very flat indeed in a few years. Nuclear holocaust is a guaranteed leveller.”