Category: Donald Trump

POTUS Maximus Donald Trump is in the UK, but not for an official visit. Trump himself disclosed, via Twitter of course, that he has simply swapped places with Boris Johnson for a few days.

The statement from the Presidential Throne of State (a portable toilet made of pure gold) read thus:

“My good friend and soulmate Boris Johnson has not, as the Rigged Witch Hunt pretends, resigned. FAKE NEWS! He is in the White House. It’s a JOB EXCHANGE, folks! Boris makes a great POTUS, second only to Trump!”

The Orange Inflatable has promised to mimic Johnson’s style and work ethic. He will talk off-the-cuff nonsense and duck out of responsibility.

“I am doing foreign secretary stuff right now!” read another overexcited tweet. “Trump can make bigly US Trade Deals all by himself whatever the CROOKED DEMOCRATS and BITTER LEFTIES say!”

Theresa May, this week’s PM, welcomed the President. “Every Prime Minister needs a Trump,” she said, to a handpicked audience of lickspittles on a remote Scottish island in Scotland. “And every White House needs a Johnson. Donald brings the art of the deal – or no deal – to the table. This government welcomes his subtle and intelligent input.”

The potty POTUS agreed. “I believe that I am the best qualified person in the universe for this job! I am watching what is going on in Europe. It is sooooo simple to fix! Get out. Leave. Cut all ties It’s that simple. A yuge deal with the USA is happening soon. Great!”

LCD Views attempted to reach Boris Johnson by telephone. Expecting the relative calm of the Oval Office, in the background instead we heard what sounded suspiciously like a party involving champagne, lines of cocaine on naked rent boys, and a severed pig’s head. “Sorry, it’s a terrible line old boy,” came Johnson’s voice, and the line went dead.

Every Prime Minister needs a Trump, especially after stockpiling all those baked beans.

There has been controversy for some time surrounding Donald Trump’s imminent first UK visit since assuming office. However, his own latest announcement might be topping them all.

He has now officially announced that he is going to record an album of Beatles songs in time for his arrival on British soil.

“They call The Beatles the Fab Four,” he said when announcing it. “But how fab are they really? They’re not as fab as the Donald. So I see it as my duty to do their songs the way they should have been done in the first place. It’ll be great. You’ll love them.”

Meaning he’s going to change them a bit.

The tracklisting includes “I Want To Hold Your Pussy”, “You Love Me, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah” and “The Long And Winding Wall”.

The actual musical content has yet to be heard by the public, although rumour has it William Shatner is anticipating being let off the hook for his unique interpretation of “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” on the grounds that it will no longer be the worst Beatles cover in the known universe.

Interviewed in response to this, Paul McCartney told the assembled press:

“Normally I’m fairly OK with people covering our songs – I know people like to mythologise the whole Beatles catalogue, and yeah, there’s been a few dodgy covers, but there’s been some great ones too, and I’m all for that – The Beatles started out covering rock & roll songs after all. But the thought of this just makes my blood boil.”

Sir Paul will be donating any royalties he receives from this to Amnesty International to help them restore the children imprisoned by Trump to the bosom of their families. His fellow surviving Beatle Ringo Starr has pledged to do the same thing, as have Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison, the widows of their deceased bandmates.

But the most striking response came in the form of an earthquake. Immediately after Trump made his initial announcement, the ground shook very markedly. Seismologists have traced the origins of the quake to New York, an area not generally known for quakes, but indisputably the epicentre of this one. They were able to trace it more precisely than most, as it turned out that the origin of this quake was the Strawberry Fields Memorial in Central Park, the site where the ashes of John Lennon were scattered.

Copies of ‘A Hard Day’s Tweet’ will be in all good record shops tomorrow.

A leaked scan of Donald Trump’s brain has proven most enlightening in revealing how the most powerful man in America’s thought processes work.

Set on maximum magnification, the scan eventually revealed some small traces of brain, but more than that, every single cell in his brain was connected individually to his ego.

Exactly who leaked the scan has not been confirmed, although suspicions are rife among both his medical team and his White House colleagues.

Dr Nora Ollagist, noted brain expert, was available for comment:

“It’s unlike any human brain we’ve ever seen – which does support the claim made by some that he is in fact not human. For one thing it’s far too small, the image was pushed up to full magnification to get even that tiny dot. Moreover, in a normal human brain the ego is just a small part of it, whereas here it has a connection to every single brain cell, we checked and double-checked. This means that his every conscious or unconscious thought is channelled through his ego, meaning that he is incapable of saying or doing anything that is not entirely self-serving.”

Mr Trump himself had the following comment to make:

“This is fake news. Totally fake, the bigliest fake news you’ve ever seen. I have an anonymous – uh, anomalous – uh, really big brain. The biggest brain you’ll ever see. Really huge, you know? And besides, everything I do, say or think always makes the world a much better place. Much better. Better than Obama ever did, for sure.”

When challenged to produce medical evidence to back this up, Trump provided a child-like drawing of a head, labelled “the Donald’s bigly brain” in crayon.

The picture has been passed on to a team of medical experts. We will let you know their report when they finish laughing.

America’s last democratically elected president, Donald Trump, has signed an executive order tuning every television in America onto Donald Trump giving speeches twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.

”All the people love and support their president,” Amoral told LCD Views, during an interview conducted by Amoral hurling bags of moral decay and pieces of fascism at the world, and we being left to interpret, “even the illegal humans infesting our country. They love the president too.

“You never know how much you love your child till an ICE officer tricks you into handing them over, absconds with them, drugs them, cages them and then deliberately loses them interstate.

“People like being taught hard lessons in love by their ethnic superiors.”

The broadcasts will initially feature canned highlights of Big Brother’s greatest campaign trail hits, before moving on to talk about how well the trade wars are going.

”Once we have actual wars it will be even more reassuring,” Amoral said, “think of Trump as a cleaner, taking the human trash out and liquidating it.”

It is understood there will also be special documentaries on Space Force?

”That’s right! ISS is in space. Forty five is going to rid space of ISS with Space Force. The ratings are going to be awesome.”

But what if someone doesn’t want to watch a blathering, soon to be genocide maniac ranting at them twenty four seven?

”Oh, the executive order stipulates that cameras are to be fitted inside each television so we know who’s being naughty and who’s being nice.”

Is Trump drawing up a list?

”He is. And all the dissenters and libtard snowflakes are on it. Watch out for the adverts for Trump steaks too! Long pig, that’s Big Brother’s favourite.”

Tune in and stay tuned in, or else.

Critics of visionary American president Donald Trump have been told to remain civil and polite until he’s finished working through the genocide list one to ten. It’s almost like it’s his only to do list.

”There will be plenty of safe spaces after Uncle Donnie has finished his fourth term in office. Rocks. Caves. Ravines,,” a supporter of forty five told LCD Views, “now is not the time. If he can’t distract everyone from Mueller’s investigation and all the people it keeps arresting, then he may have to hit Plan B, escape to Russian space.”

The revelation that there is a plan b will come as a shock to many, naive people who seem to assume there isn’t even a plan a.

”Oh there’s a plan alright. Locking kiddies up and drugging them and forcibly separating them from their parents by moving the children all over the home of the free while deporting the parents back to whatever hellhole we profit off is all part of the plan to twist the conscience of enough Americans until it’s curdles so much they either switch off, or better still, embrace the agenda out of fear of being rounded up themselves.”

But what should libtard, snowflake, lefty Soros puppet mouth pieces do in the interim? You know how soft they get when a child worth less than a white child who had no option but to go on the path he or she has gone on are heard crying in cages?

”Talk politely on social media amongst themselves, but don’t be disrespectful. It’s not polite now. This is a democracy. Civil discourse will bring change. Your president is your father and this is your fatherland. It’s important to obey father. It’s your Christian duty.  We are Christians, don’t forget it or we’ll skullf*ck you to death while screaming out the relevant bible passages.”

I’m not sure many feel that is effective, although most are hoping Mueller will bring Trump down, and he may, just in time.

”Well, they could always join a flat earth society?”

Hmm…

”If Donald Trump manages to cling onto power, supported by a criminal and kleptocratic party, the whole world will probably end up very flat indeed in a few years. Nuclear holocaust is a guaranteed leveller.”

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that US President Donald Trump will meet with Queen Elizabeth during his brief state visit to the UK next month but not with other members of the royal family who the palace confirmed will be “indisposed”.

A Palace spokesman declined to comment on rumours that second in line to the throne Prince William, his wife Princess Kate and their three small children Prince George (4), Princess Charlotte (3) and the new one, Prince Louis or something (two months) were being evacuated from the capital for the safety of the children.

“The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a long standing holiday arrangement,” he said confirming that they had originally planned to holiday in Scotland but had opted to go to Cornwall instead, for unspecified reasons and definitely not to avoid Trump who is also planning to visit his golfing resort in Aberdeenshire.

“They’ve been booked into a very nice air b n b farmhouse, complete with separate cages, I mean rooms, for each of the children,” he explained.

News of the Cambridges’ family holiday in the region of the UK furthest geographically from absolutely everywhere President Trump will visit, comes in the wake of widespread international criticism of the US government’s controversial new policy of separating the children of migrants from their parents and locking them in cages.

Long standing criticism of the British Royal family has long centred on the fact that they’re all descended from Dutch, Germans, Danes and Greeks most of whom arrived in the country as a result of dubious arranged marriages, and only adopted the surname Windsor during the first world war rather than risk unpopularity by continuing to use their real surname  Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.

A white house spokesman confirmed that president Trump had been made aware that he would be being kept well away from the Cambridges but that he wasn’t overly concerned.

“He’s got bigger fish to fry, thanks to his good friend Sir Chris blocking that law banning up-skirting and him taking delivery of a new Huawei P20 Pro,” he sniggered, pointing out that Queen Elizabeth may be 92 but she still rules.

“Let’s just say that it’s him that’ll be packing the sword, and he’s hoping she uses it to make him “a knight to remember,” he smirked.

Emperor Trumpetine has just announced his latest plan, to develop a new arm of his country’s military, a Space Force.

Speaking at a press conference, he stated that having not only a presence but dominance in space was “very important”.

The question was asked who this space force would be fighting against. Trumpetine replied straight away:

“Jedi. Evil Jedi. Bad guys who use mind control to get what they want. We can’t let these people continue. Obi-Wan Mueller is massing an army of Jedi to march against our glorious nation and take control of our minds. We can’t let that happen. We need a space force to stop him. Now. Very important we do that immedi-, uh, immedicin-, uh, right away.”

One reporter asked about the Cardassians’ occupation of neighbouring Bajor, Trumpetine replied:

“I know all about the Cardassians’ activities. I have spoken with their leader, Kim Cardassian, who tells me that their presence on Bajor is not oppressi-, uh, opposi-, uh, bad in any way. They just need a few things from that world and they’ve asked the Bajorans to provide them.”

Which doesn’t explain the concentration camps that Bajoran civilians are being sent to.

“There are no such places,” Trumpetine replied, firmly. “I don’t care what you have heard, what you have read, I have spoken to Kim, who has checked with their man on the spot, Gul Dukat, who assures him that his people are not causing any suffering to the Bajorans. Very good people, the Cardassians. They would never do such a thing. Any claims that they do can only come from Bajoran terrorist groups.”

Trump then held up a piece of paper. “This is a treaty I have signed with the Cardassians, promising the United States Space Regime will be there to put a stop to all terrorism in space.”

On hearing the name he had given to his space force, I could only wonder who had actually let it pass with those initials, but there were more important issues.

Trumpetine went on:

“The Bajorans are terrorists. The Jedi are terrorists, and there’s only one way to deal with all terrorists, exterminate them. Exterminate, exterminate, exterminate!”

As he left amid cheers from his own supporters, I rather suspected he stood in need of the services of a Doctor.

US supreme leader and president for life, Donald Trump President stormed out of the G7 heads of state meeting Saturday following news reports that the “Free Tommy Robinson” demonstration in London was better attended than his inauguration ceremony last year.

Informed of the reports by his trade secretary Peter Navarro, President Trump furiously rounded on Canadian president Justin Trudeau, accusing him of sending several divisions of Royal Canadian Mounted Police to London to boost numbers and make him look small time.

Turning to the other heads of state present Trump announced that in response he was doubling his recently announced tariffs on US imports of Canadian lumberjack shirts.

“These people are lumberjacks, and it is most definitely NOT OK,” he snarled, before refusing to endorse the joint communiqué he had signed only minutes before and swallowing the red Crayola crayon he had used to sign it with.

Efforts by German chancellor Angela Merkel to make him sick up the crayon, went unheeded and Trump was able to depart to his long awaited summit meeting with his new besty, Kim Jong Un, wearing a disturbingly crimson smirk.

Speaking to reporters after Trump’s televised flounce, Navarro confirmed that President Trump would most definitely be holding a lifelong grudge against both Trudeau, and also UK prime minister Theresa may for allowing such an enormous demonstration to go ahead without his permission.

“There is a special place in hell for da both of them…I mean, who da fuck is dis “Tommy Robinson” dude – does he own a  golf course? Did he win a US presidential election with the highest majoritiest of majorities ever? Has he got that Korean dude’s mobile number? What da fuck did Treeza think she was doing, dis here is a SPECIAL relationship, ya dig?  ” he queried.

Asked by reporters how he had got the idea that a violent demonstration in London by a couple of thousand red faced drunks and closet Nazis could be bigger than Trump’s own inauguration, Navarro was momentarily nonplussed.

“Whaddaya mean how did I get the idea? It was all over Fox news and Breibart, don’t you clowns follow the news,” he sneered before replacing his red nose, planting his crownless white bowler on his flamboyantly bald pate and plodding off towards Airforce One in his oversized red boots, tooting randomly on an antique car horn.

The thoughts of the American president are always something to be remembered for posterity, and it’s nice to have handwritten examples of them to live on after their deaths. However, there has been a glitch in the recent efforts to enshrine the thoughts – if that is the right word – of the current holder of that office.

Quite simply, he ate the ceremonial crayons.

Archivist Will Fileham had this to say on the matter:

“It’s strange to be using crayon in the first place, usually presidents like to use ink, indeed most of them like the olde worlde feel of a special fountain pen, or sometimes even a quill pen, although they can be tricky to get the hang of.

I remember Bill Clinton chose to use a quill, but kept using the feather bit to tickle an intern.

But with Donald Trump, he said absolutely no way, he wanted his thoughts enshrined in bright colours, so we offered to provide some specially made crayons for the purpose. He absolutely loved that idea, but then when we brought the special crayons, he mistook them for candy and ate them.”

The crayons took several weeks to make just right, using bees’ wax instead of the usual paraffin wax, and Trump ate them up in a matter of minutes.

“Not my fault,” Trump tweeted on the matter. “They should have said they weren’t candy. What kind of loser makes something look like candy and then not say it isn’t?”

Needless to say the crayons just looked in reality like normal crayons, albeit a little bit fancier. And nothing like sweets. Not that that stopped Trump.

“We now need to make them all over again,” Mr Fileham said. “That’s going to take more weeks. Oh well, on the plus side, it gives him more time to come up with some thoughts to write down.”

We can wait. We shall not, however, be holding our breath.

Disgraced actress Roseanne Barr is actually playing a very clever game. With Melania Trump AWOL, moves are afoot to install Roseanne as the new First Lady.

“The row about a supposedly racist tweet conceals Roseanne’s true motives,” claimed insider Lou Stung. “The timing is perfect. With Donald’s approval ratings tanking, he needed a distraction.”

What has that got to do with Roseanne?

“Donald is married to an immigrant,” explained Stung. “It doesn’t look good. Why do you think Melania went ‘missing’? She’s a thorn in his ideology. Donald needed a true, patriotic, all-American redneck girl, who likes burgers, at his side.”

Why was Roseanne so interested?

“You mean, apart from the burgers?” retorted Stung. “The salary is far better than what her own show can afford. After all, it’s just another acting job. The dodgy tweet was simply part of her initiative test. She passed with flying colours!”

The White House was quick to deny the allegation. “Melania is alive, well and tweeting,” gobsworth Di Versionary-Tactix told LCD’s Trump Trumpet correspondent. “She’s up at her window, waving, look! And here’s her latest tweet.”

Tearing our view away from the empty window, we read: “Hi! Melanie here! I see the FAKE NEWS MEDIA have been spreading rumors again. Melanie is not dead. It’s a LIE! And anyone who says it’s not a LIE is a traitor. Sad!”

Who could fail to be convinced?

“Oh, that’s just Donald playing games,” countered Stung. “A great, bigly big wedding is due to take place on the fourth of July. It will be beamed live to every outlet of Donald’s favourite burger restaurant.”

McDonald’s?

“No thanks,” said Stung, screwing her nose up. “They give me the squitters!”

American flags and MAGA hats are currently selling like hot McCakes, in anticipation of the most bigly supersize wedding of all time. Put on your trackies, and settle down with a Big Mac and fries to cheer them on.

And as they walk through the golden arches, give them a small… I mean, a big hand. Raise your McFlurries to toast Mr and Mrs Roseanne Barr!