Category: Donald Trump

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, DONALD TRUMP, has responded to criticism after he posted an image of Jesus depicted in the likeness of himself on his personal social media channel, Truth Social.

The image caused outrage after supporters of Mr Trump noticed that he had neither long hair nor a beard.

“Jesus has a beard. End of story,” Magahat3506 posted on social media, “if he doesn’t have a beard then he’s woke.”

Mr Trump initially tried to defend the image, claiming that Jesus would have updated his appearance for 2026, alongside ditching the whole New LOSER Testament. When that failed to satisfy his base, he then said that Jesus would definitely look like himself if he used AI to produce an image of himself as the President of the USA.

Initial fake news media reports did claim that Mr Trump had used the excuse that he believed he was depicted Jesus as a doctor, but eventually he decided to get back on the offense, where he’s best, being offensive, and posted an updated image of himself as Satan.

“This is not the end of the story,” a Washington insider commented, after the image was widely shared instantly, including in Hell. “I have it on good authority that the Devil is furious at Mr Trump for appropriating his image. He’s even considering downgrading the room he’s prepared for Mr Trump when he arrives.”

It’s not yet clear how Mr Trump will respond to the news that Satan is also now upset with him, but it’s felt he’s likely to try and do a deal with the Devil.

“I would advise against that,” the insider said, “he’s already done a deal with the Devil to get to the White House. It’s unwise to attempt to double deal with his sworn master before he’s fully delivered.”

Which given his progress in his second term in office, he’s been delivering on 1000%.

MY VERY GREAT FRIEND, I DON’T KNOW HIM AT ALL, A VERY BAD MAN INDEED: The alleged President of the USA has slagged off Keir Starmer. As do we all. But the Churchill reference invites a similar transatlantic comparison.

Trump, if he had a brain, or advisors with a witty turn of phrase, might have made more of this quip. “They have replaced Churchill with a poodle, and not just on the banknotes” is a great line that the Americans completely missed.

Unfortunately, just like Starmer, President Trump is a far cry from his illustrious predecessors. Pot, kettle. Even the rightfully maligned fool George Dubya Bush looks statesmanlike by comparison.

It takes one to know one, and it’s just possible that Trump has inadvertently reversed into a truth. He is no Dubya though, and he is struggling to maintain the illusion of being in control. Maybe with the actual truth hot on his tail, he is running as fast as he can to provide further distractions.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a President in possession of poor fortune must be in want of a war.

Except that this apparent misfortune is all of his own doing. He could have held office and done little beyond wearing a silly hat and shouting “MAGA! MAGA!” at every opportunity. He would have gone down in history as, if not a great President, then at least as no worse than Dubya. Instead, he decided to make stupid laws and bomb people. And here we are.

This is possibly Starmer’s Churchill moment. He could rise up, bringing the country with him, and stand alone against the fascist might in the west. We can dream that, once again, England will be a bulwark against the enemy.

And the fictional EU army can roll into town at the last minute to save the day.

DUMBEST IN HERD LEADING : EXCITING NEWS TODAY for peaceniks the world over with the announcement that 79 year old spoiled brat and US President, Donald Trump, is getting bored of the war he started with Iran.

“It’s hard to keep his attention for long,” Mr Trump’s nanny told LCD Views, “he’s so energetic but so easily distracted. I have to shake a gold plated rattle over his head every time I need to change him or he just squirms and wriggles away leaving a ghastly trail of destruction behind him. He’s like a slug in human form, but instead of a slime trail he leaves faeces and death wherever he goes. He’s so charming. Aren’t you Donnie, Donnie, Donnie…NO STOP DONNIE! DONNIE. NO. JUST BECAUSE. Oh Lord Above! You’ve blown up another school!”

How soon the USA President grows frustrated and bored with blowing up Iran is seen as a key indicator of how long the conflict will continue, at least with active US engagement.

“You know those spoiled little kids who try and pretend to be generous by giving some other child a sweet they secretly dislike?”

Yes. We’ve all met them.

“They’ve worked out if they pretend to want to share everyone will praise them? Mostly out of relief that they aren’t having another public meltdown? That’s our Donnie. He’s trying to give the war he started in Iran, to allegedly distract from the Epstein Files, his failure to stop the war in Ukraine and the damage he’s doing to the American economy and global influence, to the Iranian Kurds right now so he can go off and do something else. Like have a hamburger and scream at the TV.”

Handing over Middle Eastern wars to the Kurds is one of the favourite past times of US Presidents and no one is really surprised Mr Trump is attempting it too.

“I blame the Iranian people really,” Mr Trump’s nanny told LCD Views, “if they had just been bothered to be slaughtered in even greater numbers while unarmed a few months ago, Mr Trump would not have had to start this war to begin with weeks too late. And anyway, we all know it was Biden’s fault for stealing the 2020 election.”

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND PANIC INSTEAD : Everybody’s favourite peacemaker, Donald Trump, is said to be fretting in a bunker (golf bunker) today after realising his latest war against Iran maybe his last.

“He’s said to be sheltering in place,” a Whitehouse insider told LCD Views, “he doesn’t know who he can bomb next? He’s worried he’s running out of time and as an old man in a hurry that’s a terrifying thought.”

President Trump has come out swinging since being returned to The Oval Office on a platform of peacemaking, economic growth and being horrific to anyone that wasn’t in a frat house with his senior leadership.

“He’s grabbed the world by the genitals and he’s incredibly pleased about the lack of consent involved,” the insider continued, “just in his flow state right now and probably one of the happiest men on earth. Just the biggest numbers. But if he can’t bomb another country soon he’ll get knocked off course and what would people think of him then? That’s he’s gone soft. He needs to keep up the big dick energy, which isn’t easy when you consider what Stormy said about him.”

Suggestions he could go after North Korea next have been dismissed as unfeasible because “it’s a totalitarian state” and you don’t go about “dropping even little bombs on your heroes.”

“I suspect we’ll get into a huddle and work it out. There will be another oil rich country that needs to be bombed back into the stone age to align with President Trump’s soul. Potentially another which also has a server holding the unredacted Epstein Files. So they’ll need to be eliminated as a threat to America also. You can’t access the internet if you don’t have no internet left.”

We did ask FIFA for comment about the warmongering of their first Peace Prize winner but they declined to comment, being too busy lining up immigration lawyers to haul most of the world’s football players out of ICE facilities in the upcoming tournament.

TERMINAL VELOCITY : The USA’s GREATEST SERVING PRESIDENT, Donald Trump, has today announced the rechristening of North America’s largest waterfall.

It seems the President was considering lower school geography books looking for new places to build additional Trump towers, when he happened to notice Niagara Falls. Which sounds distinctly foreign.

”For too long foreigners have been naming our GREATEST WATER FEATURES!” the President took to the ironically named Truth Social to declare, “this stops TODAY! SLEEPY JOE BIDEN did NOT STOP NICARAGUANS FROM CROSSING OUR BOREEDERS ILLEGALLY and naming our rivers. I HAVE PUT AN END TO THIS TODAY. Niagara Falls is now called AMERICA FALLS!!!”

But just renaming the iconic water feature is not enough. Mr Trump is determined it will also now only carry “110% AMERCIAN H2O!”

”OUr wonderful Homeland Sexurity officers are hereby instructed to seize all foreign water falling onto the USA with the aim of polluting our rivers. Only American water will be allowed to fall off America Falls! THIS IS FINAL.”

In addition to the “purification” of the water it is understood Mr Trump is using crayons to draw up a plan to stop the water leaving the USA.

”The province of Canada must immediately give BACK TO THE USA all of Lake Erie and stop its toilets POURING maple syrup into OUR GREATEST LAKE.”

Which will tomorrow also be renamed, as Lake America, just so everything is clear.

51st STATE OF THE NATION: Donald Trump has reluctantly conceded losing the Canadian election. With his characteristic bigly good grace, he dubbed them ‘woke liberal communist losers’.

“Canada are losers!” he announced at an impromptu news conference. Independent observers noted how his podium resembled the bar at one of his MAGA-Lago golf courses. “We will build the wall that I tore down yesterday, all my troubles are so far away, so far away, like Canada, now there will be tariffs, the greatest tariffs, the bestest bigly tariffs, 5 million percent on maple syrup, tariffs that Biden was too weak to even think of. Pancakes, which I invented, not many people know that, yet the wokies want to ban them, woke infecting the world, which was round, remember, until I told them better, the woke mind virus infecting the universities and the schools and the schools of fish. The Dart of the Eel. Remember the fish, that’s important, thanks for all the fish, BAN SHARKS NOW!”

The sun shone brightly upon the golf course, as Trump’s loyal squadron of caddies scoured the course for all the golf balls that Trump had lost, and which they had replaced in suspiciously advantageous positions. Their tans resembled that of their great leader, the hours of exposure to the elements giving them a healthy glow. Only their tans didn’t glow in the dark. Even to handle one of the President’s balls was a capital offence in the kingdom of The Donald. Offenders were incarcerated instantly, unless they were unlucky and had to listen to one of the President’s speeches first.

Canada may have won the battle, but they lost at golf since Trump named his opponent Canada while cheating to victory.

And Canada has vowed to rebuild the wall that never was, to keep out fleeing Americans.

THE TOECUTTER : The last President of the United States of America and a man who can’t even run a casino profitably, Donald Trump, has given a press conference today in defence of his victim blaming policy on the war in Ukraine.

“Zelenskyy’s dress is too short,” Mr Trump told a handpicked selection of press, while some tech billionaire gurned in the background, “and he shouldn’t be walking alone at night anyway. It’s not the fault of the attacker. He was provoked into it by Mr Zelenskyy’s hem line.”

The press conference was held in the expectation of deflecting from Mr Trump’s apparent strategy to allow Russia to win its war of genocide and aggression.

“Look, I want the noble piece prize and I don’t care how many Ukrainians have to die avoidably before I get it. It’s mine! IT’S MINE! MINE! MINE!” Mr Trump clarified, and did a very good impression of Violet Beauregarde while he was at it. Although Violent Disregard maybe a more apt handle in the present.

But while the decision to address criticism directly certainly shows Mr Trump has the volume of bile needed to destroy the world, there remain one or two questions over why everything he does seems to benefit Mr Putin. Even, heaven forbid, the suggestion that Donald Trump is a Russian asset?

To those Mr Trump simply shrugged, gave his biggest and most inane grin and replied, “I’m just following orders.”

BRIGHTER THAN A BABOON’S BACKSIDE : GREAT NEWS today for people wondering why interim President of the United States, Donald Trump, is so keen on exploiting the desperate struggle for survival of Ukraine for personal gain.

For days now the entirety of the Western liberal order has puzzled over why President Trump has seemingly switched sides and now backs Russia in its genocidal invasion of its neighbour.

“It’s minerals,” our geological analyst reports, “Ukraine is heaving with Orangetanium. A rare earth metal that is the ingredient in the bronzer Mr Trump uses to keep his trademark orange glow. The other component of the product is pig fat.”

But while the discovery of the Orangetanium mineral deposits explains Mr Trump’s desire to cut a deal where Ukraine gives him everything he wants, Russia everything its President for Life wants, and nothing in exchange for Ukraine, people are still left wondering how a sitting US President could betray his allies.

“Orangetanium is toxic in high doses,” our expert explains, “if used over a long period it can lead to all sorts of mental behaviour. Things like sexual assault, inability to even run a casino, illiteracy, temper tantrums befitting a spoiled three year old brat and an addiction to self-grandiosity devoid of evidence.”

While the downside of an addiction to Orangetanium is self-evident, it does have some benefits for heavy users.

“It forms a sort of force field on the user’s face. Strong enough to deflect any semblance of self-awareness. Really any quality that makes someone human in the best sense. Extended exposure will lead to fascism and an unstoppable return to an early childlike state wherein the addict hears his father bullying him repeatedly and mimics that in his daily behaviour. Oh, and did I mention an inability to even run a casino? Yeah. Not advisable to allow someone like that to run your economy.”

A FIREHOSE OF SHIT BY ANY OTHER NAME : KING DONALD, First of His name, King of America’s Golf Courses, Prior Owner of Trump Steaks, Chancellor of Trump University, Non-Consensual Grabber of Pussies and Mocker of the Disabled, Curiously Wealthy for A Serial Bankrupt, Owner of a Gold Toilet and Allegedly Democratically Elected President of The USA is currently living his best life.

While most of his statements are ridiculed rapidly by proven reality, his latest outburst has been confirmed as valid.

The bizarre, and entirely unprecedented event has been labelled as “a once in a lifetime” event and less probable than a one hundred year storm.

”He is not incorrect,” our team of fact checkers confirm, “when Donald Trump claimed he got more votes than America’s last monarch, King George III, he was right. In electoral terms Georgie III was a total loser.”

The observation is believed to underlie King Trump’s proclamation of himself yesterday as King Trump.

”To be fair to him few monarchs have arrived on their thrones simply by undoing some regulation intended to lower air pollution and premature deaths,” our team observed. “Most seized the throne by acts of violence. Of course King Trump tried that a few years ago and failed. So he took a surprisingly successful path back to power by standing for office again. Clearly massive social media manipulation by a wealthy donor may have had a little to do with it.”

Now that he is King speculation will clearly turn to who will inherit his throne.

”Best guess? A Russian. If Trump is allowed the negotiate it. He’ll start off by claiming he’s going to ask for Russian help securing rare earth metals and leave after signing over ownership of the United States. Because, never forget, he’s a very stable genius.”*

*King Donald’s claim to be a very stable genius rubbished by independent fact checkers.