Category: Brexit

The organisers of the highly anticipated ‘Labour Live’ (Jezzfest) event on the weekend have announced a plan to send traditional blue passports out with ticket to boost last minute sales.

”Jizzfest is the most anticipated event this year, mashing up politics with traditional Labour values of not actively trying to stop a bonfire of workers’ rights,” PR specialist for the event, Mr Movement of PR specialists ‘Abstention and Dithering’, told us.

The move to offer blue passports is not going unnoticed though.

”This Jazzfest Park Party is a blatant steal from our highly successful playbook,” Tory MP, Mr Dentures, commented, “we started this leave the single market and tear up everyone’s rights agenda, and pandering to a certain demographic’s neurotic terror of non-white chaps is blatantly a traditional Conservative value. Labour should get their own fears to pander to. Mass youth unemployment following Brexit is up for grabs.”

But Mr Movement wasn’t impressed.

”We share the values of Brexit with the Conservatives. And we’re the party of opposition. Opposing deeply damaging political agendas of the governing party is not the job of the official opposition.

Our job is to pretend to be doing things while the Tories destroy the country.

Then we become the phoenix, albeit a nationalised and centrally controlled phoenix.

I will say though we’ll be keeping the definition of employed. There won’t be many jobs post Tory Brexit, so just breathing will be classed as employed. At least until the central committee assigns you to a factory making state designed leaflets explaining how great life now is.”

The representative went on to explain that anyone not buying a ticket to Jizzfest will have their name recorded in a book under the crime ‘Undermining the leader’. Action will be taken in due course.

But do the Tories have any plan to copy Labour’s playbook and hold their own party in the park as the country crumbles?

”Yes. But it will be a small party held on a beach on an island tax haven. And it will be catered, mostly with the flesh and fat of the United Kingdom.”

Dublin’s automotive manufacturing sector was reporting the beginning of a boom today as English workers began establishing subsidiary jobs in Ireland.

”There’s been a trickle of English car sector workers setting up subsidiary jobs since the overwhelming majority of voters in the United Kingdom delivered an unassailable advisory mandate to destroy all life in the United Kingdom,” our Dublin correspondent said,

“and as the Brexit negotiations are nearing a triumphant conclusion, English people are taking advantage of the new, exciting possibilities opened up for them by hard right, and hard left, politicians in England. Added of course by hundreds of moderates who are only too willing to support the decision to erase the economy.”

It seems pressure is now piling on workers at Jaguar Landrover, Rolls Royce, Nissan and others who haven’t acted yet to get that second job established, before Dublin runs out of space.

”It’s quite amazing when you consider before the referendum how many doom merchants said Brexit would cut a devastating swathe through entire sectors of British manufacturing. But here we are, much like hedge fund managers, auto workers are finding they’re ending up with more jobs thanks to Brexit, not less. It’s also a boom to the aviation sector as the car workers of England will need to fly in and out of Dublin to manage their second jobs.”

We sought comment for this exciting change from an English politician who hitherto has had a reputation for being a bit of a remoaner.

“It just shows the sensible, pragmatic approach of the British people,” Jacob Rees-mogg told us, “faced with the opportunity to hedge against only having so many hours in the day to work their existing English jobs, they’re setting up subsidiary jobs in Dublin. It all makes perfect sense.”

And what about your investment business? Are you following the lead of the car sector workers, who in their thousands are now experiencing the thrill of Brexit’s many, exciting possibilities?

“Oh no, I’m far too patriotic for that,” he said, “call me old fashioned, but I like to keep the majority of my fund’s money in sanctioned Russian banks.”

David Davis MP, leader of the United Kingdom’s Brexit negotiating team, stood up today in protest and led the UK team in a walk out protest out of negotiations and straight into a cupboard.

“He thought it was the door to the corridor that led to the in-house bar,” Mrs Oh-No, member of the team told us, “and he was planning to buy everyone in our team some tequila shots to celebrate stuffing Barnier. You should have seen the look on the unelected, eurocrats faces when Davis seized his chance during some endlessly, mind numbing chat about contingency planning relating to the UK’s food supplies and Dover should a hard Brexit occur!”

It seems tensions have been building for some weeks, during the largely amiable negotiations, because Mr Barnier and his team insist on talking about facts, rules, legal mumbo jumbo in a way that is just boring Mr Davis to tears.

“Mr Davis has become increasingly frustrated at Mr Barnier’s refusal to horse trade in the time honoured way. How is anything supposed to get done with such inflexibility on the European side? Rules are made to be broken. It’s a good thing we’re leaving. We can have no rules once we’re out.”

It’s believed the actual preparation on the European side is also a cause of contention.

“We turn up with empty hands,” Mrs Oh-No revealed, “it’s so we can keep them open in a posture of friendship. Or, of course, shake our fists to emphasis our displeasure at the EU’s wilful destruction of our industrial base by its pursuit of this bullying, hard Brexit policy.”

But how do the EU turn up?

“Oh my God. With these telephone book size documents. They are just a bunch of swats. Really nerdy. They’ll never get on out in the real world.”

At the time of publishing Mr Davis was apparently still inside the cupboard and was now insisting it contained a magical portal that once triggered would open the way to the UK getting everything it wanted from negotiations and being free to trade with the world once more.

LCD Views can reveal mass outbreaks of relief across these patriotic blue islands today as news filtered through that the last millionaire Brexiter had secured burgundy passports for himself and his children.

“It’s just wonderful,” Ms Stukathom told us, while we lined up to bulk buy beans for the impending Brexit, “my children have been asking me over and over lately, mummy, what if those poor disaster capitalists that have engineered the calamity get stuck at home? Unable to flee to a nearby European country with sufficient food? And what about the Lexit kings? Will they be okay? Warm in their bellies knowing that the food riots are just eggs breaking to make the omelette of their decades long fevered dream?”

It seems Ms Stukathom can reassure her anxious young that it will be okay, none of the people who have lied through their teeth to damn an entire country for their short term profit, their ideological wet dream, and the furthering of a certain kleptomaniac’s international, statecraft agenda, need worry. They and their families will be okay.

“Do you think this supermarket will be ground zero on the day?” she asked us next, “I mean, once people realise that with only a few days worth of food in the country, and Dover a parking lot for the foreseeable future, it’s going to be a riot doing the grocery shopping.”

We think she is quite right to raise the issue.

As a responsible international, solely print media, tabloid style, truth owning publication of long standing renown going back months now, we would like to advise anyone still reading to do one thing and one thing only in preparation for Brexit.

Firstly, don’t worry about the millionaires that cheated to get you into this situation. Don’t worry about the leaders of the major political parties jamming the United Kingdom into calamity for their own personal ambition. They will all be alright.

But secondly (okay, two things), START BULK BUYING TINNED FOOD AND CANDLES NOW! Learn to set a snare. Learn to light a fire with sticks. Do it today.

And remember, if you only have a blue passport in the future, and richer and/or better connected people still have burgundy ones, you’ll be able to trade your pets in at the many makeshift government border crossings in order to get through and claim political asylum in the EU27 country of your choice. Assuming you haven’t already eaten your pets.

Those nights guarding the fully controlled borders of mighty England are going to be as long and at times as cold as Norther Korean ones. The guards will appreciate a warm meal as they clutch their blue passports tight and watch you scurry into a boat and away from Dover. Or any of the many other hundreds of ports of your choice.

Champagne producers were expressing surprise today after learning champagne is allegedly sold in Wetherspoons.

”I’ll have to check with my sales team,” Mr Moët told us, “Wetherspoons is not exactly known as a place to go if you want to drink champagne? From what I understand you go to Wetherspoons to learn about geopolitical issues from beer mats while drowning your sorrows about your personal life?”

Other producers were similarly surprised.

”This is a slander,” Mrs Bollie said, “if we’re helping that puffed up bullfrog  make money with our product I’ll be putting an end to it immediately, even before the hard Brexit he keeps calling for ruins that tub thumping idiot’s business model.”

But Mr Martin, boss of the Witheringspoon chain was adamant he’d stuff them first.

”We return it all once it hits sell by date anyway,” he said in the sort of droning monotone that neatly expresses his inner hollow, “people keep saying just because I get most of my staff from the EU, that only membership of the customs union and single market actually makes my cut price cat’s piss business model viable don’t know how self defeating I’m prepared to be on Brexit.”

Thats an interesting point. Why is that? Some suspect the drop in the pound is really hurting you and further devaluation could see you stuffed?

”Just read my beer mats. I make them myself while screaming into a void.”

So how will you respond to the champagne makers surprise they even do business with you? Apparently it’s not because they don’t think anyone drinking in your place wouldn’t drink champagne, it’s more who in hell would choose to drink it with you?

”By limiting the range of product I offer to only Kent sparkling in wines, regardless of how much there is in supply. Oh and by reminding everyone in the EU that they need my pub chain more than it needs them.”

You just thought you could baffle your customers with bullshit and bully your way with the EU, didn’t you?

”Wait until after Brexit. My political chums will have ways to deal with traitors like you. You’ll be finding yourself on a beer mat with wanted on top.”

If the mat is as accurate as the fact free crap you always produce, I fancy I’ll be pretty safe. Good luck with Brexit. I’m sure you’re really only motivated to try and free yourself from a bunch of red tape that stops you looking after your staff the way you want to.

A disgruntled former Number Ten staffer has revealed the ‘missing link’ between London and Moscow. Not only the existence of a secret tunnel beneath Europe, but also that its unofficial name is “Putin’s Passage”.

The true name of the tunnel is the Trans-Continental Expressway. It was apparently built in great haste by Carillion after David Cameron surprisingly won the 2010 election. It means that personnel, documents and money can be transferred without detection between the two global giants seeking to destroy the EU.

It is also alleged that Arron Banks has often used it when going to visit his Russian in-laws. The fact that he could kill two birds with one stone and act as a go-between is entirely coincidental.

This means that Russia is undermining Europe quite literally as well as metaphorically.

None of the mainstream media wanted to run the story, because Brexit is boring, innit, and besides there’s a football tournament starting up soon. So whistleblower Anne Othergrass spoke to LCD Views instead.

“I felt a duty to speak out,” said Othergrass. “A hell of a lot of public money was diverted away from the NHS to pay for the tunnel and bonuses for Carillion’s directors.”

Didn’t the Russians contribute?

“They set up all the sub-contractors,” she replied. “Shedloads of roubles passed through Carillion and these other companies, and paid massive dividends to the Russian government.”

So how come Carillion collapsed?

“Oh, that was to avoid scrutiny!” she said. “And also to duck out of any obligation to provide public infrastructure in the UK.”

The tunnel’s nickname arose, Othergrass confirmed, because of the sheer amount of shit the Russians dumped on the UK government. “Take the shit or the money stops flowing,” was the threat.

So Brexit proceeds, driven by the Spirit of Empire Past in the west, and funded by the Spirit of Empire Yet To Come in the east. Stuck in the middle with EU.

And now we know exactly how far Brexiters are up Putin’s Arse.

Members and other slang terms for willies of the House of Commons have announced the intention to fabricate more truths in order to make up for the manufacturing slump in the United Kingdom.

Under the ambitious scheme, which is likely to be a cross party initiative, MPs will use a variety of imaginative tools in order to put the slowdown down to anything other than Brexit.

“It’s thinking outside of the box time,” Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP for not understanding how international trade works in the 21st Century, told us, “and putting your head deep inside your bottom time.”

Buckets of sand will also be available for less flexible members, although there is a health and safety concern relating to how long they will need to keep their heads in a place where breathing is difficult.

“It’s just the natural cycle of business,” JRM went on, “there’s always these little fluctuations up and down. It’s really nothing to worry about. Everything will sort itself out in a decade or three.”

And while it is obvious that the devaluation in sterling will certainly be capitalised on by the country’s manufacturers sooner, or later, or really later, sometime after Brexit and parity with the USD, no one is to worry about anything at all.

“The most recent slump is down to all that snow we had in May,” JRM added, by way of providing clarity, “which is highly unusual, especially as it fell only at night and outside the entrances to the manufacturing plants.”

Just to be sure everyone is aware too, it’s,

“Nothing to do with Brexit. Completely unrelated. Brexit is already making the country a richer place in so many ways. Especially me. Which is only fair, as I’m a man of the people. Now, would you mind subsidising refurbishment of my ancient mansion?”

Theresa May MP and Jeremy Corbyn MP, rightly regarded as the greatest political leaders England has ever known, are to push on with Brexit this week, because that’s what the people voted for in an opinion poll years ago.

“There is nothing remotely fascist about Brexit,” an aide to the prime minister told us, while preparing for the parliamentary handbags to come, “it doesn’t matter that most of the main pushers of Brexit look a bit, well, dubious? They’re just patriots. Really good at being patriots. Did you know if you keep saying something it becomes true?”

The pushing will be done in the House of Commons at the Place of Westminster.

“It’s going to be very interesting to see how May fares,” the aide observed, “because the main concern is the unity of the Conservative Party. That is the guiding principle for any duly elected representative of the people. It doesn’t matter how damaging that unity is to say, the fishing industry? Agriculture? Services? Well, it’s a long list. So long as a Tory bum is on the chair at Downing Street, the country is headed in a direction.”

As to the other side of the coin? Mr Corbyn? What’s he going to get up to.

“At a guess he will try and keep both leavers and remainers happy by doing just enough to be spun to both groups a message that he has their backs. Really, the most important thing for the leader of the official opposition is to do whatever it takes to serve ill perceived notions of what is in the best electoral interests of that party. It doesn’t really matter if the evidence of external interference in our democratic process is now so sky high you’d have to be bat shit crazy to continue to support the government with Brexit.”

What if you’re wrong? What if the leader of the official opposition takes the next couple of days to take huge chunks out of the insane executive leading this country to oblivion? Triggering a political crisis with the potential to bring down the government? Showing to everyone he sees the connection between mass far right rallies occurring in London and Brexit? And the incredible risk the country is in, while most people sleepwalk through it?

“Well that would be great. I for one could do with a break from being dug out of the back of your imagination and made to pretend I work for a woman whose only friend is a friggin’ pot plant. In fact, I’ll be the first to say well done, if about bloody time too.”

IKEA’s Westminster store manager would neither confirm nor deny this morning that the store has taken an order for bunk beds from a man who lists his permanent address as the Ecuadorian Embassy in central London. But we have an insider who is determined to tell all.

“He must have a large family,” our whistleblower mused, “maybe he and his partner are adopting refugees fleeing political persecution? I hear he’s a real bleeding heart type. But of a snowflake you might say.”

The order, which also includes a new toilet brush and crockery items, was allegedly paid for with a Russian bank issued credit card.

”He said he only uses the card because it gives you air miles on Aeroflot, but I suspect it’s the ultra low interest rate that attracted his business.”

The delivery is expected to take nearly a week to arrive. When you add in assembly time, there are doubts the man will have sufficient time to put the beds together before his friends arrive.

”I’m not even sure our delivery driver will be allowed to do anything other than a pavement drop,” our insider continued, “the last time the man ordered the embassy staff were waiting for the driver with a blonde man bound and gagged. Mi6? Are you Mi6? Is apparently what they demanded to know.”

It must have been disappointing for them to discover it was actually an IKEA delivery?

”Gutted. Especially when they had to carry whoever it was they’d gone to the trouble to prepare for pick up back inside and his order of a red, white and blue floor carpet big enough to sweep an interconnected web of international fascist collusion and espionage under.”

Apparently the man’s lodgings were too small for the carpet though and it was last seen left outside, behind the embassy, in a skip that someone at the Observer has just set on fire.

A prominent British statesman has spoken today of his relief over how “all that Russian Brexit corruption stuff, you know, how it seems that most of the members of parliament are currently Putin’s useful idiots, it’s a real shot in the arm. It is taking attention off how thick I am.”

We interviewed the packet of mince at a location of his choosing.

”You close your eyes and count to ten,” he said, looking very serious for a grown man suggesting a child’s game, “I’ll hide and you see if you can find me in under five minutes.”

We weren’t sure it was going to take that long. He was standing in the fresh meat section and it seemed fairly obvious he was going to attempt to blend in right there.

”Are you going to use the camouflage skills you learned in the SAS all those years ago?”

He didn’t reply. He covered his eyes with his hands and began to grin. Then to giggle. Then to hop from one foot to the other.

”Mister Davis?”

No reply. He snorted and a bubble of snot grew at the end of his nostril.

We searched in vain for a tissue but could find none in our pockets.

”You’re not counting!”

One. More snorts. Two…

We walked away briskly to the aisle with the toiletries to grab a packet of tissues, hoping the staff would realise the emergency and trust us to pay for the packet after opening it.

We increased the volume of our count the further away we travelled.

Four…five.

Locating the tissues we returned briskly to the mince meat aisle.

Six…seven.

But Mister Davis had seemingly vanished.

Eight. Quick step to the alcohol aisle.

Nine. No joy. Surprisingly.

It was only on the way back, as we caught the aisle devoted to summer activities, bbq’s, ball games, kids toys and tinder for bbq’s that we realised our error.

The Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union had been moved by floor staff, eyes still closed, to the shelf with the coals and bbq wood.

A member of staff was writing out a reduced price sticker and about to slap it on his forehead.

”The packet split on this one, so it’s going out half price,” they told us.

”But he belongs in the mince meat section.”

They paused, a little bemused.

”Silly me. It looked like a collection of short planks of wood. It’s been a busy day.”

At that moment Mister Davis opened his eyes.

”Ta da! I told you I was a master of camouflage!”

But no sooner than the gloating had begun he stopped and stood to attention, facing the stacks of split soft wood.

”Funny place for an emergency cabinet,” he mused, “has something serious happened?”

No. Just the continue flow of mounting evidence that Brexit is riddled with neocon, sociopathic American billionaire far right world order smashing influence in collusion with Putin and the idea is to drive the U.K. into isolation and cripple it as stage one of smash apart the European Union.

He looked baffled. A second snot bubble appeared.

We applied the tissue to his nose. Play time was over for the day.