Category: Brexit

The fantastic and forward thinking Conservative government took decisive action today to build an air wall to stop Airbus and other major businesses flying from the U.K. faced with Brexit.

”They don’t get away while I’m in charge,” professional plank of lumber David Davis told us, elbows parked at terminal 3, House of Commons bar.

The wall will initially be constructed to ecompass all of North East Wales,  to enclose the airplane maker’s ground operations and test runway, but additional walls can be constructed in ever increasing rings.

”We should have built the sea wall already,” Davis said, “to stop the EU27 fruit pickers legging it, but we’ll stop the rest!”

It seems Mr Davis has been lobbying privately since the botched 2017 general election campaign last year for the UK’s stonemasons to be put to work.

”This is the issue with how Tory party members undermined the leader at the last general election by not voting for May in sufficient numbers to secure a commanding majority.”

It seems the one thing going against Brexit has always been time, even though the leadership of both main political parties are fully signed up.

”Reality is a bitch too,” Davis added, “you see Brexit was designed as a twenty four hour smash and grab. We crash out of the EU. Not this farcical extended process that exposes all the bullshit we’re shovelling.”

Had the 2017 general election delivered the overwhelming majority sought by the Tory Brexiters they could have held all the businesses and people, and to an extent the EU hostage.

”Imagine all that tax haven cash flooded into the U.K. overnight to snap up companies that are actually sound, but where artificially devalued by the unexpected calamity of the abrupt exit? It would have been an investment boom.”

Asked how he expected to stop the aeronautical industry taking flight with a wall around North East Wales. Davis added,

”We could use nets?” before continuing to get absolutely shit faced at publicly subsidised expense.

A seasoned hostage negotiator has professed to being unable to tell if a woman featured in a hair raising video posted online last night is actually the hostage or hostage taker.

”Pass the salt and the pepper,” Defective Dem Ocracy said, as we settled down with her to watch the video again, “I think best when I’m properly seasoned.”

In the video which is not advisable to show to minors, a clearly strained and insincere middle aged woman attempts to send more messages with her eyes than her mouth.

“You can tell she’s reading from a script and she’s not making this recording by personal choice. Just look at her? What a car crash of a person. Crash test dummy hits wall at 100mph.”

Well at least it’s a proper British speed. That’s some comfort.

”Yes. The way she keeps repeating the same phrases. Delivering on this, bag of lies, the British people voted for, another crock of shite. Clearly whoever is forcing her to record this message is taking the line that if you just keep repeating a lie it will become a truth. It won’t work.”

So she’s a hostage?

”Oh, I didn’t say that. This could be a bluff. She wants us to think she’s the hostage so we’ll pity her and do what her captors are demanding. But it’s just as likely she’s the ringleader and pulling a fast one.”

A fast one? This con has been playing out for a couple of years now.

”Measured in the speed of collapse of civil society and the British economy, if the organised gang behind this video achieve their objective, you’re probably right. The build up to the crash will seem geological in scale. That’s how they’ll make their money. Smash and grab in twenty four hours.”

But who’s behind it? Do you have any clue?

”Yes. A shadowy group of insane criminals who don’t care who gets hurt. They’re called the ERG. The sooner they’re stopped, the safer we’ll be.”

UK manufacturers of prosthetic limbs are looking forward to a “seismic leap” in demand thanks to the “Brexit Dividend” promised by prime minister Theresa May.

Speaking to LCD Views, industry spokesman Jake Dapeg explained that for manufacturers of wooden legs, running blades and robotic legs the much vaunted “Brexit Dividend” will come in the form of the inevitable devastating economic crash.

“Seventeen plus million people who voted to leave the EU are going to realise they’ve metaphorically shot themselves in the foot and will follow through with a similar act of “actual” self mutilation,” he sniggered pointing out that many of those who voted most fervently to leave Europe, have never even set foot on the continent.

The British prosthetics industry, he said is already gearing itself up to cope with the anticipated unprecedented demand for replacement feet and lower legs.

“We’re just hoping that there’s enough cash left in the NHS biscuit barrel, to “foot the bill”, and that health minister Jeremy Hunt, won’t be “wrong footed”, and doesn’t “open his mouth and put his foot in it”, as he usually does,” he punned shamelessly.

Opening the UK’s borders to the free deployment of podiatry puns is probably one of the least expected “dividends” of the UK’s decision to leave the European Union, admitted Dapeg, pointing out that given the apparent complete lack of thought given to the entire process it is perhaps not surprising.

“Let’s face it both May and Johnson started out as “remainers” and switched to become “leavers” only when they saw which way the fetid, sulphurous wind emanating from Arron Banks behind, was blowing,” he added, warning that both had better be careful to make sure they hadn’t mistakenly planted “one foot in the grave”.

“After all there’s only one possible victor in this fight and only one possible response to the suggestion that the UK leaves the EU without a deal and declines to keep a “foot in the door” of Europe, and that’s “IN THE NAME OF SANITY!”, he implored rolling his eyes.

LCD Views can report today that the costs of day to day living are expected to mushroom in 2019.

“It’s going to be a boon for dairy farmers,” Michael Gove MP, minister for pretending to care about DEFRA, told us, “and cereal manufacturers. The chaps with the tractors? Amazing business. Just exploding. No end in sight.”

Don’t look directly at the light on the profit and loss account?

“Shades. Dark shades,” Mr Gove nodded, before licking his reptilian lips and attempting whatever the hell it is he calls a smile.

So the growing fear in the population of armageddon is exaggerated?

“Let me be very clear,” Mr Gove replied, “I want to be entirely frank about this.”

He paused for emphasis.

“There maybe bumps in the road as Global Britain strides into the future, hand in hand with Trump’s America, but so long as we align ourselves with the biggest bully on the block, I’m sure myself and my friends will get richer. My advice to you and your readers is to get into companies manufacturing chain link fencing now. Oh, and geiger counters.”

But that won’t be a reassurance to ordinary day to day people, who can’t afford to invest in chain link fencing manufacturers, as they see the value of their home plummet and the cost of bread, milk and other staples explode?

“You’re looking at this the wrong way around,” Mr Gove chided, “right now home ownership is out of reach for many younger people. This is something myself, and my colleagues in government are deeply, deeply concerned about.”

Well that’s a relief.

“It’s more than that. It’s a policy. I am not in the business of uttering meaningless soundbites.”

Is there any detail to the policy?

“Clearly all young people can afford a loaf of bread, or a pint of milk.”

Yes?

“So once the Brexit/Peak Trump 2019 inflation cloud mushrooms to make the cost of a pint of milk the same as your average exploding, depreciating house price, everyone will be a winner.”

Mass relief across England today after the announcement by BBC HQ that Boris Johnson’s £350M per week Big Red Brexit Bus is to takeover as the host of BBC QT after Dimbleby retires later this year.

”It’s a natural fit,” producer for the show, G Ammon of G and Ammon Productions told us, “we need to ensure the correct level of pro-Brexit bias after Dimbleby retires. What better than the bus what won it?”

It’s not entirely clear how the bus will function as host of the programme, but G Ammon has some ideas.

”We’re going to instal a modified AI to that which controls the prime minister,” he said, “so self driving and only capable of turning to the right.”

Additionally it’s understood the bus will signal audience members to speak by flashing its headlights at them.

”It can choose panelists to respond to questions by use of its indicators. And anyone going on too long can be given a blast of exhaust fumes to shut them up.”

But what about the weekly Tory plant? The ever reliable audience member there to ensure the government doesn’t lean too hard on the BBC?

”Oh, that’s not a problem. We can programme the bus to collect the Tory boy plant on the way to recording each week.”

And the rest of the audience?

”Yes. Enough room for plenty of gammon to ride along. We can round them all up.”

What about the token remainer who is likely to sneak through the audience screening process?

”They can get the train, like Dimbleby does. It’ll be an improvement, given thanks to Grayling and chums the trains are barely running now. By the time the Boris Bus takes over as BBCQT train services should be extinct on mainland U.K.”

A rainbow patterned, magic unicorn spoke today of a nightmare it had last night in which it met the man who would be its end.

“Why did you say magic?” the rainbow unicorn demanded, as we sought to speak with it about the dream, “of course i’m magic. I’m a flipping unicorn. If you don’t believe in magic you can’t see me. And you’re asking me questions, so that says you believe in magic.”

We’re sorry, it’s just the description to make it clear you’re a real unicorn and not one of those Brexit ones.

“Don’t mention the B word please. It gives me the runs and it doesn’t look like you’ve bought a sandbox along for me to run to.”

We’re sorry. We won’t mention Brexit again.

“Now I have to run in circles three times to shake off the dark magic of hearing the B word twice in one minute.”

Unicorns lead more complex lives than we imagined.

“And why say nightmare dream? It’s obvious it’s a dream if it’s a nightmare!”

You’re more touchy than we imagined. Not at all like the ones in cartoons.

“And this surprises you?! Do you know the stress I’m under?”

We can only imagine.

“For over two years I’ve been pursued by 17.2M people determined to hack me to pieces and serve me up in the hope that my magic will make all the Brexit promises come true. Once you kill me. The magic dies with me.”

You said the B word.

“Oh for God’s sake. I’m about down with humans. If you see that David Davis idiot phone me and warn me on this burner phone. I’ve got to keep out of his reach. If he catches me it’s all over.”

He’ll never catch you.

“What makes you so certain?”

You don’t spend enough time in the publicly subsidised House of Commons bar.

“I always feel like I’m being called there. Along with my friend the enchanted, empty cigarette packet.”

A local woman is being sought in connection with the alleged, attempted sale of British assets to overseas buyers.

”Anyone with a fat pocket book seems to be the target,” a source inside Scotland Paddock told us, “apparently the idea is to flog off well known landmarks to gullible new money from abroad.”

Shipping was apparently included in the offer, although re-assembly would have been required on the receiving end.

”Only pavement delivery was on offer,” our insider adds, “although quite what your neighbours are going to think when a van drops off Tower Bridge in crates and speeds away without a signature is anyone’s guess.”

Although the chancer hasn’t yet pulled off the con, it’s believed they will keep trying until apprehended.

”There’s rumours that the Elizabeth Tower, which houses Big Ben, has actually been flogged off already.”

That would explain why the scaffolding hasn’t come down yet from the famous bell tower?

”Yes. My team is currently scouring the latest updates to Google Earth to see if we can spot it. We’ve also asked the International Space Station to keep a look out. To pay especial attention to mini golf courses owned by Donald Trump’s complex web of businesses to see if any new and startling features rise up and go bong.”

Police are asking all members of the public to be vigilant until a suspect has been apprehended.

But why try and pull off such a daring sale of U.K. plc assets like this?

”Addiction most likely. They’re saying they’re raising money for a family member’s operation. But my suspicion would be an addiction to a junk so powerful, once it’s in your bloodstream only intervention by 65M people can cure it.”

What drug is it?

”Power. It tends to make some people crazy and they don’t care who gets hurt when they’re high.”

“Infamy! Infamy!” A poor workman shouted today at any rag desperate enough for a sales boost to print his dissembling and lies, “they’ve all got it in for me!”

He was talking as his pet political project, Brexshit, showed distinct signs of being on the turn, like him allegedly seeing a bag of roubles, and on the nose, like any project of political Frankensteinism that the creators didn’t bother to sufficiently plan or power up.

It’s now starting to rot on the slab.

”If only the politicians that I abandoned my project to when it was half finished were making a better fist of it all would be perfect by now. We’d already be Singapore-on-Sea!”

Rot on the slab, stench of corruption wafting out the windows.

Presumably being perfect also means the hard right coup being so complete there’s no chance of meddling public inquiries and potential charges for things a little bit like treason?

“We can still have those!” he huffed, lurching upwards, “we are supposed to have those. Show trials for remainiac saboteurs! Cowed populace! Toilling the fields for the fatherland. Left or right wing Brexit it works either way.”

So it’s still possible for your project to succeed? Maybe you need different tools?

”That’s the Daily Mail’s plan. Painting up Jezza as being the hero of the hour. A right and proper fool. I mean, tool!”

As the corrupted juices of the monster stitched together from pieces of this Brexshit lie and that Russian bribe, pool on the tiles.

The organisers of the highly anticipated ‘Labour Live’ (Jezzfest) event on the weekend have announced a plan to send traditional blue passports out with ticket to boost last minute sales.

”Jizzfest is the most anticipated event this year, mashing up politics with traditional Labour values of not actively trying to stop a bonfire of workers’ rights,” PR specialist for the event, Mr Movement of PR specialists ‘Abstention and Dithering’, told us.

The move to offer blue passports is not going unnoticed though.

”This Jazzfest Park Party is a blatant steal from our highly successful playbook,” Tory MP, Mr Dentures, commented, “we started this leave the single market and tear up everyone’s rights agenda, and pandering to a certain demographic’s neurotic terror of non-white chaps is blatantly a traditional Conservative value. Labour should get their own fears to pander to. Mass youth unemployment following Brexit is up for grabs.”

But Mr Movement wasn’t impressed.

”We share the values of Brexit with the Conservatives. And we’re the party of opposition. Opposing deeply damaging political agendas of the governing party is not the job of the official opposition.

Our job is to pretend to be doing things while the Tories destroy the country.

Then we become the phoenix, albeit a nationalised and centrally controlled phoenix.

I will say though we’ll be keeping the definition of employed. There won’t be many jobs post Tory Brexit, so just breathing will be classed as employed. At least until the central committee assigns you to a factory making state designed leaflets explaining how great life now is.”

The representative went on to explain that anyone not buying a ticket to Jizzfest will have their name recorded in a book under the crime ‘Undermining the leader’. Action will be taken in due course.

But do the Tories have any plan to copy Labour’s playbook and hold their own party in the park as the country crumbles?

”Yes. But it will be a small party held on a beach on an island tax haven. And it will be catered, mostly with the flesh and fat of the United Kingdom.”

Dublin’s automotive manufacturing sector was reporting the beginning of a boom today as English workers began establishing subsidiary jobs in Ireland.

”There’s been a trickle of English car sector workers setting up subsidiary jobs since the overwhelming majority of voters in the United Kingdom delivered an unassailable advisory mandate to destroy all life in the United Kingdom,” our Dublin correspondent said,

“and as the Brexit negotiations are nearing a triumphant conclusion, English people are taking advantage of the new, exciting possibilities opened up for them by hard right, and hard left, politicians in England. Added of course by hundreds of moderates who are only too willing to support the decision to erase the economy.”

It seems pressure is now piling on workers at Jaguar Landrover, Rolls Royce, Nissan and others who haven’t acted yet to get that second job established, before Dublin runs out of space.

”It’s quite amazing when you consider before the referendum how many doom merchants said Brexit would cut a devastating swathe through entire sectors of British manufacturing. But here we are, much like hedge fund managers, auto workers are finding they’re ending up with more jobs thanks to Brexit, not less. It’s also a boom to the aviation sector as the car workers of England will need to fly in and out of Dublin to manage their second jobs.”

We sought comment for this exciting change from an English politician who hitherto has had a reputation for being a bit of a remoaner.

“It just shows the sensible, pragmatic approach of the British people,” Jacob Rees-mogg told us, “faced with the opportunity to hedge against only having so many hours in the day to work their existing English jobs, they’re setting up subsidiary jobs in Dublin. It all makes perfect sense.”

And what about your investment business? Are you following the lead of the car sector workers, who in their thousands are now experiencing the thrill of Brexit’s many, exciting possibilities?

“Oh no, I’m far too patriotic for that,” he said, “call me old fashioned, but I like to keep the majority of my fund’s money in sanctioned Russian banks.”