Category: Pseudo Science

NOW YOU SEE HIM, NOW YOU DON’T: Schrödinger’s Prime Minister was both at and not at the fabled Downing Street parties. This is according to the admission by Boris Johnson that he did actually attend the party that he definitely didn’t attend, according to Boris Johnson.

“Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no,” said Johnson when pressed on the issue. “Well, erm, erm, well, that is to say, I suppose the important thing is where we are now, erm, well, wiff waff, adversus solem ne loquitor, the matter is closed, get yourself vaccinated!, we will have to wait until the enquiry is complete, ignored, buried, swept under the carpet, and I’m sunning myself on a deserted shoreline, and we have acted while Labour just grumbles at me!”

This is progress. Only yesterday, the very same Boris Johnson was insisting that there was no party, and even if there was, he wasn’t there and knew nothing about it, despite photographic evidence of a garden party in his back garden, with him seated next to Carrie, which must have been work because everyone was in a suit.

Schrödinger must be turning in his grave (while simultaneously non-rotational). First, there was Brexit, which certainly meant Brexit even if it didn’t. Then there came covid, which although a deadly pandemic is also completely harmless. Now, in accordance with Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, which states that the more precisely one may pin down the position of Boris Johnson, the less certain he actually exists, the fact that he was at the party probably means that he wasn’t.

Brexit naturally debunks all this philosophy. On two grounds. Firstly, the philosophers are experts, so their evidence may be discounted. Secondly, and even more damning, they were both European.

Naturally, this means that Johnson is off the hook. So, therefore, he is damned by his own arguments.

BY HIS LACK OF WORKS WILL HE BE REMEMBERED : BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson is expected to celebrate the completion of his “greatest work so far” in office with everyone in the UK being infected with the latest pandemic variant at the same time. Sometime in January.

The quest to have a “national measles party” with the dazzling cold which has been “turning heads globally” has been ongoing since the little scrap of RNA got busy a couple of years ago.

“No other country on Earth has the commitment to this pandemic shown by the UK leadership,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you look at it purely in financial terms it has been truly world beating for anyone who sensibly invested in the Tories.”

What exact day in January everyone in the UK is infected at once is open to speculation, but with Mr Johnson’s leadership it is a certainty.

“We’ll be ensuring all new arrivals to the UK are fully tested for the virus,” the source goes on, “so we can identify people not currently carrying it and shove them into the nearest form of public transport.”

There are some critics of the move to infect the entire nation at once “just because Steve Baker can’t be bothered to wear a face mask at Harrods” but they can be ignored because they hate liberty.

“Future medical researchers will thank the current UK administration for the wealth of material they’ll have to study,” the source adds. “You don’t get into the position the UK is in without serious effort from the very top of government.”

To aid the country reach this milestone before “the next variant arrives” Downing Street will be setting up a special hotline where concerned voters can find information about the latest viral hotspots in their area and “get there before everyone is in isolation”.

The ability of Mr Johnson to lead this charge is a symptom of his leadership style and unwillingness to have “Swayne phoning up moaning about his freedoms” when he’s just opened another bottle of champagne at lunch.

“The PM is doing his part from a tropical island right now,” the source concludes. “You can do your part by having a sit down meal in a desperate hospitality venue lacking government support and wait for the virus to arrive in the air swirling around you.”

When we’re all sick at the same time no one will mind. Not least “the NHS” which Downing Street believes “need to be kept busy anyway or they’ll just go curing somebody of cancer”.

SAY YOUR PRAYERS, SUCKERS: Faith healing is nothing new. But it has now become the UK’s favoured medical response. 

In recent days this new policy has become all too clear. Traditional science-based medicine has been supplanted by a more sophisticated system. 

This doctrine says that democratic principles beat education every time. In short, winning an election trumps expertise. 

Boris Johnson has embedded this principle in the government’s response to the omicron variant. This was clear from his latest scruffy haired piece to camera. 

“The only way to beat the omicron variant is to cross your fingers, close your eyes, make a wish, and hope like hell,” he said, amid an avalanche of meaningless waffle. “I’m Prime Minister, which means I know best. I was elected, you know, which means that the science must follow me!” 

Government scientific advisor Tess Tubes explained further. “Advisors advise, ministers know better,” she elaborated. “Being elected brings many privileges. Our latest research, mostly on ministers’ social media feeds and WhatsApp groups, reveals that election creates immunity, and this immunity covers not only prosecution and responsibility, but infection too. The Daily Express is running a front page splash on this tomorrow, which we will use to justify our decisions retrospectively, and gain immunity from the police too.”

Years upon years of knowledge have been updated. It seems that grubby kids in the school playground were on the right scent all along. 

“The Prime Minister has declared that it’s impossible to catch covid when you’ve got croggsies!” shrilled Tubes. “You know, fingers crossed so that whoever’s On can’t tig you! The virus works exactly the same!” 

Belief and faith have beaten science at long last. 

“Why do you cross yourself when you go to church?” demanded Tubes. “So the virus can’t get you! Simples! It’s how the church survived the Plague! If you die of covid it’s your own fault for not Believing In Boris enough!” 

Hands together, eyes closed. Don’t forget to blow your nose… ooops… 

LEAN AND MEAN FOR BLIGHTY : Daily now the news is full of another crisis in the food supply industry. First it was chicken, then it was beef and now it’s milk. Something will have to be done about it.

The obvious solution of quietly unwinding Priti Patel’s world beating victory of ending Freedom of Movement is not a goer and the British people voted overwhelmingly to be trapped on their island with Priti Patel. Another solution must be found.

Luckily good old fashioned British pluck and ingenuity will see us through. Allied to an executive that loves to splash the cash.

“£350m per week we’re putting into finding alternatives for food,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And we think our ramped up, world beating team of food scientists have cracked it!”

And cracked and it they appear to be after the discovery of homeopathic food.

“It looks like we do have an answer. Homeopathic food will allow all supermarkets to be fully stocked forever with barely a dent being made in the nation’s food stockpiles.”

The solution is as simple as it’s genius and only Brexit scientists could have developed it.

“Homeopathic food works like homeopathic medicine,” the source explains. “Anyone can do it at home. Just take say one chicken nugget and put it in a full bath tub of water. Give it a stir and like magic you have hundreds of litres of entirely effective chicken nuggets. Drain off and bottle the water. Repeat. Do it all day. One nugget will make millions of other nuggets this way.”

The technique works for any food substance and any diet.

“The future of Brexit is now safe thanks to our scientists,” the source adds. “We’ll be holding a National roast beef feast next month. We’re going to throw one plate of Sunday roast into an Olympic swimming pool and feed the nation!”

The men of Britain are in real danger of never fathering children again, claims Professor Winston Churchill, head researcher at Food Safety and Fertility Clinic, Boston.

“I blame the scientists,” Professor Churchill told LCD Views. “They can never leave well enough alone. Food was safe before generics was understood. An onion was an onion. It’s important to know your onions.”

The latest food danger is an attempt by insane horticulturists to create a turnip-chilli hybrid.

“Fancy flavours like that are all well and good for novelty crisps but they should never be within throwing up distance of an actual British kitchen,” the Professor warns. “It’s not going too far to say the fertility of our great nation is at risk. This could actually be a foreign plot to sabotage the future of our armed services.”

The Professor is too patriotically polite to mention Brexit’s part in all this, so we will have to. Food imports are facing a crisis due to the work shy nature of EU HGV drivers. This means more British food will have to be grown in Britain and not in Catalonia. This means turnips. Lots and lots of turnips.

“The turnip is traditionally the safest vegetable for native Britons,” Professor Churchill notes, “but if the genes of turnip-chilli hybrids escape into the wild and mix with classic turnips on farms, all hell will break loose.”

Sunday is the day of particular risk.

“When the man of the house prepares the Sunday roast and chops up that turnip, unaware it’s a chilli hybrid, then goes to relieve himself as nature intended? Well, I hope you have the fire brigade, the ambulance service and Porton Down all on speed dial. And forget that fifth child.”

Forewarned is forearmed. And unlike British willies, turnips aren’t the intended playthings of idle hands. Turnips. Let’s leave them as nature intended and continue to enjoy world class fertility rates in British men.

ALL THAT GREEN SHIT : David Cameron is often back in the news these days, which may not be what he expected when he triggered the destruction of the United Kingdom and ran and hid in his Shepherd’s Hut Shed (which cost the average annual salary at the time).

Mostly he’s back in the news because he appears to have decided that his millions of inherited wealth aren’t sufficient for a man of his self worth, and he would like to find a way to funnel some good old fashioned taxpayer cash onto the top? All very Tory. Business as usual.

While the discussions and investigations into what he’s been up to in the Greensill saga will dominate the news agenda, scientists working on Climate Change have detected a potential benefit for all of humanity. And Mr Cameron is ground zero.

“Mr Cameron’s sense of entitlement is so eyewateringly dense that if a way can be found to convert it into energy we can power the entire UK for decades,” one leading climate scientist told LCD Views. “Give up on the cold fusion nonsense, tap into a Tory’s sense of entitlement!”

The idea is certainly unique and would give the UK a head start as the world seeks new forms of energy.

“The only snag will be futureproofing the technology,” the scientist adds. “It’s obvious there is a great enough sense of entitlement stored within Mr Cameron to power the country for millennia, the only issue will be storing it? We will be working with Tesla to develop the battery technology. Maybe Dom can get involved too!”

And for those that doubt Mr Cameron as a source of green fuel, you just have to look at what he’s done in and out of office. By his works will he be known, and by Greensill.

KILLING JOKE : Downing Street is sensibly regarded as world beating in its reaction to the novel virus that has taught the world lessons most will forget.

It seems fair to allege that the U.K. must be near the top of the world league for countries who cashed in on the pandemic, and the closer your links to government the greater the cash.

Social care has also been a major player with tens of thousands of care home residents no longer needing a care or any home at all, thanks to decisions made early on by the Johnson government. The protective ring…

But perhaps one of the U.K. government’s greatest pandemic achievements lies in the field of producing dangerous new variants of the unique contagion?

“Sure Brazil and India have now joined the variable feast, but we were first,” a Health Minister tells LCD Views. “Remember the Kent variant? Who can forget. We made it at home and exported it to the world. That’s Global Britain in action. That’s Global levelling up!”

If we had learned the lessons of other countries, those who were hit by the pandemic first, many weeks before us, we may not have succeeded in the variant field.

“Where would that place Johnson in the history books? Far to the back. That’s no good. All the countries that pursued zero virus strategies are barely going to get a mention. But the ones who went hard early and fast and made unique strains? Entire chapters they will get.”

It really is of course, just Johnson being Johnson. All his public works are ones that drive progress into reverse. Thanks to the virus, he was able to go global and put post Brexit Britain firmly on the map.

LETTING KIDS RIP : Researchers are watching avidly as the U.K. government’s top secret medical experiment on the entirety of English state school children gathers pace.

While not officially acknowledged as government policy it’s believed the UK’s government has just decided to “sort the wheat from the chaff” of English kids and let the virus have its merry way with them. Oh and also, “Boris is bored of the pandemic now and just wants it over with, like one of his marriages. So let the bodies pile high again and see who wins the race? The vaccine or the virus.”

“Chicken pox and measles parties were good enough in my day,” said one 10 Downing Street eugenicist, “and cooking my brain with a fever at dangerous temperatures for days while young didn’t do me any harm. You just have to look at me to see that. So there’s minimal risk to British youth, except the ones who get long term damage. But that’s a part of growing up. At least emotionally, in my direct experience.”

But non-government researchers suspect there maybe long term consequences that Mr Johnson and the other “batshit crazy, irresponsible shithouses currently ruining the U.K.” haven’t fully thought through.

“Arrogance and a sense of endless entitlement allow you to do many things that harm others to satisfy yourself,” Professor Doctor Doctor told LCD Views, “you just have to look at Brexit to see the results of that. We’re hopeful that this fascist feeling experiment on the nation’s schoolchildren may have a positive long term impact.”

Namely a distinct aversion to voting Tory when they grow up and look back to a childhood disrupted unnecessarily for several years by a “hamfisted, pseudo science approach combined with profiteering off a pandemic with scant regard to the human cost by the old Etonian sect.”

IF YOU CAN’T BLIND THEM WITH SCIENCE…: THE UK IS GLOBALLY RECOGNISED as being at the forefront of research into how to handle the current pandemic. Work made more impressive by the current government’s decision to abandon efforts to properly prepare for pandemics, before the pandemic.

“This has provided us with a pretty open field to experiment within,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and not just for the virus! Ha!”

In spite of the interesting results arising from the UK’s unique attempt to bring Blitz Spirit into viral control, it seems some in power are getting bored of it now.

“Matt’s mates have made an absolute tonne of cash, it’s been excellent,” the source continues. “Not just his, others also. Total snouts in trough windfall event. One in a million. It’s been excellent.”

But the winds of change are now blowing…

“By mismanaging the pandemic we’ve artificially boosted UK GDP sufficient to hide some of the impact of Brexit. Although we’re coming to the end of the road with that now, which is more than you can say for the nation’s hauliers! Ha! We’re going to have to get Dido back to track and trace truck drivers. That’ll spin a few billion out the door. Ha!”

As to where to go now with the pandemic it’s clear a few options are helpfully still ruled out.

“No chance we’ll pursue an elimination strategy, with an effective quarantine and track and trace. That’s not the British way! We’ll only consider it if the rest of the world quarantines us. The modern Conservative has the mettle to cull the herd of the weak, presented with the opportunity. But how to sell it to the great unwashed? Social media spreading conspiracies helps keep people’s eye off the ball. Who doesn’t prefer to watch old Piers Corbyn ripping health messages off public transport? Much more exciting than considering stale charts of infections and deaths. But we want to move on now. We’ve Global Britain to build! The people need to shrug off their fears and get out the door.”

It seems the favoured policy is to manipulate public opinion sufficiently so they see the virus like a car crash. You want to drive then you accept there’s a risk to yourself and others, but you trust it’s mitigated. So long as the daily mortality stays low then it’s hoped selfishness will kick in too. It’s only people I don’t know dying…

“That’s exceptionally clever. Treating an infectious disease like a car accident. It has a surface logic that many will grab. As long as no one actually sits down and thinks about it…”

Of course the people in positions of power pushing the agenda to “get back to normal” are well placed to think it through.

“They have access to chauffeur driven cars and many live on large estates. All you have to do is work harder for the right ancestors and you can live safely with the virus too.”

UNCLEAN UNCLEAN: Lizard King Michael Gove has managed to avoid self isolation after an overseas junket. But it’s not a case of ‘one rule for us’ this time. The reliably ubiquitous government “source” confirmed this once and for all. 

“Strictly speaking, Mr Gove should be obliged to quarantine himself for 10 days,” said Sourcey McSourceFace. “However, in his case this won’t be necessary. It is well known in government circles that nobody ever goes near him if they can possibly avoid it.” 

Thus a protective ring has been thrown around Michael Gove, of his own creation. One protective ring to rule them all. And we all know about the government’s usual protective rings. 

But this one might actually work. After all, of all the ghouls who haunt the corridors of power, be it Johnson, Farage, Murdoch, Dyson, Tim Wetherspoons, or even Patel, there is none so universally disliked as Michael Gove. 

“Even his nearest and dearest tend to avoid him,” continued the source. “And it is as yet unknown whether his reptilian DNA protects him from covid. In any case, he only comes out at night, when everybody knows viruses sleep.” 

So we are back to following the science. 

On which, new government guidance issued today recommends that the British People should not attempt to mate with cold-blooded predators in order to protect their offspring from disease. 

Already there is a movement calling itself #AllReptilesMatter, which fights for the right to display sexual attraction towards reptiles. They have organised a protest march in London. Although some members who have a thing for crocodiles may not attend due to having been eaten by a crocodile. Michael Gove’s wife and children are expected to attend. 

“Normal rules do not apply to Michael Gove,” concluded the source, merely confirming what everybody suspected anyway. 

If you happen to encounter Mr Gove, DO NOT APPROACH HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.