BY HIS LACK OF WORKS WILL HE BE REMEMBERED : BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson is expected to celebrate the completion of his “greatest work so far” in office with everyone in the UK being infected with the latest pandemic variant at the same time. Sometime in January.
The quest to have a “national measles party” with the dazzling cold which has been “turning heads globally” has been ongoing since the little scrap of RNA got busy a couple of years ago.
“No other country on Earth has the commitment to this pandemic shown by the UK leadership,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you look at it purely in financial terms it has been truly world beating for anyone who sensibly invested in the Tories.”
What exact day in January everyone in the UK is infected at once is open to speculation, but with Mr Johnson’s leadership it is a certainty.
“We’ll be ensuring all new arrivals to the UK are fully tested for the virus,” the source goes on, “so we can identify people not currently carrying it and shove them into the nearest form of public transport.”
There are some critics of the move to infect the entire nation at once “just because Steve Baker can’t be bothered to wear a face mask at Harrods” but they can be ignored because they hate liberty.
“Future medical researchers will thank the current UK administration for the wealth of material they’ll have to study,” the source adds. “You don’t get into the position the UK is in without serious effort from the very top of government.”
To aid the country reach this milestone before “the next variant arrives” Downing Street will be setting up a special hotline where concerned voters can find information about the latest viral hotspots in their area and “get there before everyone is in isolation”.
The ability of Mr Johnson to lead this charge is a symptom of his leadership style and unwillingness to have “Swayne phoning up moaning about his freedoms” when he’s just opened another bottle of champagne at lunch.
“The PM is doing his part from a tropical island right now,” the source concludes. “You can do your part by having a sit down meal in a desperate hospitality venue lacking government support and wait for the virus to arrive in the air swirling around you.”
When we’re all sick at the same time no one will mind. Not least “the NHS” which Downing Street believes “need to be kept busy anyway or they’ll just go curing somebody of cancer”.