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Downing Street to demand “EU returns UK’s veto over EU rules” to solve HGV crisis

FEET OF CLAY : DOWNING STREET has the solution to the problems plaguing post-Brexit Britain and it is going to enact it.

The watershed moment came during a drinking session at Chequers yesterday, where the Prime Minister is said to have gone to recover from his latest holiday. The event started out as an innocent time “getting lathered before lunch” as standard but took a serious turn when the risk to turkeys this Christmas was mentioned.

“The Prime Minister himself nailed it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He realised that all the problems causing Brexit to baulk where a result of overweening EU red tape. Before Brexit we had a powerful, even leading voice in Europe and could have done something about it. The nuclear option being our veto. But the EU tricked us into giving up the veto so it could get Brexit done. He’s going to call them out on it.”

Once the veto is returned it will allow Mr Johnson to cease “boring himself silly thinking about reading up on how the EU works” and just solve all the problems at a stroke.

“We’re going to call it Operation Gordian Knot. This is mostly for the classical reference but also because of the speed with which the problems of lack of workers and failing crops will be solved. The PM will just cut right through all the nonsense. He’ll be able to bring the same complete disregard for legal agreements to the functioning of the EU and third parties.”

The return of the UK’s veto over EU will also “drag the EU” back to the reality of the relative power of the half a billion people that comprise it and the mighty British lion.

“The EU will come to heel,” the source adds. “It’s only a matter of time. The veto will be returned giving us the exact same benefits as membership, but without any of the tiresome responsibilities. After all, they need us more than we need them.”

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Downing Street – “now is not the time” to talk about Windfall Tax on PPE contract profits

BROKEN BRITAIN BREAKING : 10 Downing Street has joined forces with its natural allies in the Exchequer today to refute calls for a Windfall Tax on PPE contract profits.

The call to collect the tax from the coffers of the profiteers who cashed in on the pandemic, many of them closely linked to Tory ministers, has not been made yet by a single opposition MP, even though tens of billions has been shoved out the back door of the public bank under the cover of the virus, often in exchange for wildly overpriced and unusable PPE products. There has been no negative consequences for the ethically bankrupt individuals who orchestrated all of it, as they have zero conscience.

“We’re saying NO to the Windfall Tax today,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “People say Mr Johnson’s shambolic and toxic administration is incapable of forward planning, is always taken by surprise by the obvious and then waits for too long to act with deeply negative consequences for real people. Well, we’re out front on this one! Our donors will be protected. A world leading protective ring will be formed around their offshore bank accounts and then it will be ramped up.”

The need to safeguard the immoral profits of donors is obvious as the removal of public money to private bank accounts, with public outcomes not a concern in the slightest, is one of the major motivations for modern Conservatives.

“Our donors can sleep safe in their newly purchased Georgian Manors, secure in knowing they have the money to avoid the worst dangers as we let the virus rip across the country. People are getting sick and dying avoidably each and every day and we could not care in the slightest.”

The bodies piled high, so did the Tory profits, let’s raise the National Insurance contributions of the poor to pay for it.

“Remember, a broken promise is not a broken promise until Boris Johnson has gotten his hands on it. World leading, gold standard disaster capitalism. It’s what the people wanted.”

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Education Secretary says every school will have a canary in their classrooms to monitor CO2 levels

THEY DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION : Education Superstar Gavin Williamson has hit back at critics who claim he’s as incompetent as Raab, as clueless as Truss and as vindictive as Patel.

With schools across the U.K. reopened or reopening after the gloomy summer many are concerned that English schools in particular are unprepared for another go at educating the future during a tantric pandemic. Mr Williamson has marked their work down.

“Letting the virus rip through our children is not a way to achieve herd immunity in the community via natural infection, while reducing the social care problem,” an invented spokesman for the Education Secretary told LCD Views. “It’s just the obvious result of our devil may care approach. It’s also not a way to reduce overcrowding in classrooms, it’s just what will follow with tens of thousands of students being off sick and many in hospitals.”

Responding to specific criticisms that he hasn’t even attempted to make classrooms safer Mr Williamson’s spokesman was livid.

“We have signed a contract for hundreds of millions of canaries. Just like in the coal mines of old there will be perfectly adequate warning systems that dangers are present. And then we’ll ignore them and carry on, just like now.”

The canaries themselves will be supplied “by the truckload” by a Tory donor who was the best person to deal with as “they’ve recently suffered a serious business failure but have previously donated generously to the Conservatives.”

The canaries will also be financially very efficient for schools.

“You can just bin them when they die due to the dangerous gas levels and pop another in the cage,” the spokesman enthuses. “And each day a lucky pupil can be chosen by lot to take the canary home for their afternoon shift in the newly reopened coal mines and stand an even better chance of making it home alive.”

Boris Johnson’s Britain – he doesn’t appear to care about his own offspring, why the hell do you expect he’ll care about yours?

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PM admits he dresses in hi vis to be mistaken for an essential worker and not whatever he is

WHAT AM I : The fat boy of British politics has detonated one of his trade secrets today in a revealing interview with Sloth, the lifestyle magazine of the terminally lazy.

Speaking from a desk he made himself out of empty wine crates he emptied himself, the U.K. Prime Minister let a big dead cat out of a big bag of big dead cats.

“I take this bag with me everywhere I go,” he grinned, hair tousled roguishly as he prepares to plunge millions more into working poverty.

“You need a dead cat each and every day. Mind you there’s so many zombie cats running around Westminster now even I don’t know which is supposed to be a distraction from some avoidable screw up caused by my lazy and neglectful approach to governance and what is a result of my appalling inability to do my job.”

The interviewee paused for several seconds to stare disarmingly into a future full of promise.

“But shall I tell you a bona fide trade secret?” he asked. “One of the cards I keep up my crumpled sleeve and put right back up there each time I use it?”

Yes please.

“You know how I appear to have a fetish for low class attire? It’s not just a gimmick I seriously get off on wearing poor man’s clobber. It makes me feel powerful. I mock them and they think I am trying to be one of them. Ha! What idiots. It’s a great lark.”

Continue.

“But there’s also a hidden motivation that no one seems to realise,” he said enthusiastically. “Essential workers wear hi vis. That’s one of the reasons I do it. I’m bloody desperate to be mistaken for an essential worker and not the walking, bumbling calamity I so obviously am. Totally inessential. I know it. You know it. It’s hilarious.”

Well.

“Now? Who’s up for a swim? Throw a bit of red meat to the press core to distract from the pandemic, Brexit, Afghanistan, Universal Credit, every single thing I let Priti do and who pays for my wallpaper! Huzzah!”

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Dominic Raab strikes deal with Taliban to move Trident base to Kabul

BRAIN OF BRITAIN : Human bin-fire Dominic Rabid Raab has made good use of the Prime Minister’s holiday lifestyle to make important changes to the UK’s security arrangements.

“The deputy prime minister has stepped up to the plate to secure the U.K. after everyone else failed us so terribly over Afghanistan, while he was on Crete,” a throbbing vein on Mr Raab’s temple told LCD Views. “I can’t believe how incompetent everyone is. How workshy. How clueless. Dom is livid. Which is actually a healthy colour for gammon.”

The action taken by the Foreign Secretary regards the future of the U.K. as a nuclear armed power.

“Dom read that report that says Scotland is now independent,” the vein explains, “which was a total shock as he had only recently appreciated that Scotland was in a Union with England and some other place. Apparently they’ve left because we didn’t do Brexit properly and they feel robbed. That’s what Dom thinks. And then he saw that the French and Nicola Sturgeon were planning to steal Trident and sell it to the Americans so he’s acted decisively and swiftly.”

The action is said to involve former adversaries of the U.K. who the Johnson government now believe are potentially reliable partners. This is because to take any other line would be to admit to a gross dereliction of duty and honour by the U.K. government.

“The Taliban readily agreed to give the Trident submarines a safe harbour in their inland ocean west of Kabul,” the vein throbs. “We just need to give them twenty four hours notice when we want to fire the nukes and our seat on the UN Security Council is safe too. Dom is proud. He’s even let them keep the portrait of Queen Elizabeth as a token of thanks.”

But there’s more.

“He’s also arranged for Liz Truss to send them some cheese,” the vein swoons. “It’s the beginning of a very special relationship. Which is great because we need a new one after some idiot ruined the last one.”

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EXCLUSIVE: Boris Johnson took his dressing up box on holiday so he can continue working

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY: Puffed up, dressed up, lightweight. No, not the latest set of candidates on Strictly or The X Factor, but the (alleged) Prime Minister. So keen was he to appear to be working while on a much undeserved break that he took his World Beating dressing up box with him. 

In a Worldwide Exclusive, LCD Views can reveal the depth of thought that went into this harebrained idea. This depth is so deeply profound that it must be measured in microns. 

This scoop was obtained, not by wielding a huge sum of money, but by default. All of the mainstream press were desperate to point out how hard Johnson is supposed to be working. But none of them wanted to admit that it’s all an act. 

Today, since the public eye is on Dominic Raab and his refusal to disclose the date he went on holiday, Johnson can relax and pretend to be a tubby middle aged man on holiday. His work done, he may then resume actually being a tubby middle aged man on holiday for the rest of the day. 

But tomorrow, who knows? Executive Holiday Consultant Heidi High had some inside information. 

“I help Boris with his packing,” she revealed. “I mean, I have a friend who helps him. Possibly she helps him in other respects too, I couldn’t possibly comment, but I do know which items went into the dressing up box.” 

Do tell! 

“There’s a hi viz jacket in every conceivable colour,” she said. “And hundreds of hard hats. A butcher’s apron and a string of sausages. A collection of lab coats. Several dozen Union Jacks. Scrubs and a stethoscope. A mop and bucket. There’s loads of it!” 

The only outfit missing seems to be something appropriate for a Minister of State. Instead of dressing up, he should be getting a dressing down. 

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“Food and beer supply crisis resolves hospitality industry staff crisis” – UK Gov

BOTTOMS UP : Several minor problems are to be crossed off the UK’s to-do list this week now that the beer supply crisis has finally arrived.

There were concerns that the German Automotive Sector would have to be blamed for the staffing issues in the UK’s world leading hospitality sector, but thankfully the supply chain crisis has intervened to spare their blushes.

Wetherspoons is the first to feel the burn of a loss of beer with the karma police arresting Tim Martin late last night. Other prominent, private sector Brexiters will presumably follow in what has been reported as the worst case of “joint enterprise” seen in the UK for a very long time.

Downing Street is upbeat over the beer shortage, confident that so long as the majority of the UK media continue to spin and support Mr Johnson the polling will hold steady. Further encouragement is taken from the official opposition’s vow of silence on Brexit at the leadership level, because validating Brexit worked out even better for former leader Jeremy Corbyn, than agreeing for the need for austerity worked out for the leader before him. Worked out for the Tories that is. The inability to understand the need to tackle the incumbents on highly contentious issues does help explain why Labour has only been in power for 20 of the last 100 years. Steady as she goes. The face eating leopard party thanks you for your political naivety.

“Workers in the hospitality industry were in short supply and high demand,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Happily now there is no food and no drink to serve to patrons, so the businesses can close and the workers go and train to be HGV drivers. This shows you how we will easily navigate Brexit. Much in the way of a debt junky using new credit cards to pay off old with the amount borrowed rapidly increasing to unsustainable levels and bankruptcy.”

The public are reassured though that there is currently no risk to the supply of food and drink at the Palace of Westminster and their elective representatives will be able to access subsidised, high quality food and alcohol even while their catastrophic failures see them enjoying summer holidays abroad.

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BREAKING : Dido Harding to help Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin track and trace beer supplies

KARMA POLICE : Catastrophic scenes across the United Kingdom this week as the tyrannical EU takes aim at the beating heart of Brexit cultural life by throttling beer supplies to Wetherspoons.

It’s not entirely clear why Tim Martin ever supported Brexit, given his business model, with the only viable working hypothesis being he figured it would allow the Tories to crush workers’ rights and corporate tax rates. Which is an understandable motivation of course and the rest of us can go to Hell. The personal blowback on Mr Martin won’t have been factored in, but then no one would have thought the EU would be so intractable regarding legal arrangements, given they need us more than we need them.

There is an understandable argument to bring the army in to secure beer supplies for the Brexit churches, but that alone may not be enough to stabilise the situation, given there’s not enough army after 11 years of thick as two planks Tory austerity.

“An expert in finding anything you like is called for,” a representative for Wetherspoons told LCD Views. “This is why we are seeking the assistance of Dido Harding. She famously ensured the pandemic in the U.K. was only the worst on Earth. She can find the beer.”

The budget for the stale ale track and trace system will be publicly funded, as using taxpayer cash to reward political allies is par for course for Johnson’s government.

“Whatever happens with beer supplies you can be guaranteed the involvement of Harding will ensure public cash ends up in the right coffers,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Mr Martin has one full support over this crisis no one could ever have foreseen.”

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BREAKING : Johnson to be crowned King while on holiday – Queen to become deputy

ROYAL SEAL CLAPPING : Queen Elizabeth II is set to be relieved of the range of duties she’s clearly too elderly or too disinterested to perform after Prime Minister Boris Johnson is crowned King in Somerset this week.

The decision to hold a coronation for the Prime Minister is said to be a “mere formality” to formalise the changes to the way the UK is governed, thanks to Brexit. Whether or not Mrs Johnson will also be crowned is a matter of intense debate within Downing Street, with rumours saying King Johnson is resisting the move because he doesn’t yet have a slogan ready to completely remove the aged monarch from the constitutional power structure.

The ceremony itself will draw on the deep and rich history of modern Britain with the prime minister being crowned and anointed while sitting in the cockpit of a Spitfire. The spitfire itself will be hung with hi vis Union Flag bunting for the event and a ring of Tory MPs run around it in a circle making machine gun noises.

“The coronation puts paid to the pathetic discussion over how much actual work the Prime Minister will do during his four day working holiday,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “The Prime Minister will have to sit still for several minutes while the holy oils are applied and anyone who knows the spoiled brat of British politics knows that’s work enough for a whole week.”

A lavish banquet will be held after the coronation with the army being brought in to ensure the supplies of champagne and caviar are not intercepted by the “marauding hordes of peasants rioting over food”.

While the holiday itself was a strong enough message to send to the nation that Mr Johnson sees himself as a sovereign and not an elected representative, the actual wearing of a crown will make the reality clear to anyone who hasn’t yet noticed.

After the coronation the new King will take a holiday to prepare himself to holiday when the next entirely foreseeable crisis strikes his kingdom.

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State schools told to prepare for food shortages so Eton doesn’t have to

KEEP ‘EM HUNGRY KEEP ‘EM KEEN : The United Kingdom is a world leader in both the food bank and free school meals sector. Few industrialised countries that aren’t the USA prepare their underprivileged youth with such vigour for the dog eat dog world of reduced employment rights and job insecurity.

Thanks to the sensible, self-imposed limitations of Brexit the U.K. is set to ramp up the way it prepares poorer children for endless Tory rule. Food supplies are in crisis and the crisis needs to be digested by the right people in the right institutions.

“Feed Your Betters is a new campaign we’re launching in all schools,” a Department of Education spokesman told LCD Views. “Poor children will be asked to skip meals to ensure that their more intelligently born contemporaries have their nutritional needs met so they physically develop properly in order to go on to govern their lessers.”

The scheme will involve coordination across government departments with the Home Office assisting the Education Secretary, while the Chancellor ensures the purse strings are loose enough so that no one actually perishes from hunger fast, but tight enough to ensure low born are thinking about food more than their lessons.

“The Food Enforcement Police will intercept and divert lorries full of fresh produce from their intended destinations of state schools full of shabby never do wells and divert the food to Eton, Harrow, Basket, Hive and other vital institutions to guarantee the future of strong and stable governance in the United Kingdom.”

But it won’t all be one way traffic. The born to rule youngsters will daily select one bread roll which will be returned to a state school chosen by lottery. The bread roll will have several weevils inserted prior to return to make sure it includes the right level of protein to meet new means tested guidance.

“A live stream will broadcast the poor children fighting in a ring over the bread roll with the victor receiving a standing ovation over zoom from the better kids. Just imagine your pride when your bruised and battered offspring hold the bloodied roll, or what is left of it, up to the webcam.”

There were thoughts of having the posh kids actually visit to watch the bread brawling in person but this has been put on hold for the time being.

The Education Department explained why.

“Do you want several future prime ministers exposed to that nasty cold which is out of control in state schools all at once? You don’t want to risk the next Cameron or Johnson getting an illness that might cause chronic conditions in their childhood. That’s an advantage squarely pegged for the deserving poor.”