LCD Views

JOHN BULL WALKS HERE : DOWNING STREET have taken a decisive step today to help everyone forget about the looming cut to Universal Credit, and the natural increase in food bank use, by announcing a renewal of national symbols.

But the geniuses driving the United Kingdom forward at breakneck speed aren’t talking about polishing brass necks on old statues this time. This time it’s putting the Union Flag visibly in front of everyone. This will deal a death blow to the various separatist movements currently building up a “baffling head of steam” under King Boris.

“We’re starting with pedestrian crossings,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “Just imagine the shame and humiliation of your walk of shame home, after your first food bank visit, being transformed into an inflated sense of national worth as you see the red, white and blue painted on the road before you?”

The decision to paint the UK’s forty seven million zebra crossings will also be a huge boost to the domestic paint manufacturing industry. Additionally it will provide much need additional work for people about to lose £20 a week off the food budget, while already working several jobs.

The are further plans to hang Union Flag bunting between every single lamp post and telephone pole in the country to ensure that “Everyone knows they are British regardless of the empty supermarket shelves. Everyone except people Priti Patel decides isn’t”.

It’s rumoured the country’s zoos will be engaged to provide mascots for the revealing of each new “nationally energised, British crosswalk”. The hope being live zebras will be dyed red, white and blue and stationed at crossings to get “even the gloomiest naysayer excited about being British”.

Concerns about having people symbolically walk all over the flag have been dismissed by asking those furrowed brows to think about “every single action taken already by the Prime Minister and his cabinet”.

101 DUMBNATIONS : Great news today for bleeding hearts after Priti Patel was confirmed as keeping her job in Boris Johnson’s “underwhelming” reshuffle.

There had been speculation the energetic Home Secretary would be replaced, but that was only by people who temporarily forgot that Boris Johnson doesn’t care about the ministerial code, workplace bullying and the rule of law. Silly people.

Ms Patel has made a deep impression since her career was revived by Mr Johnson after Ms Patel broke the ministerial code by running a secret foreign policy agenda, and she would have been driven out of politics if the Conservatives cared about anything other than tax havens.

Granted the deep impression made is confined to eroding trust in Westminster governance across the four nations of the U.K. and the physical impressions of people protesting peacefully into the dirt.

It’s rumoured there was a brief discussion between the PM and the HS in which Ms Patel thanked Mr Johnson for his ongoing confidence and promised to “build a 100ft high piñata of a war refugee at Dover and beat it with sticks”.

While some big names did return to the back benches in the day of the blunt knives, they have been replaced by equal, and perhaps greater, levels of vacuity and incompetence. The ship of state is steady on its course.

Ms Patel is due to address the Commons later and will deliver a speech in which she will say she “still has so much love to give” before bursting into an insane and threatening cackle lasting several hours.

Afterwards she will say how much she is looking forward to the winter food riots and “taking the stick to Universal Credit claimants with an enthusiasm last seen in the ‘eorgian period.”

Further celebrations will involve a synchronised display of jet ski racists in the English Channel as the first blows are struck at the refugee piñata.

MEAT AND TWO VEG : Visionary British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have had ENOUGH of the endless newspaper headlines about the worsening poverty stats in the U.K. and is going to act.

The deepening crisis of poverty has been a growing blot on the landscape of one of the world’s richest tax havens since 2010, with no one at all able to work out what changed in 2010 to cause it. Luckily for the U.K. it now has a PM with a plan.

Mr Johnson is said to have hit on the idea of a massive jobs programme for poor children after a dream in which he was a Georgian monarch saw him preside over full employment for the under 10’s.

“The second Channel Tunnel will put right what the first one put wrong,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will still head off towards Calais before making a sharp turn just before France and doubling back to England. Here it will become a tangled spaghetti with no end in sight.”

The scheme is expected to employ every “able child” that can be found and will provide an education that better “prepares the UK’s poverty wracked students for a bread and water future.”

The building project has won the backing of the Chancellor too. This will pour water into troubled oils after Rishi Sunak is said to have cancelled the planned bridge to Northern Ireland to keep Dominic Raab happy who it is reported is unable to understand how an area of the U.K. can be in the U.K. but not physically attached.

Bunting will be hung at the spot outside Dover where construction will begin and the theme music to Dambusters played as scurvy addled, rickets wracked youngsters pick up their shovels and hoes and break ground. Forget those fronted adverbials you’ve got rocks to break!

“It will be a boom time for both the hi vis and professional photography sectors of the U.K. economy,” the Downing Street source said. “During the projected 10 year construction period the PM will visit daily to pose in energetic and visionary positions as the emaciated poor of Tory Britain struggle to breathe in the lengthening tunnel.”

But it’s not just excellent use of a pool of idle and as yet untapped underprivileged workers. It’s also a finger in the eye of Brussels.

“The EU aren’t involved,” the source exalts. “They’ll have to deal with knowing we’re excavating the longest, deepest man made tunnel on Earth and it’s going to backtrack under our British backsides while they stand there fuming over child Labour labour laws. It’s a tangible victory for Brexit Britain which sits neatly on the shelf next to an empty pint glass with a crown on it.”

WILL OF THE PEOPLE : DOWNING STREET is said to be in a “dismissive” mood today after a petition targeting the Prime Minister launched and instantly hit one million signatures.

The petition addresses suggestions that Boris Johnson will this week lay out his vision for the months leading up to Christmas this year. And it’s got anyone with a functioning memory terrified.

“Remember last year?” one signatory commented. “He said he was going to save Christmas and then 10’s of 1,000’s of people died avoidably in a resurgent pandemic. Heaven forbid he tries to save Christmas again. Just let it go. Let’s skip it.”

It’s unlikely the petition will be heeded by the executive and some fear it will just encourage Mr Johnson to go further than he plans already.

“The people only get to decide government policy in criminally corrupted referendums,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Anything else is none of their business. I would suggest the people who started this petition take it down immediately. The PM is guaranteed to do the opposite, just to show them who’s boss.”

It’s unlikely either side will budge though and the petition is expected to top 10M signatures before the end of the day.

“He gave us pestilence for Christmas last year,” another signatory noticed, “so if he’s going to try and stop the supply chain crisis he created from ruining Christmas this year that means famine. It’s like he’s working through the list of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. He’s a right shite Father Christmas.”