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Arlene Foster to have seamless border wall stitched up in time for Brexit

Negotiations have begun between Arlene Foster of the DUP and a company in the EU to build a seamless wall on the Northern Ireland border.

“We don’t want to say to much about this initiative,” said Foster, “as I am still trying to solve the wood pellet problem I caused last year.”

The estimate for the wood pellet overspend is rumoured to be approximately £500m. Foster is confident that she and the DUP can recoup these funds with the new wall.

“We want it to be as high as Trump’s Mexican wall. We don’t want those Irish speaking Mexicans coming up from Dublin to pollute our Presbyterian Protestant heritage,” she said.

Could you tell LCD Views how you plan to build a seamless wall so cheaply?

“We will call upon every family household who voted Brexit to help us, and if we run out, we can now make a call to Denmark for further help. We know that there are many many boxes of Lego going unused. Bricks of Lego stored in cupboards, in lofts and attics all across the country.”

“The DUP head office were contacted by a Mr O’Halloran of Portrush to say he had just stepped on another brick of ‘effing’ Lego for the ‘umpteenth effing’ time, and whilst hopping in pain, phoned us to offer all of his son’s Lego to the seamless wall project.”

But how will this wall be seamless, LCD Views asked.

“Can you spot the join once two Lego bricks are joined together?” asked Arlene. “We’ll make an enormous saving on cement and mortar and we can use the different brick colours to create a camouflage design to keep those hippy environmentalists happy.”

Children are grief stricken at the thought that the Lego version of The Millennium Falcon that took the whole of the Christmas week to build, are to be broken apart in order to build a wall on the island of Ireland.

“I don’t care if children cry,” Arlene reassured, “wait until they run into my wall. Then they damn well have something to cry about!”

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Ministers hail Brexit progress as the cliff edge gets higher and higher

The famous, mystical cliff edge towards which we are hurtling at the speed of one of Liam Fox’s expenses claims, is getting higher and higher. The fall will be longer and more magnificent than we at first believed. Higher means bigger means better means success, doesn’t it?

Pro-Brexit cabinet members were queueing up to waffle excitedly about this latest triumph. “The greater the height, the better!” boasted Boris Johnson. “Imagine the zip wire! It’s a phantasmagoricalitastic success for Britain!”

Chancellor Philip Hammond was characteristically guarded. “It remains to be seen if this is actually good news,” he said, cautiously. “Incidentally, the BBC has contacted my little brother Richard about making a series called Total Brexit Wipeout.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg spoke in his usual measured, plummy tones. “I’m getting a little giddy with the heights of success,” he opined. “Although it must be said that one does suffer slightly from vertigo.”

LCD’s Head In The Clouds correspondent attempted to get on top of the reasons why the cliff edge is increasing in altitude. After a good fifteen seconds’ worth of heavy googling, his analysis was: “The EU is getting a bit snotty over the Irish border.”

Oh, yes, the Irish border. That hard, soft, physical, virtual boundary that runs between Northern Ireland and the Republic and/or through the Irish Sea. This has led to the Westminster Uncertainty Principle, which states that, if you close your eyes and stick your fingers in your ears, the thing you wish to ignore will go away. If there is a border, but nobody is looking at it, does it still exist?

There may yet be more twists and turns to come on the Road To Brexit. Nobody knows whether the Road is straight or winding, wide or narrow, motorway or rutted farm track. Is it a ring road, a cul-de-sac, or a tangled mess like Spaghetti Junction in the dark with no road signs?

Enough rhetorical questions. We finish with an updated proverb: Pride comes before a cliff edge.

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London Stock Exchange stops chasing Saudi oil listing with news Liam Fox is to publicly list his air miles

Great news for the city of London today with the exciting announcement that famous tax funded aviator Liam Fox MP is to publicly list his accumulated air miles.

“We’re just cock-a-hoop,” Philip Maay, a trader who manages a small, non-tax paying, private, very private indeed, fund told LCD Views.

“This takes the pressure caused by Brexit right off the city. Forget the constant job losses.

Recently we’ve been forcing the Royals to entertain Saudi princes so thick and so fast they were starting to talk about a merger between the families. May have taken some smooth PR to sell it to the public, but think of all the money? Oil oil oil money. Mmmm.

It seemed the only solution for the Windsors, to both wave at poor people and do their bit as ‘soft power’ with tyrants.

It’s a key royal activity that. Talking executioners into throwing great mountains of blood money into the capital. Sometimes they even have to play polo sober. It’s a hell of a sacrifice for the country.

But plucky Liam has played a blinder with this one. Ever since he was given charge of the white elephant Department for International Trade, he’s invested heavily using public funds into air miles. Really canny stuff. Business class all the way.

People said he had nothing to show for it? Well, look here now! This is going to be one bull of a market.”

The value of stocks listed on the LSE is expected to triple, perhaps even quadruple the instant the listing goes live.

There is no fear of a crash in value either, the rising cost of air travel for British citizens caused by Brexit calamities will mean the air miles hold their value, never stop accumulating and are likely to be a boom unseen in modern times.

LCD Views commends Liam Fox MP for his vision and courage in helping to provide a contingency for the fiscal future of the United Kingdom.

God only knows what shape the country’s finances would be in if Liam Fox MP had never been involved spending millions.

Break open your rainy day money and pile it in the moment Liam Fox’s air miles go live!

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BBC Radio 4 triggers emergency Brexit news blackout in response to EU ‘Ireland First’ declaration

The BBC Radio 4 political reporters are in lockdown after triggering an emergency Brexit news blackout in response to the EU’s ‘Ireland First’ declaration yesterday afternoon.

“We established the protocols early last year when we signed up to Brexit mind, body and spirit,” said Nick Robinson, political editor on the failing Radio 4 flag dingy programme ‘Today’,

“we don’t care anymore that it’s an agenda of lies to profit wannabe fascists and money launderers, allegedly, and we should be interrogating the living hell out of it.

We just care that it matches the sentimentality we feel about having to stand in food ration queues with our mums when we were boys. Ah, the wellspring of youth.”

At least that’s what we think he said.

He was knee deep in terror with his colleagues, hiding in the walk in fridge the programme editors store Iain Duncan Smith in, when he’s not wanted to bluff and dissemble on behalf of the great leap backward.

“But while we prepared protocols for how to react if ‘things got a bit sticky with the Brexit’,” Robinson continued, “We didn’t think what we would do after the lockdown. How to actually get out of it?”

It’s believed playing endless patriotic songs is the most likely avenue out of the fridge.

“We’ve hidden the EU’s ‘Ireland First’ declaration down in the Northern Ireland sub-section of UK news for the moment, to give us plausible deniability against accusations of not covering the story.

But there is no way in hell we are mentioning it until we can find a suitable way to link it to assertions that the ‘EU is doing itself more harm than us’ by seeking to protect the peace in Northern Ireland.

Also, this is ‘just the EU’s opening gambit’. They’re rattled. And other favourites from Brexit bingo. Stick with us. We’ll find a way. Humphrys is flying back on a RAF jet from a stone rolling contest right now.”

Nick Robinson went on to further express his gratitude that Donald Trump has delivered a double whammy of distraction in the last twenty four hours, by twinning trade war with a promise to talk to Kim Jong-un.

“I almost achieved a state of near perfect elevation when I heard the news,” Robinson said, “there is little chance of Trump following through, he’s just looking to distract with a penny rocket, but boy, being able to obsess on that story and not mention the EU starting the process of bringing down the brave, noble, beautiful, wise, all powerful, lying, economically insane administration of Theresa May? What a relief.”

Nick stepped back from the fridge door at that point so a cook could open it and get a slab of butter out.

Before asking his colleagues again what sort of immigrant they really like?

Does anyone else get the feeling the BBC will also find itself hauled in front of parliamentary committees in the years to come, and asked as the public broadcaster, how it failed to properly investigate the sham and con job of Brexit?

“I’ll be retired to the south of France by then!”

Yes. Thanks Nick. Keep up the good work. A narrow cabal in the Tory party needs you and your team to keep wearing blinkers. Oh, and the Lexiters, they need you too.

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Theresa May to call snap GE to lose more MPs so she can finally quit

Theresa May is to build on her party’s general election success last year by calling a snap GE, to lose more MPs so she can finally quit as prime minister.

”She’s fed up with waiting about looking a complete and utter plank,” Damien Green MP told LCD Views over breakfast at the Ritz.

”She fully expected to have been able to hand Brexit to Johnson and/or Gove by now.

She’s read out every inane and self-contradicting statement they ask of her. But still she’s the one holding the Brexit can. It wasn’t the deal.

Rees-mogg could be leader if he wants. Theresa isn’t bothered, if our party is as insane as everyone suspects and goes for it.

But no one will actually put the knife in. People just keep waving daggers about and shouting. Bunch of pussies. She’s fed up.”

It appears the prime minister is further encouraged to call a snap GE by the endless run of lost council seats in by-elections.

”We just keep getting panned. The Libdems are getting 40-50% swings in a lot of by-elections.

This explains the extraordinary denigration reserved by Momentum activists for anyone they suspect of not backing Saint Jezza online. Don’t question Jezza and Brexit, unless you’ve already turned off your twitter notifications.”

But how many seats would May need to lose to get out of office?

”Her own would be the jackpot!” Damien hooted, “failing that? Twenty to thirty would be brilliant. But ending in a dead heat with Labour is the real risk.”

Why’s that?

”Those trots ruining Labour don’t want government. They’re enjoying the perks of being the official opposition for eternity.

You can’t tell me they couldn’t have pushed the whole rotten Tory cabal out of office by now by merely half heartedly opposing Brexit. Not voting through article 50 before any preparation was done would have nailed it. But they seized the chance of the endless struggle.”

What are you really saying?

“Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t want to be prime minister. He’s an old man. He wants to be a figurehead and sail about kissing hands.”

So the risk is what exactly?

”Labour will refuse to govern as a coalition. And we’ll be stuck holding the wrong end of the stick until we burst into flames and burn the country to the ground.”

Call it then!

”We will. Just as soon as we’ve worked out the catchphrase and worked up a new policy as sufficiently barmy as the dementia tax. That was a stroke of genius. It almost nailed the last defeat to the floor for us.”

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Remainers prepare to leave EU with stocks of Marmite and baked beans

Remain voters are stockpiling typically British foods in readiness of Brexit. This septic isle, they believe, will probably be plunged into a massive depression. Well, that’’s what happens if you fall off a cliff edge.

Small-scale smuggling of Marmite already takes place, in a small way. Expats living the life of Riley in southern France and Spain expect their relatives to bring supplies when they visit. Jars of the precious brown nectar are concealed in hand luggage and disguised as fake tan.

The writing is on the wall (sponsored by Donald Trump). Those who can read the runes believe that the message is clear: the only people to benefit from Brexit are the vultures who stand to pick over the carcass after the event. The rest of us, who gives a hoot?

Government officials insist that the message is, everything is fine, get patriotic and get thee behind us, Satan. To put it more succinctly, we won, get over it.

The situation is clearly untenable. So disappointed Remainers plan to stay in the EU by emigrating from the UK. They are planning to utilise their burgundy EU passports before they are forcibly downgraded to the blue UK variety. Everybody wins.

Unfortunately, Europeans do not understand British delicacies. Other culinary icons being hoarded in preparation of exile include HP Sauce, Real Ale, and Cornish pasties. Canny operators are making sure that they have enough supplies of exemplary British cuisine to last, while they get accustomed to having to eat garlic, snails, and frogs’ legs.

So expect booze cruises to be replaced by pasty pilgrimages and baked bean beanos. Watch Brits currently living The Good Life slowly become bon viveurs. Très bien, what, old bean?

It only remains to point out that the Remainers will remain by leaving, leaving the Leavers to leave by remaining.

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Brexit toilet paper sales stop after discovery it’s made of 99% horseshit and 1% powdered glass

LCD Views is facing an emergency situation in the WC at work today after we reluctantly heeded the advice of consumer watchdogs and stopped the sale of Brexit toilet paper in our office toilet.

“It seemed a sensible free market solution to the mysterious issue of staff overusing office supplies,” Gary Searchlight shrugged, “we make the staff pay for it sheet by sheet.”

Coincidentally, Gary is the member of parliament for Bogland, a Legatum employee, an ERG member, a possible Kremlin stooge and the purchasing manager at LCD. None of this is a conflict of interest.

“Forcing the staff to purchase sheet by sheet meant they felt a sense of personal responsibility, they were key stakeholders and didn’t just flush roll after roll of our hard earned money down the loo, when it was supposed to be diverted to a tax haven.”

So what went wrong?

“Nothing, in theory.

We outsourced the loo roll supply to foreign majority owned firms, so we could more easily send the profits from the privatisation of the toilet paper through a fun series of bank accounts ending in Panama.

We allowed individual staff members to pay for the Brexit toilet paper by docking everyones’ wage, regardless of the amount they used, to be fair.

This may have impacted negatively on the interns, who are dirt poor, but it taught them to work harder before they had a ‘personal space movement development ease episode’.

We ran endless workshops to re-educate the staff on the correct deployment of Brexit toilet paper too. We worked up mission statements. It was very distracting.

After a while we introduced a new rule that a qualified professional needed to change empty “sanitation empowerment facilities”, or bog rolls in old money, which led to some delays at times, but was clearly safer. Everyone could see that. Every year we doubled the number of professionals needed to do it. And we had to train them. It was expensive, but worthwhile.

So we had to charge more for the toilet paper to cover the increased costs of maintenance of the system.

We essentially invented a whole new industry out of changing the toilet paper. It did wonders for the outflow inflow workflow of our accountant and CFO.

What we didn’t expect were the lobbyists who continually presented magic charts and backhanders over curries that proved we could incrementally reduce the service formula criteria of the composition of the Brexit paper, while still maintaining minimal satisfaction levels for all key stakeholders, i.e., anyone who needed a poo. It was almost like it was all a set up job.

This led to increased competition in our one WC, for different grades of toilet paper, that were incidentally more profitable to supply. Which coincidentally increased the amount of money we sent overseas.”

So what’s the matter? This all sounds like a dream?

“Brexit toilet paper, released onto the British and European market by FarageCon, BanksCon, HannanCon, RedwoodCon, Rees-moggCon, JohnsonCon, HoeyCon, DavisCon and FoxCon some years ago, it’s failed. 100% failure. Oh, and it’s now so expensive we can’t maintain the system any longer by just increasing the ‘responsibility levy’ the staff pay.”

Omg! How did it fail?!

“It’s been discovered it’s now composed of 99% horseshit and 1% powdered glass.”

Isn’t it the same formula as when they first released it onto the market?

“No. Back then it was 100% sovereignty. That doesn’t chaff your bum half as much. Actually polishes it up nicely.

But this latest formula, while more profitable for the concerned democrats selling it, and loved by the red top tabloids, it’s causing a complete failure in all toilets and we’ve had to order an immediate cessation in use of the Brexit paper until we can work out who to sue for all the bleeding bums and blockages.”

So what will the staff do in the interim?

“Who cares. It was never about the staff. Go to the loo before you come to work I’d say. Then hold fast and wait for the stomach pains to pass.”

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Crown prince of Saudi Arabia meets British Prime Minister Arlene Foster

The crown  prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed bin Salman met with British Prime Minister Arlene Foster at 10 Downing Street earlier today to talk about how many bombs he would like to buy to continue peacekeeping efforts in Yemen.

”They also talked about religious fundamentalism,” our Downing Street correspondent reveals, “with the Saudi Prince gently encouraging Ms Foster to perhaps update her knowledge of when the world was made and how.”

Other issues covered were democratic reform, again the crown prince did his best to steer the British PM away from her traditional notions of how to conduct parliamentary democracy, to something more twenty first century.

Although neither could keep a straight face when the subject of blackmail came up.

Enquiries why Mohammed bin Salman choose to meet with Arlene Foster, and not her subordinate Theresa May, as initially scheduled, were met with a brisk reply.

”The Prince doesn’t waste his time making small talk with petty functionaries. He talks with the seat of power.”

It’s hoped the British trip will make the prince swoon and promise to bankroll Britain post Brexit, so long as we don’t quibble about all the death stuff.

The meeting followed an earlier breakfast with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace.

Reports suggest the prince struggled to hide his disdain for the little “city crash pad” and its lack of a functioning execution block.

”How do you rule if you don’t chop off heads?” he is said to have asked in bemusement, but the Queen just smiled wistfully while Prince Charles muttered in a corner.

”It’s believed the Queen did ask the crown prince to convey a personal message to the British PM on her behalf.”

Which was?

”She is believed to have said ‘one has already gotten one’s EU flag hat out once, to make one’s views on Brexit plain,” our correspondent says, “one doesn’t expect to have to do it again’.”

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British man identified with so much nerve he’s immune to nerve agent attack

The frenzied work to ensure British subjects at least were immune to the nerve agent used on the weekend to attack the Russian double agent bore fruit today with the identification of a British man who has so much nerve he’s immune.

“The individual is a bullish, middle aged, blonde man who luckily is already in the employ of the state and can thus more readily be tested in the hope of developing a potion to defend all,” an Mi5 researcher told LCD Views on the promise on anonymity.

But Agent Smiles how did you identify the individual so quickly?

“We simply did a trawl through the publicly available media reports of bombastic improvisation artists who charge about the political china shop smashing anything worthwhile to pieces,” the anonymous spy revealed, “it didn’t take long to identify the individual. Minutes actually.”

But Agent Jeremiah Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close how can you convert the nerve of this man into a defensive measure?

“We’re going to take a sample of his blood and homoeopathically dilute it into a sprayable solution that will be exploded above the United Kingdom and dispersed by natural weather patterns over the entire landscape.”

Thank you Agent Jeremiah A. Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close, Dorseter, your dark hair and curiously pointy ears are very reassuring.

“My pleasure, now if you don’t mind I’ve got to help prepare a series of media releases that should keep Brexit at item two or three of the news cycle for a week.”

But critics of the strategy have raised concerns that spraying a solution of this individual across the country risks turning the United Kingdom into one complete idiot.

We asked a defence spokesman from Downing Street to rebut that concern.

“What’s to worry about? We’re already at that stage. Have you looked at over riding domestic and foreign policy lately?”

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Leaked U.K. draft guidelines for EU trade negotiations reveal only two written words “wing” and “it”

LCD Views has another scoop today after the reassurance we are the only global news organisation to have received the leaked U.K. draft guidelines for EU trade negotiations. We can tell you now that they reveal there are only two written words in the entire one thousand page document, “wing” and “it”.

We must confess to being shocked anything had been written down, but just as excited to have the scoop.

“We had to produce a fat document,” the whistleblower from DExEU explained, “the EU is always slapping these bloody phonebooks down on the table full of words, charts, numbers, projections, legal nonsense. It’s a bit daunting for David Davis.”

This is because David Davis has a unique way of negotiating, that serves very well for internal Tory Party politics?

“Yes. He gets insecure colleagues so drunk they’ll start to gossip. Once he has what he needs he says, ‘I’m just ducking to the chapel to alleviate the bursting mains’, and saunters off into the night.”

So why isn’t this tried and tested strategy working with Barnier and Junker, Tusk and the like?

“They can hold their liquor. Especially Junker. Fearsome. Never accept one of his wagers based on a drinking contest! You’d have to be insane. He’ll have the shirt off your back,” our insider says, “no, David Davis can’t use his only strategy, even if he could match them glass for glass.”

Why not?

“Because they aren’t concerned about his ability to influence their career trajectory. He can bluff and bluster all he likes, but he’s got nothing on them.

Actually, with Brexit, the entire UK can’t touch anyone of course.

You wait until we have our sovereignty that we never lost back, and start getting screwed over at the WTO by little countries no one has ever heard of, but who have not forgotten Empire 1.0. Brexit is just the beginning of the end, and it’s going to take a very, very long time.”

Well now he’s armed with a negotiating strategy he’ll be able to match them. He’ll be able to force Nissan and Airbus and the rest to stay in the United Kingdom after Brexit.

“I suspect those companies will make decisions based on where they can pick enough cherries to actually stay in business,” our whistler shrugs, “but at least now Davis has a tried and tested strategy he’ll be able to make it up as he goes along for the rest of the negotiations.”

So no change here then. And this was supposed to be a scoop! Let’s keep calling it one anyway. LCD Views advises Davis to go for the drinking contest! At least then he’ll be playing to his one strength.