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Foxes petition to have Liam Fox stripped of his surname

A group of foxes have started a parliamentary petition to have International Business Secretary Liam Fox stripped of his surname.

“We can’t stand it any longer,” one told us, while we ran along a high road in south London picking up discarded chicken bones from the gutter, “he’s an embarrassment. He’s neither sleek nor smart nor beautiful, when caught in a headlight like us. Have you ever seen him on the crest of a hill with the setting sun behind him and gone awww?

Although I guess he’ll end his days hunted into a hole in the ground. But that’s as close as the similarity gets.”

The fox went on to explain they actually conceived of the petition back when Liam Fox was fired as defence secretary for hiding that special friend behind curtains while on government business. Dishonesty is supposed to damn you, but it seems Liam was able to rise again.

“I was personally gobsmacked when he returned to the cabinet. But then Brexit, only the deluded and dumb want to be centerstage in Brexit.”

The petition has so far attracted nearly fifty thousand signatures.

“It’s not just foxes signing it,” the fox said, “humans are too. Which is nice. Normally they just chase us about so dogs can rip us to shreds. Or shout at us in the night when we’re screaming like demons and rutting underneath a bedroom window. So it gives me a bit of hope that your lot are throwing in with us on this topic. We’ll get this over one hundred thousand and get it debated in parliament. A group of owls have told me it’s a shoe in.”

But what surname should Doctor Fox have in place of fox?

“That’s not our problem,” he shrugged, “just not something from the animal kingdom. Pick something from your own world.”

You must have an idea?

“I’ll go for double glazed,” the fox suggested, “as that’s what I see when I look in his eyes. Or Liam Airmiles of course. Either one fits.”

 

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Satan denies making a deal with Donald Trump

The immense fame, fortune and power of Donald Trump have given rise to much speculation over the years as to how and why it happened. Among the more popular theories is that he made a deal with the Devil, but this has now been debunked – by the Devil.

Speaking candidly at a press conference, he told the assembled reporters:

“Look, I know I have something of a bad press here in the world of men, but I’m not that bad. Even I wouldn’t go near Donald Trump. Just when you think humans have sunk as low as they can go, in comes another one who manages to lower the bar another impossible inch. He actually did approach me once, and offered me the souls of all his family – his wives, children, in-laws – I was shocked! And I’m the Devil, it takes a lot to shock me!”

So in other words, when he arrives in hell, it will be entirely through his own efforts.

“Him? In my infernal domain?” Satan looked genuinely repulsed at the prospect. “I don’t want him in Hell, lowering the tone! Apart from anything else, his tan is a fire hazard, and if there’s one thing Hell isn’t short of, it’s fires. I wouldn’t mind if the flames could be guaranteed to only affect him, but they’ll shoot out everywhere – it’s a health & safety risk to me and my demons.”

But surely this doesn’t mean that Trump will be going to Heaven – does it?

“Oh, don’t you worry on that score,” Satan replied, the terrifyingly confident smile back on his face.

“The thing you mortals don’t yet know is, there’s somewhere worse. About twenty years ago, one of my demons led a revolt against me. Gary his name was – good lad, very enthusiastic about his job, but not very bright.

Anyway, he tried to take over, and failed, miserably. I had to punish him, and it was around this time that God was trying to get tough – tough on sin, tough on the causes of sin, you know, and he created somewhere worse. So I offered him Gary and his followers to staff the place, everyone was a winner – God got his staff for Uber-Hell – or should that be Unter-Hell? – I got rid of my traitors, and even Gary got to be the leader of his own domain.”

So Trump will be going there then?

“Absolutely. Funnily enough, I was asking Gary just the other day what he had planned for him. And he’s already got it covered – a golf course that won’t give you a single break.

Holes that disappear, invisible dragons, sixty-foot bunkers, and so on. He actually tried the course out one day in Hell, I remember, with a particularly loathsome mortal called Thomas Quentin Crimp, who by rights should have gone with Gary, but I just couldn’t bear to part with my favourite whipping boy . . .”

So there you have it. There is officially a fate worse than Hell, and it’s in Donald Trump’s future. Hopefully not too distant. Although given how robust his health apparently is Gary may have a wait.

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Chaotic economic collapse is just Global Britain’s opening negotiating position

LCD Views was shocked, stunned, taken aback and then given aforward by the most recent ONS figures. The construction industry in the United Kingdom appears to have more than man flu (and we know what that means) and the economy overall has slowed to, in technical terms ‘just a bit better than shit’. And don’t mention the outflow of investment. Where could it go next?

We decided to talk to one of the Francis Drake’s of our proud, buccaneering country, set free once again to privateer on the high seas, and find out what he made of it all.

He was in the middle of an important work call when we arrived, so we sat politely in a guest chair, that was interestingly very low to the floor, while our man’s was a much bigger chair. What could it mean?

“I spoke to Liam Fox and he says it’s alright,” David Davis, aka Francis Drake, said into his work phone, “we can just roll over the bar tab at the commons till next month.”

We knew it was his work phone because someone had helpfully written ‘work phone’ on some tape and then stuck that to the phone.

“No. No. There’s no chance the bar staff will refuse to serve any of us just because we haven’t settled up in months. It’s just a technical problem,” he continued, “look, talk to Liam. He knows all about this stuff. I’m too busy wrestling with old Barnier. Okay. Yes. Lock in session tomorrow night. You’re on. Be there for lunch and we’ll just push through. Ha!”

He replaced the work phone and turned to us.

“Make it snappy,” he ordered in a very boss way, “I’ve got to go to the tailor’s in ten minutes and get fitted out for asbestos underwear.”

Certainly minister. Who is your tailor?

“Some chap who’s in the process of bankrupting Boris. Now what is it?”

Well, we’re just a little bit worried that project fear is becoming project fact? And all those blithe types who decided Brexit was all great because the UK didn’t fall off a cliff immediately, as it takes time to lose momentum and fail, maybe in for a shock? You know, time and tide and all that.

“Look. Chaotic economic collapse is just Global Britain’s opening negotiating position. This is all going to plan. Brexit is supposed to be a calamity.”

I see. And what comes after that?

“We’ll mix it up with the big boys of the global economy with imagination and seamless exceptionalism. They’ll give us what we want because we’re British and everyone around the world remembers the Empire.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to work out how I got this fork stuck in my head while I was eating lunch.”

Thank you for your time minister.

“You couldn’t give it a tug, could you? Steer clear of the pointy end.”

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Government orders huge supply of toilet roll so that ministers can wipe their elbows

An enormous quantity of lavatory paper has been requisitioned by the government. Strong, stable, and highly absorbent supplies are needed to clean ministers’ elbows.

In a move guaranteed to enrage the vitriolic press, the production of sanitary products has been outsourced to French company Gemerdeo, rather than British firm De La Pue.

LCD Views’ Whiff Of Bullshit correspondent asked Health Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt to explain.

“Once or twice a day, nature takes its course,” said Hunt patiently. “It is properly hygienic to wipe away any residue that adheres to the elbow.”

But surely you have mixed up two completely different bodily parts?

“You must be some kind of traitor to even think of contradicting a government minister!” bellowed Hunt. “Not even the BBC dares to do that any more! This interview is over.”

We sought a second opinion from the MP for Gotham City, Clarke Kent.

“Yes, Gotham City is part of my Rushcliffe constituency,” Kent confirmed. “But I think you are mistaking me for Batman!”

Easy mistake to make. Could you confirm the current lavatory situation in the House of Commons?

“It’s as if everyone has suddenly got those leather patches on their elbows,” said Kent. “It’s all the polishing they are doing with this new bog roll. But you should see the state of the toilet floor!”

It doesn’t bear thinking about. There is quite a stink arising from Westminster these days.

Are the ladies’ facilities any better, we asked MP Abbie Dianott.

“Fans have been installed in the toilets,” said Diannot, removing a clothes peg from her nose. “So that the shi… well, you know the expression. At least my elbows are so shiny you can see your face in them!”

It seems that our representatives are having difficulty distinguishing the affluent from the effluent. Freedom of movement, my arse.

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Downing Street release cabinet photo to prove unity

Downing Street have released a photo this morning of the cabinet, taken during a special emergency meeting that discussed nothing and went all night, to prove they are unified and going in the same direction.

“There is no chance of Amber being forced to resign,” an insider told us, “no matter how much she now resembles a hard, crystallised relic holding dead insects inside that you might dig up in the ground and wonder how the bugs got trapped inside.”

The move will reassure the Home Secretary who is coming under increasing pressure to resign from her position because Ms May is physically incapable of firing anyone for lying or incompetence, especially when the lying and incompetence is the direct result of policies initiated when Ms May was in the position Ms Rudd is now.

“She’d have to fire the whole show ffs,” the source said, “if they were conditions for termination. Lying. Incompetence. It’s modern. What’s the problem? The main aim of modern politics in certain western democracies is to sell people bullshit to believe so tax havens get fatter. It’s how we do it now.”

Speculation that Ms Rudd is only continuing in post because she’s a human shield for the prime minister is flaring across social media.

“May was promoted beyond her abilities as home secretary,” our source said, “I’ve bugger all idea how she’s survived this long as prime minister. Especially with an opposition party determined to root out the red tories and other wrong thinkers in their own ranks. Deselect them! Once they’re purified they’ll come after us and that’ll be grim.”

Asked for a comment on Rudd’s position the prime minister’s office gave us this official statement,

“Amber Rudd will continue as Theresa May’s human shield until she’s so bullet ridden she can’t stand up,” the statement said, “especially as there’s a scandal a week to come now as we build on eight years of neocon greed is good politics while in office.”

Good luck Amber. We don’t mean it. We remember your opening speeches when you took over the Home Office. You were just following orders from the hard right coup leaders I suppose? One by one. Fi Fo Fo Fum.

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Gammon now Britain’s national dish

Move over, roast beef. A recent poll has revealed that the new national dish of Britain, as voted for by you, the people, is gammon. 52% of voters decided that the image of Britain needed to change forever.

The pink, salty substance has increased in popularity over the last few years. Made from the rear end of pigs, the resemblance of social media loudmouths to gammon is startling.

To explain further, we asked celebrity chef Ollie James to put his snout in the trough for us.

We met at James’ latest pop-up restaurant, in this week’s trendy London postcode. Named ‘Propa Geeza’, should you wish to pay a visit, it specialises in what James calls “traditional English grub”.

“Gammon is a truly magnificent meat,” gushed James in broad Mockney. “Think pink! Propa pukka grub, innit? Boil for an hour, cover in honey and breadcrumbs and roast until it falls apart. Luvverly jubbly. Boosh!”

No garlic? we ventured. No jus, no wine, no bizarre ingredients?

“Nah, I leave that to Blooming Hestonthal,” drawled James. “Gammon is tasteless and fatty, and archetypically English. Here, try a bit!”

Customer Pat Riot was enjoying her dinner. “I love me gammon,” she said through a mouthful of meat. “I’ve got the Full English Special, with potatriots and lots of vegetables. I won’t have mustard, not since Colman’s moved to Germany, it ain’t right innit?”

“I pig out here every day,” she continued. “Ollie provides wi-fi so I can keep in touch with other gammon lovers and moan about idiots who won’t touch the stuff. ITS NATRUAL YU DUM F***,,, IF YU DO,,NT LIKE ARE FOOD THEN GO AWAY ITS THAT SIMPLE!!*/!”

A whistleblower has revealed that, during polling, Danish gammon producers paid for social media advertising in an attempt to skew the vote. Copenhagen Analytica have denied the allegations. Telling porkies in order to bring home the bacon? Doesn’t sound fishy at all.

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BBC reveals advancing plans for ‘month of mourning’ when Brexit collapses

The BBC has responded to increasing pressure from Lord Adonis, and pretty much everyone else in the UK who still cares about facts, by saying they have advanced and advancing plans to deal with the inevitable collapse of Brexit.

Apparently centerstage will be a ‘month of mourning’, lead by the cabal of ageing men with nests so well feathered they checked out intellectually from their jobs years ago.

“John Humphrys will shout WHY? WHY?! like a paid mourner for the first week from 6am till 9am every morning.

It will actually comprise the entirety of the Today programme for this first week, with the exception of Nick Robinson taking over Thought for the Day. He’ll tweet this onto Twitter and then block anyone who deconstructs his tweet.

After the first week Nigel Farage will be guest presenter and will sing the sounds of various motorised armoured vehicles from the 1940’s in what has been described as so good it’s insane.

It will all later be available as a high production recording which can be downloaded for free,” producer on Today, S Sands revealed, without revealing any information about that lunch she had with Murdoch, Banks, Fox and other interesting diners and why the BBC management structure is now stuffed to the gills with right wing media figures.

Although she did scribble on a piece of paper, so we’ve been told, ‘I love it when a plan comes together’.

Regarding the Brexit mourning month she was more forthcoming.

“You can have a look at one of the draft scripts, if you like?”

Of course we said yes and readily reproduce the excerpt below.

INT    BROADCASTING HOUSE    MORNING

A row of black, top hats next to a normal office sink. Normal in the sense it is jammed full of UKIP coffee mugs. They all need washing. There is a slug on the topmost one.

But there is one clean mug next to the sink. It has a Union Jack design and it’s sparkling.

JOHN HUMPHRYS stands before the sink.

John Humphrys (angry muttering)

The will of the people. THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE. Remoaners. If it wasn’t for those bloody remoaners.

In his hands he holds copies of The Daily Mail and The Express.

Behind him Nigel Farage leans against the doorframe. He is dishevelled. He looks like he’s been out on a bender with Satan, again.

Nigel Farage

Can I stay at yours after the wake John? Only, she’s kicked me out again. Can’t trust those Europeans. So fussy. It was just a slip up. I said it wouldn’t happen again.

John Humphrys

Not now Nigel. Not now. I’ve got to read out the papers.

John Humphrys pushes past Nigel Farage. He goes shouting,

John Humphrys (voice fading)

THE PEOPLE HAD A FUCKING VOTE. HOW MUCH ARE YOU PAID TO READ OUT THE TABLOIDS PEOPLE? WHAT DO YOU FUCKING KNOW?

Nigel Farage moves to the sink. He unzips his fly and tries to piss onto the mug with the Union Jack. His spray goes everywhere. He doesn’t touch the mug.

He stands there seething.

He swipes the mug off the counter. It ricochets around the kitchen like a bullet in an old western movie.

NIGEL FARAGE’S POV:

The Union Jack mug is flying at his face.

End Scene

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House of Commons game of Where’s Wally scrapped as it is too easy

A planned game of ‘Where’s Wally’ in the House of Commons has had to be scrapped as it was just too easy to find a Wally.

“It was supposed to liven up the atmosphere, as things are a bit down in the mouth lately,” leader of the house for the Conservatives, Andrea Leadsom MP (how?) told LCD Views, before going onto Radio 4 WATO to talk absolute bollocks unchallenged about ditching membership of the customs union.

She came back to us afterwards.

“Everyone is so down these days, we thought, why not put a spin on the classic book series of Where’s Waldo? and try and raise a little bit of money for Boris Johnson and Michael Gove’s potential need for a legal defence fund in the future.

You know, after that Cambridge Analytica scandal plays out fully, just in case they end up caught in it in spite of being completely innocent in everything they do and never, ever lying about anything.

I may add, the CA fuss seems to be ongoing with absolutely no pressure or help from Jeremy Corbyn and the rest of the Labour leadership.

But who cares about a little potential corruption of our democracy by malicious actors when Lexit is on offer, hey? Party before country is the way for us on both sides now. Ideology before common sense. It ain’t so common!”

To make the fundraising possible it was agreed that anyone in the Commons known to be a bit of a wally would put on a beanie hat and take their usual seat.

“Then everyone else had to try and find them,” Andrea explains, “once they were found they would have to donate to the possible defence fund. Anywhere from upwards of £350M a week! It was very enticing.”

But it seems that after all the beanie hats were dished out the chamber was found to be composed of so many Wally’s that the game was pointless.

“When you take in every remain MP that is now supporting Brexit, in spite of knowing it’s a suicide mission to make the 1% richer, and then add in the ERG and the Lexiters and all the MPs too gutless to speak up for truth…

You know those ones, the under the radar type who hope if they just keep their heads down on the subject somehow they’ll emerge unscathed, even though the entire country is set to be bought, sold and stripped of its component parts, before being sold on again. Those ones.”

That’s an awful lot of Wally’s!

“I know. The game was unplayable. Only Ken Clarke, Grieve, Soubry, Chuka (although he could change his positioning any day with the winds, but right now he’s in full remain mode…so…) and some others were found to not be wearing hats.”

Why don’t you turn it about and make the game to find the MPs that aren’t Wally’s?

“Oh my God! We never thought of that,” Leadsom nodded enthusiastically, “just like we never thought creating a toxic set of policies and setting out to make life as miserable as possible for as many vulnerable groups in the country as possible, so as to forment discord and confusion and sow the seeds for Brexit, would ever rebound on us.”

Good luck. You won’t raise as much money spotting the MPs that aren’t Wally’s currently, but at least the game will be playable. By the way, love the beanie.

“Thanks,” Ms Leadsom replied, “I put mine on even before we thought of playing Where’s Wally!”

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Government under pressure to block hate preacher’s planned July visit to UK

Her Majesty’s Government is coming under increasing pressure to block a planned July visit by a famous hate preacher to the United Kingdom.

The man in question, known as David Dennison, aka Pastor Donald Trump, is due to arrive in the United Kingdom on Friday July 13th, but anti-fascist campaigners and other groups like, ‘Anyone with a sense of decency’, are said to be planning mass public protests to make the hate preacher certain what they believe of his views.

“It’s shocking that he’s leaving his church to travel to Britain in the first place,” an equality campaigner told LCD Views, “he normally only leaves his safe space, known as the golf course, to go to the toilet and tweet his insane belief system to the world about 5am every morning. The number of tweets believed to be dependent on how constipated he is from a diet of only cheeseburgers, fizzy pop, Fox News and staring at himself in the mirror.”

The insane belief system is known to involve a moveable feast of the worst of human nature from KKK and white supremacy, to legitimising sexual assault by being elected to the most important office of state on Earth, most likely thanks to assistance from organised crime figures, to encouraging racism, sexism and other forms of prejudice as a means to an end for personal profit.

Essentially he harnesses the energies of dispossessed socio-demographic groups in American society, while having zero intention of doing anything to assist them. It’s why he called himself Mr Brexit, although it could also be because of the presumed Kremlin interference in both the UK EUref and the last US presidential election.

“I guess it makes sense that he’s traveling now,” the campaigner added, “his views are so extreme, the dirty money trails swirling around him becoming so clear, it’s likely he won’t be traveling anywhere apart from a holding pen to the courthouse before the year is out.”

But why has the UK government failed to block his visit, when the potential damage to anyone close to the preacher is certain?

“Are you kidding?” a spokesman for the office of the prime minister told us, “Thames Water are terrified of what will happen if they block the visit. The sheer volume of stored urine that would be poured into the sewers of London alone is judged sufficient to overwhelm the network and flood the city.”

Public safety is clearly a concern.

“Also, it’s highly likely that Theresa May won’t still be prime minister when David Dennison lands on the UK’s shores,” they added, “so she’s basically setting up a nightmarish diplomatic trap for whoever follows her. To cancel the visa or not to cancel? It’s a nice up yours to the Queen too. May is still trying to work out how to pay her back for that EU hat. So it will give her something to smile about as she listens to her husband count their money as her PA organises to get her on the well paid after dinner speaking circuit.”

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Opening of Schrodinger’s Brexit box reveals dead cat

The government was under renewed pressure regarding its preparation for Brexit today after leaked papers revealed opening of Schrodinger’s Brexit box revealed a dead cat inside.

”It was ripe too,” a junior minister at DExEU told LCD Views, “I was personally against opening the box. The mystery was better. We had endless seamless and imaginative possibilities before us just so long as we had no grasp or knowledge of measurable reality.”

But it appears pressure from the Japanese over customs arrangements going forward forced the government’s hand.

”That’s not actually true. They have opened the box once before. David Davis and Theresa May opened the sacred box on Bodmin Moor shortly after establishing DExEU expecting to find essentially a treasure map to trading with the world and cake.”

What did they find instead?

”A very healthy cat with a very unique pattern. Blue fur with gold star patterns sitting on a pile of old newspaper cuttings from the first fifty years of the 20th century. It miaowed at them and rubbed its cheek against the edge of the box, singling a desire for a pat.”

What did they do?

”They were so horrified they closed the box and nailed it shut. I expect the cat suffocated sometime after that.”

But how had the cat survived that long?

”Probably because it hadn’t looked at Theresa May? We’re not sure. That’s a mystery.”

So why open it again now?

”They need answers and powerful ones and they need it fast. But it’s a dead cat in a box on a table now. Day after day. That’s all.”

Maybe they could learn something by studying the old newspapers?

”Now you’re just being silly,” the aide snorted, “not a single Brexiter is capable of learning anything from history.”