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Macedonia votes to change name to United Kingdom

The “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” (FYROM) has voted in a national referendum to change its name to The United Kingdom.

The vote, held Sunday recorded a turnout of 78%, of whom 83% voted in favour of the surprise change.

The referendum was held with the aim of bringing an end to more than 20 years of uncertainty caused by Greece’s refusal to recognise the name “Macedonia” which it regards as indicating territorial ambitions against its northern province of Macedonia.

A dispute which has prevented Macedonia from progressing with its aims to join both the European union and NATO.

“By adopting the name of a soon to be former member we can slip in through the back door while the “Former United Kingdom A La London” (FUK ALL) gets bounced out of the front door by Junckers and Tusk,” laughed Macedonian Prime Minister Alexander Da Great.

Da Great confirmed that his government had sought and obtained permission from the European Commission for the change.

“They’re well up for it – means they won’t have to change the stationery or the Internet site, while we get all the EU grants and subsidies the idiots over at Brexit have turned their noses up at,” he smirked.

Responding to questions from reporters as to whether Macedonia – as unitary state and  former communist republic, had any logical right to call itself a “United kingdom,”, Da Great was unapologetic.

“Anyone who thinks the UK is in any way “United” clearly doesn’t read the news, and it demonstrably hasn’t been a Kingdom since 1952,” he pointed out, adding:

“Unless of course their Queen is really bloke in a dress!”

A spokesman for the European commission confirmed that there would be no barrier to Macedonia joining the EU under the name United Kingdom, but London would need to take steps if it wants to continue a trading relationship with the 28 state union.

“They’ll need to decide on a new name, unless they want to continue to be known by the same name as they’ll be getting from us – “FUK ALL“,” he smirked.

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Britain forges ahead as Brexit sees boom in Brits with fake EU27 birth certificates

“Britain is forging ahead with Brexit,” Liz Truss, who landed with the other aliens in V, will tell a rapt Tory Conference hall later today, “and Britons are forging ahead in other areas too.”

At this precise moment we can expect her to pause pregnantly, stare vacantly ahead, letting the tension rise, before cutting it with a brick.

”For too long Britons have turned to other countries to fulfill our need for counterfeit goods, such as fake cheese, replica pork, which is a shame!”

Another pause, full of puppies in a sack all squirming for release. She will inhale, raise a clenched fist and go on,

”Well no more! Only by grasping the opportunities presented by Brexit can this great country produce all its own moody goods at home.”

Yet another dramatic pause. Absence of visible thought to provoke anticipation in her audience.

”Take fake birth certificates? If you don’t have the roughly £750K required to buy yourself a burgundy passport to retain F O M after B R E X I T, then it’ll be perfectly easy to pop down to your local food bank and see Big Harry around the back and arrange for the birth certificate of the country of your choice.”

Apparently with modern, portable, digital printing methods Big Harry will knock you out a Belgium or a German, or heaven forbid, a French birth certificate in seconds for a reasonable fee payable in used bank notes or bitcoin.

”After you have the certificate simply send it to the Home Office and request settled status and one of our award winning enforcement vans will have you on the other side of the channel faster than you can say get some pork on your fork.”

Britain is forging ahead with Brexit and Britons are forging a new future outside of Brexitannia. It’s a boom indiusty of today and tomorrow.

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May to begin conference speech with “I’m not a racist, but”

Theresa May is well positioned to trump Boris Johnson’s big speech of yesterday when she begins her second last major addition to British oratory with the well worn classic turn “I’m not a racist, but”.

The penultimate prime minister of the United Kingdom will take the stage later today in front of letters welded to a backdrop that in the words of the designers are “strong enough to survive a nuclear blast, but maybe not the corrosive atmosphere in the conference hall, so she better talk fast.”

It’s rumoured she will also be carrying her own P45, but that is just standard, as every day she wakes up expecting to need it.

”She’s really going to stuff Boris with I’m not a racist, but, it’s the truth of course and it will hit home in the hall. Especially with the young battalion of future Tory MPs there. They’ve learned to say it with their mother’s milk.”

To underline her creditionals she will further explain her new immigration scheme.

”People smuggling. We are going to boost that astronomically as landed born to rule types import their domestic workers illegally after Brexit. Best of all you won’t even have to pay them minimum wage as they’ll be hiding from the Home Office special police all the time.”

In addition to this exciting development the Prime Minister will also promise and extension to the hostile environment policies to embrace anyone not born in a Home county.

”The go home vans are coming back too, well, assuming we can get enough proper British people out of the ration queues with the strength to drive them.”

Opportunity, but. Modern conservatism.

”And given the official opposition has also pledged to leave the single market, the overwhelming majority of voters get to be chorus.”

Now all together Global Britain, this is our government, in one voice say, I’m not a racist, but. 

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Send your child’s dreams up in smoke – DWP release chimney sweep work app for kids

Esther McVey blew them away today at the 2018 Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham with the  release of ‘Youth Sweep’, a smart phone based app that will ensure every child has work, no matter how disasterous the post Brexit world is.

Esther agreed to speak only to LCD Views after the release of the app, WHICH WORKS, an honour we felt keenly.

”Do you have any children?” Esther began the interview, “and if so, are they at school or are they adding to the vital output of Brexitannia by working?”

We had to admit they were currently at school.

”I’ll soon see to that. Working with the Chancellor and our colleagues in the department of Education we are going to make state education so expensive, by way of endless parental top ups, that you’ll soon have to choose which child to educate and which to send out to work. Well, if you want to eat in the post Brexit inflation driven food shortage crisis that is.”

Maybe we could educate one and eat the other? Two birds with one stone?

”Oh, have you been talking to Gove? Do you know if he’s backing Boris or Jacob?”

We couldn’t say. We suspect he’s telling everyone he’s backing them. But let’s hear more about this exciting app?

”See chimney? Well, stuff a child up it. That’s my motto.”

Send your child’s dreams up in smoke?

”That’s why we get up in the morning, we modern Conservatives, so completely corrupted by greed and a mixture of American neocon and Russian kleptocrat cash!”

You are certainly making great strides!

”But there is one important restriction on who can download and find work with the Youth Sweep app.”

And that is?

”Any family rich enough to buy their children an EU27 burgundy passport to go with their British blue will not be allowed to take jobs from the poor.”

That’s very kind of you.

”Full child employment and zero education, that’s my motto!”

You certainly have a lot of mottos.

”I do. Now, have you got any Dalmatian puppies?”

How many do you need?

”101 ought to do!”

Download ‘Youth Sweep’ today, get your child prepared for the employment of tomorrow.

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UK playing version of Russian Roulette in which the gun has six bullets

Play up! Play up! And play the game! Long game, or game for a laugh? It’s just not cricket.

And where games are being played, gambling is not far behind. Are there long odds on the long game? You bet.

Theresa May is prevaricating about the bush, filibustering the best she can. Playing for time. When the final whistle goes, at 11pm on 29 March, 2019, if neither side emerges victorious, then we go to a shoot-out.

This is the way it will work. On the principle of Russian Roulette, there will be a revolver. This gun will, unusually, contain a full quotient of six bullets instead of the usual single bullet.

The team captains will take it in turns to point the loaded weapon at their temple, and pull the trigger. Last man standing wins.

This much we already know: Theresa May has successfully negotiated for the UK to take the initial shot. Britain First, she insisted.

May is going for the big win. She will shoot, presumably score, and by winning the game, she will lose.

This most pyrrhic of victories will be celebrated back home. Already plans are in place to mark the occasion with a massive festival. In true Brexit fashion, the party will most likely resemble a wake.

This is what being British is all about. Snatching glorious defeat from the jaws of victory, and boasting that it was deliberate, and even heroic. That’s the Dunkirk spirit!

The soundtrack will be provided by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. When two tribes go to war, one is all that two can score. May and Barnier will reprise the Gorbachev and Reagan roles of the 80s nuclear willy-waving years.

The starting pistol has been fired. The UK is still in the blocks, wondering which way to run. Our leaders have put a gun against their own heads.

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Government confirms it expects to pay for 2022 Brexit Festival from EU emergency financial aid

“The ECB has already set aside the £120M as part of its emergency financial aid contingency for all things Brexit,” Gavin Williamson, the smallest man in a government of exceptionally small men, told LCD Views, “because they need to give us their money more than we need them.”

Quite why the English Cricket Board has been tasked with securing funding for the Brexit festival in 2022 isn’t clear, but we assume it’s patriotism.

“THEY DIDNAE HAVE A CHOICE!” Williamson explained, calmly, trying on an accent, “I said you give us the funding fanny boy or I’ll go feckin’ Begbie on ya.”

He also has a spider. It’s in a box.

”I also have a spider. It’s too dangerous for me to touch so I KEEP IT IN A BOX.”

That makes him hard.

”It gets me HARD.”

Proper timber.

We took these revelations to the EU to see what they made of them.

”It’s the kind of plucky, self reliance we expect from a Global Britain,” Donald Tusk responded on behalf of the EU27, “but just to be sure we are already setting aside a bail out fund.”

So the EU will pay for the Brexit festival even if the ECB can’t?

”We are going to have our own Brexit festival,” Tusk smiled, “and we’re not waiting for the one hundred year celebration of the partition of the island of Ireland to do it. We’re holding it on the 1st April 2019.”

But why the rush, it’s unseemly, it undermines your negotiating hand at a crucial stage.

”We’ve a lot to celebrate.”

What?

”Finally, all those fascist English Tories and deluded Lexiters stuck in their time warp will have had to f c u k off.”

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May to tell Conference we’re only doing Brexit because Germany invaded Poland

The Basil Fawlty of European politics, Theresa May, is to tell the Conservative Party Conference “we’re only doing Brexit because Germany invaded Poland” later today.

”It’s an olive branch,” Jeremy Hunt, Foreign Secretary, told LCD Views as he was taking a cold shower following his own respect heavy address to the troops.

”We’ve got to butter them up so they don’t force us to make them pay for not allowing us to use the gym after we cancel our membership.”

It’s believed May will give her speech dressed as a spitfire pilot.

”She’s watched that film, what’s it called? The one about British fighter pilots in the Boer War? She’s watched that a lot. She’s even got the same mask and goggles etc that Tom Hardy wore when he played Bane. Total preparation for the role. But you know what they say, if you prepare to fail you will. We’ve done an awful lot of prep. Pass me the shampoo will you?”

But the choice of outfit has drawn criticisms from an unexpected source.

”Yes I voted for Brexit,” John Cleese told LCD Views, “like many extremely wealthy old white British men living in a California for decades, I know what is best for the Empire. But to dress like a spitfire pilot? And not Basil Fawlty? It will send mixed messsges.”

Quite how one of the kings of mocking the pretensions of British imperial nostalgia has travelled to a place of being a Brexiter is anyone’s guess. It certainly made our office incredibly sad. A hero fallen. But anyway…

”At least Merkel will know who to blame when she looks in the mirror after May’s speech,” Hunt carried on, “we’ve shown the EU nothing but respect during these negotiations. From comparing them to Nazi’s, to Soviet Russia, to threatening not to pay up our agreed financial obligations, the only thing left now is to hammer them into submission with self deluded jingoism.”

Amd we’re going to make a success of it.

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Child psychologist advises EU27 to ignore Tory ministers acting out at Con Conference

A world famous child psychologist has advised the EU27 group of countries to ignore Conservative Party ministers acting out at the ongoing professional Con Artists Conference in Birmingham this week.

”They think only their immediate family is looking at them,” Dr Brit People told the EU27, “they’re used to being indulged and getting what they want. To be told no is very hard for them to process after so much spoiling. Thus, they are acting out in an attempt to force their will across the entire family. Give me what I want to shut me up. If you don’t give me what I want I’ll make your life hell. It’s painfully embarrassing. Our entire family is going to have to apologise for a long time. The longer this goes on? The more the spoilt brat is exposed in a broader social sphere? Pretty grisly.”

But isn’t the behaviour also a cry for help?

”You mean because the child has gotten itself stuck after doing something it was told not to do? And is now doubling down in the hope that just getting it to stop will take precedence over the bad behaviour?”

Something like that.

”Sometimes yes. But all children need to feel certain they understand where their boundaries are. This gives security. If the boundary is uncertain a child will behave badly to have the boundary become visible, and thus return to a state of balance. Mother is watching, the tiger hidden in the long grass won’t get me, because mother is watching.”

But what if the child has only ever had a nanny? Say, someone like Jacob Rees-mogg who famously has kept the nanny into adulthood?

”Similar principle. Although there maybe a deeper insecurity to do with who actually gives a shit about me really, formed in the early years, in the case of JRM. The age of that particular child now? I wouldn’t hope for reform. Best to just exclude from school to spare the other big kids further corruption.”

So Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s outburst, in which he likened the EU to the Soviet Union?

”Oh that, that’s just because Jeremy Hunt is a…um…how do you say?”

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No Deal Brexit risks dead killed by austerity rising and walking again, warns undertaker

“A No Deal Brexit risks the dead killed by austerity rising and walking again,” warned Phillip Hammer Them Hammond, UK’s head undertaker, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views today.

”We didn’t drive people mad, sad and bad with eight years of punish the poor, right wing, misguided financial punishment, so we didn’t have to go after our friends the casino bankers and tax dodgers,  just to ruin it all now by turning the people we drove into an early grave into a battalion of Lazarus.”

The Undertaker paused, smiled, perhaps wistfully for the early years.

”I remember how my heart sang when George Osborne began shaming the poor, the unemployed, the curtain twitchers. Let’s give them communal shame. That’ll improve the stats.”

He suddenly cupped his hands, as if waiting to catch rain drops.

”The bedroom tax was a master stroke. People with more spare rooms than they could count on both hands taking away box rooms from families in social housing. Just evil genius. Got to clear the slums so you can gentrify and sell untapped inner London suburbs to overseas investors. Think of the short term gains!”

He rubbed his hands over his face. Supplication before an inner God.

”And inheritance millionaires privatising alcohol and drug rehabilitation services. Every misery now an avenue to funnel wealth from the needy to the hidden coffers of the wealthy. It was orgiastic. Dance for your God! Dance!”

But now?

”Now the spectre of a No Deal Brexit risks all of this. The overgrown mounds on the graves of the people we’ve destroyed with ATOS and universal credit opening with hands from in the earth, the spiralling ash clouds from the incendiary cremation fires, spinning in reverse from the sky and reforming the unwanted we drove out, all of them to walk again because of a No Deal Brexit.”

It will not do.

“It will not do. You don’t do all that to transfer wealth up in a flood, not a trickle, just to watch Brexit capital flight ruin my beautiful tables of numbers. No Deal Brexit risks us having to raise a penny of tax on wealth to fund MPs next payraises.”

It will not do!

”It will not do,” he shook his head and made a wringing motion with his hands as if throttling a dread.

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Woman puzzled after friends refuse to give her their new mobile phone numbers

A woman already suffering from a deep sense of self inflicted isolation has been left further troubled after all her friends changed their mobile phone numbers at once, and none gave her their new one.

”It’s her work colleagues too,” an aide to the woman told LCD Views, “every single Tom, Dick, Priti, Amber and Harry of them has changed their numbers.”

It’s said the woman in question is baffled as to why, but fears it is a coordinated attempt to undermine her at work.

”She’s your classic middle manager, rungs down in the Murdoch empire and unlikely to rise further. She takes out her frustrated ambitions on all beneath her,” the aide went on, “she’s bloody awful to work for. Won’t listen. Always coming up with half baked, nonsensical new pathways and insisting you action them, when they’ve clearly got buckley’s. It’s no surprise she’s been hit with a large scale, passive aggressive act of constructive dismissal.”

Quite what she intends to do about it is not clear, but it’s believed it will only make the atmosphere at work worse.

”She’s not the only one actually,” the aide continued, “a big blonde man who used to work with her can’t get anyone’s new number either.”

And how is he reacting to it?

”Apparently he’s barely aware. He keeps phoning the old numbers and blathering on regardless. I don’t really see what all the fuss is about, it’s not like either of them ever listen to a damn thing anyone says to them.”