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Makers of “Life of Jeremy” deny it’s just “Life of Brian” digitally altered to slap JC’s face in every scene

The makers of ‘Life of Jeremy’, the long anticipated sequel to Monty Python’s smash hit, ‘Life of Brian’ have denied it’s just the “Life of Brian” digitally altered to put Jeremy Corbyn’s face on top of Graham Chapman’s in every scene of the original.

“It’s an entirely original work,” Mr Red Squeak, who fronts one of the dozens of separate digital media outfits set up to promote the cult of JC, said while attempting to appear independent.

”It’s a bold biopic of the life of a man who goes from a nobody, who can pretty much hang out with anyone because no one cares, to someone suddenly headed for a very public crucifixion.”

But film buffs are taking some convincing.

”The film’s tag line is a bit of a giveaway,” Mr Probably A-Tory Stooge said, “He is the messiah and he’s not a naughty boy? What are you supposed to make of that?”

Make of it what you will, we figured. You don’t need to follow him, You don’t need to follow anybody! You’ve got to think for yourselves! You’ve all got to vote in line with your principles as you live in a democracy. For a little bit longer anyway, until Brexit demolishes the whole show. And who is supporting Brexit?

”It’s transparently just an attempt at propaganda,” the film buff added, “it’s clearly Jeremy Corbyn. You’ve got a moderately talented man who has has initiated no successful legislation in thirty five years in parliament, suddenly caught up in events he doesn’t have the skills to navigate, by virtue of being promoted beyond his level of competency, which is Westminster in a nutshell at the moment,

”But millions are prepared to unquestioningly follow him. And to round on anyone who questions his decisions,

”That’s until he’s set up, nailed up to a metaphorical cross and publicly crucified. And the group he thinks are coming to save him are just a suicide squad publicly committing suicide under his feet. Which pretty much sums up the campaigning style of his strongest supporters.”

Still, the film is set for national release, timed to coincide with the late 2018 GE.

”They should at least change the tag line,” the film buff added.

What to?

”How about he’s not an anti-Semite, he’s a very naughty boy?”

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Man shows compassionate side by laying wreath

Pictures have come to light recently of a man laying a wreath on the grave of a murderer. According to the press, this shows his compassionate side.

“The man wished to remain anonymous,” explained Miss Leigh Ding of the Daily Mail. “But we thought it right and proper to let the public know what sort of man they had to contend with.”

Surely, laying a wreath at a murderer’s grave means that the man is a terrorist sympathiser, and not fit to hold public office?

“But the murderer repented,” argued Ding. “Forgiveness is the highest virtue. This shows that the man has such a big heart, it makes me weep with pure joy.”

This happened four years ago, it’s hardly newsworthy.

“The public need to be reminded, daily, about this man’s character,” Ding scolded. “How else will they respond to the man in the right fashion?”

Let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment. Imagine that the man in the cemetery had been Jeremy Corbyn.

“He always has sinister motives,” responded Ding without thinking. “He would have been there to celebrate terrorism, and we would have shouted about it in a self-righteous manner. It’s in our editorial guidelines.”

What else do they say?

“They are Orwellian in their simplicity,” she said. “Right wing good, left wing bad. You do know that sinister means left, don’t you? And right means correct?”

Does this explain your rabid pro-Brexit reporting too?

“Naturally,” she replied. “Brexit is a far right policy. That means it must be very right indeed. Anything anti-Brexit must therefore be very wrong. It’s that simple!”

Even if the referendum was fraudulent? Even if Brexit is based on lies and fantasies? Even if the likes of Boris Johnson flout the rules and behave disgracefully?

“Of course. Brexit is right, and right means right. Hey, you sound a bit anti-Brexity now! Out, damned traitor! Enemy of the people! Saboteur!”

The compassionate man is taking Corbyn to court to answer charges of treason. The Daily Mail will act as judge, jury and executioner.

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Back on! MAGA! Donald Trump’s cancelled military parade to be held in Moscow’s Red Square

Great news for true American potatriots  with the announcement by the Kremlin that Deputy President Donald Trump’s cancelled military parade is to be held in Moscow’s Red Square!

Speaking on the White House lawn today, Trump’s Russian handler made the announcement in front of a bussed in crowd of KKK members and assorted racists who don’t even know they’re being played by an international clique of neocon kleptocrats and assorted fascists. And if they do know, well, I don’t suppose reminding them we had a whole world war about this, and everyone was invited, will do much good.

”Following the disgraceful cancellation of esteemed Russian stooge, Donald Trump’s, glorious military parade by traitor Robert Mueller, Vladimir Putin has decided to continue to make America grate.”

The parade will be timed with the entire Trump family’s flight to Russia to claim political asylum, one day before the special prosecutor finally tears up the turf of Trump’s money laundering empire to expose just how many god damned roubles he’s into the Kremlin for.

”We are going to have just the greatest parade ever held in Moscow for an American President,” the handler reassured, “just the greatest parade. So, so big. We’ve got the biggest cardboard missiles for Mr Trump to lead across the square. Just the greatest. MAGA! Lock her up! Fake news! Get me a cheeseburger now!”

Rumours that North Korea had also offered to hold the parade have been denied, but are probably true.

Deputy President Donald Trump couldn’t be contacted for comment. He was in the toilet, with an unsecured mobile phone, tweeting insanities for future historians to puzzle over, if there’s still a liveable planet left for them to puzzle on after Trump and all the other sociopathic climate change denying pricks are finished with it.

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All U.K. road and motorway signs to be removed ahead of Brexit

The government has announced today that all United Kingdom road and motorway signs will be removed ahead of Brexit.

”The Highways Authority is to be renamed the Low-ways Always Authority too,” a spokesandroid-alien-face/flesh/soul-intestinal gestating alien parasite that will kill your damn dog first and then the rest of you, speaking on behalf of Downing Street, told LCD Views, “because that’s how we roll now.”

The DVSA has also been ordered to redraft the driving theory and hazard perception test to just be one multiple choice question now in the written part,

”You are veering off a perfectly good road into a ditch, do you, a) close your eyes and hope for the best b) scream will of the people at any passengers c) accelerate or d) wait until your car is airborne before leaping out and trying to remember to roll when you hit?”

And the filmed hazard perception test will now involve physically immersing all individuals taking the test in an actual tank full of sharks that haven’t eaten for a month.

”To pass the test candidates will have to accurately identify the fascist symbol tattooed onto the nose of the shark that rips their head off.”

To make sure all drivers are fully up to date everyone holding a current U.K. driving license will have to re-sit the exam ahead of Brexit.

”We’ve further plans to legally require anyone still capable of driving in the U.K. after the revised test to wear a blindfold, while driving on the roads with no signs or markings present. Oh, and we’re installing fog machines everywhere which will operate 24/7. This will give employers large and small clarity.”

What about the recent memo leak that suggests new potholes will be especially created on every sealed surface in the country?

”Oh, that’s not a leak, we’ve been doing that for over two years.”

Happy motoring U.K.

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Sturgeon denies EU funding received as work begins on the Caledonian Canal

President Nicola Sturgeon of Scotland was on the back foot today, forced to deny allegations that EU funding has been received by Holyrood, as work began on the Caledonian Canal.

The CC, as it’s been nicknamed, will stretch across the mainland of Britannia and is being built to make it easier for Irish Ferries headed for EU markets to cut England, or Brexitannia, out of shipping lines post March 2019.

”Who said anything about building a canal?” Ms Sturgeon hit back at reports she was funding the project with English money stolen by the EU, and given back to Scotland for the express purpose of building the CC.

Ms Sturgeon was speaking to reporters in the middle of a field that just happened to have the Anglo-Scottish border bisecting it.

”Even if we were to propose to build a canal to allow water from the North and Irish seas to mingle and cut Scotland physically off from the cockwombling shits down in Westminster, it certainly wouldn’t begin until after Indyref2,” she added, shovel clenched in hand.

Then shovel to the grass.

Then boot on top of shovel blade.

“Let me reiterate,” she said, pushing the shovel into the ground, “We’re not planning on building a canal to physically separate Scotland from the fucking Tories and Little Englanders and all those gullible Brexiter English nationalists who are going to drown in their own bile, mostly because they won’t have anything else to eat soon.”

The CC, official named ‘The Caledonian Canal’ in documents freely accessible on the EU Commissions website, is to stretch from just south of Berwick to just underneath Gretna.

The annexing of Berwick by the newly created Independent Scottish Republic of Scotland is not expected to cause tension with England though. We asked an expert why,

”I doubt anyone in England who doesn’t live in the northeast of England has the foggiest idea where the border is anyway,” said an expert.

But even though the Labour and Conservative Parties have seemingly missed this major development, resulting from their leadership’s support of Brexit, and the resulting attempts to out racist one another to give the voters a policy choice different to Brexit, someone has been paying attention.

”Let me correct you,” our expert added, “it’s someones. Millions of pro-EU English residents have been crowdfunding the CC well before the EU got involved.”

Work on the CC is expected to be completed by early March 2019 and refugees fleeing the hard right, fascist republic of the tax haven, Little England Brexitannia, will be welcome to cross it and settle in the Scottish Republic, bringing their skills, children, assets and internationalist mindset with them.

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Terrorists planning to use plastic bottles to float across the channel warns UKIP

Illegal immigrants, economic migrants and terrorists may be planning to use un-recycled plastic bottles to make boats to float across the English Channel, according to a warning issued Friday by the United Kingdom Independence party, better known by its acronym, UKIP. 

Speaking to reporters outside UKIP headquarters ISIS House, Thingummy Whatsisname-Doobry, or whoever may or may not be UKIP leader this week (Couldn’t be arsed googling and by the time you do he/she will have changed anyway…) explained that the careless disposal of plastic bottles on UK beaches was putting the country in grave danger of attack by environmentally minded green leaning terror groups.

“The bottles float across the channel, to the jungles of northern France where less than 100 of them tied together makes an unsinkable floatation device that could be used by Muslamic radicals to float across the channel and launch an attack on our saintly green and pleasant land,” he said (…or she, let’s face it, who cares…) explaining that there is a clear link between environmentalists and radical Islam.

“It’s no coincidence they call themselves “GREENS”, it’s the historic colour of Islam, representing the lush vegetation of Paradise” snarled Whatsisname-Doobry, explaining that under no circumstances should this “Paradise” be confused with “England’s GREEN and Pleasant land”.

It was this risk of GREEN terrorism, he explained, that had led UKIP to denounce the recycling of plastic bottles as TERRORISM, and to back a more traditional solution to the problem.

“Bottle banks for plastic bottles, are an open invitation to water bound migratory terrorism – like giving a child a sweetshop and telling them there’s no such thing as dentists,” he (or she…) warned.

For that reason Whatsisname-Doobry explained, instead of recycling, UKIP was backing the revival of the traditional English tradition of stabbing a hole in the bottom.

“Generations of British children have religiously shoved their spoons through the bottom of their hard boiled egg shells to prevent them being used by witches as sailing craft to attack and sink our brave ships,” he (she or indeed it…about time UKIP recognised gender plurality..) roared, pointing out that the loss of shipping to maritime Wiccan subversion has long been close to zero.

“A plastic bottle with a hole in won’t float and can be safely discarded on any beach without fear of it being re-employed for migratory floatation,” he smiled.

“And if that doesn’t solve the problem, you can always just eat them – after all, there won’t be much else to eat after Brexit,” he warned.

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Cosmologists discover ancient galaxy in Michael Gove’s pocket

Cosmologists Friday announced the surprise discovery of what is believed to be one of the most ancient galaxies, hidden in the lining of Michael Gove’s jacket pocket

“It was quite bent and there was a cloud of cosmic fluff adhering to the bitten end but it was definitely a Galaxy,” said BBC cosmology presenter Dr Brian Cox explaining that it’s currently unclear whether the Galaxy is one that had slipped through a wormhole in the fabric of space time, or had just slipped through the fabric of his jacket pocket.

“Obviously he’s Scottish but that’s no reason to suggest that the demented, tight arsed tw*t had deliberately hidden it there in order to avoid sharing with his cabinet colleagues who don’t share his support for a rigidly hard and unbending Brexit,” he explained.

Cox went on (and let’s face it, he does rather..), explaining that the eccentric, non-planar trajectory of Gove’s unusual political career, suggests a personality that is completely out of kilter with reality.

“Or possibly out of a kilt,” he said, explaining that even using their most sensitive instruments scientists at Jodrell bank have been unable to detect any grain of truth in anything he’s ever said.

“It’s quite uncanny, he orbits in such fanatical right wing circles that we fear that he’s drifted ideologically beyond the orbit of Saturn,” explained Cox, adding that he had made efforts to warn Gove but to no effect.

“I shouted to him, ‘ Michael our radio telescope suggests that you’re talking from Uranus’ but he didn’t reply,” said Cox sadly suggesting that the problem could be due to the sheer eccentricity of his orbit which could indicate that he has already morphed into a “TNO”.

“A Trans Normality Object, it’s a technical term we cosmologists use to describe any bloke in a skirt insistent on exiting not just the European Union but also the Solar System, and quite possibly the known universe,” he laughed, adding that if that was the case, the only hope of a return to front line politics would be through a worm hole.

“But our observations indicate the only one suitable is already blocked up by Boris Johnson, who’s just too fat to squeeze through,” he said.

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Brexit Goldbuyers open first high street store

Brexit Goldbuyers have announced the opening of their first high street store, promising to turn your unused wedding bands into dough.

”What is that cold bit of metal doing just sitting on your finger?” Steve Baker MP (Asset on Strip – Conservative, well, really UKIP) demanded as he stood with a giant pair of scissors, ready to cut the ribbon (UKIP colours) on the first store.

”You shouldn’t be feeling guilt over the empty plates on your dining table, when the solution is here now today. Turn that poor person’s low carat ring into dough!”

Snip went the scissors! And the purple and gold ribbon  didn’t part. Baker tried again. And again.

Baker put the scissors down and attempted to rip the ribbon, casually.

It wouldn’t rip. He gave it up.

”It looks like this ring was made by enemies of the people!” He laughed, by himself.

”But all our bread rolls are made of 100% British exceptionalism and Brexit Goldbuyers promises you, the hungry public, the weight in bread of your unnecessary finger trinket today!”

The excitement on the high street over, we phoned up Kamal, BBC news editor, for comment on this exciting high street move.

”Brexit Goldbuyers promise to revitalise the British high street which has been hammered by EU reluctance to tackle the large scale tax avoidance of giant digital retailers and the high rate of business rates Junker orders HMG to charge hardworking mum and dad shopkeepers in the U.K.”

It seemed he was just reading out an ERG press release.

”With Project Fear ramping up again by way of irresponsible stories about threats to food supplies post Brexit, Steve Baker and his ERG friends, are offering a unique, but traditional way for hungry British families to put bread in their mouths, not just from March 30th 2019, but today.”

This is fantastic news. It seems Steve Baker is baking up a steal! Get down there before the bread rolls roll away!

As to what Brexit Goldbuyers intend to do with the gold they kindly take off your fingers, you can be sure neither the BBC in its current form, or the majority of right wing owned print media in the U.K. will do diddly squat to find out.

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Chris Grayling positions himself to be the next PM

Transport Secretary and all-round good egg-head Chris Grayling wants to be the next Prime Minister. He is, he claims, ideally qualified.

“My record speaks for itself,” he crowed to LCD Views, strictly on the record. “Thanks to me, the railways are less efficient and more expensive. There is less legal aid, and prisons are more dangerous. I am a less competent leader than Theresa May, or even Jeremy Corbyn. Less is more, dear chap, less is more. More or less.”

So, to clarify: do you mean more, or less?

“More. Or less,” explained Grayling. “It’s the same thing. I can’t give you clarity. These are exciting times, and everything will turn out just fine!”

Turning to the business of movement of goods after Brexit, which is in your remit, what are you going to do about the chronic lack of space and underinvestment at Dover?

“Yes, I’ve been asked for clarity about it,” he admitted. “Well, they won’t be getting it from me! You can’t shift the cliffs, anyway that would be Michael Gove’s responsibility. Underinvestment is a nasty little phrase. It simply means, we are spending less money, and that must be a good thing. Less is more!”

What about the potential 13 mile queues on the M20?

“Not my problem,” he answered. “Most of the time the M20 is empty, so it seems like a good use of resources to me.”

And what if you ever needed to travel to Dover yourself, and got caught in the traffic? Or would you go by train?

“Good God, no!” he exclaimed. “The trains are f*cking sh*t, we only keep them to milk them for all they are worth! Who wants to go to Dover anyway?”

Back to your leadership bid. Isn’t this just a little April Fool’s Day joke?

“Ha ha! I’ve been called God’s Little April Fool myself!” he laughed. “Except my birthday is actually May the first. May Day. I mean, of course it’s April the first really, but you don’t want anyone to know that sort of thing!”

Is there anyone more (or less) suitable for the job? Less is more. Mayday. MAYDAY!

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Donald Trump denies revoking Vladimir Putin’s Whitehouse security clearance

Widespread relief today at the confirmation that President Donald Trump has denied revoking President Vladimir Putin’s Whitehouse security clearance.

”FAKE KNEWS!!!,!!!” 45 wrote on Twitter, during his morning toilet meeting with himself, “The lieing MSM wants you to beleive there is love lost between myself and my GOOD FIEND Mister PUT-IN. It is a lye. There is no love lost. NON.”

It was a timely rebuttal that settled nerves in the world’s diplomatic circles after nocturnal reports that Mr Trump had indeed revoked Mr Putin’s security clearance.

”Mister President Putin is still welcome to enter the Whitehouse and walk straight into the Oval Office whenever he pleases,” Sarah Huckabee confirmed, while not taking questions from the press,

“and if he can’t personally attend a meeting with Donald then any of the high level spies, informants or honey trap agents in his employ are welcome in his place,

”And if they are unable to personally promote Mr Putin’s agenda with our President than the unsecured mobile phones he uses can still be activated as listening devices. No one has anything to fear.”

Welcome clarification.

”Every former high ranking, and many serving top level US intelligence agents and administrative officials are banned on security grounds, but, and this is very important, Mr Putin is not, and never will be, on that list. You can not just bad mouth Donald’s paymaster and expect to waltz around the halls of power any longer.”

Not if 45 has anything to say about it.

”And this is nothing to do with any pee tapes. We know Trump’s base will just lap those up anyway. It’s to do with rewarding loyalty to your friends.”

And not your country?

”God Save The Security Clearance.”