LCD Views

Illegal immigrants, economic migrants and terrorists may be planning to use un-recycled plastic bottles to make boats to float across the English Channel, according to a warning issued Friday by the United Kingdom Independence party, better known by its acronym, UKIP. 

Speaking to reporters outside UKIP headquarters ISIS House, Thingummy Whatsisname-Doobry, or whoever may or may not be UKIP leader this week (Couldn’t be arsed googling and by the time you do he/she will have changed anyway…) explained that the careless disposal of plastic bottles on UK beaches was putting the country in grave danger of attack by environmentally minded green leaning terror groups.

“The bottles float across the channel, to the jungles of northern France where less than 100 of them tied together makes an unsinkable floatation device that could be used by Muslamic radicals to float across the channel and launch an attack on our saintly green and pleasant land,” he said (…or she, let’s face it, who cares…) explaining that there is a clear link between environmentalists and radical Islam.

“It’s no coincidence they call themselves “GREENS”, it’s the historic colour of Islam, representing the lush vegetation of Paradise” snarled Whatsisname-Doobry, explaining that under no circumstances should this “Paradise” be confused with “England’s GREEN and Pleasant land”.

It was this risk of GREEN terrorism, he explained, that had led UKIP to denounce the recycling of plastic bottles as TERRORISM, and to back a more traditional solution to the problem.

“Bottle banks for plastic bottles, are an open invitation to water bound migratory terrorism – like giving a child a sweetshop and telling them there’s no such thing as dentists,” he (or she…) warned.

For that reason Whatsisname-Doobry explained, instead of recycling, UKIP was backing the revival of the traditional English tradition of stabbing a hole in the bottom.

“Generations of British children have religiously shoved their spoons through the bottom of their hard boiled egg shells to prevent them being used by witches as sailing craft to attack and sink our brave ships,” he (she or indeed it…about time UKIP recognised gender plurality..) roared, pointing out that the loss of shipping to maritime Wiccan subversion has long been close to zero.

“A plastic bottle with a hole in won’t float and can be safely discarded on any beach without fear of it being re-employed for migratory floatation,” he smiled.

“And if that doesn’t solve the problem, you can always just eat them – after all, there won’t be much else to eat after Brexit,” he warned.

Transport Secretary and all-round good egg-head Chris Grayling wants to be the next Prime Minister. He is, he claims, ideally qualified.

“My record speaks for itself,” he crowed to LCD Views, strictly on the record. “Thanks to me, the railways are less efficient and more expensive. There is less legal aid, and prisons are more dangerous. I am a less competent leader than Theresa May, or even Jeremy Corbyn. Less is more, dear chap, less is more. More or less.”

So, to clarify: do you mean more, or less?

“More. Or less,” explained Grayling. “It’s the same thing. I can’t give you clarity. These are exciting times, and everything will turn out just fine!”

Turning to the business of movement of goods after Brexit, which is in your remit, what are you going to do about the chronic lack of space and underinvestment at Dover?

“Yes, I’ve been asked for clarity about it,” he admitted. “Well, they won’t be getting it from me! You can’t shift the cliffs, anyway that would be Michael Gove’s responsibility. Underinvestment is a nasty little phrase. It simply means, we are spending less money, and that must be a good thing. Less is more!”

What about the potential 13 mile queues on the M20?

“Not my problem,” he answered. “Most of the time the M20 is empty, so it seems like a good use of resources to me.”

And what if you ever needed to travel to Dover yourself, and got caught in the traffic? Or would you go by train?

“Good God, no!” he exclaimed. “The trains are f*cking sh*t, we only keep them to milk them for all they are worth! Who wants to go to Dover anyway?”

Back to your leadership bid. Isn’t this just a little April Fool’s Day joke?

“Ha ha! I’ve been called God’s Little April Fool myself!” he laughed. “Except my birthday is actually May the first. May Day. I mean, of course it’s April the first really, but you don’t want anyone to know that sort of thing!”

Is there anyone more (or less) suitable for the job? Less is more. Mayday. MAYDAY!

Great news today for people worried about how they’ll afford to travel to work next year with the announcement from the very top that Downing Street has ordered banks to offer mortgages for annual rail fares.

”This covers season tickets too,” a spokesman for terrified and empty gammon flavoured crisp T May told LCD Views, “Chris Grayling will be personally overseeing the sub-prime derivatives market that will naturally flow from this as the upper echelons refuse to remember what capitalism actually is.”

The mortgages are expected to be offered by all high street banks and a few fiesty upstarts.

”Payday loan companies needn’t think they’ve been forgotten either,” the spokesman illuminated, “as naturally the market for loans on one day travel cards is expected to be bullish, with interest rates tailored to suit the desperation of the customers.”

The mortgages, which will come as standard fixed rate for fixed term products, or variable and trackers, will be repayable direct from the happy customers’ pay packet.

But what if people default in the great post Brexit job massacre to come in 2019?

”Then they’ll be sold an additional mortgage to cover the higher cost of travelling to the field work they will have agreed to undertake should they default,” the spokesman said, “and the re-sale value of their organs will be used to underwrite the risk, as they will have made themselves a credit risk in the process of defaulting on the mortgage needed to afford the dividends required by train company bosses,

”This solves the travel element of the productivity puzzle too. It’s a signal of great thinking coming down the line from No. 10. Just have faith, it’ll all be in the fine print.”

And surely with the services sector shrinking and under threat from Brexit it’ll be an innovative product for British based banks to sell across Europe too?

This question caused a burst of mirth from the spokesman.

”You won’t see any continental European mortgaging themselves for a rail ticket. All those governments are communist and steal hard working British workers tax money to subsidy their services. But that gravy train is coming to an end.”