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C4 charged with betraying the will of the people after revealing the will of the people

Fake knews broadcaster C4 is to be charged with the knew crime of “betraying the will off the people” after deliberately revealing the will of the people live on a little C4 chat show last night.

”Of course it doesn’t matter what the people now think,” Barry Gardiner MP, UKIP, told LCD Views, “the people decided what their will was a few years back and it doesn’t matter if their will has dramatically altered because we’re determined to assist Theresa May’s (MP – UKIP) government implement the will of the people from when it was fixed in stone by a thunderbolt from God.”

The shock revelation of the change in attitude of the people of the U.K. doesn’t matter because it wasn’t assessed in the right way.

”Was there mass data crime in the latest Survation poll of 20,000 people? Well above the 5,000 required for scientific rigour? Was there undue foreign influence? Was there millions funnelled into the campaign from shadowy overseas backers determined to see the break up of the EU for their own kleptoimperialist motives?”

Apparrently not, it was a poll conducted in the Standard manner without the above.

”Then it doesn’t count. Not that campaigns influence people’s decisions anyway. Just ask my boss John McDonnell (MP – UKIP) or our trumpeter Owen Jones (MP – UKIP). Crime should pay. Especially if you’re fantasising about taking government with Henry VIIi powers in the midst of economic calamity and want to bring everything conceivable under total state control. For the many you understand. C4 shouldn’t be standing in the way of the people by revealing what they think based on several yearsnew evidence.”

And Mr Gardiner (MP – UKIP) wasn’t alone in his frank assessment of C4’s betrayal of the people.

”I’m changing the law today, with Henry VIII powers,” David Gauke (MP – UKIP) phoned in especially to tell us, “it was nice of parliament to vote through the EU Withdrawal Bill and make itself irrelevant. Slackers. Ha!”

But betraying the will of the people by revealing the will of the people becoming criminalised isn’t the only change coming in immediately, thanks to Henry VIII powers.

”We’ll also probably be making mass, secretive foreign donations to U.K. political campaigns entirely legal,” the minister (UKIP) clarified, “that way people who buy influence in our once great democratic institutions can be sure of getting what they wanted. Oh, and the change will be retrospective, just in case any of my colleagues find themselves in the shit as little Banksi gets hung out to dry.”

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Brexit cookbook updated to include microwaveable recipes for mobile phones

All across the land today potatriotic cooks and dodgy accountants working for dodgier politicians, the kind of work that makes you hungry, are celebrating with the latest update to the Brexit cookbook.

“When you’re deciding the fate of an entire continent you have to eat right,” David Davis, recently demoted from Head Chef to Commis Chef, said, “you’ve got to eat brain food. As much brain food as you can stomach. Mmmm brains. Brains.”

And what food could be brainer than modern micro-electronics?

“Exactly, and this diet has added security benefits,” Davis explained, “because no mobile phone is more secure than one that’s been in a microwave for ten minutes circling around on high power.”

Are these dessert recipes or entrees?

“Good question, we haven’t decided that, we’ve been so busy working on which sauces to baste and drizzle and drench the phones in, and just how high the power needs to be, that we hadn’t decided what course they are. Bit silly of us. But we’re more big picture people, the detail is for others. This will allow chefs all across the UK to get creative.”

So the Brexit cookbook is not just cannibalism related now?

“No! Isn’t it marvellous. We’re so smart! In fact these recipes will likely extend the lives of family pets.”

How so?

“Well, before you eat fido or Mr Chips, you can work through that collection of old mobiles you’ve got in a drawer in the study.”

It sounds to us that post Brexit food supplies are now more secure than ever.

“You just leave it to us. Right now our top secret team is working on a microwave big enough to hold the entire ERG. Once we step inside no one will know what we’re talking about. The noise of the microwave oven in operation will drown out our words. And our spinning in circles will make it impossible for lip readers!”

I trust you with our country’s future. And remember, as the brains behind Brexit the cookbook say, when you’ve finished cooking your books, why not fry your phone!

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Financial crash imminent as government refuses to bail out Banks

In a stark warning, the government has decided not to repeat past mistakes. It will no longer pick up the tab for failures due to rash overspending. The government is no longer willing to bail out Banks.

The £8m payment made by Banks out of Russian deposits is under investigation by the NCA. Although it isn’t entirely clear, the rotten roubles seem to have been freshly laundered, starched and ironed, and delivered to Leave.EU as squeaky-clean sterling. This crisp, clean cash was then used to pay for dirty tricks.

We all know what happened next. Enough of the general public was conned into buying the pig in a poke that is Brexit. With Banks ducking the issue, the crows are coming home to roost, and a martyr is being thrown to the wolves.

The economy is hanging on slender threads. However, a bail out of Banks this time would admit the illegality of Brexit, and the unreliability of the government. The government will not bring itself down, it will wait for due process to do it for them. By which time, current MPs will have stepped down into cushy jobs as non-executive directors of whatever blue-chip companies remain.

Financial services spokesman, Robin Banks, was not a happy bunny. “It is deeply unfair that this has happened,” he grumbled from his cell in Pentonville. “Normally, a little misdemeanour like this can be sorted out with a shake of the magic money tree. Bail-out means bail-out. If the government will no longer underwrite irresponsible swindlers, then civilisation as we know it is at an end.”

Standard & Poor’s have downgraded Arron Banks from a useful idiot to a useless idiot. His Russian connections (allegedly, every Saturday night, and occasionally midweek if Mrs Banks is in the mood) are working against him. Russian wife, Russian money? Incidentally, there is no truth in the rumour that Mrs Banks’ maiden name is Novichok.

However, Banks has categorically stated that he has no immediate plans to visit Salisbury Cathedral.

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Nigel Farage denies knowing Arron Banks

Nigel Farage was in a forgetful mood today when he used his famous LBC Breakfash show ‘Bring Back the Fash’ to deny knowing Arron Banks.

“I’ve never met him. I’ve never heard of him. Frankly, and I want to make this perfectly clear, I don’t know who you are talking about. I don’t even have car insurance. So why would I know this man I don’t know? I get chauffeured everywhere anyway, as it helps pay the bills of the hardworking man in the street.”

He paused, the sound of a man wringing the sweat out of a shirt collar could be heard, before Nigel ‘potatriot’ Fuhrerage went on,

“The only bankski I know, and everyone who’s been paying any attention at all to my efforts to stand up for the average man in the street knows this, the only bank I know is the one my EU MEP salary is deposited in. Which is not paid in roubles,

”Which is a laugh, when you consider how little actual work of representing the people of Thanet I do in the undemocratic, fully elected parliament of the EU. And is a complete scandal since they docked half my salary for misuse of funds.”

The clarification by Nigel of who he does and doesn’t know was timely, given that his presumed close associate Arron Banks is now under investigation by both the NCA and the FCA.

”The last time Arron and I spoke, completely by chance, as we’ve never met, I told him Arron, you keep using that curious cash supply of yours to target Tory MPs in their actual seats, the establishment will get you. Remember you’re more disposable than a used nappy full of corn and shit. Don’t push your luck. But he wouldn’t listen as he assumed that just winning the EU ref with dirty tricks immediately gave us superpowers the kind any far right coup assumes. But it’s not over damn it, May bottled the election last year and oh, let’s not talk about it, I’ve some shredding to do and I’m going to do it live on air all day.”

But he did have one piece of advice for the man he’s never met.

”Whatever you do, don’t tell them we’ve ever met,” Nigel pleaded, “I’ve enough trouble as it is with Mueller breathing down my neck.”

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Government shocked as can of worms does exactly what it says on the tin

The Brexit can has been kicked down the road many, many times now. However, this has two major consequences. One, the government is running out of road. Two, the worms are beginning to emerge.

One of the biggest, juiciest worms is Arron Banks. He is under investigation over his Leave.EU referendum campaign overspending. You can almost hear the documents being shredded, like a Banksy painting, at Leave.EU HQ. Many others are being hurriedly incinerated. This has already been dubbed a ‘bonfire of allegations’.

There are many worms tied to Banks’ tail. Like shady Russian connections, organised crime, disorganised crime, and a severe dose of digital Tourette’s splashed all over social media.

Banks loves democracy. His shady organisations helped to sway the Brexit vote, in true democratic fashion. He fervently applauds the unreliable referendum result. Banks is also behind a campaign to deselect democratically elected MPs with whom he disagrees. Democracy lover Banks supports rich, unpleasant, unelected bureaucrats using their influence to undermine democracy.

The government is worried that, once opened properly, all the worms could come out of the can, and that would be the end of Brexit. Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab expressed surprise today after discovering exactly what the contents of the can were. “I know there were worms inside,” he whimpered. “But I never expected the contents to come out! That’s not how cans operate in my experience.”

Raab also expressed surprise that the can, having been kicked long, hard and often, was showing signs of wear and tear. “It is a Titanic tin,” he moaned. “Completely unbreakable.”

“We did try to tell him,” commented campaigner Artie Culfifty. “Unfortunately, our comments were dismissed as Project Fear. We were informed that the tin, which would never open in any case, was actually full of spaghetti.”

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to the garden to eat worms. Or spaghetti.

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Pig’s head shagged by man says it will stand against him in any re-election comeback bid

The most famous pig’s head in British politics has given a rare interview today to assert it will stand against David Cameron should he launch any re-election comeback bid.

”I don’t mind admitting I’m still a little bitter,” Pork Scratchings told us in an exclusive interview conducted near the Bullingdon Club headquarters, just for the vibe, “I believed Dave when he told me we were always going to be together, and one day even, medical science would provide me with a body. And then we could get married.”

Well that was all a sham.

”Well that was all a lie. He was using me to impress the other boys.”

So your motivation for standing for election in any seat bored shitless, shepherd’s hut David decides to go for is a long standing wound of unrequited love?

”Excuse me?” Pork Scratchings looked well oinked, “do I look like I haven’t gotten on with my life? You think Britain’s laziest PM is that good a shag?”

Well, he did fuck the entire U.K., so…

”That. That there is my motivation.”

Jealousy is what is driving you?

”You haven’t done your research, have you? I was assured you were a professional outfit.”

Well, it’s a little hard to research an unsubstantiated rumour put about to make David Cameron a laughing stock by Boris Johnson, presumably.

”I’m not some cheap device utilised to draw on the lowest common denominator perception that all rich people are sexual perverts.”

Well, what are you then?

”I’m a serious Tory party candidate for Westminster. Just look what happens when you smash some lipstick on me and put me in a safe seat. I am not just some easy ride.”

Thats not what Dave says…

”Don’t ever call me for an interview again. I’ve a country to save.”

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Singing Ringing Tree denies covert funding deal for anti-austerity budget

Internationally renowned arboreal children’s fantasy character “The Singing Ringing Tree” Tuesday moved to deny reports that it was behind the sudden unexplained ending to UK austerity, as evidenced by the autumn budget published Monday by chancellor Philip Hammond.

A spokesman for The Singing Ringing Tree -or “SRT” as it is known to it’s inner circle, Herr Hurleburlebutz,  confirmed to LCD views that while the legendary East German TV star had accrued considerable personal wealth from her 60 year TV career, she was some way from having the means to fund tax cuts for rich Brits.

“True, SRT, is the owner of an offshore hedge fund, with branches in several major European forests but that doesn’t means he has the funds to replace the tax billions lost to offshore retailers such as the Amazon Rainforest, or Starbuckthorn,” he explained.

“In case you haven’t twigged, the UK government alone has been responsible for pruning its public sector budget for the past eight years and it alone can explain how it suddenly has the money to fund tax cuts perhaps – you should speak to “The Magic Money Tree” – whoever he or she is,” he added.

Pressed for further Herr Hurleburlebutz information, suggested enquiries might be better directed a princess Theresa Maple, or any one of a number of evil dwarves by the names of Michael “Hazel” Grove, a Christopher Grayling Willow, or Andrea Linden.

A spokesman for the UK foreign secretary’s office declined to be drawn into any wantonly arboreal pun fun.

“No one gets wood for Jeremy, no matter how wrongly you pronounce his surname,” he snapped.

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Jeremy Hunt apppoints Wetherspoons’ boss Tim Martin as U.K. ambassador to Saudi Arabia

Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Jeremy Hunt was in an upbeat mood this morning as he announced sweeping changes to the country’s diplomatic service.

”Those fussy, sluggish, pointless careerists, the so called diplomats are out, and people who know how to get deals done are in,” he said as giddy as a boy in a candy store, “for too long British reputation abroad has been mismanaged by people who studied, trained and served as ambassadors, but that changes, just like the NHS changed under me, so too the FCO is.”

It seems the idea for change has long been festering in the curious little box he calls his mind.

”Look at the great deals businessmen cut with me to carve up the NHS piecemeal and look how they’re getting away with it? You think businessmen can’t make a better fist of being ambassadors? Certainly Branson will get the trade deals done. Look how he gets trains done! Better a proven British leg end than some guy no one has ever heard of who’s sweated out a decade in Angola hoping to get promoted to somewhere in the EU!”

The change will also help pave the way for the direction Mr Hunt wants to take the FCO in.

”We’ll not be bothering with nation states anymore,” he added, “we’re going to send ambassadors straight to the world’s multinationals and skip out the middlemen, with the exception of Saudi Arabia of course, they buy our bombs and help keep the party going.”

So who is picked for the plum job in Riyadh?

“Wetherspoons’ boss Tim Martin has kindly accepted my offer of the position of U.K. ambassador to Saudi Arabia. With his proven experience of getting deals done with the religious fanatics behind Brexit, he’ll get the job done. I predict before his time is up there’ll be a drive through Wetherspoons pub on every street corner in Saudi and it’ll be the ladies who are driving through them.”

Good luck Jeremy Hunt. Whenever the country needs something that rhymes with something else, you’re the one we turn to.

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Donald Trump orders special asbestos pants

We’re used to Donald Trump being very lavish when it comes to spending money on himself, especially other people’s money, that much is well known. But his latest indulgence for once has a practical benefit.

His latest tailoring bill includes several items made with asbestos.

In a recent development, he has decided that he requires asbestos incorporated into all his trousers and underwear.

“It was a great decision and a necessary one,” he told the press. “My pants used to catch fire at the darnedest times. Usually when I was in the middle of a speech. So I called my tailor and said to him these pants you’re making for me a defecating – I mean defenceless – I mean defec – uh, they don’t work. They keep catching fire and they shouldn’t do that. I need want pants that won’t catch fire and I need them now.”

It was no exaggeration, as his tailor recalls Trump made the call sans pants.

“It was a surreal moment,” recalls tailor Will Dressham. “He was calling me and ordering me to make him some new pants right there and then. And he had absolutely nothing on downstairs, it had all just burnt away to nothing. Apparently all his pants had done the same thing, so he told me his people were going to pick me up to work on new fireproof pants for him. They just came and took me away and wouldn’t let me leave until I’d designed and made some pants for him that were guaranteed not to catch fire when he was talking.”

Mr Dressham managed to resist the temptation of pulling an emperor’s new clothes style prank on him, because he knew Trump would not let him get away with it.

“I had to put a lot of asbestos into them. I had to get the asbestos especially woven into usable threads, and it wasn’t easy. I first tried infusing regular pants with a small amount of asbestos, just enough to fireproof things usually, but they still burst into flames when he started talking. Fortunately for me I warned him beforehand that this was a first attempt and that we’d prepared a standby fire crew. I told him I’d up the percentage of asbestos in his pants until it worked. I had to make them entirely out of asbestos in the end but we got there, fireproof pants.”

The story doesn’t quite end there however. As Will Dressham continues:

“He still hasn’t paid me for the job. That guy owes me thousands of dollars for all the man hours and materials I put into this. I have a wife and family to support! I’m suing his fireproofed ass off if he doesn’t pay!”

Mr Trump’s response:

“He should have made them softer. These pants may be fireproof but they’re very rough, especially in certain areas.”

Certain small areas no doubt.

“I will deal with him, one way or another.”

Mr Dressham was last reported to be undergoing a change of identity and emigrating.

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Ryanair passengers dumped in mid Atlantic and told to swim home

Passengers on a Ryanair flight from New York to Stanstead were Wednesday surprised to find themselves ejected from their plane over the mid Atlantic and told to swim home.

“We were dragged from our seats, handed plastic single-use parachutes and forcibly ejected through the rear door,” complained Winetta Windrush 27, still dripping from her 433 mile swim to the west coast of Ireland.

“And worst of all there was no relief bus to pick us up after we reached the coast,” she wailed explaining that those who managed to survive the freezing waters had been obliged to pay their own way back to London.

A spokesman for Ryanair explained that the decision to eject half the passengers on the flight had been taken following a sudden spike in jet fuel prices.

“Fuel surcharges are one of the conditions listed in the small print on Ryanair tickets, and cutting load in mid flight is standard practice for conserving fuel  for the return leg,” she explained, denying that those ejected had all been selected due to their ethnic minority backgrounds.

“The fact that those “down transferred” all had funny names and didn’t include any fat, racist bigots wearing “white power” t-shirts is purely coincidental,” she explained pointing out that those ejected had all been seated on “ultra economy budget seats”.

“The ones that resemble upturned milk crates, but aren’t,” she added.

Cornered by an intrepid LCD views reporter while being carried by turbaned slaves in a sedan chair from his diamond encrusted penthouse office suite in Dublin’s billionaire quarter, to his solid gold Bentley Continental, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leery denied that dumping passengers in mid Atlantic to save on fuel was in any way unethical.

“Bollix to yez all. Dem fockers should be grateful we gave them milk crates to sit on for half the flight. Dats more dan dey’ll be getting after yer Brexit, to be sure,” he leered, leerily.