The Brexit can has been kicked down the road many, many times now. However, this has two major consequences. One, the government is running out of road. Two, the worms are beginning to emerge.
One of the biggest, juiciest worms is Arron Banks. He is under investigation over his Leave.EU referendum campaign overspending. You can almost hear the documents being shredded, like a Banksy painting, at Leave.EU HQ. Many others are being hurriedly incinerated. This has already been dubbed a ‘bonfire of allegations’.
There are many worms tied to Banks’ tail. Like shady Russian connections, organised crime, disorganised crime, and a severe dose of digital Tourette’s splashed all over social media.
Banks loves democracy. His shady organisations helped to sway the Brexit vote, in true democratic fashion. He fervently applauds the unreliable referendum result. Banks is also behind a campaign to deselect democratically elected MPs with whom he disagrees. Democracy lover Banks supports rich, unpleasant, unelected bureaucrats using their influence to undermine democracy.
The government is worried that, once opened properly, all the worms could come out of the can, and that would be the end of Brexit. Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab expressed surprise today after discovering exactly what the contents of the can were. “I know there were worms inside,” he whimpered. “But I never expected the contents to come out! That’s not how cans operate in my experience.”
Raab also expressed surprise that the can, having been kicked long, hard and often, was showing signs of wear and tear. “It is a Titanic tin,” he moaned. “Completely unbreakable.”
“We did try to tell him,” commented campaigner Artie Culfifty. “Unfortunately, our comments were dismissed as Project Fear. We were informed that the tin, which would never open in any case, was actually full of spaghetti.”
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to the garden to eat worms. Or spaghetti.