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Government in emergency shutdown after drone sighted in Westminster

Chaos reigns in Westminster today after and emergency shutdown was declared. This was because a drone had been allegedly seen hovering dangerously close to the Houses of Parliament.

Current government is such a lot of pie in the sky that the drone was potentially interfering with the government’s head space. No blue sky thinking is possible when toy helicopters are buzzing around.

The response was typical of the current administration. A massive overreaction, and complete paralysis. There are genuine fears, from Brexiters of all hues, that the drones could read and steal what pass for their thoughts. Others are annoyed that the drone could possibly disturb their castles in the air.

So no flights of fancy will be leaving Westminster for a couple of days at least. Theresa May has already indicated that the shutdown could last until Brexit Day, when British airspace will finally be rid of all European influence. I’m Theresa, don’t fly me.

Speculation is growing over who could be behind the dastardly drone attack. Brexiters are blaming the pro-EU faction, and vice versa. The Daily Express has already circulated a piece suggesting that sales of drones may only be made to angry red-faced men in yellow reflective clothing.

Unconfirmed rumours abound that the Army has been put on standby in case of further attacks. Expect College Green to be covered in tanks and cannons. Wait for the entitled mob intent on disrupting democracy to burst with pride in the presence of ‘our boys’.

Sources later revealed that there may not have been a drone at all. Drone expert Mon O’Tone gave us her view. “Members of the public sometimes confuse other flying objects for drones,” she droned, monotonously. “Like pigeons, or blackbirds, or crows, or ravens, or fairies, or sparrows, or UFOs, or doves, or robins, or…”

So it could all be a lot of fuss about nothing. A bit like Brexit, then.

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Minister under fire after being caught renting out empty space inside his head

Cabinet minister Chris Grayling is under fire today after being caught red handed renting out the empty space inside his head.

When questioned by reporters over the additional income, which has so far not being declared to parliament as required by the rules, a spokesmen for the transport supremo defended the actions of his boss:

“Chris isn’t using the space, why shouldn’t he make a little extra income to beef up his frankly paltry pay as a minster of state,” Mr Bullet Magnet told LCD Views, “he’s actually helping alleviate the housing crisis in London, which is severe, especially in Westminster, where the space is being rented from.”

But this defence failed to satisfy after it was revealed the tenants in the MP’s head were not residential but commercial.

“So? I wasn’t aware when I addressed the matter earlier, but given the bargain price Mr Grayling is asking, I think it only right and proper that we applaud him for supporting a start up British business.”

But even that didn’t wash after it was revealed the start up itself was using taxpayer money to pay for the long lease inside the Transport Secretary’s head.

“Well if he had just paid himself directly you’d say he was corrupt!” Mr Magnet scoffed, “it’s getting so an MP can’t do anything normal without receiving a public handbagging.”

The discovery of the space inside Mr Grayling’s head being put up for rent has increased pressure on the prime minister to sack him, after a string of low profile screw ups that make Mr Magoo appear to be eagle eyed in comparison.

“No chance,” Mr Magnet replied, “The prime minister has a perfectly sensible policy of surrounding herself with complete and utter imbeciles in order to make herself look good.”

But given they refuse to turf her out of her job, until she has completed the task of Brexit and thus willingly becoming one of the biggest fall guys ever in British history, you have to wonder who is actually smarter.

“Not so silly after all, hey,” Mr Magnet winked, before rushing off to organise the shipping news for broadcast to a firm specialising in takeaway food deliveries.

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Cabinet minister to encourage street violence to promote the British knee

LCD Views has yet another exclusive today with the leak from Downing Street that British prime Rupert Murdoch will shortly inform his puppet Theresa May which cabinet minister he has chosen for a landmark speech. A speech that builds on the recent impression that numerous British politicians, activists and commentators have already forgotten Jo Cox.

”The speech will be about advancing the British knee,” the insider reveals, “It’s actually incredibly and shamelessly derivative from a famous black short speech from the 1930’s. Oswald Moseley is expected to be resurrected and clap in the audience. Of course he’ll be wearing a hi viz jacket.”

It’s believed interim DExEU Secretary Stephen Barclay MP is currently favourite, given his recent comments regarding the blatant attempts to intimate Anna Soubry MP, and select female journalists into silence on such peripheral policy matters as Brexit. Because that’s how we do democracy in the U.K. these days, you know, in the non-democratic way of shouting down dissent.

”It’s preferable to intimidate women,  people who aren’t white and gays initially,” the insider comments, “to show proper British men that if they attempt to defend someone less privileged then themselves that they’re next.”

The use of intimidation and street violence has a long tradition of achieving far right political objectives in the U.K., most noteably in the 1930’s.

”If people aren’t afraid for their physical safety then we risk the far right coup that is Brexit failing,” the insider adds, “and we need to support our street bigots in the hope PayPal will process even more donations for them, so we don’t have to overtly fund them. And of course, having the hoi poli who we intend to crush under our boots pay for the boots is just very ticklish.”

While it’s certain to be a serving cabinet minister giving the speech, most likely from the BBC towers on College Green, he or she can expect to be flanked by those Labour MPs and commentators who have also advocated going forward with the criminal Brexit exercise out of fear of letting fascism lose its only U.K. gain for decades.

”We’re going to invite Twitter star Tim Montgomerie to introduce the speaker after his outstanding tweets excusing the harassment of Soubry with an argument that is essentially ‘she was wearing a short skirt, so what did she expect’. It shows how far we’ve progressed since the bad old days. Victim blaming is as timeless as flares.”

Finishing touches are to be added to the script, but it’s believed it will begin,

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BBC refuses to play chart-topping hit “Yes! We have no bananas!”

“Yes! We have no bananas!” has got to the top of the charts. The BBC, true to form, has refused to play it, citing political influence.

The nonsense song has come into vogue periodically. Principally when bananas were rationed after world war 2.

We turned to pop music expert Melody Lynes for an explanation.

“Novelty songs are always popular,” she stated. “However, they sell better when outside events influence buyers. It’s like when Mrs Thatcher died, sales of “Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead” went through the roof.”

The BBC banned that, too.

“I can’t speak for our broadcasters,” said Lynes. “But the public mood was certainty encapsulated in that song, whatever your opinion about Thatcher.”

Clearly the news that, in the event of a no deal Brexit, bananas will become scarce, had prompted sales.

‘Brexpert’ Terry Bulplan had his defence ready. “I can’t understand why anyone would want to listen to that tiresome drivel,” he said. “The title is nonsense, and nobody is suggesting that there will be a shortage of bananas!”

Unfortunately, that is exactly what Brexiters are suggesting. The blockades at our ports and the absence of trade deals will prevent bananas from getting to the UK.

“And a jolly good job too,” grumbles Bulplan. “Too many foreign fruits coming into the country, taking up space in the fruit bowl that could be filled with British fruits, like elderberries and crab apples!”

So, you are saying that Britain is a fruit basket case? A bendy banana republic?

“Nothing of the sort!” retorted Bulplan. “In any case, we need to be singing from the same hymn sheet. And yes, we have no bananas!”

And that’s Brexit in a nutshell. Or a banana skin. A cheerful affirmation that everything will be the same, whilst acknowledging that everything will be dreadful, in one simple sentence.

The country has gone bananas.

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Government planning to close Internet to offset post Brexit power shortages

A “top secret” government working group is conducting an assessment on the viability of “temporary Internet shutdowns” to offset anticipated power shortages after the UK leaves the European Union on March 29th.

Speaking to LCD views on condition of anonymity, a senior Whitehall source confirmed that a special working group code-named “Dept Against Reactionary Communication”, or DARC for short, is conducting stress tests on vital infrastructure and services to confirm whether they will continue working in the event of enforced Internet cuts.

“The Internet uses an enormous amount of power – as much as 5 Terawatt hours (TWh) a year, around 8% of total consumption – or almost as much as Jacob Rees Mogg’s bitcoin mining operations, which obviously we can’t shut down…haha..,” he said explaining that temporarily shutting down access on a regional basis would help offset the need for wider power cuts.

“People just don’t realise how power hungry the Internet is, and how much of the content is just snide and arguably treasonous criticism of her majesty’s government,” he cautioned, explaining that  shutting off a single satirical article shared on Facebook could light a city like Sunderland for a whole hour.

“Not that it would help them see any more clearly,” he sniggered.

However he confirmed that the government is aware of the possible downside to cutting of net access, namely what occurred in the early 1970s when the  then Conservative government responded to coal and power workers’ strikes by shutting off all television channels at 10.30pm to save power.

“Yes we are aware that listening to the radio became the second most popular replacement for watching TV, with inevitable consequences for the birth rate,” he confirmed.

“Not worry though, that won’t be a problem once we’ve closed all the remaining maternity and ante-natal units, sent back all the foreign paediatricians and GPs, and got the infant mortality rate back to an acceptable third world level,” he smirked.

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Government slams Deliveroo’s sloppy service after takeaway order of sixty one trucks fails to arrive

British transport tzar Chris ‘failing’ Grayling was taking no prisoners this morning (because he couldn’t locate any) after his genius wheeze to spend millions creating a traffic jam was labelled a farce.

”He ordered the lorries personally with his phone using the Deliveroo app this morning,” Mrs Knowmoore Pleeeeze, Tory MP for WTF-on-Why (junior minister, Dept Transport), told us in person, “of course he closed his phone while the screen still said ‘processing order’, but that’s no reason to expect it’s anyone’s fault in government.”

Be that as it may, the failure of the famous takeaway food delivery service to promptly deliver the scores of heavy goods vehicles required has left Grayling in the unusual position of having his competence questioned.

”It’s not great,” Mrs Pleeeeze admitted, “I added an order of bacon butties and coffee to the truck order from Imperial Chinese Takeaway. I’m famished! Standing out here next to the motorway all morning with not a bite to eat. Now I know how the other half live! Really, I just want my life back.”

But does the sham in Dover today threaten other government contingencies for No Deal situations?

”You mean like the plan to use the KFC reward points app to award people with emergency medical supplies?”

Yes, that one too.

”Or the plan to have the Duracell bunny operate a treadmill to keep electricity flowing in Northern Ireland?”

Yes.

”Or the plan to call every government minister an Uber on March 30th so they can get the hell out of No Deal dodge and away to a comfy non-exec position on the board of a hedge fund that’s successfully shorted the pound and made a killing off the back of the wilfull and knowing destruction of modern Britain?”

That one sounds all too real.

At the time of going to print Deliveroo had yet to comment, but it is believed the firm will be able to escape blame due to being a food delivery service and not a short term hire outlet for lorries and trucks.

”That didn’t stop Seaborne Freight winning the catering contract for the House of Commons,” Mrs Pleeeeze added, “ahoy me hearties! Now, let’s see how that traffic jam is coming along.”

We fear Global Britain may not see its finest hour as 2019 gets into gear and begins motoring to a total, intentional standstill. 

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Downing Street accused of fluffing Brexit after plan to replace viagra with fluffers leaked

Downing Street is in need of a stiff upper lip this morning after its plan to replace viagra supplies, threatened by a no deal Brexit, with adult movie workers has been slammed as half hard.

”It’s just sensible contingency planning,” a French maid working in the corridors of 10 Downing Street told us in a voice that was dangerously husky, “I’m not really French, this is just a costume. Do you like it? Would you like me to dust those high shelves?”

Alongside the adult movie specialists, free copies of the entire back catalogue of ‘Carry On’ films will be made available on a new government funded, streaming TV service, called ‘Bonking’.

”We’ll keep Britain shagging,” Mr Monee Schott, Tory MP for Knee Tremblers, declared, “the great British public will not be screwed senseless by Brexit.”

A debatable statement.

Additional plans include placing rousing imagery in town squares and city centres.

”Who isn’t going to feel something with a thirty foot high poster of Maggie in her prime glowering down at you as you go for a pint?” Mr Schott said with half closed eyes, “erect that next to a poster of a steam train entering a tunnel and off we go!”

Rockets blasting off and fireworks exploding are also planned.

But controversy has hit the scheme early after it was revealed a stockpile of actual viagra is being built for government ministers.

”Do you want your elected officials down in the dumps over the natural consequences of ageing on the mortal male? That would be reckless at a time of natural crisis.”

Plans to make the stockpile available to paid up members of the Conservative Party have also raised eyebrows.

”We’re just seeing to the needs of our natural supporters. Keep their resolve to make a success of Brexit firm.”

On the plus side, the dressers and drawers of the U.K. will be getting a proper seeing to with the old feather duster as the legions of fluffers are set to work across Little England.

But critics will take convincing that this isn’t just another example of the government making a fluff of Brexit.

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Policewoman in hi viz accidentally arrests herself during vegan sausage roll protest free for all

Police up and down the country have been alerted to the threat posed by the Yellow Vest movement. Coppers have been ordered to take a zero-tolerance attitude towards anyone in a yellow vest acting suspiciously.

This hair-trigger attitude is making few friends, but it is at least an effective deterrent. Anyone in a light-coloured reflective jacket desecrating a vegan sausage roll gets lumped into a van and taken to the nearest nick to cool down.

However, the policy can backfire. Take a recent incident in which an over-keen policewoman arrested herself. LCD Views went down to the cells at Gammon-under-Pineapple police station to speak with the miscreant.

“I was getting ready for work, putting on my hi viz jacket, when I noticed this smug, foreign-looking woman in a yellow vest,” explained PC Myra Flection. “I tried to ignore her, but I kept catching sight of her everywhere in shop windows, puddles, you name it. She kept pace with me exactly. Well, I was in a right state when I walked into the station, I can tell you. I went straight up to the front desk and reported her.”

What happened next?

“I said, Sarge, I said, there’s this yellow vest woman stalking me,” said Flection. “What does she look like, he asked. Like that!! I said, pointing at her staring out of the mirror at me. Well, I didn’t waste any time, I marched right up to her and put the cuffs on.”

How did you manage that?

“She came right up to me too,” recalled Flection. “The only way to get the cuffs on was to put them on myself. So I walked back to the desk and handed myself in.”

Fair enough.

Back up at the front desk, Sergeant Evan Elpmee clarified what had happened. “PC Flection is keen, but as bright as a thirteen-watt bulb,” he explained. “And I’m talking about daffodil bulbs! She’s in the cells for the safety of the residents of Gammon-under-Pineapple.”

It’s certainly worth reflecting upon.

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Chris De Burgh to re-release Don’t Pay The Ferryman in honour of Chris Grayling

What with one thing and another you can’t move for reissues, remasters and re-recordings these days. The latest act to join this list is Chris De Burgh, whose 1983 song “Don’t Pay The Ferryman” has just had a re-recording announced.

Speaking at a press conference, Mr De Burgh made the following announcement:

“A lot of artists have re-recorded their old hits in the last decade, but without making any fundamental changes to them, which is a bit pointless really. If you’re going to re-record a song, make it different enough that the listeners will see a point in parting with their hard-earned cash. So I’m doing an acoustic version of this and a few others that would benefit from the different arrangement.”

The new album is entitled Christopher John Davison, his birth name, to reflect the stripped-down nature of the songs.

In response to the question of timing, he added:

“This has absolutely nothing to do with Chris Grayling awarding that ferry contract to a firm with no boats.”

It was hard to tell from where I was sitting, but it looked like his eyes were sparkling with laughter as he said that. Certainly he was having trouble keeping a straight face. He also added that the acoustic nature of the re-recordings was not a protest against austerity and people being unable to pay their electricity bills.

The compilation also features a re-recording of his best known hit, “Lady In Red” but changed to “Lady In Blue” and with several lyrical changes. The first line in the new version is “never seen you talking so evil as you do tonight”.

Mr De Burgh has denied that this is a dig at Theresa May, although again his face was struggling against a guffaw.

Christopher John Davison is due to be released in the shops this week.

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Greggs to launch Brexit-free gammon

UK bakery-to-fast-food chain Greggs announced Thursday that it plans to launch a new range of Brexit-free gammon products.

Coming only days after the launch of Gregg’s first “vegan sausage roll”, the new range represents a further step in the chain’s attempts to attract bigger spending  clientele.

A spokesman for Greggs confirmed that the new Brexit-free, lean and fat free, Gammon, was being sourced from specially bred Danish pigs, reared in a rigorously humane environment on a diet of fois gras, pumpernickel and sangria, to full EU standard, completely free of all dangerous hormones and chemical additives .

“We realise this may not appeal to those that are our grossly overweight, intellectually challenged, puce-complexioned and are often found in the BBCQT audience, but they have nothing to fear as we will still be shovelling out truck loads of the usual high fat, low fibre, hormone loaded crap to keep them happy as inhumanely reared pigs in sh*t,” he explained.

However the move has already drawn criticism from right wing commentators.

Seven times unelected MP and UKIP founder Nigel Farage denounced the move as yet another attempt by the establishment to undermine Brexit.

“This is typical pork-barrel-politics, aimed at keeping our mid morning snacks in the EU against the will of the people,” he spat, red faced and fuming.

While crimson-cheeked, blustering breakfast TV host Piers “Just-as-he-appears” Morgan, devoted a whole 15 minute phone-in segment on “Good Morning Britain” to asking the single “caps-locked” question:

“AFTER THE UK VOTED OVERWHELMINGLY TO LEAVE THE EU, WHO THE HELL WANTS BREXIT-FREE GAMMON?”.

A question which was answered in some detail by callers who phoned in to point out that actually only 27% of the British population voted for Brexit, suggesting a potential market of 73% of the population, or 48 MILLION people.

To which serial innumerate Morgan responded with typical civility:  “You’re unbelievably stupid people aren’t you?”

However industry analysts point out that in the wake of the post Brexit economic collapse, sales of traditional low end fast food are likely to fall sharply, and broadening its appeal may help save Greggs’ from a soggy bottom line.

“Greggs has identified a high end market that is prepared to pay over the odds for a “bit of rough”, but currently avoids the chain like you would a smelly old tramp, begging for coins,” explained Tarquin Parsnip-Sauce, food and beverage analyst at Overpriced-Waterworks-Minicoopers.

“All in all it bodes well for their plan to take the entire chain vegetarian in time for the government’s planned post Brexit economic union with North Korea, and mass starvation,” he chirped.