UK bakery-to-fast-food chain Greggs announced Thursday that it plans to launch a new range of Brexit-free gammon products.
Coming only days after the launch of Gregg’s first “vegan sausage roll”, the new range represents a further step in the chain’s attempts to attract bigger spending clientele.
A spokesman for Greggs confirmed that the new Brexit-free, lean and fat free, Gammon, was being sourced from specially bred Danish pigs, reared in a rigorously humane environment on a diet of fois gras, pumpernickel and sangria, to full EU standard, completely free of all dangerous hormones and chemical additives .
“We realise this may not appeal to those that are our grossly overweight, intellectually challenged, puce-complexioned and are often found in the BBCQT audience, but they have nothing to fear as we will still be shovelling out truck loads of the usual high fat, low fibre, hormone loaded crap to keep them happy as inhumanely reared pigs in sh*t,” he explained.
However the move has already drawn criticism from right wing commentators.
Seven times unelected MP and UKIP founder Nigel Farage denounced the move as yet another attempt by the establishment to undermine Brexit.
“This is typical pork-barrel-politics, aimed at keeping our mid morning snacks in the EU against the will of the people,” he spat, red faced and fuming.
While crimson-cheeked, blustering breakfast TV host Piers “Just-as-he-appears” Morgan, devoted a whole 15 minute phone-in segment on “Good Morning Britain” to asking the single “caps-locked” question:
“AFTER THE UK VOTED OVERWHELMINGLY TO LEAVE THE EU, WHO THE HELL WANTS BREXIT-FREE GAMMON?”.
A question which was answered in some detail by callers who phoned in to point out that actually only 27% of the British population voted for Brexit, suggesting a potential market of 73% of the population, or 48 MILLION people.
To which serial innumerate Morgan responded with typical civility: “You’re unbelievably stupid people aren’t you?”
However industry analysts point out that in the wake of the post Brexit economic collapse, sales of traditional low end fast food are likely to fall sharply, and broadening its appeal may help save Greggs’ from a soggy bottom line.
“Greggs has identified a high end market that is prepared to pay over the odds for a “bit of rough”, but currently avoids the chain like you would a smelly old tramp, begging for coins,” explained Tarquin Parsnip-Sauce, food and beverage analyst at Overpriced-Waterworks-Minicoopers.
“All in all it bodes well for their plan to take the entire chain vegetarian in time for the government’s planned post Brexit economic union with North Korea, and mass starvation,” he chirped.