Downing Street is in need of a stiff upper lip this morning after its plan to replace viagra supplies, threatened by a no deal Brexit, with adult movie workers has been slammed as half hard.
”It’s just sensible contingency planning,” a French maid working in the corridors of 10 Downing Street told us in a voice that was dangerously husky, “I’m not really French, this is just a costume. Do you like it? Would you like me to dust those high shelves?”
Alongside the adult movie specialists, free copies of the entire back catalogue of ‘Carry On’ films will be made available on a new government funded, streaming TV service, called ‘Bonking’.
”We’ll keep Britain shagging,” Mr Monee Schott, Tory MP for Knee Tremblers, declared, “the great British public will not be screwed senseless by Brexit.”
A debatable statement.
Additional plans include placing rousing imagery in town squares and city centres.
”Who isn’t going to feel something with a thirty foot high poster of Maggie in her prime glowering down at you as you go for a pint?” Mr Schott said with half closed eyes, “erect that next to a poster of a steam train entering a tunnel and off we go!”
Rockets blasting off and fireworks exploding are also planned.
But controversy has hit the scheme early after it was revealed a stockpile of actual viagra is being built for government ministers.
”Do you want your elected officials down in the dumps over the natural consequences of ageing on the mortal male? That would be reckless at a time of natural crisis.”
Plans to make the stockpile available to paid up members of the Conservative Party have also raised eyebrows.
”We’re just seeing to the needs of our natural supporters. Keep their resolve to make a success of Brexit firm.”
On the plus side, the dressers and drawers of the U.K. will be getting a proper seeing to with the old feather duster as the legions of fluffers are set to work across Little England.
But critics will take convincing that this isn’t just another example of the government making a fluff of Brexit.