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Boris Johnson reported to have already broken all his New Year’s Resolutions

AS SANDS THROUGH THE HOUR GLASS : World beating Prime Minister and hobbyist virologist Boris Johnson is reported to have begun 2022 as he ended 2021.

“And it’s how he means to go on,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When he’s not on holiday he’ll be hard at working shirking his responsibilities.”

The early achiever award for the PM is said to result from a series of resolutions he made at the stroke of midnight, as 2021 spluttered and crashed into history and 2022 had just begun to mewl into life.

“He made a series of resolutions to a crowded room. But no sooner had he made them then he broke them one by one. By one minute past midnight he gone back on his promise not to make irrelevant classical references. By one minute and a half he had abandoned any pretence to wearing a mask where required. In his defence the mask he took off was of Batman. And he just got worse from there on.”

The PM keeping his form will reassure an anxious nation though, as they wait to see if the turning over of the calendar will lead to a surprise like public first governance.

“Nope. It’ll be Lord of the Flies still,” the source affirmed. “Sometime soon Johnson will be turfed out and replaced with Truss or some other noisy, empty vessel. By this stage anyone who had made a resolution not to drink in 2022 will have firmly fallen off the wagon again. Happy New Year.”

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Boris Johnson clears Boris Johnson of all wrongdoing

IT’S ALL OVER BAR THE SHOUTING: The official investigation into alleged breaches of the ministerial code by Boris Johnson has been concluded. The man in charge of the investigation, Boris Johnson, has cleared Boris Johnson on all counts. 

This is welcome news. It means that our democracy is safe, thanks to the unceasing vigilance of Boris Johnson. There has never in all of history been a man such as he, who was as diligent at covering his own arse. 

The political Pinocchio has excused his own clearly non-existent crimes. He has wound his neck in, and done his very best to level up his world beating telescopic proboscis. He has taken back control of governmental justice. 

There will be those who would suggest, unpatriotically, that once again a member of the government has been permitted to mark their own homework. This is deeply unfair on Mr Johnson. After all, the one person who has a complete overview of everything Boris Johnson does, is Boris Johnson. We as a nation trust in the strength in the fundamental decency and integrity that Mr Johnson has demonstrated time and time again. 

“Prime Ministers are immune from criticism, and simply incapable of wrongdoing,” claimed the famous Downing Street anonymous source. “What this investigation proves is merely a confirmation of this basic tenet of public life. The ties that bind us all bind Mr Johnson most tightly of all. Put simply, he cannot tell a lie. His word is his bond, his face is his fortune, and his pants only caught fire by accident.”

Regardless of the permanent presence of the Fire Brigade at Number Ten, there is no reason to doubt the Source. Not even the unusual and permanent lengthening of Johnson’s nose is sufficient evidence to cast aspersions upon his character. 

He is more than capable of doing that himself. 

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Liz Truss to be next PM as even Murdoch can’t stand Priti Patel

LIKE A PUPPET ON A STRING: Rupert the Kingmaker has declared Liz Truss to be the next PM. Usually, the Home Secretary is next in line to the throne, but it appears that Priti Patel is beyond the pale even by Murdoch’s standards. 

If Truss does indeed become Prime Minister, she will be permanently dogged by the Liz Truss Pork Markets meme. At least we will know what the abbreviation ‘PM’ stands for, and it isn’t Prime Minister. 

Where does this leave Patel? The rottweiler of the cabinet, her national security brief has been interpreted as pickin’ on anyone who can’t bite back. It’s a mystery how she ever acquired a reputation for bullyin’. 

But at least Patel has convictions, revoltin’ though they may be. She isn’t goin’ to do what Uncle Rupes tells her. Unlike Truss, whose convictions change with the wind, and what Murdoch really needs is a shallow opportunist whose reputation hasn’t yet been trashed. 

This is where Truss scores over Johnson, a man with no convictions whatsoever, but a massive ego and overwhelming self interest. He’s a man who missed his true calling as a pub bore. 

What will happen to Johnson? Will his fall bring down the whole house of cards? Only if Johnson goes rogue and spills the beans. But that’s unlikely. Its more probable that he will have a sympathetic journalist ghost write a self-justifying autobiography, while writing bollocks for the Daily Telegraph. 

Although it’s quite possible he might finally acquire some convictions, albeit criminal ones. 

Ultimately Truss will be discarded too, when the inherent contradictions of delivering something long promised but fundamentally impossible become clear. But this is what happens when a single issue party Takes Back Control. A party of simple minded ideologues in charge of a complex set of challenges. 

Still, experts? Like Murdoch? What do they know? 

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Missing days explained – PM pictured filling in pot holes on Tory donor’s private road

PRICK UP A PICK : WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BRITISH PM BORIS JOHNSON? Has been a recurring question during his world beating time in office. Most expect him to vanish inside a Russian submarine sooner or later, never to be grace Blighty again, but that’s just the yoghurt knitters making their private fantasies public. We all know subs have limited refrigeration space.

The latest bout of MIA PM though had tongues wagging over which tropical island the absent father of the nation was wiling away the Christmas days on? A well earned rest, you might say…But those critics have EGG ON THEIR FACES NOW after video and photographs emerged of Boris Johnson PUTTING IN A SHIFT.

And it wasn’t the usual Churchill tribute act with a trowel and some cement. This time the UK’s HARDEST WORKING CURRENT PRIME MINISTER was getting all sweaty and smelly with tarmac and staring into some truly impressive holes.

“Those pot holes in the road won’t fill in themselves,” the PM was captured beaming, as he turned a giant ladle to get the black stuff ready to fill another hole. “With our world beating levelling up fund no private road will go unfilled. And I’m proud to do the heavy lifting myself after all the usual labourers mysteriously disappeared.”

The ability of Boris Johnson to be a “jack of all trades” has long held the UK in rapture and the knowledge that Tory donors won’t have to take their helicopters to the end of the drive anymore is certain to make everyone happy.

“It’s not just potholes he’s filling in,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “With the nation’s workforce mysteriously ravaged and absent due to a surprising wave of that pesky virus Mr Johnson will also be working overtime at vaccination centres. He’s to do not one but two photo shoots today.”

Does the man ever rest?

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PM “takes personal control” of drive to get everyone in UK infected with Omicron “simultaneously”

BY HIS LACK OF WORKS WILL HE BE REMEMBERED : BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson is expected to celebrate the completion of his “greatest work so far” in office with everyone in the UK being infected with the latest pandemic variant at the same time. Sometime in January.

The quest to have a “national measles party” with the dazzling cold which has been “turning heads globally” has been ongoing since the little scrap of RNA got busy a couple of years ago.

“No other country on Earth has the commitment to this pandemic shown by the UK leadership,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you look at it purely in financial terms it has been truly world beating for anyone who sensibly invested in the Tories.”

What exact day in January everyone in the UK is infected at once is open to speculation, but with Mr Johnson’s leadership it is a certainty.

“We’ll be ensuring all new arrivals to the UK are fully tested for the virus,” the source goes on, “so we can identify people not currently carrying it and shove them into the nearest form of public transport.”

There are some critics of the move to infect the entire nation at once “just because Steve Baker can’t be bothered to wear a face mask at Harrods” but they can be ignored because they hate liberty.

“Future medical researchers will thank the current UK administration for the wealth of material they’ll have to study,” the source adds. “You don’t get into the position the UK is in without serious effort from the very top of government.”

To aid the country reach this milestone before “the next variant arrives” Downing Street will be setting up a special hotline where concerned voters can find information about the latest viral hotspots in their area and “get there before everyone is in isolation”.

The ability of Mr Johnson to lead this charge is a symptom of his leadership style and unwillingness to have “Swayne phoning up moaning about his freedoms” when he’s just opened another bottle of champagne at lunch.

“The PM is doing his part from a tropical island right now,” the source concludes. “You can do your part by having a sit down meal in a desperate hospitality venue lacking government support and wait for the virus to arrive in the air swirling around you.”

When we’re all sick at the same time no one will mind. Not least “the NHS” which Downing Street believes “need to be kept busy anyway or they’ll just go curing somebody of cancer”.

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People worried about rising living costs should strike heating deals with “emerging markets” – Tory MP

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : Most people on the continent of Europe are shackled to domestic suppliers for their utilities, and often enough even for food. The people of Britain are different and can now seize the opportunities of a global marketplace “thanks to Brexit”.

Much has been written in the press over recent days about the soaring costs of living in the UK now that it has regained its sovereignty. Doomsayers, worrywarts, girly swots and the terror of modern dialogue, the woke, are wringing their hands over inflation headed towards 10%, but they miss the point of Brexit.

“If you are staring down the barrel of a gas bill that means you can’t afford food then you really need to try harder,” the Tory MP for Bassetdog-in-Baguette tells LCD Views. “Why would anyone choose to stay handcuffed to an old utility supplier when they can strike a deal with one in China or Brazil? Russia, India, Patagonia, all these markets are ready and open to trade with Brits. It’s hard to have much sympathy for a voter who can’t understand how a simple block of butter became so expensive when he hasn’t even tried to import one from Alaska.”

The advice is of course just a welcome extension to the logic of Brexit.

“We had to free ourselves from the largest trading bloc on Earth in order to send Liz Truss globetrotting striking new deals from a much weaker position,” the MP notes. “This was a stroke of genius. No one saw us coming. People will sign anything. They’re so surprised. So imagine what an individual Brit can now do with their sovereignty if they just get on the phone to the other side of the world? If 67m is greater than 500m in terms of deal making, what is the power of one?!”

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Tory MP accused of putting all his Christmas gifts on expenses

IN FOR A PENNY, IN FOR A POUND: A Tory MP has been accused of being a cheapskate. He has claimed the entire cost of his Christmas shopping on expenses. Allegedly. 

The MP for Avarice-on-the-Rise, Fillham Pockitts, has claimed for his every last Christmas expense, right down to tinsel and party hats. I mean, ‘business meeting with cheese and wine’ hats.

Even the tub of individually wrapped miniature chocolates for his local hospital has been claimed for. Each individually wrapped treat has gone down as a separate expense, at a vastly unrealistic value.

It is not yet certain whether all the expenses will be allowed. But in a preemptive move, Mr Pockitts has pleaded for extra consultancy work, in case the Clandestine Expenses Claim Commander decides that the acquisition of a pony, stabling fees, a year’s worth of feed, riding lessons, saddlery etc are not allowable. In which case Mr Pockitts is alleged to want to spend as much time as possible away from his daughter’s wrath.

In a sign that the tideswell of public opinion is finally seeping through into the consciousness of the collective Tory hive mind, Mr Pockitts’ prudence looks to be well placed. “The public, upon whom we rely for our place on the gravy train, must be mollified,” said Parliamentary Standards spokesman Bungus A. Tenor. “Unfortunately, a human sacrifice may be required to satisfy the mob, and Mr Pockitts is taking the piss more than most. He’s just a drone, so it doesn’t matter if he takes the hit.”

The subtext is that, by making an example of Mr Pockitts, other expense claims may be quietly agreed and the matter dropped. A blaze of publicity, a serious word from the Prime Minister considering ‘the matter, erm, yes, no, what, isn’t it, wiff waff, common sense, vaccines, get your jabs, erm, oh yes yes yes, the matter is closed.’

And the runaway gravy train may continue on its way.

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U.K. Gov brings back 500ml bottles of sparkling wine because a mate of Matt’s accidentally bought 10m of them

DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN : FANTASTIC news for a beleaguered pal of a former UK Government cabinet minister today with the decision to force the French to bottle bubbles properly.

It had been feared that a fleeting acquaintance of a Tory MP would be left out of pocket after accidentally placing an order for 10 million 500ml glass bottles with “some foreign chap he met at a dinner”, but the UK Government has stepped up to the plate and the public will pay the price.

“Once we realised that the poor fellow concerned had once made a donation to the Tory Party coffers it was a mere formality to change the law to force sparkling wine producers to produce half litre bottles,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This way some of his profits we be redirected back to the Conservative Party and a virtuous circle completed.”

Whether or not there is any desire in the wine sector to produce champagne in such sizes was clearly not a consideration.

“We’ve a Churchill reference, what more do you need to make the UK’s world beating wine sector match fit for the 21st century?”

But a spokesman for Mr Hancock is rumoured to have said he does not know anything about the deal and he doesn’t appreciate being associated with what would appear to be blatant corruption at best, and something far less seemly at worst.

“The men who died on those beaches laid down their lives so Matt could start proper rumours about attaining high offices of state, not this frothy nonsense.”

The French region of Champagne for its part is said to be enthusiastic after hearing that the UK Government is now calling 500ml a pint.

“We will be producing actual pint bottles just to confuse them,” a source said, before laughing continually until it was time for bed.

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Wearing a suit protects you from omicron, says Dominic Raab

DRESS TO IMPRESS: The latest overpromoted empty vessel in government has demonstrated exactly why the country is in a mess. This time it’s Dim Dom Raab confidently confirming his dimness. 

Raab is well known for his great suitability for being kept away from power and a public voice. It’s handy to remember some of his proudest moments. His mathematical skill, which makes Diane Abbott and even Priti Patel look numerate. His brilliantly tenuous grasp of geography. His brave stance against misogyny towards men. And who could forget the time he claimed that the sea was closed? 

Raab is now chancing his arm at the tricky business of virology. Amid the rows about overpriced dodgy PPE bought by generously funded well-connected Tory mates, and now revelations of industrial scale rule breaking by government departments, Raab has skilfully conflated the two. Wearing a suit, he claims, is the most effective way to deflect a virus. 

In conjunction with self medicational quantities of cheese and wine, the suit can give almost 100% protection. 

“The virus respects smart business dress,” stuttered Raab, sweating like Boris Johnson confronted by an angry and heavily pregnant bit of skirt. “It respects power and authority. This is my takeaway from the latest SAGE report, at least the bits that I could read.” 

There was a pause, as he looked in vain for an escape route. Like a Raabit in the headlights. 

“Err… err…. Levelling up, rolling out, hands space save face, world beating…. Vaccines! Get yourself triple, or even double jabbed! That’s it! Now I remember! And always wear a suit! I recommend a Windsor knot in your tie, the virus won’t go near you if it thinks you are royalty.”

It’s worth reminding ourselves that Dominic Raab was once regarded as a serious Tory leadership candidate. It’s also worth noting that he is most definitely overqualified, given the current incumbent.