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Channel migrants blamed for missing £37bn “spent” on Test & Trace

COMING OVER HERE : There’s been a few questions for some time in the United Kingdom over how in hell the half arsed Test and Trace system cost the taxpayer a cool £37 billion pounds? Especially when comparable countries managed working systems for a lot less money.

Clearly giving the NHS the resources, on the basis that local health authorities already have to trace infectious diseases, was a non-starter, because who’d get obscenely wealthy overnight if that happened?

“A few well connected private companies were chosen because it was payday,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Would you have had us control the virus effectively like some sane, pragmatic and modern country? How many good chaps who donate to the Tories would have benefited from that? I mean once you determine that being poor is one of the greatest risk elevators in the pandemic it’s nothing to worry about.”

Still people are asking where the money went? Especially as for most the experience of the service is that it does not function properly, if at all, although that is the benchmark of Johnson’s Britain.

“It’s really quite easy to explain,” the source goes on, “once you perform a full frontal lobotomy on yourself. It’s the Channel migrants. France is sending them over in boats to steal the money and give it to the EU. Which of course faces bankruptcy every single day without British cash.”

That’s it. A few people in dinghies. They’re to blame for everything and not the scheming, inhuman con artists who decided to let it rip.

“I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad if they knew how to Conga dance and could pay homage to our glorious war dead in a public spectacle.”

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MPs to give up their second jobs to concentrate on consultancy

ALL WORK AND NO PAY: Tory MPs caught up in the second jobs scandal are planning to quit their second jobs to avoid unnecessary scrutiny. For most of them, consultancy comes first. 

There’s a truism that allegedly circulates in Tory circles. Private sector good, public sector bad. Tory MPs are belatedly walking up to the fact that their work representing The People is in the public sector. By becoming MPs, they automatically become their own enemy. Small wonder that so many are confused. 

One such MP is Sir Phil McCoffers, who represents Utterleigh-in-the-Mire. “The public sector is bad, isn’t it?” he mused, gradually untangling what passes for lines of thought in his head. “Low paid. High degree of scrutiny. Insecurity. Well I won’t have it any more! The bloody lefties aren’t going to look into my private financial affairs. I can afford to lose the paltry pay, and I’m not waiting around for the plebs in Utterleigh to kick me out. I’m off.”

So can we expect a by-election in the near future? 

“I expect so, we must proceed with the charade of democracy,” said Sir Phil. “The poor bugger who ‘wins’ will have to square the circle of managing the weekly surgery with putting in respectable hours doing international consultancy. Frankly, my time is better spent giving advice than walking through lobbies.” 

Sir Phil is not alone. Many like him are realising that there are better ways to pocket £82k a year which are away from the public gaze. But there are some who will cling to their current occupation. 

“I can rent a flat in London on expenses,” Sir Phil disclosed. “Basically live in the middle of things for nothing, run a couple of mistresses on the public purse. I don’t do this, obviously, but there are some who would not want to give up this perk. Why do you think Boris doesn’t simply resign and scuttle back under a rock?”

It’s a good question. Follow the money, then follow the trousers. 

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BREAKING : Masks to be worn in two places Tory MPs don’t go from 4pm Tuesday

PICK ANY VARIANT YOU LIKE : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR WORRIED BRITONS that the geniuses governing them will not see any appreciable impact on their own lifestyles by the changes to the rules in the tantric pandemic.

Designing the rules around the lifestyles of Tory MPs and donors has been a key plank of pandemic policy, especially when it comes to the time to discard the rules. Now from 4pm Tuesday masks will have to be worn on public transport and in the supermarket, but not anywhere fun, so that’s alright.

“This is because the crafty little virus really only targets places where poor people go,” newly promoted Tory Minister for Infections, Basil Toilet-Brush MP told LCD Views. “You know, those little crowded cans they shuffle back and forward in to the mill. Or to mill as a low value economic unit may say. Also to market. But fine dining, the pub and the sweaty private rooms of private members clubs will be immune from the inconveniences.”

The decision to give the new variant several days grace before the change in the rules has also been seen as displaying the PM’s sense of “sportsmanship” and “fair play”.

“There’s no suggestion we will need until late Tuesday to pick donors to throw lucrative contracts at,” the minister reassured.

Fears about non-compliance with the new rules have been eased too, especially in the knowledge that Tory MPs are incapable of adhering to basic rules which safeguard other people.

“There are two places Tory MPs simply do not go,” Toilet-Brush MP stated. “That’s the supermarket and on public transport. So there is no need to fear any of us being fined for non-compliance. We will be in full compliance with the law. The drones who serve us will have to fight for themselves in Tesco. Or on the tube. But that’s fine by us because we don’t care. Now. Another glass of pandemic? It’s a very good vintage this year.”

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UK PM “FURIOUS” after SAS refuse mission to leave burning bag of dog poo on Macron’s doorstep

WHO DARES SINS : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reportedly “livid” after the famous British Special Air Service refused a direct order to undertake a secret, diplomatic mission to France said to be “about Johnson’s level of statecraft”.

There were high expectations in 10 Downing Street of British boots on French soil, but not on the beaches, but those hopes now lay dashed because of an outbreak of “snowflakery” in the elite commando force.

“Is Mr Johnson the Commander in Chief or not?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views, because apparently no one in the famous address actually knew.

It’s said that the Prime Minister himself personally dreamed up the idea of taking a brown paper bag, filling it with Dylin (the prop dog’s) poo and ordering the SAS to sneak into France and leave it BURNING on the front steps of the Élysée Palace.

“What has happened to the famous fighting spirit of British troops?” the source queried. “Putting it up the French is the sole purpose of British enlisted men and always has been, without fail. Is this the 21st century or not? We’ll have to look at a private alternative.”

The decision by the SAS to refuse the mission means that a new defence force review will be ordered by 10 Downing Street.

“Clearly we need a patriotic to takeover. Preferably one who books their profits in a tax haven but makes their money in the U.K. We are going to need to modernise the SAS to make it fit for purpose for the bizarre mind palace the small man in 10 Downing Street lives in.”

For their part their French appear to have declined to comment on the leaked plans preferring instead to use their membership of the largest trading bloc on Earth to wield influence.

“SAS or SAD?” Mr Johnson is said to be asking anyone he can find inside 10 Downing Street, and will continue to do so until someone laughs just to make him shut up and go away.

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Downing Street U TURNS on new social care policy and replaces it with “THE PLAGUE”

CARING CONSERVATIVES : 10 Downing Street has responded today to criticism of its plan for social care and replaced the entire system with the Bubonic Plague.

The decision to replace the entire costly and inadequately staffed sector with a virulent disease is being seen as hailing a “return to basics” and “traditional old age policy”.

“You won’t have to worry about selling your home to pay for your care if you catch yersini pestis the moment you retire,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a stroke of genius. And your kids get to inherit your home instantly. This is a levelling up decision which means it doesn’t matter how much your home is worth, everyone with kids will see them inherit it the day they get their first pension cheque. Well, I say see, that’s not entirely accurate as you’ll be in a fever as part of a rapid deterioration in your health. But you get the gist.”

But critics of the plan have pointed out that simply knocking people off with a disease that takes you out within 48 hours will see the booming PPE sector “wither on the vine”.

“No. That is just more nonsense from the opposition. The need for plague doctor outfits will be continual. Anyone who’s ever bought a drink for a sitting, or former Tory MP, can be reassured of receiving a contract for those beak things plague doctors wear worth many millions.”

The plague will be developed locally too and will avoid the supply chain issues faced by many sectors of the UK economy because of some weird magic that occurred the moment Brexit got done.

“This is an Oven Ready Bubonic Plague and underlines exactly how much the Prime Minister cares about the hardworking men and women of this country.”

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UK issues deportation notices to Nobel Prize winners who failed to apply for visas

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING HOME OFFICE is giving the stick to thousands of foreign scientists who have attempted to undermine Brexit.

Early this morning Home Office Secretary Priti Patel began personally signing deportation notices to all the foreign scientists and Nobel laureates who thumbed their nose at her offer to come and work in the UK via the special fast track visa scheme.

“They think they can do Great Britain down? Well they’ll have to think again now!” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “We extend the open palm of friendship and give them a way to leapfrog the queues at are boarders but they’re too good for us? We will see about that.”

The deportations will be actioned immediately with many of the Nobel prize winners finding themselves rapidly moved to a grimy, unheated, virus infected concrete blockhouse prior to being shipped back to where they haven’t come from.

“Clearly there’s a few technical difficulties involved in deporting people who aren’t in the country,” the source explains. “We’ve hired actors to play the roles of the Nobel prize winners and they have now been released into our communities to perform. Immigration enforcement officers will soon track them down and place them under lock and key. After that it will be a swift kick up the back side and over the Channel and into France with them!”

The deportations in absentia will act as a warning for any other category of foreign talent who try and undermine Brexit.

“We’re a successful country who welcomes anyone who wishes to contribute to our political culture of government via tabloid,” the source adds. “Once the world sees what happens to you if you don’t come here they’ll soon get the message to stay away. Which is just the way we like it.”

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Nadine Dorries to be made minister for telling lefties to f*ck off

IT’S TIME THAT WE SHOWED EACH OTHER A BIT OF RESPECT: There is no place for disrespect in politics. At least, that’s the case if you are talking about the party in power. 

The Minister for Culture, Innit, Nadine Dorries, is to oversee Operation Gobstopper. This will ensure that anyone found to be abusing their right to free speech (by criticising the government) is silenced. 

Clearly, respect flows both ways. But the government is by definition respectable. Lefties, who fail to appreciate the great works of the Johnson government, are therefore disrespectful. They deserve no respect, and Dorries is therefore well within her rights to tell them to f*ck off. 

“The moment The Left admit that we won, they lost, and therefore that we are right, then dialogue might be possible,” explained Department for Culture, Innit wonk Snowy Flake. “They just need to understand that. But if they will insist on bringing up the same tired, old rubbish about sleaze and corruption and democracy, then it is our patriotic duty to tell them to f*ck off. And Nadine is exactly the right person to do it!” 

Flake explained that it is not disrespectful to use bad language in the correct context. 

“The finest swear words have their place,” he said. “England is the only country under discussion here. Any reference to the treacherous tinpot realms beyond our English Channel will be repelled with English Anglo-Saxon expletives. It’s simply a question of patriotism. Bow down to Boris or get stuffed, that’s Nadine’s message.”

So Dorries will be Minister for Telling Lefties to F*ck Off, and the tabloids will lap it up. The press will become an even more antisocial media. 

A useful rule, in addition, that was sneaked out without fanfare, is that it will become illegal to contradict Nadine Dorries, or indeed anyone else in the Tory party. Naysayers will feel the full force of Operation gobstopper.

And any mention of Brexit will result in deportation. To Albania, Ascension Island, or somewhere else suitably foreign. 

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Save Easter – British supermarkets ordered to put up Easter displays before Christmas

A PERFECTLY NORMAL COUNTRY : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to have solved the problem of how to keep morale high post Christmas in post-Brexit Britain.

Speculation had been rife that once the 90 days of Christmas concludes with actual Christmas 2021 that the public may feel there isn’t a lot to look forward to, but there is.

“We’re going to save Easter next,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “There was a lot of debate in cabinet over which national holiday to focus on next with Mrs Johnson pushing for Valentine’s Day, but she was eventually over ruled by a collective vote by some foreign donors. So Easter it is.”

The battle to save Easter will begin before the battle to safe Christmas is concluded in order to make the endless struggle to salvage national holidays “seamless”.

“Easter needs Great Britain more than Great Britain needs Easter,” the source explains. “As soon as we fill the aisles of the country’s supermarkets with chocolate eggs the people of this great nation will see that everything is under control.”

Extending national holidays over many months has become a key plank of Brexit governance.

“There is some speculation that Christmas may need to become a year long festival that begins on the 1st of January and concludes on the 31st December. But that is a decision to be taken after we actually implement the Brexit people voted for. Currently our borders are pretty much open to smuggle in whatever goods you like, so we may get away with just a three month long affair like this year. Everything is normal. Look! Doors have wreaths on them in November!”

Quite what the nation’s major supermarkets think about having to start saving Easter before they’ve finished saving Christmas isn’t yet clear.

“They’ll do as they’re told,” the source shrugs, “or the Prime Minister will turn up to one of their annual meetings and give a speech. And no one needs that when they’re battling supply chain issues.”

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Downing Street launch “Peer2Peer” a new site where Tory donors can buy peerages at bargain prices

CHEAP AT HALF THE PRICE : GREAT NEWS TODAY for people seeking to buy themselves a piece of the UK’s world beating democracy with the launch of Peer2Peer.

“Peer2Peer is a revolution in access to the inner workings of British parliamentary democracy,” a 10 Downing Street press release reveals. “With just a few simple steps anyone can open an account on our new world beating site and get the peerage they desire.”

Owning a seat in the House of Lords is the new “must have” acquisition for anyone who already “has it all”.

“On Peer2Peer you aren’t limited to buying life peerages for yourself you can also SAVE CHRISTMAS by entering the BARGAIN BASEMENT ZONE and pick up a knighthood for someone you love. Peer2Peer makes unelected, representative democracy truly accessible for anyone who wants in.”

But Peer2Peer won’t just be the preserve of the ultra-wealthy looking to purchase peerages and other honours, there will also be a swap and cash out room for those who have decided it’s time to move on.

“Peer2Peer’s preloved room will allow owners of ermine to sell or trade their peerages with others. If you’re facing a financial squeeze and want to liquidise some assets then the PRELOVED ZONE is the right place for you. Or maybe you want to collect a set of peerages? Just open the app and see who is selling today. Peerages can be sold at a fixed price or auctioned just like on Ebay!”

The only restriction to opening an account is you must be a proven Tory Party donor.

“So long as you’ve donated a penny to the ruling party you can open an account. You’ll receive a link to download the software and if you’ve already hit the minimum threshold of £3m your avatar will be blue lit. If you’re under that if will be red. But don’t fret. The moment you pass the donation threshold your comic character will turn Tory blue.”

Peer2Peer – it will have your neighbour’s green with envy. Sign up today and receive a free copy of the Magna Carta.

*Terms and conditions apply.

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Home Office starts issuing Channel refugees with French passports

PRITI IS AS PRITI DOES : The UK’s world beating Home Secretary is said to be laughing like a drain today after she finally hit on a solution for what she perceives as the problem of humans in the English Channel.

It’s been well known for some time that Ms Patel is seeking a way to stop people coming to the UK by thinking “outside of the box”. Everything from dressing Border Force agents up as crocodiles to building a floating wall of inflatable Johnsons has been considered to stop people crossing the Channel. But now she’s nailed it.

“The arms industry is ecstatic,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “So too fossil fuel lobbyists. Not to mention whatever remains of the UK’s service sector which assists foreign investors with their hard won money. Those three drivers of migration from foreign places would prefer no one talks about why people choose to undertake often fatal journeys in search of a new life. Ms Patel is their greatest asset.”

The solution to the refugee crisis is definitely unexpected too.

“She’s going to let them all land at Dover,” the source advises. “Which may seem counterintuitive but the devil is in the detail.”

And the detail will show the French who is boss of that strip of water.

“All the asylum seekers will be given safe passage to our shores and immediately given passports,” the source explains. “But the passports will be French. It’s genius. Then France will have to take them all back. It’s a wonder no one thought of this before. We couldn’t have done this if we hadn’t have done Brexit.”

The new scheme will come into force just as soon as a French company has been contracted to produce the passports.

“The alternative is to treat the people who make it across the Channel like humans, properly screen them, determine their skill sets and assist them in integrating into society, working and paying taxes. But that’s far too German for Boris Johnson’s government.”