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BREAKING : DOWNING STREET to hold BOGOF sale of Tory MPs this weekend!

PRE-LOVED CONDITION : 10 DOWNING STREET is to combat the wave of sleaze which threatens to overwhelm the Johnson administration by “letting everyone have a piece of the action”.

The plan appears to be to hold a sale of Tory MPs modelled along the line of major supermarkets and “Buy One and Get One Free” offers. The price of MPs will be set at standard market rates, but a real bargain given you’ll get a second Tory MP for free.

“Or both for half price,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s all a question of how you look at it. Why not pick up a Jenrick and a Hancock when you’re doing your grocery shopping this weekend? Okay, the used by date on both is a bit ripe, but they still have the same old contact book and access to the heart of government. Shapps is an exception though, because he is several people at once, allegedly. That’s a real hidden gem. Get in early to avoid disappointment!”

What customers do with the MPs once they own them is up to them.

“It just depends on your area of special interest,” the source advises. “If you are enjoying the opportunities that have been provided by the opening up of the public sector to privatisation than owning two MPs can really help boost your profits. Don’t want to spend money on expensive, imported chemicals and couldn’t care less what happens to the UK’s waterways because you live in a mansion on the Med? Get in!”

But critics of the move have said the sales will be on “false premises” because the recent scandal involving Owen Paterson proves that “Tory MPs are already in full ownership by special interests”.

To keep demand high though people purchasing MPs won’t have to list the acquisition with any official registry as “that boring accountability stuff is all pre-Brexit”. If you find yourself owning a pair though you will be encouraged to treat them like a small and pampered dog so they “don’t get restless and shit on the sofa or chew up your favourite slippers like Paterson did.”

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Government to make post of Prime Minister hereditary

STRONG AND STABLE SUCCESSION : DOWNING STREET has moved to quell concerns over the future of the Prime Minister today with a new law making the post hereditary.

The decision to keep the job of PM “in the family” by Mr Johnson is believed to have been prompted by speculation over his future as Prime Minister. Tory MPs are said to be restless after the stunning discovery that rampant, corrupt shithousery by Tory MPs is not exactly a vote winner.

“We thought we’d left the 1990’s far behind us,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “No one associates hardworking Tory MPs with sleaze anymore. Most of them work several jobs to show what good value they are to the corporate taxpayer. It’s a total shock. But this new law means that the polls can do what they like. As soon as they boot Johnson out another Johnson will be swinging in their faces.”

But critics of the move are said to be concerned it will not provide the promised stability but lead to “political bloodletting and squabbling over the crown not seen since 10th century Scotland.”

Mr Johnson is said to be unrepentant and anticipating being placed in the Lords by whichever of his children succeed him as PM.

“There will still be elections,” the source adds. “No one should worry about a further erosion of democratic standards in the UK. To guarantee the validity of future elections to the Commons, for non-hereditary MPs, we’re planning to make it legal to pay people to vote Tory. You’ll see our popularity remains sky high. It’s really just furthering the scheme which currently sees regeneration cash going predominately to Tory held areas.”

The post of PM’s dog was also expected to become hereditary until someone remembered they chopped Dylin’s nuts off because Mr Johnson was upset by the competition whenever it was time to shag a visitor’s legs.

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MPs to take a recess so they can catch up with their second jobs

IF A JOB’S WORTH DOING: Hard working MPs are to have yet another recess. With all the crises and scandals taking up their time, many MPs have fallen behind with their jobs on the side. 

In Boris Johnson’s case, he will be spending the week sourcing a fridge large enough for the entire cabinet to hide in. 

A case in point is Phil Thirich, MP for Croesus Central. He posted updates on his live blog feed. 

“Another recess! Thank goodness the idiot Boris has finally decided to take the heat out of things,” he wrote. “My partners at Croesus Cash Cow Consultancy were anxious that I should fulfil my usual commitments. After all, at over £1,000 an hour, it’s a much better use of my time than sitting in Parliament listening to that dreadful snowflake Bryant. Not to mention having to memorise a new set of lies – I mean, lines – every few hours. It’s so tiring, when instead one can make a few calls, lunch, booze & shmooze, golf, dinner, and wrap up another few mill of business over brandy and cigars. That’s what puts caviar on the table, being an MP is just like a hobby, it helps me keep in touch with the right people, and the pocket money comes in handy of course.”

Thirich is right, of course. Obscene amounts of money don’t just earn themselves. Unless you are supposed to be procuring PPE or employed on a pay-per-policy basis. 

We ordinary mortals must remember that our MPs have their own priorities. They cannot be expected to spend all their time voting to pump shit into the rivers on our behalf. 

After all, given that so many of their constituents are obliged to work two or more jobs in order to make ends meet, it is only right that our representatives set a good example. 

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BREAKING : PM didn’t wear mask to hospital as he thought “it was a strip club”

NAUGHTY BUT NICE : DOWNING STREET has broken its silence over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s failure to wear a mask during a recent hospital visit.

The visit occurred last Monday at the same time as Parliament was holding a debate on corruption, following the complete miscarriage of justice that disgraced, former corporate lobbyist Owen Paterson was a victim of.

“Mr Johnson was merely attempting to encourage a local business in the North,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s part of his levelling up agenda. He’s not just going to sit at home in London listening to Carrie drone on about how unsuitable the latest nanny is when there’s a country to save!”

It was further explained that it was not the PM’s fault that he missed the parliamentary debate on corruption as “he’s already an expert in the subject and could not have learned anything by attending”.

But when pressed as to the PM’s failure to mask up in the hospital, the source was unrepentant.

“We’ve got just the greatest pandemic numbers. Not many people know this, but the UK is leading the world with the virus. We did not get to this pole position by having a Prime Minister too weak to face the virus head first and take it on the chin.”

There was also though a secondary reason for Mr Johnson presenting himself in the most infectious manner possible to overworked and exhausted, fully masked hospital staff.

“To be perfectly frank he thought he was visiting a strip club. He was bloody disappointed to find it was not a medical themed one but an actual hospital. He had his expectations exceptionally high for a fun afternoon. Even the only alcohol present was in hand sanitiser and you just try drinking that without a piece of cucumber.”

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Many Tory MPs officially unemployed as they don’t work enough hours

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : STUNNING STATISTICS TODAY FROM THE DEPARTMENT FOR WORK AND PENSIONS, FOLLOWING A FREEDOM REQUEST BY AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE.

The Source is said to have become concerned that Tory MPs were working too hard and many at risk of exhaustion. The concern resulted from the clearly baffled and disorientated interviews given by Tory meat shields of late.

“I figured it’s exhaustion,” the Source told LCD Views. “There’s a lot of problems facing the UK due solely to global supply chain issues and I figured the poor buggers never get a moments rest.”

But the Source discovered the opposite when they received the requested information.

“Most of them are officially listed as unemployed due to not working enough hours each week to qualify as being in employment,” the source explains. “Due to a quirk in our parliamentary system they still get paid. This leads to a lot of confusion. Most members of the public blithely assume their animated blue rosettes are working for their constituencies. This is most definitely not the case. MPs are too busy seeking additional means of income to focus on what is in theory their job.”

The misunderstanding has been made worse by Tory MPs reportedly having numerous jobs at the same time.

“None of them work an hour a week in any of the jobs,” the source says. “In spite of being paid tens of thousands of pounds per year. There’s a real fear that if a way is found to automate handing over a book of government contacts then the MPs will be entirely redundant. The system needs reform. They should be able to add all the hours they spend as lobbyists together and then they’ll be spared the shame of being listed as unemployed.”

In the interim the MPs are advised to apply for Universal Credit.

“You may as well get what you can,” the source shrugs. “How they’re expected to make ends meet on just £82K a year, with benefits, expenses and pension, is beyond me. Have you seen the rate of inflation lately!”

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EXCLUSIVE: Tory MP WITHOUT second job exposed

NAME AND SHAME: Extensive scrutiny of the list of members’ interests has thrown up an anomaly. There appears to be a Conservative MP who does not have a second job. 

LCD Views checked out not just the Official Register, but the lesser known Complete Register which goes into a lot more detail. This is kept jealously by Tory Central HQ, and its purpose is to make sure the gravy train stays on the rails. Occasionally though it gets leaked, genuinely accidentally for once, by careless MPs who share it on their WhatsApp groups and unsecure email accounts.

One name that appears on neither list is Finn Gersin-Manypies, Tory MP for the Rotten Borough of Morecash-in-the-Bank. Gersin-Manypies has a poor attendance record, although he has consistently voted for measures designed to enrich himself and to divert responsibility elsewhere.

This is the typical profile of an MP who treats government as a hobby, while raking it in big time from more lucrative employment. One thinks of Boris Johnson, never too busy running the country to pose for another photo-op, or bang out another fifteen hundred words of purest guff for The Daily Telegraph. Or Geoffrey Cox, pocketing hundreds of thousands of pounds for speaking impressively in Court and only attending Parliament on his days off (allegedly).

You think of the disgraced Owen Paterson, with his “second” jobs being as his employer’s inside agent. And there are many more such humdrum examples.

But what does Gersin-Manypies actually get up to when not MP-ing? Nobody really knows, and no Tory MP admits to knowing him. Nor does Morecash-in-the-Bank appear on any map. But his voting record is identical to over 100 other, equally anonymous MPs.

Nobody seems to know who is wielding this incredibly block vote, which enables the Tories to ram through any piece of legislation they like. Nobody seems to know where the salaries go to, either.

“I consider the matter closed,” said the PM in response to our questions. “Now is not the time, nor will it ever be.”

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BREAKING : Government to change dictionary definition of corruption to mean honour

WELCOME TO THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH: The government has abandoned yet another parliamentary principle. This time the rule they have smashed apart is “never go full Orwell”. 

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” And now these delicious statements are joined by “Corruption is honour”. 

In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act. This latest statement, being both (internal) truth and (external) deceit, makes it a paradoxical tautology on a par with Brexit Means Brexit. 

For there is hardly an influential Conservative MP without fingers in many pies. Our right honourable friends are as corrupt as shit. Picture the covid crisis, for example. Watch as £37bn is spent, on apparently very little, right under the watchful eyes of the Clandestine Anti-Corruption Commander, who failed to notice his wife creaming off exorbitant sums of public money. Rejoice as Matt’s Mates are given squillions, ostensibly to obtain PPE but in fact to splash out on mansions. Cheer the well connected company which took government money to buy overpriced equipment which was never used, and instead stored it in its own facility, charging £1m per day for storage. 

All part of the loyal, patriotic, honorable business of diverting public money into private hands. 

Then let’s consider the entirely honourable business of paying MPs for favours. Owen Paterson was forced to resign not because he was “corrupt”, but did the dishonourable thing of being found out. 

There is no need to mention the fact that £3m is the going rate for a peerage these days. 

By simply redefining what woke lefties call corruption as honour, so many obstacles are removed from the path to Brexit nirvana. 

There is nothing wrong with using money and influence to gain more money and influence. This is why such business must be conducted using burner phones, which may then be “lost”, “broken”, or “given away”, according to the Lord Bethell List of Plausible Excuses. 

After all, what the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over. 

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BREAKING: Cost of a peerage reduced to only £3m thanks to Brexit

LORDING IT OVER US: Another Brexit benefit has been discovered. Thanks to the reduction in EU red tape, the price of a seat in the House of Lords has been reduced to a cut-price £3m.

Those who say this devalues the peerage have been denounced as jealous moaning woke snowflakes, by people who also insist on civility in public life. 

“You don’t get something for nothing,” chided Justin Uffter-Livon, Number Ten’s special advisor on frequent parliamentary pay rises. “As we all know, the basic, and I use the word advisedly, salary for an MP is barely sufficient for sustaining the bare essentials.” 

That’s another issue. How can political influence be a commodity to be bought and sold in a modern democracy? 

“It is a reward for blameless and selfless work on behalf of the Conservative Party,” said Uffter-Livon. “And now, thanks to the elimination of EU red tape, we have removed any lefty obligations to demonstrate any kind of public service. This means that we can now deliver democracy at a very reasonable price!” 

Is interesting that “only” £3m is described as “very reasonable”. It is a price way beyond the means of most people. 

“I dispute that,” said Uffter-Livon. “In fact, there must be a device to ensure that the hoi polloi, the riff raff, the great unwashed, never threaten the Great British power structures. They are being excluded for their own good, so that the country may be rightly ruled by those sufficiently high skilled. Indeed, lowering the bar to just £3m has opened up the field to many more suitable candidates.”

Presumably the next logical step is to sponsor a Lord, and reduce Parliament to a franchise system paid for by the wealthy? 

“Great idea, thank you,” smirked Uffter-Livon. “Cash for questions? No, Money for Members. It’s the way backwards, I mean forwards.” 

Buy a Baron! Roll up, roll up! 

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Boris Johnson to take personal responsibility for fighting corruption

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL: With Westminster rocked by corruption scandals, and many further allegations flying around, it’s time to Take Back Control. The most-investigated Prime Minister ever, Boris Johnson, has vowed to take full personal responsibility for standing up for high standards and decency.

There is only one small problem with this. Johnson, apparently, has absolutely no idea what the expression “take full personal responsibility” means.

This has never stopped him promising it, though. For example, despite the PM’s promise to take full personal responsibility for the UK’s pandemic response, we have a world beating death rate per capita. This responsibility for Brexit talks and Brexit job losses has not remotely been matched by any action. His full personal responsibility for Air Bridges for overseas holidaymakers is matched only to his commitment to the Garden Bridge, the Contract Bridge, the Bridge Over Troubled Water and Andrew Bridgen.

So the news that he is to take full personal responsibility for fighting corruption is to be welcomed in the same way that Johnson welcomes another trip to the STI clinic or a detox session. On his watch, we know that (for example) one company was contracted to buy PPE at an inflated price. When this proved to be unusable, it was simply stored – causing a shortage of shipping containers – and the same company charges £1m per day in storage charges. So no corruption there. Absolutely nothing to see.

And surely this is only the tip of the iceberg. Only this week we have seen Johnson’s desperate attempts to change the rules on corruption and accountability so that they do not apply to him. If that’s not taking full personal responsibility, then I don’t know what is.

But we may rest assured. With the Prime Minister in charge of marking his own plagiarised homework, what could possibly go wrong?

The megabucks stop here.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson ENDS climate change by changing the definition of climate change

COP THAT : WORLD LEADERS are to be rewarded for all the hard work they’ve done lately in talking about climate change by world leading UK world leader Boris Johnson.

“It’s great PR having everyone get together and talk about the need to do something before we all die,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve scheduled further talks to talk about doing something before we all burn and suffocate in our own inability to put longterm ecological viability over the short term profit of oil producers. There’s nothing to worry about. Climate change is well underway. I mean well in hand. We’re going to make a success of it.”

And to prove how easily it will be to make a success of climate change Mr Johnson is to lead the world in tackling it. Instantly. It will all now just go away.

“He’s going to change the definition of climate change,” the source beams. “It’s worked for the Tory government since coming back to its rightful place as holders of office. We have a problem with unemployment? Simple. Change the definition of unemployment. Same with poverty. The same with pandemic death figures. Anything you like basically. If a word is giving you trouble because it screams reality, just change its definition to point away from reality. Then you can sit back and soak up the profits.”

What the new definition is will also be seen as a further sign of Mr Johnson’s visionary genius. His ability to cut through the knottiest of Gordian knots.

“This is where it gets really clever. It’s easy to do something big about climate change,” the source explains. “You’ll love it. Mr Johnson will mention Alexander the Great. This will show he’s serious because he’s used as classical reference. Then he’ll just change the definition of climate change to weather. It’s a stroke of genius. Everyone knows weather is changeable. Now there is nothing to worry about. We’ve cut through the Gordian knot and can all go back to business as usual.”