LCD Views

This loyal thrall of Boris, this septic isle. This hearth of mediocrity, this seat of arses. This other Eton, demi-parasite. This fortress built by Neoliberalism for herself against inspection and the hand of peace.

This hapless breed of men, this little England, this putrid shit set in a septic tank, which serves it in the office of a wall, or as a tariff defensive to a trade deal. Against the ennui of more happier lands: this betrayal plot, this urchin, this rogue, this England.

This England, or “The UK” according to Dominic “throbbing vein” Raab, is revelling in regaining the title of The Sick Man Of Europe. Not since the decline during the 1970s and the admission into the fledgling EU has this been the case. To be, or not to be in the EU, that was the question: Whether ’twas nobler in the media to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous policy, or to take arms against a sea of remoaners, and by opposing end them.

We all know the answer to that.

Now, thanks to the coronavirus pandemic, the crown has been won again, over six months ahead of schedule. For in that sleep of death what covid may bring when we shuffle off this mortal coil, must give us pause – there’s the number of deaths we can get away with before declaring herd immunity a success.

In celebration, Send ‘Em Home Secretary Priti Patel has issued her new album, Greatest Hits: When Smirkey Sings. As well as classics like Smirk Gets In Your Face, Get It Done, and Smirk On The Watered-Down Fascism, is the hit single Ending Free Movement. This song is expected to gain the now traditional nul points at Eurovision.

We don’t need no education, cough the covid-suffering sick men of Britain, as we put another brick in the wall separating the UK from the 21st century.

And what will come of this England? The undiscover’d country, from whose borders no traveller returns? To die, to sleep, perchance to dream of past glories.

Herd insanity: We state our position, and covid-19 will be forced to make concessions, claim government sources. Let’s see who blinks first.

It’s the true bulldog spirit. Face the enemy square in the eye, and refuse to budge under any circumstances. It worked for Brexit: look at how many times the EU crumbled! It’s a long game. We will dig in, ignore health and safety regulations, and see who dies first.

Leading this refusal to take any kind of action at all is former Brexit Secretary David Davis. He spoke to LCD Views from his modest palace in Middle England.

“We hold all the cards,” he burbled, working his way through his third bottle of Chateau Maison d’Homme Anglais of the morning. “Covid-19 needs us more than we need it, so it will be desperate to bow down before our Imperial might.”

But infection and deaths in the UK are disastrous, especially when you compare with Germany.

“Yes, yes, exactly,” waffled Davis. “Too many deaths, and there won’t be anyone left to buy their cars! It’s in the German car manufacturers’ best interests to do a deal.”

And how do you deal with a virus?

“Oh, I’m sure somebody will come up with a technological solution sooner or later,” he burped casually. “Fishing rights are key. Eat more fish! British fish, with British chips, caught in British waters, using boats that went to Dunkirk! British bulldog, one, two, three!”

Then what happens?

“We wait for everything to fall into place,” be continued complacently. “Covid means covid, and we are going to make a Titanic success of it!”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

“The best news is that we don’t have to do anything!” he concluded. “We wait for covid to blink first, and it will, there is absolutely no doubt. These tricky foreign buggers always do. Then we can stroll away into the sunlit uplands, never to be heard of again!”

David Davis, about to enjoy the obscurity he, and the country, so richly deserve.

YOU WON’T LIKE WHAT YOU FIND : Downing Street has confirmed this morning that overgrown child bully Boris ‘de death rattle’ Johnson is to feature on milk cartons.

“The prime minister is missing,” a source inside Downing Street confirms, “although it’s not fair to say he is missing in action as that implies he is working.”

Happily there is a wide selection of photo portraits to choose from as the search commences.

“It’s not accurate to say the search is commencing,” the source interjected, “more that it is resuming. He’s like a boy, always running away from home and having to be returned by an authority figure.”

Plans to pin a name tag and address label on Mr Johnson are also advancing, in the hope that he won’t be bothered to take them off before he next goes missing.

There are currently no plans to offer a reward for his safe discovery, as even the members of his own party are said to be growing weary of his complete abdication of leadership.

“We’re not making many milk cartons available,” the source adds, “contrary to the health secretary’s claims we will ramp up their production. We don’t actually want him to be found. Dom can manage to ruin the country perfectly well on his own tyvm.”

If by chance Mr Johnson turns up in the HoC for lunch time, he will almost certainly go missing again soon after.

But critics of the decision to release the portraits have suggested it would be better to feature the entirety of British parliamentary democracy, as that has been missing since June 2016, when the advisory opinion poll was won with proven corruption and the country’s politicians sailed merrily on.

PLAYING WITH MATCHES : MASS RELIEF TODAY as a legitimate professor from the University of Life has confirmed that it is now safe for most British children to return to school.

Speaking at a packed press conference this morning, Professor Noes Fucall, said they have been consulting with the second rate fireplace salesman, Gav “spider” Williamson, who serves as Education Secretary symbolically, and prime minister Boris Johnson.

Their comments were greeted with a measure of initial scepticism, as everyone knows that Boris Johnson does not work weekends.

“British kids currently can’t catch or pass on the bubonic plague,” Professor Fucall shrugged, “so I see no reason there should be any difference with Covid-1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and Twentyteen. Did I miss any? 7? Did I say 7?”

The expert opinion serves to reinforce the government as it attempts to get kids back to school, so the mistresses of Tory MPs can offload their own offspring onto cheerful, working class nannies, and thus go out to lunch again.

“There really is only one important criteria to consider when thinking about sending children out to create massive petri dishes swarming with viral matter,” the Professor added, “and that is the credit score of the parents. Clearly we advise that private schools remain closed for the summer.”

LCD Views would like to commend the government for involving experts from such a famous university in the decision, and believes the input of Professor Fucall more than compensates for not having consulted the relevant DfE staff, or anyone with any relevant expertise at all.

All the parents involved in this publication concur also with the protective bubble the government is promising, and will continue to keep our children in the one they’re already in, rather than the mad science experiment the government wants to run. To. Learn. Things. Already. Known. About. The. Virus.