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Specsavers files for bankruptcy after Historic England offers 2 for 1 on eye tests

SEE OUR CASTLES IN 20/20 IN 2020 : FAMOUS HIGH STREET OPTOMETRISTS SPECSAVERS are rumoured to be on the brink of bankruptcy today after Historic England parked its trebuchets on their lawn.

“The offer of two for one on eye tests is like an arrow in the eye for a lionheart of the high street,” our In-Hindsight correspondent reports, “the move by Historic England mirrors those already made this week by English Heritage and the National Trust.”

The threat seems to be heavily based on how much more cost efficient organisations based on historic buildings can be in providing eye testing services.

“Does Specsavers have car parks? Can you get a cream tea there? Can you spend an hour queuing to purchase a radically overpriced sausage roll, like you can at the NT? No way. There’s no wallet killing tea and scone based killing ground. And with the convenience of an eye test which involves merely arriving at the destination without causing a fatal collision, well, should have gone to a Specsavers is destined for the history books.”

Specsavers themselves appear to be blindsided by the move, which comes after super genius Dominic “contempt of parliament” Cummings invented the disruptive way of checking your vision.

But not everyone is pleased. Former customers of the high street brand and Historic England visitors say they feel like they’ve been taken for mugs.

“To think of all the time I’ve wasted getting my eyes tested at a well known high street brand name in order to see the tapestries clearly on my weekend outings to historic properties?” one invented customer complained, “if I’d seen this coming I wouldn’t have watched my money fly like an arrow shot true out of my wallet.”

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Boris Johnson denies ever having met Dominic Cummings

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has spoken to the press pack this morning to clear up some misconceptions.

As the furore over an unelected, unaccountable advisor (purportedly in Mr Johnson’s team) breaking Coronavirus lockdown laws rumbles on into a second week, Mr Johnson has sought to distance himself from the scandal.

“I have been made aware that some junior staffer was able to set up a card table in the Rose Garden today and have some friends around,” Mr Johnson told reporters, “I must say I was surprised when it was suggested I know the individual personally. I have never met this Dominic Cummings or his wife. And if I did meet him I would give him the cold shoulder. Frankly any prime minister that would expend political capital attempting to save one advisor needs their head examined. It would make the country a laughing stock. By the way, I do all my own work.”

But the credibility of Mr Johnson’s claims have been called into question after video footage emerged showing the pair in the frame together numerous times, over many years.

“Deep fakes,” Mr Johnson dismissed the evidence of people’s own eyes, “we’re deep fakes. I mean the photographs are deep fakes. You will all recall the famous Edwardian images of faeries? Exactly like that.”

Whether or not the public will believe Mr Johnson’s robust assertion that he is not acquainted with Mr Cummings remains to be seen. Some inside Downing Street do believe that the truth hasn’t mattered since 24th June 2016. And there’s a fair bit of evidence that so far they are right.

But Mr Cummings himself is sticking by his own claims over the closeness of the relationship between the prime minister and himself.

“He’s my sock puppet, he’ll do exactly what I please or people will start talking about the ghastly Covid-19 death toll in the UK again. Oh and his little trip to Italy. How many illegitimate children he has. What’s in the Russia Report. Who paid for the holiday in Mustique. The Arcuri whitewash may well get unwashed. And so on. It’s a bloody long list. I’m a genius.”

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Sauron to address Middle Earth at 3pm after press conference by Saruman fails to end controversy

ONE LIE TO RULE THEM ALL : Middle Earth waits with baited breath today after the announcement that Sauron itself will address all the races at 3pm today.

The surprising move comes after yesterday’s press conference, held by his drunken, captive wizard of bollocks, Boris Saurman Johnson, failed to end a controversy over who exactly is governed by the one ring.

Clearly while the one ring designed to rule them all may have its legal instructions engraved in the metal, it’s just as clear that someone has to wield the power, so how can you expect them to also be subject to it?

What Sauron will say isn’t clear though, as it usually talks directly into the minds of the individuals of any given race it strives to enslave, via their social media.

Those wishing for some fake contrition maybe in for a surprise, after the Eye was heckled mercilessly by hobbits in the street yesterday. Could this have led to a concern about popularity? And the feasibility of finishing off the rule of men while being too much a focus of criticism?

“Sauron did nothing wrong,” Saruman repeated earlier today, “I do not mark it down for raising Orcs from the Earth or the wanton damage it caused to numerous Ents. It was following its instincts as a total genius, super dark lord. It’s not for mortals like you and I to question its actions, even if they did lead to half the world catching fire.”

But others suspect the sudden and surprising Fellowship of The Media, where both the Guardian and Daily Fail are critical of the giant, blazing eye of electoral faecalism and dark money fuelled neoliberalism, may just have spooked the dark master.

The press conference will be held atop the Shard in central London, as that’s felt to be the most familiar feeling place in the lands of men for Sauron to talk from.

It will be taking questions after, but don’t be surprised if the entire event is a celebration of its lies. And whatever you do, don’t look directly at it. Better to view the whole charade from a reflection in a pool of water.

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Boris Johnson to choose between devil and deep blue sea

Better the devil you know: Lockdown means lockdown, unless you are the Prime Minister’s Very Specialest special advisor. However, defending “Classic” Dom Cummings means fatally undermining the government’s message. Who to choose? Devilish Dom, or the deep, uncharted waters of Shit Creek?

Johnson is going to have to paddle hard.He is in the worst possible bind he could imagine. Johnson is going to have to make a decision on his own.This must be the first time in his pampered existence that he has not had anyone to tell him what to do.

He can’t listen to Dom this time. Even Johnson must know that a line has been crossed. But it is a big decision. Who to throw under the bus? The architect of his Great Victory, or the mass of braying cheerleaders, and in fact the entire foundation of British Democracy? Dither, Delay, Indecision.

It has come to this. Hundreds of loyal, if misguided, Conservative MPs, including cabinet ministers, rushed to defend Classic Dom. But defending Dom means destroying the government’s message. So. Devil. Deep Blue Sea.

Take Back Control? They have totally lost control.

What will Johnson do? This is where strong leadership counts. LCD Views’ Number Ten mole, Liv Inahole, has the latest gossip.

“It’s bedlam, quite frankly,” she reports. “Nobody knows their arse from their elbows. I am extremely glad that I don’t need the toilet.”

Where are they meeting? What is being said?

“They are meeting in the kitchen,” replied Inahole. “That’s because that is where the fridge is. I hear that the Prime Minister has barricaded himself in behind the cheese and the random bottle of relish that went out of date in 2013.”

Is there any progress?

“None,” she said. “Everybody has totally lost their shit, the fan is covered in the stuff, and Dom is doing his nut.”

Time for Boris to take the plunge.

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UK’s entire prison population to be released – so long as they broke the law for their children

THE PARTY OF LAW AND ORDER : YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, those that play together, stay together and there’s no more important time to play with your family than while you are potentially carrying a highly infectious, lethal virus across the country.

And following on from the recent revelations that the UK’s actual prime minister, D Cummings, has broken the laws regarding Covid-19 on more than one occasion, the law itself is reacting to ensure families can stay united.

“There’s one important proviso,” a source inside 10 Downing Street said, “you can now break any law you want, and get away with it, in fact the Attorney General herself will defend you, but.”

But what?

“But you must have done so in the interests of your children.”

But how can you prove that?

“You can’t. It’s an internal decision. Well, you could provide messaging or diary entries I suppose to back up your claim, but evidence is rather irrelevant. Just make the claim. MAKE THE CLAIM and get away with it.”

The new legal avenue away from consequence will be welcomed by the many tens of thousands of prisoners inside UK prisons and those awaiting sentencing.

“We had to make the change otherwise we risk having a country where there is one law for rich, powerful people and one for the poor. We can not have that. It undermines the entire concept of rule of law, and just as importantly, public health messaging. Democracy itself is in danger.”

But there are some critics of the change, notably from the legal profession.

“That’s us out of business,” one lawyer said, “once everyone knows that in order to avoid prosecution you can simply say you did it for your children. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. I guess I’ll find a new profession. It won’t be childcare, the country is now full of parents who will risk anything to care for their offspring, even killing the grandparents with a novel virus.”

And one more important change will also follow the new regime emanating from 10 Downing Street.

“From now on all new laws will be published in duplicate,” our Downing Street insider reveals, “one law for everyone else, and one law for Dominic Cummings.”

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Vault discovered underneath London address containing spines removed from Tory MPs

A giant vault has been discovered underneath a London address which contains spines believed to have been removed from the United Kingdom’s governing Tory cabinet.

”Ever since Guy Fawkes attempted his little fireworks display we’ve been under orders to check all vaults and other big spaces under the Palace Of Westminster, 10 Downing Street and nearby properties each day,” a security insider told LCD Views.

It seems that during one such sweep yesterday a secret vault was discovered, by accident, that led to the fortitous discovery.

”I keep expecting to find that Victorian waxwork Rees-mogg somewhere with Farage and barrels of gunpowder,” the insider said, “but it was whilst chasing a rat that looked like Arron Banks chasing a much bigger rat that looked like a Russian man holding a bag containing thirty pieces of silver, that was when I found the vault under the townhouse.”

The security officer said he slipped rounding a corner and his torch flew from his hands.

”It landed with the light pointing at a little handle at floor level I’ve never seen before.”

Unlike the grimy surrounds the handle was shiny and had clearly seen recent and frequent use.

”There was a bit of gore around it. Blood and skin and the like. All the skin was very yellow. And there was a bobble hat nearby. I suspect whoever used the vault lost it.”

Undeterred by the gore the officer turned the handle.

”There was a sound like a giant millstone grinding away and then the floor beneath me slid back and I toppled in to this vault.”

He went on to say he didn’t fall far.

”For a heartbeat I believed I was a goner. But I only fell a few feet before I found myself on top of a giant subterranean mountain of spines. Only spines. You know, backbones.”

The officer was able to climb out and run for help.

”I did attempt to take one with me, but it just turned to dust at the slightest pressure.”

Whether or not police will be able to match the spines to their former owners is anyone’s guess.

”I suspect if you match yesterday’s tweets from serving cabinet ministers, and some other Tory MPs, to the spines, you will be able to see who is missing theirs. It’s a fairly straightforward process. I wouldn’t be surprised if the prime minister’s spine is in the pile.”

But who owns the property that sits over the vault?

“Some guy from Durham,” the officer shrugged, “I’m not allowed to say his name out loud or it summons him. Not that I see that as too much of a risk as he’s usually dancing to Abba in the garden of his parents’ place in Durham.”

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Driving to Durham and dancing to Abba are covid symptoms, says government

In a crucial breakthrough, the government has revealed further symptoms of covid-19. Travelling to northern cities and enjoying cheesy 70s music are now considered to be diagnostic.

It seems that the crippling nature of the disease has been overstated. A totally reliable Downing Street source, completely unconnected to top scientist Professor Dominic Cummings, has confirmed that sufferers can drive over 200 miles with no ill effects. Furthermore, dancing, although embarrassing if caught on video, is a harmless side effect. Indeed it is believed to be efficacious, particularly if done to the music of Abba.

It also gives you renewed strength for the long drive back again.

It is certainly a more likely story than the rumours that covid-19 is a deadly fatal disease. 

So, all in all, it is very strange that so many people claim to have died from it.

Some people, who are probably subversives working against the government, have claimed that the whole affair is a cover story for Classic Dom taking a cheeky vacation. Number Ten denies that anything happened at all, so that is the end of it.

Meanwhile, The Science has been updated overnight. New guidelines have been issued, which recommend that anyone feeling like going for a long drive, or dancing to music, should take 14 days’ holiday, sorry, quarantine, in a location of their choice immediately.

The knock on effect at sunny beaches on the south coast has been immediate. Indeed, many holidaymakers, sorry, sufferers, anticipated the change in official guidance and headed for the seaside last week.

Incomers have been advised to create their own socially distanced space on the beach. Unfortunately most people have disregarded this advice, since it was only advisory and nobody takes any notice of advisory advice if they don’t want to. Personal freedom is important, but a line in the sand has been crossed. Many times.

We’re all going on a summer holiday with Dom the Dancing Queen.

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Follow The Politics, scientists told

We’ve had enough of experts: once again, this core principle is guiding our government. The scientific community is being told that The Science is wrong, and that they should pay more attention to the political climate than the world climate.

But it’s not just climate change. Politicians are getting twitchy about continuing to pay good public money to deserving people, thanks to scientific advice. They don’t like the advice, so the advice must be wrong. Instead, scientists must adjust their parameters to suit the ideology of their paymasters.

LCD Views was unfortunate enough to speak to this week’s Chief Scientific Adviser, Dr Petra Dysh.

“My advice must fit the science,” confirmed Dr Dysh, sellotaping a covid-19 testing kit together. “Or indeed, the advice should inform the science. It’s the same thing, as everybody knows.”

I’m not sure that follows necessarily. What qualifications do you have?

“I have a PhD!” sneered Dr Dysh. “My doctoral thesis was described by my supervisor as a work of sheer beauty!”

Ok, but, out of interest, what was the thesis about? And who signed it off?

“You dare question a government adviser?!” she said archly. Silence. She waited. We waited longer. Finally, she succumbed to temptation. “My thesis was entitled ‘The deployment of lab coats, spectacles and test tubes to project the impression of impeccable scientific credentials’. Professor Cummings was highly impressed with it!”

We might have known. Classic Dom. The University of Tufton Street. It all makes sense now.

“My job is to provide the correct science!” insisted Dr Dysh. “And if the results don’t agree with the ideology, then clearly there had been a mistake with the science, and further experiments must be conducted until alignment is achieved.”

Sounds like your thesis contained a module on bullshitting as well.

In other words, science should now follow the politics. Causation means correlation, black means white, and the stench of dead cats grows ever stronger.

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Downing St offers Greece Elgin Marbles back on condition PM+1 can have beach holiday this summer

IT’S THE INALIENABLE RIGHT OF BRITISH MEN WITH MISTRESSES TO HAVE A BEACH HOLIDAY : Downing Street is ramping up the pressure on the Greek government today to fulfil Downing Street’s breezy assurance of ‘air bridges’ for summer holidays.

This comes after no less than the Greek tourism minister poured cold water on the idea. Some quibble about UK Covid-19 levels. But that isn’t stopping the UK government. Listening to what foreign chaps say is something we haven’t done since the 16th century.

“The Greeks, they can have the Elgin Marbles back,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “the British Museum will just have to suck it up. It’s a question of priorities. And they can have the flipping Pantheon back too. And the Lighthouse of Pharos. Sod it. Throw in Alexander the Great’s marble cricket bat. The entire UK catalogue of Nana Mouskouri vinyl, if that’s what it takes. Basically, whatever they like. But. We. Must. Have. That. Air. Bridge. Mr. Johnson. Must. Holiday.”

But while the offers to the Greek administration are ramping up, it seems the scope of the British government ambition is distinctly ramping down. At least in terms of who gets a summer holiday.

“Look, we’re just asking for a beach holiday for Boris Johnson, plus one.”

This has led to speculation about who the plus one maybe?

“That’s flipping obvious,” the source informed, rather testily, “It won’t be Carrie or his estranged wife or any of the mothers of his numerous children. It’ll be Dom. Those two are inseparable. And for any wags tempted to say Boris has lost his marbles, you just look at his handling of Covid-19.”

As for who will pay for Mr Johnson+1 to go on holiday, the answer to that remains a mystery buried on the island of Mustique.

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PM advises public to “keep one criminally corrupted referendum away from democracy” when outside

DON’T TOUCH THIS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has sought to add further confusion to the public misunderstanding of measures he has advised to avoid catching Covid-19. Which shouldn’t be interrupted as his administration wanting you to catch it. Herd immunity was never, ever, definitely not the plan.

“He’s giving people analogies to use when out in public, or on a crowded bus,” an aide inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “we were all completely hammered when we thought them up. We do our best work trolleyed. Although some prefer to be high as kites. To each their own. But what you can not doubt is the clarity of the message.”

And clarity there is, in abundance, just like Covid-19.

“My favourite was that people should keep one ‘prone pole dancer’ away from one another in supermarket queues,” the source went on, “although Boris’s fridge one, to keep one fridge length apart from each other on buses, that’s also very special.”

But the new message that really has the cut through seems to be referencing the proven criminally corrupted IN/OUT referendum on EU membership in 2016.

“Be sure to keep one criminally corrupted referendum away from democracy when forcing your children back into school to catch CV-19. 1st of June we aim to release that one. Although we’ll probably have to do a u-turn. That’s the problem with having scant legitimacy and relying on the mob to rule. You fear the mob turning all the time. You’re much more malleable than many think.”