Posted on

Johnson awards Cummings the inaugural “Barnard Castle Award” for services to public health‬

THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL : GREAT NEWS TODAY for lovers of unflushed turds with the announcement that pretend Prime Minister, Boris ‘fark’ Johnson, has awarded his demonic handler, Dominic Cummings, an award for his services to public health.

“The award recognises the reduction in demand in the social care sector particularly,” a source reveals, “while maintaining capacity. Something the NHS proved incapable of, as they’ve been pushing in the wrong direction this whole time. It also recognises the usefulness in public health messaging of a high ranking and completely unaccountable member of the elite making a pig’s ear of clear instructions. Instructions intended to protect yourself, and people you don’t know. What sort of inherently, genetically inferior individual thinks about the welfare of people they don’t know? How does that help excellence rise to the top of the tree of life? How does that help achieve herd immunity?”

The award will be handed over to Mr Cummings by his servant Mr Johnson later this afternoon. The ceremony will replace the standard Tory Party political broadcast at 5pm.

“The Barnard Castle Award for Services to Public Health is world beating,” the source continues, “and it was exceptionally tough to choose the first recipient. We had to consider very carefully whose mind was most accountable for the UK topping the global tables with Covid-19.”

It’s expected Mr Cummings will take the actual award on a road trip. A kind of royal procession up and down the motorways.

“It’s part of levelling up,” the source says, “he can reasonably be argued to have helped level up CV-19 infection rates between London and the North, now he can level up people’s appreciation of his plague endeavours by letting all the little people see the physical trophy. They can even touch it, if they’re lucky.”

As to the trophy itself, it is in the shape of Barnard Castle and was, inevitably, made by global joke Boris Johnson himself out of empty wine crates.

Posted on

Downing Street confirm Dominic Cummings was name on ballot paper for Uxbridge GE2019, not Boris Johnson

READ THE FINE PRINT : 10 DOWNING STREET HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT THIS EVENING, VIA THE CLASSIC ‘SOURCE’, TO CLEAR UP CONFUSION REGARDING THE 2019 DECEMBER GENERAL ERECTION.

“Lately we have been receiving queries regarding the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in the December GE,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we can confirm it was not Boris Johnson, a popular misconception, but Dominic Cummings.”

The reason for the statement is believed to be the result of recent seismograph tests which revealed millions of barely conscious Tory voters bursting into spasms of activity, upon realising who is actually prime minister.

“People’s memories can cloud with time,” the source continued, “just like today. Already people are believing that Prime Minister Cummings’ PA, Boris Johnson, refused to let the science swots answer questions at today’s Covid-19 party political broadcast. This is not the case. Mr Johnson essentially hassled the reporters to ask the science swots questions, before giving up in exasperation and moving on.”

The clarification of historical fact will be welcome to millions of concerned voters, some of who maybe feeling like chumps.

“Everyone (who was paying attention) knew that the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip was Dominic Cummings. And whoever he works for. Best not ask about that. Boris Johnson was merely a brand name, or a slogan. He was never going to wield power, apart from the fact he couldn’t be bothered to do the work required for that.”

Whether or not non-party affiliated, spaffing SPAD Mr Cummings will appear on the next GE ballot paper isn’t yet clear.

“It depends whether or not we dispense with the façade of elections altogether. Which given the way we now have things stitched up, a hobbled parliament, a craven cabinet, a curious ownership of postal voting and constituency boundary changes to come, is not entirely certain we need anymore elections at all.”

Posted on

Downing St investigation finds Durham Police have broken rule that Don Cumming’s rule is above rule of law

LET THEM EAT APPS : DOWNING STREET HAVE RESPONDED SWIFTLY TO THE INVESTIGATION BY DURHAM POLICE WITH AN INVESTIGATION OF THEIR OWN.

“We have conducted a probe of Durham Police and discovered that too few of the senior staff have received gongs,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’re sure this can be corrected if they rectify the surprisingly limited amount of whitewash they keep in stock.”

The object of the probe was to determine if Durham police had broken one of the newer laws of the land by investigating the actions of unelected PM Dominic Cummings.

“Clearly it was a significant breach to even query the behaviour of God,” the source continued, “as God is above the laws of man. To compound that error by finding that God did breach the Covid-19 lockdown regulations was a grievous error that will go unforgiven. I would expect Durham to suffer a plague of locusts now. Perhaps even a great flood. Never forget that there is one rule for mankind and a very different rule of God, aka Dominic Cummings.”

What sanctions will be applied to the actual officers who conducted the investigation into Mr Cummings isn’t yet clear, but rumours are they may have to host Boris Johnson to dinner.

“He’ll be bringing his dad, who also breached guidelines designed to save lives, and perhaps Dylin the dog, dependent on whether or not the prop dog is booked anywhere else that day. That should be punishment enough to ensure no further mistakes are made.”

In the interim the Durham Police have been put into special measures, with Downing Street sending up Mark Francois to take personal control of the police.

“Those that make the laws don’t have to follow them,” the source added, “why do you think we’ve spent so long messing about with behavioural science, even though the actual science of infectious disease spread is very well understood? It’s because we can’t trust ourselves to obey the laws we make, so we can hardly trust everyone else.”

Posted on

First people to use new CV-19 trace and track app surprised to receive order of pizza

THE GHOST OF GRAYLING : THE GOVERNMENT HAS LAUNCHED ITS NEW TRACK, TRACE AND ISOLATE SYSTEM TODAY WITH MUCH FANFARE.

“We’re only months behind the rest of the world,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but that’s because we took time to get it right. By allowing 60,000 people to die first means the workload for our tracers will be more manageable, and there will be less mistakes.”

And while the system won’t be fully operational for sometime, people can be reassured that the private companies enjoying the contracts will presumably be lining their pockets the entire time.

“That’s one of the tangible benefits of managing this pandemic in a way that allows it to play out much longer than less intelligent countries,” the source continued, “are you aware of the eyewatering shift of public funds to private pockets, regardless of outcomes? It’s world beating.”

But it hasn’t all being smooth sailing on launch day. The early adopters of Dom’s mind mining app have all received some unexpected results.

“I received a Hawaiian pizza,” Mr Sellby, Date Cottage, Pizzachester reports, “moments after I entered my symptoms of blurry eyesight and an irresistible urge to take a 260 mile drive. But then I read the t&c’s and discovered they were copied from a takeaway firm’s leaflet, and it all made sense.”

But Mr Sellby was lucky, relative to others.

“I entered my symptoms of a desire to use a public asset reserved for heads of state to gaslight the country, specifically to show them who is in control of their lives now,” Mrs P Pe, Contagious-on-Why reveals, “and then I discovered some chaps painting a red cross over my front door. Apparently God is going to spare my first born, or something.”

Update of the system is expected to be ramped up over coming weeks and ordinary citizens will do their civic duty.

“Dominic Cummings won’t personally be using the app,” the source adds, “because he’s already driven CV-19 up and down the country, potentially infected god knows how many. But that’s not a resigning issue. It’s time to move on, we’re bored of Barnard Castle, we’re thinking of visiting Leeds.”

Posted on

Dominic Cummings allows Queen to exercise in Buckingham Palace gardens

REAL MEN DON’T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS : THE UK’S HEAD OF STATE, DOMINIC “CONTEMPT OF EVERYTHING” CUMMINGS has made a pleasing gesture towards his government’s ceremonial figurehead.

In an announcement earlier today he said he will allow the shambling haystack that fulfils the role of puppet prime minister out to play. He will be however confined to an area with limited chance of meeting a member of the public, so as to avoid spontaneous booing, and somewhere where a close eye can be kept on him, even if he thinks no one is watching.

“Boris is like a puppy,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street’s chief told LCD Views, “he’s full of boundless energy. If we don’t let him burn some of it off he starts chewing people’s shoes and the housetraining goes right out the window. Currently slinking away and pulling waitresses is not possible, we’ve decided to let him out to run about. Now and then. In the hope he doesn’t hump the beanbags.”

The exercise will be off leash due to the good security and high walls of Buckingham Palace.

“There’s no way he could climb over them. Not in his condition.”

As to whether or not there were any targets for the exercise, steps or miles etc, we decided to ask the holder of the once powerful, but now symbolic role, of prime minister himself.

“Woof. Woof! Grrrrrr. Woof!”

We wiped the slobber off, had the response translated and discovered he said,

“Oh, I’m not allowed to set any targets anymore, that’s for my owner to do.”

Posted on

Trust my judgement on Cummings, says man who hides in fridges

BELIEVE IN BETTER: Prime Minister (in name only), Boris Johnson, needs us all to believe in the Word of Dom. Trust my judgement, he pleads, I’ve never been wrong about anything before.

This is a man who does little set piece items to camera with an unendearing and embarrassing incompetence. This is a man who is so trustworthy that he leaves hordes of disappointed pregnant blonde fillies in his wake. This is a man who hid in a fridge to avoid having to answer a question.

So, should we trust his judgement?

“He’s a lying toad!” spat jilted lover Norma Sarse. “And that’s unfair to toads! He promised me a rose garden, he promised to leave his mistress for me, he said I had a terrific figure. Well that’s in the past, thanks to him. And now I’m lumbered with this blond brat who thinks I only exist to service his needs. I wouldn’t trust him to judge a knobbly knees competition!”

That’s a no, then.

But what can we do in these passive, isolated times? For those of us who aren’t Dominic Cummings, swanning up and down the country with impunity and covid. Lie back and think of England?

“That’s what got me into trouble in the first place!” grumbled Sarse. “He saw, he conquered, he came, and then he buggered off!”

To where, nobody seems to know. He is not to be seen in parliament, at the daily coronavirus briefings, or on TV reassuring a jumpy public. For a man who loves the limelight, he has been strangely invisible.

There can be only one explanation. We all know the government is comprised of brexity yes men, and that anyone showing intellect or compassion has been removed ruthlessly. Yet we are asked to take Cummings on trust.

What does Cummings know about Johnson that he doesn’t want to come out?

Posted on

Let’s send kids back to school to see if it’s safe, suggests man who takes his kid for a drive to test his eyes

PETRI DISH KIDS : As the world waits for British leadership to see it through the Covid-19 crisis, many British people themselves are concerned with more domestic concerns, secure in the confidence that lesser countries will take lessons from where we go. They do not have Dom and Dum, and that is their own doing.

“The Commonwealth countries? All they have to do is learn from our example,” Tory MP A Lackey told LCD Views, “they’re putting up a good show of getting along without us, but that’s just playing to domestic audiences. What I am concerned about, what the government is concerned with is not appearances, but the awarding of contracts to big name corporate brands. What a perfect time to shift public funds back to where they belong. Did I say that? I mean, the health and welfare of children.”

To this end the Department for Education has been ordered to prepare schools to reopen, and begin readmitting British students to British schools.

There is absolutely no chance that this desperate attempt to keep up with the Joneses, on an international scale, will have to be revised. And further examples that managing a public health crisis like a PR emergency will see more plague pits dug.

The closing of a hospital in Somerset to new patients, because it’s stuffed to the gills with Covid-19, is not a warning.

“You can imagine the anxiety our European neighbours must be feeling,” Mr A Lackey said, “busily opening back up their communities, a little hastily, desperate to prove they don’t need our leadership. Why they would make a public health crisis about Brexit I am not sure. Managing well without us are you? Run along. Presumably it’s to do with the quality of education they receive? You get what you pay for.”

But we on this green and pleasant isle need worry not about what others are doing, we must look to our own children.

The fact that Finnish children start school much older, and top the world tables, is not an argument that a few months of school missed due to the plague can not be rectified over the years to come.

“We have to trust in the leadership of Boris and Dom,” Mr A Lackey reassures, his eye on a junior cabinet post, “any man clever enough to test his eyes by taking his four year old for a drive, wouldn’t take a greater chance with the children of people he doesn’t know. Back to school we go! Where the infection rate goes, nobody knows!”

We will soon find out if it was the right decision. Children. Your country needs you! Well, most of you. Whoever survives. But in the interim at least Boris Johnson can pretend he’s got everything under control.

Posted on

Dominic Cummings amends his blog to prove he created the world in six days

THE GOD COMPLEX: History, the saying goes, is written by the winners. In the case of “Classic” Dom Cummings, history is being rewritten to suit his Machiavellian plan to rule the world.

Hidden among his deranged ramblings is a post entitled Genesis: Selling England by the Pound. The very first paragraph reads thus:

“In the beginning Dom created the atmosphere and the political landscape. Now the landscape was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Blitz Spirit of Dom was hovering over the waters. And Dom said, let there be enlightenment, and there was enlightenment. Dom saw that it was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. Dom called the light “power”, and the darkness he called “work”. And there was evening and there was morning – the first of the Dom days.”

So it continues, the language and claims becoming ever more hyperbolic and unbelievable, until he reaches the sixth and final day:

“Then Dom said, “Let us make puppets in our own image, in our likeness.” He called the puppet Boris, which means ‘A lover not a fighter’. But for Boris no suitable helper could be found, so Dom took the puppet, and while he slept removed his conscience. Then Dom made an endless succession of busty blonde fillies from the conscience, and placed them with him in the Garden of Roses.”

The post continues, as Dom himself enters the story in the form of a serpent, and tempts them to eat the fruit from the Tree of Brexit. Boris and the blondes are kicked out of the Garden and told to go forth and multiply.

The final paragraph has been much altered. Originally it read, “And on the seventh day Dom took a well earned rest”. The revised version suggests that instead Dom undertook an exhausting journey up the A1 while unwell, in order to test whether he was too tired to drive.

Posted on

Michael Gove says he only snorted cocaine to test if his nostrils worked

JUST FOLLOWING THE INSTINCTS OF A HOOVER : RUPERT MURDOCH’S PICK TO BE BRITAIN’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER, Secretary of State for Slippery, Michael Gove, has waded into the debate about driving eye tests.

“I was only following my instincts as a vacuum cleaner,” Mr Gove told a slightly baffled press corp this lunchtime. “And to see if my nostrils worked. I was about to take part in a competition to see who could hold their breath the longest and I didn’t want to find my nose inoperable at the time. You could almost say it was a matter of life and death. I’m sure any judge and jury would agree. And the British people, the British people themselves will see what I did as fair and reasonable. In fact, I would go so far as to say, when faced with a mountain of the finest marching powder, and a breath holding competition straight after, any British man, or woman, or woman, or child would do the same.”

The unique defence is unlikely to be tested in a court of law, luckily for Mr Gove.

And he has received support from the expected corners. Shortly after his speech dozens of Tory MPs tweeted their support to Mr Gove.

One dedicated bootlicker even went so far as to say, “when I was caught on Wimbledon Common with a young person somewhat my junior in years, although I must stress well over the legal age of consent, with my trousers down and clutching several twenty pound notes, I was only testing if the local economy was vibrant and healthy. It was essentially an act of public service. I am sure you will agree.”

And there was more. Former Brain of Britain, now reduced to a skanky dust mote that’s been stuck on the cat’s backside for a day, Dominic Cummings, hailed Mr Gove for his sincerity.

“It’s entirely reasonable. It’s just like strapping your confused four year old into the backseat of your powerful motor car and tearing along narrow country lanes to test your eyesight. Anyone in Michael’s position can now claim the same. I’m sure the Attorney General will agree.”

And this is how it will roll in Brexitannia forever, until the people have had enough of the BS and demand once again that their elected public servants have not only a conscience, but a functioning brain. And not just a claim to have a giant one.

Posted on

Hundreds of Conservative MPs discovered in the dungeons at Barnard Castle

Don’t look now: following hot on the heels of news that MPs’ spines are kept in a Westminster vault, comes the discovery of the MPs themselves. They have been locked away in the cells in Barnard Castle, where a close eye could be kept on them.

Lockdown means lockdown, and in such strange times both the population and the message must be tightly controlled. To facilitate this, all Conservative MPs lacking the initiative to think independently were asked to volunteer for social distancing. Stay home, stay safe, was the message.

An Englishman’s home is Barnard Castle, writes the soothsayer Nostracummings. Thus persuaded, the MPs willingly surrendered their freedom, and their Twitter accounts, and went into isolation.

In order that government could still take place, the isolated MPs were permitted to join in with Zoom conferences from their cells. Unfortunately, Barnard Castle is a bit of a WiFi blackspot. The cell phones refused to connect, so the imprisoned heroes were obliged to revert to pigeon post. It is entirely wrong to read anything into the Cummings family’s fondness for pigeon pie.

Barnard Castle is fast becoming a place of pilgrimage. It is here, on the Road to Durham, that the scales fell from Saint Dominic’s eyes. He was able to see the way forward clearly at last, which is fortunate because some trickster had pinched the sign pointing the way to London at junction 61 of the A1(M).

This miraculous conversion, to the Broad Church of Caring Conservatism, meant that Saint Dominic, following His instincts as a Father to His flock, undertook the dangerous missionary journey to The North. There He ensured that the subdued members were sufficiently underfed.

The noble Saint allegedly made this journey on five subsequent occasions, but kept this quiet so as not to boast about His charitable nature.

It’s time to move on. The canonisation of Saint Dominic, the Apostle of Herd Immunity, is the real story here.