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Boris Johnson to visit all 27 EU capitals in “charm offensive” to bring back EU workers

SHORT TERM MEMORY : THE UK’S PUPPET PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, has announced today a bold new plan to ramp up inward migration from EU states to the UK. It appears the UK has a lot of capacity, but not a lot to fill it.

“I am going on tour!” Mr Johnson told the country via Zoom, “a. A. A. A charm offensive if you will! The Royal Brexitannia will sail from Dover and make land at the ancient English port of Calais,” a potentially shit faced Mr Johnson spluttered.

“Calais! A fitting place to land, for it was Churchill himself who gave the port to the Franks as a token of appreciation for the cheese wheel the good, earnest, Anglophile people of the Rhone valley gave to him.”

Here Mr Johnson paused to adjust his fly, ruffle his hair and remain pleasingly ignorant of the plum sauce stain on his tie.

“And when I say make land, I do not mean in the manner of the Ancient Greek hero, Landmasia, faced with the land eating monster Tidalmania, I mean in the manner of disembarking from a ship of the line! So I go not as an invader! I go to offer one hand in friendship, while I keep one with my fingers crossed firmly behind my perfidious back.”

The move is certainly a bold one and definitely offensive.

But is IT not a recognition of the pig headed stupidity of utilising US and UK dark money to fuel a right wing populist campaign of ethno-nationalism, war fetishization and ghastly xenophobia over years, just to get Mr Johnson into the premiership, and make feudally minded disaster capitalists a lot of money, at the expense of the entire country?

“I am not like the proverbial car chasing dog who finally catches the car,” Mr Johnson added, not even convincing himself anymore.

“I will make Britain great again! I should know how! I’ve done so very much to break it. If British people will not harvest British crops and wipe British bottoms, perhaps some eager foreign chaps maybe lured back to do it? And then Priti Patel can have the joy of throwing them all out again!”

From Covid Island with love – Boris Johnson is cummings. We suggest you place in quarantine. There is no need at all to attempt a timely return.

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Taking MPs for a ride : Rees-mogg adds fair ground flair to new voting system for MPs

A TISSUE A TISSUE : THE MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT FOR THE 14TH CENTURY, JACOB REES-MOGG, has responded to criticism of the new voting system he’s introduced into the House of Commons.

From today MPs queuing up to catch Covid-19 from each other will be able to take fun fair rides.

“The Ghost Train is a traditional feature of British fairgrounds,” an aide who works in the crypts told LCD Views, “Jacob had a vision yesterday, as he was lying in his coffin awaiting the night, and the vision was fun.”

The Ghost Train will snake its way from the start of the long queue, all the way to the House of Commons chamber, with MPs spilling off the caboose and into the division lobbies.

A traditional song, The Dance of Death, will play as the train rumbles toward its terminal point. Although there have been a few murmurings of disquiet, as the recording artist chosen is not British. But then you can reasonably be queried over policies which may inadvertently, indirectly kill some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please them all.

And it’s not just the method of shuffling off the mortal coil that is changing in Westminster, the division lobbies are getting a much needed makeover too.

“MPs won’t go into the yes or no division anymore, but into the positive or negative, this will help Matt Hancock as he ramps up his CV-19 testing stats. If we’re testing people, they can’t be dying. That’s some clever thinking right there.”

But there has been one other area of criticism.

“Some of the usual types, who are never happy anyway, have suggested the train should terminate at Barnard Castle, the spiritual home of Tory Covid-19, but that would just keep Dominic Cummings undermining the rule of law in the headlines. We wouldn’t want that.”

Get your ticket today, just be sure to self isolate, at home, for fourteen days each time you ride the train. You never know what the person next to you maybe carrying on any given day. Well you would if we had an efficient, publicly run, infectious disease control strategy, but this is Tory run UK.

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Boris Johnson to take direct control of Plague – other horsemen to look after themselves

FAMINE WILL DO AS FAMINE PLEASES : Prime Minister Dominic Johnson has used that august platform, The Daily Torygraph, to communicate his latest strategy to defeat Covid-19.

“We’re going to outwit the virus by befriending the virus,” he said, in another stunning display of out of the box thinking, “invite it into each and every home. Once it is comfortable, with its slippers on, then we will launch our attack!”

It seems a key plank in this masterplan is to take direct control of the busiest horsemen.

“To this end we will now take direct control of plague, disease, man flu or whatever you want to call it,” Prime Minister Boris Cummings continued, “we will take control back by losing control. We will award every contract to control, track, trace, isolate, quarantinate, and generally carpetbagate from Covid-19 to a raft of big name corporate chums. Not to those ridiculously unprofitable public health concerns that have specialities in tracing infectious diseases in their communities. One can hardly ride a horse if one blinkers it, blinds it and hobbles it! Cash. Horses run on mountains of cash.”

Quite what famine and war, and whatever the other horsemen is called, will do whilst Plague is getting the special treatment isn’t yet clear.

But we’re sure some media trained halfwit, promoted to the cabinet solely on the basis of an ability to be submissive and smash their moral compass, will be along soon to tell us in soundbites how they’re taking it.

Boris Dominic Johnson Cummings, taking control of fuck all, and by doing so riding a famous horse very well, thank you very much. Now line up and vote. Just turn your back if the MP next to you sneezes. It’ll be alright. Bit of pluck and Blitz spirit and Covid-19 will do exactly as the government wants it to. Achoooooo.

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Cummings linked company lands £350m per week contract to supply umbrellas to MPs queuing to vote

IT DOESN’T RAIN BUT IT POURS : Since the new voting system for MPs was revealed yesterday many have raised concerns over how MPs will keep dry when the plague sunshine ends.

But fear not, the government has thought about it and taken steps to protect those fine suits and dresses.

“We have it on good authority, completely invented for the purpose of this article (the purpose of which is to ask about the expenditure of public money – seems to be a lot of that going around?) that a company linked to Dominic Cummings has been awarded a plush contract to supply umbrellas.”

Palantir Coronavirus Contract Did Not Go to Competitive Tender

The company is believed to have been set up overnight by the second cousin of someone who once wrote a positive review of Mr Cummings’ blog. However, actual ownership of the company appears to be in the hands of a US billionaire. Which will come as a shock to everybody.

“We can spare no expense to protect MPs as they stand around for hours like lambs being led to the slaughter of representative democracy.”

The contract, which was awarded without tender, will see £350m per week paid for the supply of umbrellas. The umbrellas are believed to have been liberated from a poundstore supply chain which has been unable to distribute to shops during lockdown.

The reason for the high cost appears to be the modification of the umbrellas, before distribution, to include a digital chip which monitors MPs heart, breathing rates and records their private thoughts.

“Umbrellas are useful in blazing sun too,” our source continues, “so it’s a bargain whatever the weather. And with our commitment to continue with global warming, well, there’s going to be a lot of hot summers. At least until water levels rise sufficiently to flood over the Thames barrier.”

But there’s no free lunch. MPs will have to pay a minimum of £100 per umbrella, which they will be able to claim back on expenses, so no one is left out of pocket. Most umbrellas are expected to be single use, unlike the taxpayer.

“It doesn’t rain, but it pours,” the source added, “pours public cash into private pockets. Got to love a good disaster [capitalist].”

But just in case anyone is worried that someone is taking the piss, each umbrella will come with a free eye test!

“The eye tests are in the form of a get out of jail free card. Those are valid for travel to any destination within the UK, by road, during the anticipated second lockdown this summer.”

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Rees-mogg introduces new voting system designed to socially distance MPs from parliamentary democracy

WE’RE AN ISLAND PEOPLE AND WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY HERE : LOCAL DEMOCRACY FOR LOCAL PEOPLE took a great leap forward yesterday after the successful trial run of a new voting system for UK MPs.

“It is rumoured that the new voting system, whereby MPs shuffle about like chumps for hours, was cooked up by Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson as a power play over parliament,” our Downing Street interpreter interprets, “is parliament sovereign? Not if we can make absolute tits of the lot of them. How about we throw 21st century technology in the skip, in the middle of a pandemic, and co-opt MPs into a scheme to actively disenfranchise hundreds of their colleagues?”

Quite the wheeze.

And a complete success.

“The new system is not designed to be permanent,” our interpreter continues, “it was more like an initiation ritual at a private school, wherein the new kids are made to embarrass themselves completely in front of everyone. It’s to show who has power, and who has not.”

Jacob Rees-mogg, the supposed architect of the long queue voting system, found himself laughed at as the public and press witnessed the charade play out.

“Who’s the bigger fool? The boy who insists you put a hot crumpet between your buttocks, or the one who puts a hot crumpet between their buttocks?”

A good question.

“If you want to delegitimise parliament in the eyes of the people, as you continue your slow grind to turn a representative parliamentary democracy into an elected dictatorship, you can’t do a lot better than to order MPs to humiliate themselves in public.”

And even as they participated in the ritual, numerous MPs tweeted how stupid it was, while being stupid enough to go along with it.

Although it wasn’t all bad. The smallest man currently in the House of Commons, in all senses, got to show just how small he was. Which was some small consolation. Have a smirk.

“Mogg survived having a nap on the green benches last year,” our correspondent continues, “he’s survived blaming Grenfell victims for their deaths. He’ll survive being laughed at over the new voting system. This is because he’s really laughing at you. All of you.”

The only thing that remains now is whether or not the UK’s politicians, people who are supposed to understand politics, will realise how completely, symbolically, publicly and easily they’ve all been played? How they actively participated in robbing hundreds of constituencies of representation.

“Bad things happen when good people do nothing,” our correspondent adds, “and yesterday good people did a bad thing. So really, we’re even further around the S bend then we thought. But what do you expect when a country’s elected representatives allow the entire nation to be reorientated based on the result of a criminally corrupted opinion poll, now years old. Funny kinda democracy you’ve got there.”

Now we just wait to see how many MPs test positive for CV-19. Maybe the executive will be forced, with a heavy heart, to send them all home, permanently. For their own safety, you understand.

“I for one would like our elected representatives to be a bit more clued up to how they’re being played. And to remember the power they possess, before they’re robbed of it. In broad daylight. With their own active participation. And the next time Cummings decides to hold you all in contempt, maybe don’t go along with it?”

And now, to end, here’s a link to a video of a government minister who does his job well, with intelligence and public interest foremost. Spoiler alert, he’s not elected to the mother of parliaments, but he is refreshing to view. An example of where we should look to get back to.

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Removing 600 MPs from parliament is not an attack on democracy, says feudal overlord

WILL OF THE PEOPLE: There is nothing wrong with streamlining parliament, according to Jacob Rees-Mogg. At least that is our best guess at what he said, after filtering his schoolboy Latin through an online translation service.

Decisions will be reached much more quickly without having to endure troublesome debates or awkward opposition. Instead, a hand-picked selection of obedient MPs will attend in order! order! to nod through whatever legislation Dominic Cummings wishes them to.

Removal of the franchise coincides neatly with removal of other rights, unless you happen to be one of the fortunate feudal lords ramming the legislation through what remains of parliament.

“This ramps up the whole business of taking back control,” remarked supine yes-man Job Dunn MP. “The government’s entire lack of strategy will enable our natural leaders to reclaim rights eroded by stroppy serfs getting above their station!”

This, then, is democracy.

“Of course it is,” retorts Dunn. “The People had a vote, which means we have a massive mandate to do whatever we want!”

And what is it that we want?

“Let me check,” said Dunn, pulling out a sheet of official notepaper bearing the inscription ‘From the office of Dominic Cummings’. “Ah yes,” he said, peering closely at the text. “Restore ancient privileges, remove onerous and intrusive legislation (especially concerning rights currently assigned to the lower orders), decrease surplus population by natural or natural-seeming processes, not-for-profit organisations banned… That’s the gist of it,” he concluded.

So Jacob Rees-Mogg’s announcement is totally in line with your understanding of what democracy means?

“Power to the privileged!” cried Dunn, tugging his forelock obsequiously. “Parliament will eventually assume a ceremonial function, like the monarchy. Wasteful and inefficient elections will be replaced by an interview process, so that only the very best will represent Mr Rees-Mogg’s interests!”

And where will these brave new leaders work from?

“55 Tufton Street will be the new seat of power!”

What a surprise.

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Boris Johnson says no need for people to wear masks now that his has fallen off

WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIFE EXPECTANCY ANYWAY : THE UK’S PUPPET KING, BORIS ‘DE PRATTLE’ JOHNSONOV, has hit back at traitors suggesting that his policy of no masks in public, in a time of RESPIRATORY PANDEMIC, is a bad one.

“Did the Spitfire pilots of WW2 wear masks?” Mr Johnsonov, who still hasn’t released the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, demanded, “Did the brave Tommy in the trenches in WW1 wear masks? Did the triumphant English knights at Agincourt wear masks? British men and women do not conceal their faces. We face danger head on.”

And while Mr Johnsonov looks determined to ignore voices that suggest masks could help save lives, some are wondering if the man who took technology lessons off a pole dancer has our best interests at heart.

“It’s because his own mask has fallen off,” one critic suggested.

“His polling is steadily dropping through the floor,” they went on, “dropping like a lead balloon. So if he was to suddenly restrict the freedoms of the citizens his primary duty is to defend, well, you might find Labour sneaking a poll lead. Not because mask wearing would offend, but because it’d be another u-turn in pandemic policy. People might start to get the sneaky feeling Mr Johnsonov isn’t up to the job. Just. Possibly.”

But others seem less concerned over the loss of Mr Johnsonov’s public mask.

“He’s the fig leaf for Dominic Cummings’ insane agenda to reorganise the UK like a three year ‘reorganising’ his bedroom after being told off for smearing scat on the living room walls. And he’s stuck fast at that. I’d worry about that.”

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Downing Street denies rumours Dominic Cummings dresses like Aztec priest in private

HUMAN SACRIFICES RESUME MONDAY : THE ACTUAL PRIME MINISTER, DOMINIC “EYE TEST” CUMMINGS, has made a surprise return to the news cycle today after rumours began circling of his dressing habits.

“It is not true that Dominic dresses like an Aztec priest performing human sacrifices, as seen in the movie Apocalypto,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he dresses like it all the time, even when going to dinner. The shabby teenager with the compulsive self-pleasuring habit look, that’s just for press conferences.”

But while everything that emanates from Downing Street is definitely credible, the rumour is taking some dispelling. Especially as Matt Hancock is said to have ordered the construction of a “a giant pyramid with a raised platform, over which the sun must stand directly at midday”. The fact the pyramid also has a drain that “runs from altar to gutter” is not of any interest either.

Furthermore, the ordering of antique knives of “classic, pre-colonial era American design” and the decision to take “2.2m people previously ordered to shield and let them run about outside” are also said to “not equate to anything of note.”

The rebuttals will come as reassurance to people still convinced the government has been running a bogus herd immunity policy in response to Covid-19.

“Herd immunity and human sacrifice are related, but not the same,” the source added, “and even if Dominic was dressing like a blood stained Aztec priest, it would only be to test his eyesight. Also, to ensure a good harvest. Only a traitor wants the harvest to fail.”

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Dominic Cummings promises that Boris Johnson will resign in six months

WHAT’S THE RUSH DOT COM : THE UK’S prime minister, Dominic “contempt of parliament” Cummings, has made a firm commitment to the people who voted to be ruled by an unelected bureaucrat in Durham, not Brussels.

“Unlike the tyrannical, super state across the ENGLISH CHANNEL, we are now a healthy, hereditary democracy,” Mr Cummings wrote on his blog (while also amending a post from 2012 that predicted the Olympics’ opening ceremony would feature men dressed as knights, with St George crosses on their shields, and nothing else).

Thereafter several thousand words followed, most of which attempted to compare Mr Cumming’s driving skills, even while blindfolded, as equal to famous Chinese rally driver Tsun Zu’s.

Eventually he cycled back to the point he began at.

“Mr Johnson will resign his seat at the forthcoming 2020 December General Election. He will thereafter serve as my SPAD, after I am elected with an overwhelming majority in the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. This will ensure a smooth transition of power from me to me, with Mr Johnson still worn as the fig leaf over my engorged, sociopathic member.”

But critics have leapt on the assertions and demanded to know how Mr Cummings can predict the future so confidently, when he failed so completely to prepare the UK for the Covid-19 pandemic he claims to have foreseen coming?

In response we imagined an honest reply.

“Who controls the voting system in the House of Commons? Who runs the postal voting system? Who is about to redraw the constituency boundaries? Who has failed to release the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy? Who took the UK out of the EU based on a ‘mandate’ from an advisory referendum so corrupt, had it been legally binding it would have been quashed and re-run? Need I go on. Some things are just a foregone conclusion.”

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Greece READY to deport Dominic Cummings the moment BAN on UK travellers comes into force

KEEP YOUR COVID IN A CASTLE : THE GREEK AUTHORITIES HAVE ISSUED A STATEMENT TODAY, IN ADVANCE OF THEIR BAN ON UK TRAVELLERS TO GREECE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

“The UK’s acting prime minister, Dominic Cummings, will be aprehended the moment he attempts to enter Greece,” a border force official said soberly, “we are aware that any law restraining his freedom of movement will be seen as a challenge. We are ready to take him into custody and send him back where he came from.”

The motivation appears to be the roaring success Mr Cummings has made of Covid-19 in the UK, which currently tops the world leagues in excess mortality.

But confusion has arisen over where Mr Cummings will come from? Will it be his London elite Islington address, Durham in general, Chillingdon Castle or Barnard Castle?

What is certain is that he will already have an excuse ready for why his travel was necessary, while 65m+ other UK citizens did as they were told, because they were stupid enough to hold the greater public good to heart.

“Remember, he will probably claim something ridiculous like he was only travelling to Greece because he was concerned that the beaches were running out of sand, or something similar,” the official added, “this assertion is not meant to be taken at face value. It’s purpose is to show you that he holds you in contempt and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

It is expected that numerous Tory Party MPs will also need to be swiftly apprehended and returned. In fact, probably the majority of the current cabinet, judging by the catalogue of unpunished breaches which occurred while the UK government pretended to lockdown.

It’s understood Mr Cummings’ wife is already writing the sequel to her famous Covid-19 fantasy. This is also set in London, while the real action will be happening far, far away.