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If we hold our line, covid-19 will blink first, says government

Herd insanity: We state our position, and covid-19 will be forced to make concessions, claim government sources. Let’s see who blinks first.

It’s the true bulldog spirit. Face the enemy square in the eye, and refuse to budge under any circumstances. It worked for Brexit: look at how many times the EU crumbled! It’s a long game. We will dig in, ignore health and safety regulations, and see who dies first.

Leading this refusal to take any kind of action at all is former Brexit Secretary David Davis. He spoke to LCD Views from his modest palace in Middle England.

“We hold all the cards,” he burbled, working his way through his third bottle of Chateau Maison d’Homme Anglais of the morning. “Covid-19 needs us more than we need it, so it will be desperate to bow down before our Imperial might.”

But infection and deaths in the UK are disastrous, especially when you compare with Germany.

“Yes, yes, exactly,” waffled Davis. “Too many deaths, and there won’t be anyone left to buy their cars! It’s in the German car manufacturers’ best interests to do a deal.”

And how do you deal with a virus?

“Oh, I’m sure somebody will come up with a technological solution sooner or later,” he burped casually. “Fishing rights are key. Eat more fish! British fish, with British chips, caught in British waters, using boats that went to Dunkirk! British bulldog, one, two, three!”

Then what happens?

“We wait for everything to fall into place,” be continued complacently. “Covid means covid, and we are going to make a Titanic success of it!”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

“The best news is that we don’t have to do anything!” he concluded. “We wait for covid to blink first, and it will, there is absolutely no doubt. These tricky foreign buggers always do. Then we can stroll away into the sunlit uplands, never to be heard of again!”

David Davis, about to enjoy the obscurity he, and the country, so richly deserve.

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MIA : Boris Johnson to feature on milk cartons as concerns grow over disappearance

YOU WON’T LIKE WHAT YOU FIND : Downing Street has confirmed this morning that overgrown child bully Boris ‘de death rattle’ Johnson is to feature on milk cartons.

“The prime minister is missing,” a source inside Downing Street confirms, “although it’s not fair to say he is missing in action as that implies he is working.”

Happily there is a wide selection of photo portraits to choose from as the search commences.

“It’s not accurate to say the search is commencing,” the source interjected, “more that it is resuming. He’s like a boy, always running away from home and having to be returned by an authority figure.”

Plans to pin a name tag and address label on Mr Johnson are also advancing, in the hope that he won’t be bothered to take them off before he next goes missing.

There are currently no plans to offer a reward for his safe discovery, as even the members of his own party are said to be growing weary of his complete abdication of leadership.

“We’re not making many milk cartons available,” the source adds, “contrary to the health secretary’s claims we will ramp up their production. We don’t actually want him to be found. Dom can manage to ruin the country perfectly well on his own tyvm.”

If by chance Mr Johnson turns up in the HoC for lunch time, he will almost certainly go missing again soon after.

But critics of the decision to release the portraits have suggested it would be better to feature the entirety of British parliamentary democracy, as that has been missing since June 2016, when the advisory opinion poll was won with proven corruption and the country’s politicians sailed merrily on.

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Boris Johnson said to have spent today choosing which body double will do PMQs tomorrow

WILL THE REAL PRIME MINISTER PLEASE STAND UP PLEASE STAND UP : Sometime caretaker prime minister, Boris “Al to his chums” Johnson is reported to have spent today choosing which of his new body doubles will take PMQs tomorrow.

“He’s hired the best body double agent in the business,” a completely discredited, invented source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “and they’ve spent today at Chequers auditioning a crack team of mimics.”

The best agent in the business is said to be none other than French auteur Michel Star, who arranged Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-Il’s and Melania Trump’s doubles.

“Whoever can get just the right pattern of um’s, ers, and random, entirely misunderstood classical illusions into a response to a question on PPE in schools will get tomorrow’s gig. And I can assure you the pay packet is substantial. After PMQs they’ll have to have lunch with Stanley Johnson, no mean feat.”

Plans are also in place to hold PMQs in front of blue screens with a delay on the broadcast.

“This is so the whizz kids of special effects in such famous digital feature films like ‘Donkey Scum Does Best Lying Down’ and ‘Dude! Where’s My Country?’ can digitally insert cheering hordes of Tory MPs to drown all the girly swot questions Starmer will calmly level at the Boris stand in.”

LCD Views would like to wish well whichever of the clearly talented actors gets cast to play Mr Johnson, Part Time PM, tomorrow and hope they do almost as much preparation for the role as Mr Johnson does himself each week.

“Don’t worry, Mr Starmer will be rattled tomorrow,” the source says, “whoever he ends up facing will potentially even be able to complete a coherent sentence.”

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Priti Patel says freedom of movement will end on the 300,48,153,67th February 2021

A PRITI AWFUL DAY : HOME SECRETARY AND FORMER DISGRACED MINISTER FOR INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT, PRITI “IMMIGRUNTS SUK!” PATEL, HAS RETURNED in triumph with her immigration bill.

The bill, which aims to show the dominance of the United Kingdom by stripping its citizens of rights to live, work, love, be educated and settle across an entire continent, passed at the second reading in the House of Commons. Three times will be a charm.

“It was a great day for evil,” a source inside the Ministry of Malignance told LCD Views, “to think, millions of people will suffer. The greatest abolition of rights for Brits in centuries. Decades of progress reversed at a stroke. It really is delicious.”

Exactly when the changes will come into force isn’t entirely clear. It will become clearer when confusion of the extent of the transition period is cleared up.

“Of course the Bank of England is seeing to it that the financial sector doesn’t exit the transition at the end of the year. As for the peasants, well, mwahahahahaha. Get rich quick folks! Ha!”

Of particular joy with the bill is the confirmation that the very same immigrant workers currently dying, treating Brits, will be charged for the privilege of accessing healthcare, while also paying NI.

“We’re particularly pleased with that. The sheer weight of rank hypocrisy is mindboggling. Priti will be out clapping on Thursday night for the NHS, don’t worry about that.”

But how many times will Priti Patel clap?

“Why 300,48,153,67 times of course,” the source beams, while torturing a puppy, “which is exactly the day in February when the changes to the bill will come into affect.”

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Boris Johnson to make Coronavirus vaccine from empty wine crates

INSIDE NUMBER NINETEEN : BORIS JOHNSON IS TO SAVE THE UK FROM THE KILLER LURGY by September.

A senior source inside 10 Downing Street has confirmed that the world king has ordered all the Downing Street properties from Number 10 to 19 converted into a harem.

The reason for the conversion is obvious.

“It’s so he can fill the properties with blonde women and sire more children,” the source confirms, “he does his best thinking when he’s shagging.”

And his best thinking will be required to develop the miracle preventative injection that the world is waiting for the U.K. to come up with.

“Clearly there’s going to need to be a lot of wine drunk. Probably about £350m a week, to be precise.”

The resulting empty wine crates will be refashioned as the vaccine to CV-19.

“He’ll even paint healthy looking commuters on the side of the vaccine,” the source continues, “and they won’t be wearing face masks, as there will be no need. They’ll be shaking hands with everybody. Especially other passengers who have Covid-19, as they’ve now had the vaccine.”

The announcement of the PM’s personal push to save the world comes after days of heated debate on social media, and in the press, regarding whether or not we should just go “sod it” and send our kids back to school in the middle of a pandemic.

“That debate will only distract everyone from the horrific U.K. death toll for so long, before everyone works out it’s bullshit. So the timing of Johnson’s vaccine work is vital to nudge the polls back in a favourable direction.”

Once the empty wine crate vaccine is completed G4S or Pizza Hut will he selected to distribute it.

“Like the test and trace system, it’s vital to keep local authorities out of it, as they have the relevant expertise to deliver it,” the source concludes, “and we’ll never get to the sunlit uplands of herd immunity like that. And besides, if you’re governed by disaster capitalists you can not simply expect the disaster to conclude, just like that.”

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University of Life to offer course in placard making

Back to skool! Following its triumphant reopening this week, and a successful Freshers’ Ball at the weekend, the University of Life is now teaching students the ancient art of making placards.

The eligibility criteria are few. All alumni of the School of Hard Knocks may participate, so long as they have access to paint, cardboard, and a length of two-by-four. Anyone else whose ignorance of proofreading is complete may also join in.

The course has three modules: assembly, painting, and message. Anyone can act as a tutor, so long as they have a shed or garage, six crates of Stella, some manky old tattoos, and an undying love of West Ham United Football Club.

LCD Views contacted one such tutor over a well-known social media platform, where his handle is @hamersfan95562247844. We’ll call him Dave.

“Assembly is a piece of piss,” wrote Dave. “Make a square frame. Put a pole down the middle. Nail it together. Stick cardboard over it. Nail that down too. Lovely jubbly!”

Painting was even easier.

“Slap the paint on,” wrote Dave. “Let it dry while you finish your crate of Stella, and watch the 1966 World Cup Final again and have a man-wank as Bobby Moore lifts the trophy.”

Sounds quite simple so far.

“The words, now that’s no problem,” wrote Dave. “Think what you want to say, but don’t think too hard or you’ll lose the will to live. Paint the words on the sign. Wherever you like, it’s a free country. Don’t let the bleedin’ Grammar Nazis tell you what to do! Have some more Stella and you’re good to go!”

Even if you are basically waving a word salad in the air?

“Salad? Eff off, you metropolitan liberal elite avocado muncher!” he raved. “Real men eat British beef, not rabbit food! Now, that’s it, I’ll have a Pony off you now…”

Unfortunately, the connection dropped out at that point.

Trust in the common sense of the British people. What wrong could go possibly?

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University of Life professor confirms “safe for children to go back to school, so long as they’re poor”

PLAYING WITH MATCHES : MASS RELIEF TODAY as a legitimate professor from the University of Life has confirmed that it is now safe for most British children to return to school.

Speaking at a packed press conference this morning, Professor Noes Fucall, said they have been consulting with the second rate fireplace salesman, Gav “spider” Williamson, who serves as Education Secretary symbolically, and prime minister Boris Johnson.

Their comments were greeted with a measure of initial scepticism, as everyone knows that Boris Johnson does not work weekends.

“British kids currently can’t catch or pass on the bubonic plague,” Professor Fucall shrugged, “so I see no reason there should be any difference with Covid-1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and Twentyteen. Did I miss any? 7? Did I say 7?”

The expert opinion serves to reinforce the government as it attempts to get kids back to school, so the mistresses of Tory MPs can offload their own offspring onto cheerful, working class nannies, and thus go out to lunch again.

“There really is only one important criteria to consider when thinking about sending children out to create massive petri dishes swarming with viral matter,” the Professor added, “and that is the credit score of the parents. Clearly we advise that private schools remain closed for the summer.”

LCD Views would like to commend the government for involving experts from such a famous university in the decision, and believes the input of Professor Fucall more than compensates for not having consulted the relevant DfE staff, or anyone with any relevant expertise at all.

All the parents involved in this publication concur also with the protective bubble the government is promising, and will continue to keep our children in the one they’re already in, rather than the mad science experiment the government wants to run. To. Learn. Things. Already. Known. About. The. Virus.

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SHOCKER Starmer owns donkey field, in other news PRIME MINISTER discovered to be a DONKEY

HOLD THE PRESS : THE MAIL ON SUNDAY CONTINUES TO FASCINATE WITH AWARD WINNING, VITAL JOURNALISM and today is no different.

In a mad scoop in today’s edition of one of the UK’s more disposable sheets it reveals that Labour leader Keir Starmer owns a field.

“I’m not sure how the British public will deal with this,” an insider claiming to work at the MoS told LCD Views, “after all, it’s only Conservative politicians that are expected to own large amounts of real estate, generally through inheritance. And not, I stress not, because they worked their guts out, excelled in their profession and wanted to make their ailing mother happy. It’s really not on. Why can’t he act like a prime minister and have a series of affairs and refuse to acknowledge the resultant children? It’s just not on. Think of our public standards. It took years to sink them this low.”

What the British public will make of the news isn’t certain, although it’s likely that most will be experiencing a range of emotions from nonchalance to warm hearted surprise that Sir Keir is nicer than they thought.

It’s a bit baffling why the MoS is purposely advertising on behalf of the Labour leader, by revealing such warm generosity towards his mother, and decades ago too.

But that wasn’t the only breaking news that shocked.

Genetic tests on Prime Minister Boris Johnson have revealed that, in line with his performance as PM, he is actually a donkey.

Maybe someone will do us all a favour and put him out to pasture.

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Government to conduct large scale experiment to find out whether children can transmit covid-19

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases… or do they? Our government is not just following the science, it is doing the science. It is proposing a nationwide experiment on covid-19 transmission by children.

This is to be achieved by reopening state schools. This goes against all professional advice, and contrary to the opinion of teachers and their unions. But you know, experts, what do they know about politics?

The policy was defended by Education Secretary Gavin Williamson. Surprisingly, the fact that he probably gets his kicks from fondling his pet tarantula, is not the most creepy thing about him. There’s just something about those eyes of his.

“We think that, in the long run, this will be a good thing,” he slithered into his laptop, backed by bookcases filled with books about himself. “We need to determine whether this virus does indeed move through the population, with the British stiff upper lip taking it on the chin. Our brave heroes at the chalkface and their grimy charges will help us study what happens. The hordes of the great unwashed will establish the science, and the numbers, and by staying alert we hope to achieve horde immunity.”

Parents have been reassured too.

“I am anxious to make sure that schools are safe before I send my children back,” said worried parent Fi Paying. “So darling Saskia and little Tobias aren’t going back until enough state school oiks have survived long enough for proof.”

Williamson was anxious to point out that the government would strain every sinew, work night and day, and act quickly and decisively to deflect blame on to any person or individual who dared contradict him. “I’m sorry if you feel differently,” he declared unapologetically. “But this administration was voted in with a huge majority, which means what we say is right. That’s democracy!”

Children and teachers are dying to get back to school. Or possibly the other way round.

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“It was an error to let state school teachers design UK’s CV-19 response” – Gov FESSES up

10 OF THE BEST : Downing Street has moved today to quell criticism of its Covid-19 pandemic policies by explaining who is to blame.

“Clearly it was an error to allow the nation’s teachers to design our pandemic response day by day,” a senior source inside the dark satanic mill told LCD Views, “you would have thought with all the free time they have on their hands teachers would have made a better fist of it and kept the R value below the mortality value. Or however that works. I am not a math teacher. Frankly, I’m sure I speak for the entire United England when I say I am disappointed.”

Exactly what teachers have to say for themselves isn’t yet clear. According to government sources most are “skiving off work like your average lobby fodder MP over summer recess”.

“If it wasn’t for teachers insisting they could teach the hardworking men and women nestled in the crab infested loins of Downing Street best how to defeat Coronavirus, well, we would already have fully ended the half assed non-lockdown lockdown. I blame them fairly.”

Clearly the only avenue left to teachers is to make amends for the lethal shambles they’ve caused by taking control of the pandemic management, and reopen schools forthwith.

“It’s perfectly safe to go back to underfunded, packed classrooms with insufficient resources. Everyone knows that under 18’s can only pass the particular strain of CV-19 they are unlikely to catch to one another. And I don’t see too many 17 year olds working as teachers. Do you?”

Do your bit teachers. Remember, your sacrifice will be rewarded with Boris ‘fat boy slim’ Johnson clapping LIKE A SEAL on a doorstep once a week with whoever he’s currently shagging. Or by Boris getting the clap off whoever he’s currently shagging. You choose! Your country needs you!

In unrelated news, a furore has kicked off over the spelling of the badges being made to boost teacher morale. English teachers have taken uxbridge at the omission of the “e” at the start of the world “XPENDABLE”…