Category: Inappropriate language

The army, Britain’s go-to answer to any domestic problems, has received an SOS. Boris Johnson’s tongue has threatened to strangle Boris Johnson if he so much as utters a contrite word.

Major General Sir Doug Trenches, head of the army, was not impressed. “We are the army, not the bloody Samaritans!” he yelled. “We are not here to rescue bloody toffs from themselves. We are already busy dropping food parcels on Surrey, for crying out loud!”

Boris obviously misspoke, as his many fans were quick to point out. “It’s just Boris’s little joke,” said Andrew Bridgen, MP for North West Gammon. But the pressure has increased after the BBC actually broadcast Baroness Warsi demanding an apology.

The dandelion-headed straw man himself refused to talk to us, but his tongue hung out with us and wagged willingly.

“What’s wrong with what Boris said?” asked his tongue. “They DO look like bank robbers, or letter boxes. Observation, not racism, and you can put that dog whistle away!”

It’s a religious observance. At the very least, you are being rude.

“Bollocks!” scoffed the tongue. “Why do they cover up? Are they ashamed to show their faces? Is it like those Nazi thugs in balaclavas? And don’t tell me it’s a symbol of their religion. If they wanted to draw attention to it, why don’t they just wear a yellow star or something?”

Forthright views indeed. So what if Boris is made to apologise for his, err, clumsy remarks?

“Clumsy, my arse,” said the tongue. “Not that I have one, being a tongue. But one word – just one word – of apology, and I’m afraid I will have to leap out of his mouth and strangle him. The traitor!”

What about the army being on standby?

“I will soon lick them into shape!” boasted the tongue. “They will get a taste of their own medicine.”

Betting shops are offering very good odds on Boris Johnson biting his tongue.

The devils and the demons, the high priests of gammon and morality, are breathing more lightly at ConHQ today. The easy inhalations came with revelations in the Sunday papers that small business minister Andrew Griffiths has resigned from government after being found out bombarding two women with texts of a sexual nature.

”It was a terrible oversight on Andrew’s part,” an aide for the shamed MP told LCD Views, “not to have thought to marry either woman before bombarding them with demands they dress like pigs and let him go all deliverance on them.”

The MP for Sexting, known as a man of strong family values who voted against equal marriage on the grounds it was against his values, has now quit the stage with the crystal clear transparency of what those values are.

”It’s okay to be a bigot, but you can’t sext waitresses apparently,” the aide said, “this doesn’t seem very fair. They possess phones, clearly that means they want the attention of a powerful man. It’s quite the aphrodisiac to have a minister for small business demanding the opportunity to denigrate you.”

But while the sorry saga maybe a personal setback for Griffiths, it’s a new dawn for a party plagued by false dawns presently.

”At least no Russians are involved!” a media management robot for ConHQ said, “we’ll not yet. This is a classic Conservative scandal, proper old school Tory, it will reassure a country in which many people are wondering daily what the hell happened to us.”

A return to normality to be welcomed, unlike thousands of sexual text messages bombarding your phone at OCD level from a minister of state.

Pundits across the British media today united in blaming England’s embarrassing departure from the world cup on team manager Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat.

“Waistcoat?? Wasted chances more like,” wrote Sun columnist and former skinhead Bushy Arsehole referring to England’s inexplicable profligacy in front of goal after roaring to a surprise lead in the fifth minute.

“Kane, Sterling, wotsisname, thingummy – the one with the funny hair, they all missed absolute sitters and it’s all down to that idiot Southgate and his stupid sartorial affectations,” raved Barney Rubble, the Guardian’s roving public school football obsessive.

“‘Armless they were, just like ‘is bleedin’ stoopid waistcoat,” he continued, emphasising his unconvincing mockney accent and exposing a full chest tattoo of the entire lyrics of “Three Lions on a Shirt”.

England’s embarrassing exit has played havoc with BBC schedules ahead of Sunday’s world cup final, which had been cleared to allow for screening of a three hour documentary on the integral role of waistcoats in the UK’s upcoming departure from Europe.

Presented by the BBC ‘s chief Tory propagandist Laura Kuntsberg, the documentary was to feature lengthy interviews with newfound waistcoat fanatic and permanent BBC commentator, Nigel Farage on why he prefers to use the American term “vest” and Boris Johnson on “fuck waistcoats, I want to be Prime Minister.. NOW!”.

Although being unceremoniously booted out in the semis by a country that didn’t even exist the last time they progressed that far may be embarrassing for England, it does pale in comparison with the team’s performance in Euro 2016.

Only two years ago the heroic three lions were mauled and eaten by a country which, while boasting a history going back over a 1,000 years, is named after a low end supermarket, and boasts a smaller population than Croydon.

Even this though is overshadowed by England’s feeble showing in the 2010 world cup, itself overshadowed by the untimely death of Timperley tune-smith Frank Sidebottom, whose epic paean to the tri-leonine conquerors, “Three Shirts On My Line” had been released only days earlier.

“Werrr gunna win it fer Frank,” whined England captain Steven Gerard in an embarrassing TV interview moments before taking the field to be given what BBC commentator George Colthurst St Barleigh described as a “a darned good British style thrashing by Harry Hun, six of the best, trousers down…”

Boris Johnson responded to England’s world cup victory with a chilling rebuttal. “F*ck Panama,” he said.

Panama follows in a Boris tradition. F*ck business, f*ck anything in a skirt. Boris managed to trump Liam Fox, who was about to announce a stunning new trade deal with Panama. Presumably for hats, canals and papers. F*ck Liam Fox.

By contrast, freak Premiership winner Theresa May was delighted. “Today’s result shows the best of the English – I mean, of course, the British – on the biggest stage of all,” she said after the match, in her trademark Stephen-Hawking-meets-fingernails-on-a-blackboard voice. “Today we tamed the might of Panama. Tomorrow we win the World Cup. It’s a clear Brexit dividend. The prize money will be used to fund the NHS for years to come.”

The mood was buoyant all over Whitehall. Jeremy C. Hunt announced a free bag of saline for the next 100 NHS patients. Chris Grayling had a rare good day at the office by staying at home to watch the match. And David Davis was fully inebriated by the time England’s third goal went in.

An overexcited staffer at the DExEU was jubilant after the game. “I think it’s the best news we have had since the referendum!” gushed Sue Preem-Isolation. “This strengthens Theresa’s negotiating hand immensely, and means that David Davis is out of the way and can’t do anything stupid until he sobers up.”

Only Boris sounded a sour note. “F*ck business, f*ck Panama and f*ck off!” he grumbled, tearing up a betting slip. “England always slip up against the minnows! I had several million riding on that. Vladimir’s f*cked up royally this time. I need to have words with that popinjay crybaby Gazza!”

It is rumoured that Boris wants the England manager’s job for himself. His main talents are blustering nonsensically, and a complete lack of knowledge about football. He is, of course, perfectly qualified for the role.

“What am I supposed to wipe with now?” Satan told a packed press briefing this lunchtime as he slammed Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre’s plans to retire.

“I’ve been using Dacre brand single ply “harsh, racist and effective” paper since the early 90’s. I’m bloody enraged and that’s saying something when I say it!”

It seems the devil will be out of luck though, as the current editor of the most poisonous piece of paper trash produced day in and day out in the U.K. is determined to step down, judging he can’t poison the atmosphere anymore.

”I know he’s got to get out of the limelight before the fall out from the collapse of the hard right, person hating project he championed for years, but at least give a chap decent warning! I’m going to have to buy every copy of the Fail produced between now and November just to ensure a transitional supply until I can source an alternative paper for scrounging the backsides of the souls sent down here.”

But isn’t there a chance that the next editor will be just as brimful of hate and division and prejudice and dangerous bigotry playing to the prejudices of people who can’t be assed to find facts and further entrenching their negative mindframes used as a wafer thin defence against a changing world they don’t wish to get to grips with or understand?

”Dont be stupid,” the devil seethed, “most of the readership are dying off now thanks to the limitations of the mortal coil and ending up down here with me. To be frank, they’re driving me crazy! All they do all day is bitch and moan about the company and shout the place is full up and at breaking point!

Which reminds me, I can’t wait to get my claws into Farage, perhaps I’ll put him on the toilet roll holder for eternity instead? Or maybe just use him as the toilet brush?”

Choices. Choices.

Legendary Mancunian miserablist Morrissey has confirmed that he will release a special tribute single with all profits going to the campaign for the release of jailed right wing nut job, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, better known under his “nom de guerre”, “Tommy Robinson”.

Record company sources have confirmed that the lead song chosen for the tribute is the Cuban classic “Guantanamera”, to be backed by a version of obscure 70s pop hit “Tom Tom Turnaround” by long forgotten Australian pop toppers “New World”.

The single will be released in a variety of formats including double-download, cassingle, seven incher with gatefold picture sleeve with a pop up picture of Robinson in blue striped prison pyjamas, and a limited edition twelve incher in flaming red vinyl, shrink wrapped in a special lycra sleeve, with some as yet unconfirmed “special” bonuses.

“Tommy is a man like myself, who is not afraid to say what he thinks, no matter how much of an absolute donkey’s knob end people think he is,” cooed the openly vegan singer to reporters, confirming that he had chosen “Guantanamera”, not as had been supposed, because of its popularity with homophobic football fans, but rather because of its peculiarly Cuban origins.

Guantanamera being Cuban Spanish for “a woman from Guantánamo”, the town famous for being the location of the notorious US military base and prison for illegally kidnapped alleged Islamist terrorists.

“I feel that ‘Dear Tommy’ would understand the aptness of the reference,” cooed Morrissey.

Morrissey also confirmed that there were currently no plans for a reunion of his former band, The Smiths, following the collapse last year of a planned one off benefit concert for ousted UK prime minister, “Poor Dave” Cameron.

Those plans famously collapsed after former Smiths drummer Andy Joyce was photographed outside the “XS Manchester” radio station where he presents a weekly show, eating a kebab.

Commenting at the time Morrissey snarled that “only the lowest of the low soil their mouths with dead animals”, but added that having said that he was partial to an occasional gammon sandwich with a squirt of mustard.

LCD Views can report today after exhaustive study of all BBC news Twitter platforms that the corporation’s pro Brexit propaganda has been blamed on taking Imodium, day after day since June 23rd 2016.

”They really need to stop taking it and let all the crap flush out,” our broadcasting bias expert said, after studying the timelines, “you can see all these jokey comments on the actual day of the EURef. Various BBC presenters tweeting about how nervous they were about the all night coverage.”

It seemed the major concern was what to do if the result was inconclusive.

”They’d be forced to come up with some sort of coherent narrative at that stage, which didn’t worry the old BBC, but this one? It gives today’s BBC and it’s Tory placements in the hierarchy jammed in one by one by Dave “the wonder” Cameron the squirts. What to do if soundbites from ConHQ won’t pass off as news? Crikey!”

But it seems a well known public figure, Nigel Farage, also a heavy twitter taker, noticed the anxieties and the rumblings of loose bowels, the concerns about getting through the night, and decided to help.

”He was an angel to them,” our expert concludes, “not only has he generated most of the BBC’s unoriginal content for nearly a decade, totally cost free by and large, but in the moment of crisis he turns up with a lorry of Imodium he’d just happened to pick up while passing through Moscow.”

But it seems while solving the immediate concern of sitting behind a desk looking confused, it has had some unintended consequences?

”Yes. There’s concerns now it’s not the genuine thing and a knock off with certain habit forming ingredients in it.

There’s even reports of Today programme editors just grinding it up and snorting it before the show. And for those who are perpetually high on it it’s led to a real back up of crap that now comes out of their mouths. Very alarming stuff. The addict doesn’t even know it’s happening.”

So this explains why John Humphrys and Nick Robinson, and Radio 4 news broadcasters generally are so obviously pushing a line these days?

”Oh no, most of them are so fat from six figure salaries for years, such good pals with certain politicians, they’re just comfortably biased these days and naturally full of shit.”

BBC bosses were celebrating  today after the revelation that R4 Today programme presenter John Humphrys was replaced by a boiled ham shortly after the EUref in 2016, and people are only now noticing.

The scandal is made worse by the unconfirmed allegation that Mr Humphrys has continued to received his six figure salary while at home tending his plants and comfortable in his biases.

“He spends his days reading copies of the The Daily Mail, The Express and The Sun to the orchids he has imprisoned in his conserva-tory,” a whistleblower told LCD Views, “any orchid that doesn’t flower by page three of The Sun he moves to a deep chest freezer as punishment.”

But when questioned over the growing scandal, Today programme presenter, former tabloid editor S Sands, was unrepentant.

“This is to help make a success of Brexit,” she told us, “and you can take your concerns about impartiality and shove it.

I’ve probably got another lunch with Murdoch, Fox, Banks and some other chums later. Not that that means anything.

From the moment lazy ass PM David Cameron began replacing executives in the power structure with Tory saboteurs we felt confident we could dumb down the nation sufficiently to get anything we wanted done.”

Supporters of the BBC have also rushed to its defence.

“Anyone that tells you the BBC should be focused on getting to the truth of matters, transmitting facts as best can be ascertained, rather than allowing equal air time to con artists, chancers and someone to interrupt constantly who thought they were coming on to discuss reality, has forgotten the whole point of having a state controlled broadcaster,” opined amateur WW2 fetishist, Nigel, of no fixed address.

But the BBC used to be famous for the standards of its journalism? Now it just sounds like a series of broadcasts from the Ministry of Propaganda, day in and day out.

“So? Do you want to make a success of turning the UK into a giant tax haven or not? And can you you honestly say that the boiled ham has said anything that John wouldn’t have said?”

A good point.

“Remoaners turning off the Beeb is entirely the point of replacing Humphrys with a boiled ham.”

It doesn’t make much sense, given Humphrys was happy to be total gammon anyway?

“Nothing is supposed to make sense to the public. It’s supposed to be confusing. It’s supposed to be a shambles. It’s supposed to be distracting. You’re not supposed to be noticing the clock running down as we hurtle towards economic calamity and total privatisation of UK plc. You focusing on this revelation is doing the job for us.”

Is that because otherwise I might be focusing on May’s plan to stuff the House of Lords with all manner of pork products next week? Using the distraction of the royal wedding as a cover?

“You can answer that for yourself.”

Success today for acclaimed biologist and evolutionary scientist Professor Faxenstuf with the publication of his paper proving human evolution has ceased.

”It may not be going too far to say it is now in reverse,” the professor told LCD Views this morning, at a star studded launch of his exhausted one hundred word paper.

But what does the professor put the abrupt halt to human biological and neurological evolution down to?

”Social media,” he answers, “it is mostly to blame. It has allowed pockets of the gene pool hitherto isolated to contact and procreaate retrograde and self-defeating psychological gene mutations in the service of parasitical organisms at a rate the natural cycle can not eliminate quickly enough to stop further inbreeding. We’re doomed. It’s the Tower of Babel all over again.”

Whats the bible got to do with it?

”Not a lot if you’re an elected official who proclaims to adhere to any particular set of religious teachings. Clearly.”

So is there any hope of stopping the spread of the genes driving human evolution in reverse?

”Laws banning the use of caps locks without passing a test similar to a driver’s license would be a start. It should help reduce the number of fateful pairings of ideological matches that help reverse the natural progression.”

Any other measures?

”People doing the smallest amount of flipping fact checking and research. Closing The Daily Mail and all the other tax exile owned rags, which provide nesting material. There’s many things.”

That’s good. So it’s not too late?

”I wouldn’t be so sure. Look at who is currently the most dominant alpha figures both sides of the pond.”

Fire Boris Johnson.

”Definitely. May actually be the silver bullet we need. Twinned with Drumpf’s looming impeachment of course.”

Britain’s greatest prime minister since Charles II has entered the fray today concerning the gammon scandal.

”I just love all pork products,” David Cameron, inheritance millionaire famous for intimacy with a pig’s head to win the approval, allegedly, of Boris Johnson and other posh boy visionaries told us.

Our interview took place in his infamous shepherd’s hut shed. A folly he kindly let the world know cost the average household income and shouted about in a big colour supplement shed even as the flames of his great referendum mishap were catching on the UK’s curtains and promising to empoveish people earning the average household income.

What a boy.

So much power and so little sense of accountability.

That little sense of accountability goes for hi viz fetishist George “wonder” Osborne too. Dave’s ball boy.

Baron of ideological austerity. He also sowed the seeds and micturated on the seedlings of Brexit.

But at least Tezza’s humiliated him by firing him and reminding him of the humiliation he felt in earlier years at the hands of the Tory grandees when he was bossed like a soggy biscuit into the bin of the leadership race Michael Howard won.

And now he’s out for payback. So we appreciate that. Keeping going Boy Wonder. We all know you want to be PM still, flinging your rocks out from your London newspaper fortress.

”I thought this article was about how much I love f*cking dead pigs in the face and not a near stream of consciousness about my former colleague?” David interjected.

Sorry Britain’s greatest PM since Chamberlain, do go on.

”You see all those racist, gammon men and women, let’s not discriminate, voting for the fascist, clueless UKIP start up just terrified me. So I thought I’ll give in and maybe they’ll let me live.”

How did they work out?

”I have no regrets. I’m eyesplittingly wealthy and have moved to Spain.”

Thanks for your help Dave.

”My pleasure. Love the gammon. A total vote winner until you get pork scratchings in the eyes. How’s the U.K. doing since the greatest prime minister since Edward II left?”