“What am I supposed to wipe with now?” Satan told a packed press briefing this lunchtime as he slammed Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre’s plans to retire.
“I’ve been using Dacre brand single ply “harsh, racist and effective” paper since the early 90’s. I’m bloody enraged and that’s saying something when I say it!”
It seems the devil will be out of luck though, as the current editor of the most poisonous piece of paper trash produced day in and day out in the U.K. is determined to step down, judging he can’t poison the atmosphere anymore.
”I know he’s got to get out of the limelight before the fall out from the collapse of the hard right, person hating project he championed for years, but at least give a chap decent warning! I’m going to have to buy every copy of the Fail produced between now and November just to ensure a transitional supply until I can source an alternative paper for scrounging the backsides of the souls sent down here.”
But isn’t there a chance that the next editor will be just as brimful of hate and division and prejudice and dangerous bigotry playing to the prejudices of people who can’t be assed to find facts and further entrenching their negative mindframes used as a wafer thin defence against a changing world they don’t wish to get to grips with or understand?
”Dont be stupid,” the devil seethed, “most of the readership are dying off now thanks to the limitations of the mortal coil and ending up down here with me. To be frank, they’re driving me crazy! All they do all day is bitch and moan about the company and shout the place is full up and at breaking point!
Which reminds me, I can’t wait to get my claws into Farage, perhaps I’ll put him on the toilet roll holder for eternity instead? Or maybe just use him as the toilet brush?”
Choices. Choices.