The army, Britain’s go-to answer to any domestic problems, has received an SOS. Boris Johnson’s tongue has threatened to strangle Boris Johnson if he so much as utters a contrite word.
Major General Sir Doug Trenches, head of the army, was not impressed. “We are the army, not the bloody Samaritans!” he yelled. “We are not here to rescue bloody toffs from themselves. We are already busy dropping food parcels on Surrey, for crying out loud!”
Boris obviously misspoke, as his many fans were quick to point out. “It’s just Boris’s little joke,” said Andrew Bridgen, MP for North West Gammon. But the pressure has increased after the BBC actually broadcast Baroness Warsi demanding an apology.
The dandelion-headed straw man himself refused to talk to us, but his tongue hung out with us and wagged willingly.
“What’s wrong with what Boris said?” asked his tongue. “They DO look like bank robbers, or letter boxes. Observation, not racism, and you can put that dog whistle away!”
It’s a religious observance. At the very least, you are being rude.
“Bollocks!” scoffed the tongue. “Why do they cover up? Are they ashamed to show their faces? Is it like those Nazi thugs in balaclavas? And don’t tell me it’s a symbol of their religion. If they wanted to draw attention to it, why don’t they just wear a yellow star or something?”
Forthright views indeed. So what if Boris is made to apologise for his, err, clumsy remarks?
“Clumsy, my arse,” said the tongue. “Not that I have one, being a tongue. But one word – just one word – of apology, and I’m afraid I will have to leap out of his mouth and strangle him. The traitor!”
What about the army being on standby?
“I will soon lick them into shape!” boasted the tongue. “They will get a taste of their own medicine.”
Betting shops are offering very good odds on Boris Johnson biting his tongue.