Category: Inappropriate language

A government expert took time out of his busy schedule of working out how to knife everyone around him in the back to explain to a confused country that words no longer have any meaning.

“Words. They’re finished. I can assure you that even now, the words I’m using, they mean nothing,” Mr Gove, Minister for pretending to care about animals and things, told a sympathetic interviewer.

“It used to be in the past that the meaning of words would evolve over time, but the meaning at any one point be somewhat fixed by reference to context.”

No more. Done and dusted it seems. Post fact and all that.

“Just listen to all the word spin I’ve produced this morning to try and get us out of having to actually admit we plan to most likely not protect animals that well, but we don’t want to tell you until after Brexit and use Henry VIII powers to do it.”

But he saved his best line of nonsense to use as ammunition against social media, which has caused him some distress in recent days.

“Social media spreading misinterpretations about the EU is excellent. That’s social media at its best and makes my puppet master very pleased. Some say we actually used social media to spread misinformation expertly in the referendum campaign and pretty much every other waking minute of the day when pursuing policy.”

But it seems if the grape vine is working against Michael’s interests it should probably be cut up and composted.

“Look into my eyes and listen. Words have no meaning. At least, not until I want to lie to you again.”

And you can trust Michael Gove as he’s an expert.

Michael Gove is to go on a PR tour de force today, dressed as Doctor Dolittle, to convince the great British public that they can trust the Conservatives with the animals, even though they’re famous for hurting certain animals.

Gove is thought to be the best choice because he’s the most trustworthy man in cabinet.

The push back is a response to the misinterpretation of the government’s actions in parliament when they rejected an amendment to the GREAT REPEAL BILL, no wait, the EU Withdrawal Bill, that would have enshrined recognition of animal sentience in U.K. law, after Brexit.

“Unless we decide to change it with Henry VIII powers after Brexit of course,” a spokesman for the governing coalition at Westminster told LCD Views.

“You can trust us with the animals. Why couldn’t you trust us with the animals? You don’t look like a badger or a fox or a live export or a puppy farmer to me.”

The desire to bring back hunting with dogs and the mountain of dead badgers argue maybe people can’t trust you with the animals?

Although of course, public opinion is split 52%/48% on whether or not science should be listened to when deciding policy.

“Pish. Michael Gove is regenerating as we speak as the next Doctor Dolittle and he will be on the airwaves in his best liquid form, settling over the country all day to make the animals feel secure.”

To further the government’s credibility on this cruelly misunderstood matter Mr Gove will attempt to feed squirrels in St James park at midday. There are also plans to leave him outside Battersea Cats and Dogs home for the night.

“There is absolutely no chance we won’t protect animal sentience after Brexit,” the spokesman added, “even though we rejected that greenies amendment, misspoke about a 2006 act of Parliament to correct the misinterpretation and are now just making promises on future actions. Caroline’s admenmemt didn’t give the animals the protection we want.”

Presumably you want bugger all?

It maybe unfair to mistrust they will protect the animals after Brexit, as there’s bugger all chance of them still being in government.

The BBC has taken right and proper action this morning by placing an unnamed employee on “gardening leave” after they attempted to subvert democracy by explaining that Angela Merkel is not the ruler of the EU.

They compounded their treason by shouting “the EU isn’t a superstate you clowns!” as security guards removed them from the Today programme studio this morning.
John Humohrys, who began his career in journalism reporting for LCD Views from Brussels, and will likely end his career doing the same, phoned up to tell us of the nightmare only averted by swift action.

“I can tell you we’re all pretty shook up,” he related, and then did an Elvis impersonation for a few minutes.

He returned to the attack on the people a few minutes later.

“A very long time ago, in a galaxy that now seems far away, we decided to outsource the majority of our political journalism to repeating government talking points on Brexit and to dumbing down the matter as much as possible to compete with the tabloids.”

He went on to explain that clearly,

“What happens with Angela Merkel in Germany is the most pressing factor in whether or not the EU superstate accept whatever hypothetical sum the idiots in government decide to offer, with strings attached, by way of furthering Brexit negotiations to the point where most major sectors of the economy depart Britain for the EU and the UK government gets to try and turn the country into a tax haven to make the backers of Brexit happy.”

Quite why the anonymous employee attempted to introduce some fact into a discussion that was predetermined to be largely nonsense is anyone’s guess.

“They may have picked up a subversive foreign muckraker that mentioned the trifling matter of Ireland and the border with NI? But that’s just a guess.”

Red-faced restaurateurs are facing crippling bills after losing huge quantities of furniture. This is the surprising result of politeness. Waiters meeting and greeting customers were instructed to say ‘take a seat’. Many customers have interpreted the phrase literally.

Bosses at Greedy McCready’s restaurant were initially astonished when diners began to complain that there were no seats available. It took some time to realise that the reason was a lack of chairs, not space.

“It took a long time for the penny to drop,” said “Lightning” Rod McCready, managing director of Greedy McCready’s. ‘But we have learned our lesson. No more politeness. No more turning the other cheek to the cheeky fat bastards who eat here.”

McCready’s chairs, being designed for the more generously proportioned diner, have become the ‘must-have’ accessory among tubby folk. They are also much more comfortable than, say, a standard dining chair.

“I found the chairs addictively comfortable,” claims one anonymous chubster. “I just had to have one at home! Besides after my dinner I couldn’t squeeze back out of it, so it came right home with me.”

Others are less subtle. “They said, take a seat,” said a shifty type with an unmarked white Transit van. “So I did. The local plumpies love them. It’s a nice little earner and good advertising for McCready’s.”

“Lightning” Rod disagrees. “I had to spend thousands at IKEA on supersized Phati chairs, then get some guy to fix them to the floor,” he fumed. “It could drive me out of business! Bloody thieving blubbery buggers!”

McCready once experimented with beanbags, since they accommodate even the lardiest backside. Unfortunately his ever-hungry clientele would eat the beans between courses.

“I’ve learned from my mistakes,” admits McCready. This is quite true, according to well-fed sources, although politeness has not been discarded altogether.

The new greeting at Greedy McCready’s is Help Yourself To A Table.