Category: Inappropriate language

LCD Views are pleased to inform the great British public of the new pay deal operating at Broadcasting House, which aims to increase the low pay of senior male presenters.

“It’s just fantastic that my patriotic work on the Today programme is finally being acknowledged,” the BBC’s most famous presenter told us, “a pound for every time I say will of the people? I’ll be a millionaire again by the end of the month!”

Equality campaigners have also welcomed the move.

“It’s an equal opportunity field,” R Ussia told us, “men and women, all right thinking, patriotic broadcasters can say will of the people. This only strengthens the motherland.”

It’s felt the timing of the move is right too. As a certain public policy agenda is set to dominate the news like a slow motion car crash all year. One BBC presenter will be guaranteed of a slot on all relevant programmes. Regardless of never saying anything that stacks up.

“Government ministers will be on daily to exhort the people to greater efforts of group think too,” the presenter added, “the BBC’s political programme presenters will have to double down on the reluctance to check the facts of what is being asserted.”

The did a bang up job on Trump’s embassy tweet yesterday.

Repeating ‘will of the people’ ad nauseum is a great way to ensure a success of Empire 2.0. Although there is some trouble in the offing with the change.

“I’m going to sue for back pay.” Humphrey Bear states, “I’ve said will of the people 947,003 times this year already in interviews with quislings attempting to undermine my nostalgic view of the past, superimposed onto the future. British exceptionalism at it’s finest.”

The BBC wouldn’t make an actual director available for interview about the change.

Which is a bit annoying as we’d like to jump on the bandwagon, not check facts anymore and grab a pound a throw for ourselves.

Will of the people. Will of the people. Will of the people. Will of the people…and on and on.

The Conservatives pushed their membership over 200,000 today as women all over the U.K. reacted positively to the old men of the party blathering defences and excuses about the character of noted feminist campaigner Toby Young.

“I’m going to nominate him for Woman of the Year, 2018!” Twitter user, IheartToby tweeted.

Others were similarly effusive,

“The way the chumocracy of entitled middle aged white men have come out to excuse the horrifying misogyny of Toby warms my heart more than the Westminster sexual harassment scandal. It’s nice to know that even in troubled times like this, Toby can rely on his friends.”

It certainly seems to show, that in spite of criticism from people who have no idea about rebuilding a dying political party membership, apart from taking from the young the things they care about, that defending a man who has been forced to resign from a cushy, taxpayer funded new quango is the way to go.

“They’ll probably reach half a million new female members by the weekend,” a serious political analyst commented, “who wouldn’t want to publicly defend a guy who has made a habit of horrific, sexually focused denigration of women? It’s doing more to rebrand the Tories than any genius catch phrase thought up by May.”

One or two lone voices have suggested that privileged ageing men, who may have a general reputation as a group for not being very progressive, attempting to keep a man with such vile views in a chumocracy job actually hurts the Conservatives.

But what do they know? Probably only women who should be at home barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hey Toby? Whadda you say?

Others have pointed out that the verbal denigration expressed by Mr Young is another incarnation of the appalling denigration of women, so common in modern pornography.

A further expression of insecure men who feel threatened by any sniff of sexual equality. They need to stamp down on it or they’ll worry their willies aren’t willies fit for the 21st Century?

“I couldn’t comment on that,” a senior Tory bull male responded, “we don’t know anything about porn.”

If only Toby had thought to delete tens of thousands of sexist tweets before accepting the job of destroying access to higher education for poorer demographics, then no one would ever have known what he used to be like, so long ago.

BBC children’s television programming director was in lockdown this morning after news broke that one of the Beeb’s highest paid children’s television entertainers has been arrested by drug squad officers acting on a tip off from the Daily Mail.

While neither the Met nor Broadcasting House will confirm the identity of the criminal OPERATING A DRUG DISTRIBUTION NETWORK FOR YEARS IN PLAIN SIGHT UNDER THE NOSES OF TAXPAYER FUNDED EXECUTIVES, LCD has it on good authority that the arrested individual is Makka Pakka from the award winning show “In the night garden”.

“It comes as no surprise to anyone who has paid close attention to this seemingly trippy, but harmless, children’s show,” A Scandal, light entertainment correspondent for LCD says, “he visits all the inhabitants of the wood daily on his rounds and they are all obviously off their heads on cake, or worse, crystal meth.”

It appears the Daily Mail inserted an undercover reporter in the production team when they realised the show was the one area of UK life they hadn’t at least attempted to poison.

Makka Pakka’s agent was refusing all calls this morning, but we were able to speak to Upsy Daisy who gave the following statement,

“It’s a relief that he’s finally been collared. I’m into him for about fifty large and I was considering betting fraud, or worse, as the only option to come up with the cash before he broke my legs.”

Although definitely part of something untoward our correspondent is not certain Makka Pakka is anything more than a minor player.

“He’s just a mule,” A Scandal asserted, “I’m pretty sure Igglepiggle is the kingpin of the operation and those tiny folk in the house do the cooking up.”

The BBC has cancelled all scheduled screenings of the show in what has been called a knee jerk reaction.

Well, not all, they’re going to play the episode where Tom Hardy reads the bedtime story on a loop until they have the situation under control, but they’ll be covering his face with a digitally inserted mask to protect his identity.

The country’s universities are a step closer to being incubators of just and right thought today as the government announced its plans for the Great University Reform Bill, which will ban the use of bad words like “remain” and “history”.

“Free speech means you are free to speak on behalf of the government,” Jo Johnson MP, the author of the bill, told a very sympathetic old timer on Radio 4’s devout Today programme.

“It’s been shown since the referendum that the country’s universities are refusing to do their patriotic victory and agree with Nigel Farage. We’re just not going to tolerate it. And this also gives me some exposure. My brother is a total hog. I’m sick of being asked, and what do you do? I legislate the way people think. That’s what I do.”

It’s believed the new powers, which will be enforced by an entirely balanced watchdog composed entirely of Conservakip members, and Kate Hoey, will scrutinise all university lectures prior to their being given.

“We’ve managed to hobble the BBC over the last few years by threats against their funding, and by making them obsessed with chasing ratings rather than dedicating their news output as a bullwalk against bias.

We’ve managed to get our private schools paid for with taxpayers’ money with the free school initiative, which saves us a lot of the political inconvenience we used to suffer from exclusive education.

The upcoming social cost of segregating generations in schools on religious grounds will be someone else’s problem.

Now we just have to bully, by way of financial threats, the already sensibly reformed, along business models, universities with financial threats unless they allow visiting KKK economic wizards to speak to young people whose minds are too full of facts nowadays, and we’ll be well on the way to controlling all the thought of the country in distracted service to our tax havens.”

While many are sympathetic to a push back against no-platforming, it’s perhaps unwise to trust a government committed to an agenda based on the dissemination of lies to legislate for reform.

Maybe they can go a little further and have rolling tapes of Nigel Farage lecturing on his idea of WW2 in dorms and canteens, just for balance? It would a useful way to combat the rot caused in patriotic feelings by critical thinking.

“Once universities are talking about the glory to come of finally being able to trade internationally with a blue passport in hand, and only with countries whose human rights record government ministers envy, we’ll know we’re well on the way to making a tangible success of Brexit.”

Lawyers operating on behalf of the HMS Titanic have lodged court papers in order to sue the leaky aircraft carrier HMS Elizabeth for damages as a result of its (alleged) Brexit related IP theft.

“Our client, the Titanic, has clear ownership of Brexit related intellectual property and will be seeking damages in court from the HMS Elizabeth regardless of whether or not it ceases and desists its use as a Brexit metaphor.”

It’s believed the damages, if the Titanic is successful, could run to many millions, perhaps even billions.

The legal action immediately caught the eye of LBC shock jock and hate monger N. Farage who lambasted the HMS Elizabeth for clearly having been built by immigrant labour and not proper British shipbuilders.

He claims the fact the ship isn’t made from oak as evidence enough.

But the Titanic’s lawyers have sought to distance themselves from Mr. Farage’s comments, explaining, “our client maybe very, very annoyed, but it’s not a racist who hopes to profit off the economic calamity and isolation being caused by Brexit.”

Asked for comment, the HMS Elizabeth explained it will defend itself in court as an apt metaphor for Brexit and that as the Titanic sunk over a century ago all claims to metaphor exclusivity have expired with the usual statute copyright.

“Furthermore, I’m a bit of a joke internationally due to not having any planes. This is the last thing I need. I still don’t understand why they scrapped the other carriers before I was actually ready? Why?”

The department of defence is yet to comment on the developing shambles, other than to say it is attempting to plug the leak with the Brexit impact statements, which have been kindly supplied by Mr. David Davis somehow still an MP.

“It was a mistake to allow DExEU to draw up the plans to begin with,” a MOD whistleblower revealed, before returning to the pumps.

The words “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” and “science-based” have been vetoed. The reason is rumoured to be that President Trump understands none of these words.

In fact, all words longer than one syllable have been proscribed to aid transparency. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have worked long and hard to determine whether or not the word “science” counts as a single syllable. In the end, it was decided that the synonym “smart stuff” should be employed instead.

The CDC issued a press release. It read: “Polysyllabic lexicography is henceforth prohibited within interdepartmental communications appertaining to the Presidential entourage.” The White House was sent a modified statement, which read: “We will just use short words from now on.”

The White House naturally viewed this as a triumph. “Us small town folk don’t get no long words,” declared President Trump to an audience of adoring fans. “We like stuff that goes straight to the point. No crap. I say it once more, don’t give no crap to the White House! No more Fake News! Great!”

The audience of over a million people raised the roof of the 300-seater auditorium. Some audience members spoke to LCD’s Extreme Bullshit Correspondent afterwards. “Trump’s just great, ain’t he?” said one. “Cut the crap! That’s what we all want from the so called smart guys.” Another remarked, “I love it when Trump says long words like ‘bigly’ and ‘covfefe’. It makes him sound like he knows stuff! I’m a straight man, but I love him so much that I want to have kids with him!”

The CDC’s spokesman revealed that the complex issues of sexual orientation and gender identity will, in future, be referred to by using the phrase “He’s a bit Boy George, know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink”.

And the moral of the story? “Don’t use bigly words where short ones are more covfefe.”

Donald Trump’s award-winning idiocy has plumbed new depths. The neurotic narcissist has retweeted racist videos from Britain First. His insensitive response  to criticism has astonished even the most cynical Trump watchers.

One of Trump’s hallmarks is his egocentricity. Put simply: me, me, me. But “Don’t focus on me” is a U-turn that Theresa May herself would be proud of.

LCD’s Raving Nutjobs Correspondent spoke to psychologist Dr Meena Greatdeal to gain an insight into the President’s state of mind. “It’s typical attention-seeking,” said Dr Greatdeal. “Saying ‘Don’t focus on me’ still puts the focus on himself. I think that the President is unaware of how he comes across.”

Either that, or he doesn’t care? “Most likely he hasn’t spared a moment on self-analysis,” retorted Dr Greatdeal. “An intelligent person will reflect upon how their words are likely to be received. Trump has less filter than an untipped cigarette.”

An elementary principle of Physics states that Nature abhors a vacuum. In other words, something – anything – will fill an empty space. In the case of Winnie the Pooh, grey fluff occupied the space normally reserved for a brain. The void between Donald Trump’s ears appears to have been filled with viral racist claptrap.

This elementary reasoning goes a long way to explaining Trump’s recent behaviour. Poisonous rhetoric and rampant egomania are two of the necessary conditions to create a despot. Throw in a complete absence of a sense of humour and you have the full set. Trump is following in the hallowed footsteps of Genghis Khan, Jim Davidson, and Iain Duncan Smith.

“Focus on Radical Islamic Terrorism,” is Trump’s petulant advice to Theresa May. As the UK hurtles towards the Brexit cliff edge like a mentally deranged lemming on speed, May has bigger fish to fry.

Donald Trump initially sent his imbecilic tirade to the wrong Theresa May. Maybe there is also a bit of grey fluff in his head after all.

Boris Johnson was under pressure today to reassure an anxious United Kingdom that with friends like Donald Trump he will personally do his best not to make the UK any new enemies.

The demand follows on from the latest tweets by the orange skinned argument for birth control who is currently running America on behalf of Russia.

“It’s entirely sensible not to sour relations with anyone beyond the EU27,” Mr Johnson was said to have replied, “I mean, after the twenty seven, aah, former friends across the channel, who are already anxious of how much flesh the rampaging British lion is going to do to their export markets once we leave the EU and can no longer afford to import prosecco, aah, it will be entirely insensible to cheese off anyone new, aaah, with our idiot, racist, dangerous demagogue friend Mr Trump retweeting racist hate speech posted originally by a community organisation famous for fabricating complete bollocks out of a frankly bizarre and disgusting desire to provoke a race war.”

Unfortunately the rest of the governing coalition at Westminster don’t seem so ready to follow the foreign secretary’s lead, while they will pay lip service to outrage.

Trump is still welcome to a state visit even though he is retweeting racist, Nazi garbage, because apparently he’s our friend.

LCD Views community health analyst had this to say,

“It makes you wonder how that old saying, you can judge a person by the company they keep, applies to the UK these days? We’re leaving a union of 27 largely progressive democracies busying enshrining human rights into law and aligning ourselves with a lazy, insecure hate filled man who’ll probably start WW3 just to find a new low to sink to.”

It doesn’t stack up well. We should think about the company we plan on keeping.

DONALD’S STRUGGLE : President Donald Trump has moved this afternoon to pour oil on troubled waters after his retweeting of a certain ultra nationalist, racist, delusional British local community group’s fabricated posts caused some people to question whether or not Trump maybe a little bit racist?

“Let’s put minds to rest,” he said, speaking from a white bedsheets naming ceremony, “The fake news media are all is Donald a racist? Is Donald an unstable bigot who’s gonna get us all killed because he’s too narcissistic to let a fat kid in North Korea play with rockets so he’s got to go and tweet something shocking to get the attention back, well”

It went on like this for a considerable time until he offered the confirmation and reassurance of his position on race relations that was asked for.

“From now on, every morning when I’m on the toilet and I’m normally tweeting out whatever bullshit is going through my mind, I’m going to stop all that. That ends now.”

He stopped talking for a moment in order to set fire to a cross on a lawn before continuing,

“I’m going to save all the shock and questions and just start tweeting out Mein Kampf. Page one. Line one. Word one. Starting tomorrow. The author is a personal hero of mine and many of my bestest friends.”

He did add later however, to clarify, that as his struggle is with reading and writing he would be having one of his aides do the actual tweeting.

Asked to respond to the President’s statement an MP from HMG was reluctant to condemn the president, because he’s our friend.

LCD’s ‘How low will we allow ourselves to sink?’ correspondent will have more on this later, once he’s finished throwing up.

LCD Views’ Political Fools correspondent has been leaked a memo of the inaugural gathering of the Conservative Party think tank charged with winning under 35 year old voters back from that sneaky old pied piper.

“Stop lying to them? Which bally fool wrote that down?” Bradley Benn apparently called out to the only other under thirty five year old in the room, before crossing it right out.

“Right. Young people are daft. We need gimmicks. You know, shiny beads for the natives sort of stuff.”

The suggestions came thick, very thick and fast then.

“Bit of sleight of hand on stamp duty? Lovely. A rail pass we haven’t worked out how to implement yet that will be useless to anyone with a job and normal working hours? That’s going right in.”

A further suggestion, actually build houses to balance out supply and demand, rather than just talking about building houses, was modified to,

“Let’s talk about building some houses.”

It’s believed longer term this won’t be a problem as most under 35’s will have upped sticks and moved across the channel to stay in the twenty first century.

There was silence in the room till one joker said,

“Tell them to try rebirthing and get better parents this time?”

This was changed to, it’s all my own hard work and you can inherit my connections and wealth if you just find a Norman ancestor too.

Some lark is reported to have suggested, not actually do Brexit, but he was laughed out of the room by a high spirited blonde boy dressed as Rupert Murdoch.

”Means test rights to fertility?” Bang on!

Good luck with it Tories!

I’m sure intentionally stripping away all the liberties enjoyed by EU membership will be a total charm.