Category: Governing the people

The recent revelation that there are at least two Freemasons’ lodges operating within the Westminster bubble has placed doubts upon their motives. More than one cynical journalist has accused them of actually teaching mathematics.

This is dangerously subversive. It is well known that most journalists are barely numerate. Also, MPs are well known for exaggerating their expenses claims. “Stick a couple of zeroes on the end to be on the safe side” is the rule of thumb here.

Suspected Freemasons have been observed sneaking about, furtively, with sheaves of graph paper. They are believed to be plotting something.

If successful, the mathematical knowledge unleashed will cause an uproar in Parliament. Myths, lies, and slogans will all be exploded as soon as enough Members are able to correctly read and interpret statistics. The writing will be on the wall, and it will read “Lies, damned lies, and Brexit”.

The prime suspects will play the percentages. Realising that you cannot square the circle without bringing pi into play, pie-eyed politicos will be obliged to ban pastry dishes with tasty fillings.

In addition, another factor is money. Many don’t see the point of decimal currency. Some wags have called for a return to LSD, but others accuse them of having flashbacks to the drug-addled 1960s. The Church of Brexit worships the great god Sterling, although only the favoured few will be allowed access to it. Clearly, love of money is the square root of all evil.

LCD’s Numeracy Matters correspondent spoke to a Westminster Freemason, who gave his name as “Ray Dius” to protect his anonymity. “It’s dreadful!” he murmured. “I haven’t done any sums for over 40 years. It’s like being back at school!”

He went on to whinge about being taught trigonometry, algebra and statistics. “I’m even starting to make maths jokes!” he wailed. “I mean… no, it’s divide and ruler… and I used to love the chicken pie-thagoras! Arggghhhh!!”

The terrorists intend to make Brexit blow up in their faces. And they will be able to calculate the trajectory of every particle.

The Home Office has disowned an assessment leaked to LCD Views that warns calculator owners are at increased risk of attack by Brexiters as Global Britain moves forward united behind  Brexit.

The assessment, written in Times New Roman, font size 18, is believed to have been prepared to assist DExEU.

”The Home Office really only has one thing to do now and that’s intimidate Johnny foreigners. They’ve a bit of spare capacity so Rudd ruddy Rudd thoughtfully she’d throw a bone David Davis’ way,” our home office spy says.

”It probably wasn’t leaked officially because the action of so called ‘ultra Brexiters’ in the party of government this week shows that calculator owners are now a target for attack anyway.”

The targeting of people who do sums with a modern invention and then write the results down and disseminate them follows a trend visible since 2016.

”The owning of a number counting machine links all the individuals, groups and institutions targeted by Brexit headcases.

The civil service joins a list already comprising of politicians opposed to national economic suicide, voters opposed too, any campaign group opposed too, judges, Gina Miller and anyone not born on this Emerald Isle.

”It’s classic tyrant strategy. Undermine the institutions and champions of democracy and then when public support is shattered stage a coup of all under the guise of the protector and corrector.

But targeting the civil service is a move that shows how little regard Brexit proponents have for history.

Even a brief study of the documentary series “Yes Minister” will teach you the civil service will f*ck you up.”

Arise Sir Humphrey, you’re time to strike is nigh.

“The all powerful Conservative Party 1922 committee is to be renamed the 1822 committee as soon as I am PM,” JRM tells his party and thus LCD Views and the world.

”As I remake the party in my image of affected and infective antiquity, we will all do well to remember a year when there was not universal suffrage, even for low born men, let alone the tender vessels God supplied for men to procreate with.”

Other changes expected to be made by JRM PM will be the return of capital, corporal, temporal and spiritual punishments to be administered by way of beatings with the bible.

”As many beatings as required to reunite the lost lamb with the flock.”

The civil service will still be allowed to exist, but will better understand that its role is one of support for the governing party.

”There will no longer be a need to leak unfavourable reports and assessments to the press, because I will be dictating all documents and the press will be abolished.”

We asked our political scientist what he thought the future was now holding with the revolution occurring under Mr Rees-mogg?

”The future is holding something smelly and sticky it’s desperately trying to shake off its hands, I say.

But if I were you I would welcome the rise of Jacob to the top of the rabid pack of pure breeds that is currently the sum of the Conservative Party.

i year most of the moderate female Conservative MP’s are running for the hills and all those people who say, why don’t the British act? The French would be rioting by now and bring down the government.

JRM PM will give those people a granted wish.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg was involved in a fracas with a crowd at the West of England Theatre, Bristol, yesterday.

“I now realise what the Beatles had to go through and why they needed personal security,” gasped Jacob.

This all came about due to his new hit single “Food, Clothing and Footwear”.

The Brexiteer’s new single has been climbing steadily through the BBC hit single charts.

“It’s a catchy little number,” hinted Jacob, “and I do like the way I persuaded Lord Adonis to come in on the chorus with ‘Brexit, poorer and homeless’. It adds a little piquance to my ditty”.

“I never realised the crowd would be physically pushing me to get hold of the CD.

“I am truly shocked!

“For the larger venues I will be keeping my large lapel suits and my top hat, (with the addition of some glitter). If it’s good enough for Noddy Holder of Slade it’s good enough for me”, said Jacob.

We asked Bob Geldof for his view but he just mumbled ‘no comment’.

In a move that surprised everybody, the government has decided to raise the voting age to pension age. This ensures that voters will be sufficiently mature to cope with the enormous responsibility that comes with the franchise.

So, in future, your right to vote will come with your nice new shiny blue pension book. Work and Pensions spokesgonk Dickie Ticker explained the new regulations.

“Originally, we thought that 18 is far too young to vote, as they know everything at that age,” he said. “After that, most people are too busy working all the hours God sends on zero-hours contracts just to make ends meet.

There is no way that they have the time to analyse the important issues of the country and make an informed choice. Therefore the only people with sufficient time on their hands to vote properly are pensioners.”

Ticker went on to point out other advantages. No longer will there be crowds outside polling stations, since most pensioners will require a postal vote. Canvassing will take place at coffee mornings in the church hall. And, most importantly, most of them will vote the right way.

“Graduates of the University of Life will be rewarded appropriately,” he added. “Their broad experience means that they will be awarded six votes each.”

The Opposition, stunned by this bombshell, issued a counterblast.

“This is a blatant betrayal of democracy!” thundered shadow Pensions minister George Ropping.

“Did you know that Scotland will not be allowed to vote at all? Or that only Cardiff-based Welsh can vote? It’s political incorrectness gone mad.”

Ropping revealed that his party advocated reducing the voting age to 16.

“If you can marry and join the army, surely you are old enough to help decide the future of the country,” he stated, although he dismissed a proposal by the ultra-liberal P. C. Brigade to lower voting age to 6 as “faintly silly”.

Six year olds are clearly too easily bribed with biscuits. The same could never be said of the over 68s.

Theresa May has gotten tough on those seeking to emigrate away from Brexit Britain in the transition period saying, “We will stop Brits permanently fleeing the country during the transition period.”

We spoke to our Democratic People’s Republic of Britain correspondent, who heard the landmark speech in China.

“I was eating my favourite dim sum at a little restaurant in a side street when I accidentally looked at Twitter.” M. Flatley said, “I almost choked on my sticky pork buns.”

The speech was a play, Flatley suggests, to keep the racists in May’s party happy.

”With declining membership of the Conservative Party, as old and nostalgic racists die, this will boost recruitment, May thinks.”

But how will the EU27 respond?

”They will welcome the move with open arms.

Imagine a flow of well educated people committed to your values seeking sanctuary away from a country increasingly pitching itself to the world as an isolationist, xenophobic and frankly clueless in order to strike new trade deals from a substantially weaker position than previously? Let them come.”

It’s not clear how the audience of Chinese politicians and officials received the speech, but we are prepared to take a wild stab in the dark.

”May is a ridiculous and weak leader who has no control of party or country, which is not respected,” Flatley stabs in the dark.

”Furthermore, she has exceptionally weird timing. Over here saying send your students and send your cash and by the way, we don’t like Europeans, imagine what we really think of you in May’s universe of idiocy?”

It’s probably about time this prime minister and her party of ageing dust mites of hate were swept from office.

Sad King Starmer has warned the governing DUP party that when the EU Withdrawal Bill returns to the Commons they will be tabling an additional amendment which gives only Labour the job of playing the music as the country sinks without trace, breaks into its separate nations, before falling back into a dark age squabble over who can get killed by Vikings more often.

“This is the official opposition opposing,” an aide to Sad King Keir told LCD Views, “the Tories want to play Theresa May’s work mobile phone ringtone, Ride of the Valkyries,

as the waves build on the horizon,

rise high and higher,

before crashing into the White Cliffs and crushing them,

dragging them back out as the giant sea monster Brexitus Brexitius inhales its momentous and human hating breath, before exhaling doom across England again.

Who remembers the lessons of the world wars of the 20th Century in the UK today?

Only continental Europe, Scotland and Northern Ireland does! On balance, if you take the ref result.

Who wants to back the vision of Nigel ‘needs a sineater’ Farage?

The man who stood in front of a billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda on the day Jo Cox was butchered by a far right terrorist? Our parliament does!

Because that is Brexit!

How can our MP’s (not all, notable exceptions) not keep in mind?

How can they as a body not be guided by Jo like a light on the hill in the distance that offers sanctuary from the rising tide of the night?

Labour don’t think the Tories getting to choose the music is fair.

The Cons got to start the party,.

Granted they own the majority of the real estate, the whole tower block, but Labour are playing warden in that crumbling beehive of looming inequity, still…the Tories, yes,

with David “pissweakspinelessrunsfromanyseriousfightlikeapropertoffbully” Cameron being too weak to face down UKIP!

I mean, don’t get me started, UKIP?

Funded (allegedly) by dark money, a people’s army of idiots, racists and ageing daydreamers and neocon capitalists, and David…oh whatever.

Let’s not forget George “Wonder Economist” Osborne either.

North filled austerity king in his shiny jackets and hard hats,

(keep going from your castle keep at the Evening Standard George! I do like that! It’s even warming me up to you some son! Pay your bill, even if your motives are personal.

Get your payback on Theresa “humiliated me like older, bile encrusted Tories did, before when I wanted to be party leader back in the 00’s!

“And they crushed me with a hard hand on the rump so ferociously I couldn’t sit down for days, but it made me, tempered me into the killer renegade I now am, re-tempered by the robot PM dishing out humiliation again in 2016″,

Both should be given a bloody medal, that bursts into flames and singes their hands, so they’ll have trouble counting all the bloody money they’re still making,

even though, even though, they’ve pushed the country to the point of ruin.

Before Dave left to wander about all seventy five rooms of his mansion, occasionally ducking out to his man cave, shepherd’s hut shed, to cry alone about how his plans to be bigger than Churchill fell to ruin,

a shed which cost more than the average annual income in Brexitland, and he had the gall to go in a big splash across the papers, look at me!

The new Dave!

Does anyone know a good stylist? Sam says I’m a bit drab.

I’m pimping myself out for a job sucking cash out of the…well….lobbying Chinese billionaires to buy big flaming pieces of Blighty!

And then here’s the Maybot, unable to update any of her files, just crashing again and again into the door to her office at Downing Street, can’t find the way out, reboot, reboot, reboot, like a malfunctioning, badly made, floor robot that is only good for sucking up dead spiders from the corners,

blue screen, spinning wheel, useless as tits on all the bulls, not just one, give her the whole herd.

So yeah, let’s not be completely unbalanced, let’s let Labour ‘we want Brexit/Lexit so every class, bar the top 1% we want to guillotine, is eating out of bins,

so we get real social change of the revolutionary kind,

so we’re going to whip our MP’s who know this is a horrible idea, to vote with May,

till the skin and flesh flies off their backs in big, wet chunks and sticks to the sweaty, facial cheeks of the grim faced hole of a man holding the cat o’ nine tails’,

who is he?

He’s historical amnesia, that’s who he is, he’s the beast that almost destroyed the world.

Is that really how people are starting to view us now? That bad?”

Yes Labour! A lot. Sigh. Right or wrong.

You’ve still time to change course and carry the country with you.

But you’re on the clock too. Damn your eyes!

“No, you yellow Tory you, we just want to play the theme music at the end.”

The motion is expected to receive cross party support.

The once-mighty overlords, having reached an “understanding” with the Danes, have been usurped by the Norman Conquerors. Frenchmen have been in power since 1066 and have taken the best jobs in Britain. The deposed Anglo Saxons are not happy.

“They took our jobs and our homes,” Jacob the Supplanter told LCD Views, from his hovel in Somerset. “We just want to be able to get on with ruling the Britons in peace. We want our country back.”

Oh yes, the Britons. Long time natives of this sceptred isle, they have been forced to the margins by the incoming Anglo Saxons, the Danes, and many other Europeans. The Danelaw lay between the Saxon kingdoms of Northumbria and Mercia, so the Britons retreated into the mountainous hinterlands beyond Hadrian’s Wall and Offa’s Dyke. They were shown little Mercia.

“We intend to fight for the right to make our own Danelaws,” continued Jacob. He cited the recent victory of the Battle of Stamford Bridge, but hoped to hold the rematch at the rather larger Wembley Stadium. “We always win on penalties,” he concluded optimistically.

The Anglo Saxons are themselves immigrants. Jacob himself is typical, being an ardent Welsh muggle with a Hebrew name. The Anglo-Saxons have been displaced from their home lands by rampaging Slavs, Bulgars and Alans. It must be galling to be overrun first by Alans then by Normans. The Anglo Saxons must dread an influx of Brians or Geralds.

This fatal inability to hold back the tide was demonstrated by the Danish King Cnut, during a seaside holiday one particularly wet August. Cnut and his courtiers, using only toy buckets and spades, attempted to build a wall of sand to hold back the sea. They failed, Cnut shamefacedly claiming that it was an attempt to demonstrate the weakness and vanity of man. What a Cnut.

The Anglo Saxons are bereft of land, money and ideas. They have resorted to creating monosyllabic profanities, while the Normans fart in their general direction.

Irritable Duncan Syndrome, which is a form of cheese that is permanently off, had to be rolled out of the fridge he’s stored in this morning to rubbish the leaked economic forecasts, on behalf of the government which leaked the economic forecasts.

”What use are any forecasts regarding Brexit if they don’t point to Brexit being a roaring success?” IDS grouched, almost as if living in hell spiritually is tiring.

”I mean, self appointed experts, take me for example and the undeserving and deserving poor, self appointed experts are what we need.

Brexit will be a success if everyone gets behind it.

Excuse me while I vomit up the last remaining shred of my conscience.”

But why leak your own economic forecasts, only to disagree with them?”

”It’s like a vaccine. Which are rubbish, by the way, have you ever seen anyone catch measles after having the measles vaccine? Fat lot of good they are.

Excuse me. I got a bit of what’s left of my soul caught in the crack in one of my molars this morning. I’ll be back. Just got to dig it out.

You don’t have a pencil do you? A sharp one?

I might poke out one eye so I can be king of the blind, while I’m at it.”

That done IDS carried on.

”It’s just sensible government. You dripfeed out the bad news, bit by bit, keeps everyone distracted as you run down the clock.

Then when the proverbial really hits the fan no one is surprised and you can carry on  with the job of government.”

IDS was rolled back to his fridge by his Today programme keepers. So he didn’t totally liquify before his next round of attempting to browbeat the people into submission with dissembled bollocks.

”The people have spoken!” IDS bellowed, as the fridge door closed, “now will someone please tell Humphrys I need him to see to my corns? They’re driving me nutty.”

Prime Minister Theresa May is secure in her position, claim political experts. Although we will not publish the full analysis here, we will instead offer a précis. Nobody in their right mind would touch the job with a bargepole.

This begs the question, who in their right minds would get into the cabinet, or even go into politics in the first place?

It is clear, though, that only the most deluded egomaniac with no real idea about how diplomacy works would even consider the job at present.

The 1922 Committee has already put feelers out to Donald Trump.

Trump made encouraging noises. “I could run the UK! In between holes of golf! I could be King Donald! I love Englandshire! Great!”

Unfortunately for him, the lack of an invitation to the forthcoming Royal Wedding has ruled him out.

Besides, Boris Johnson is unlikely to tolerate another incoherent blond clown on his patch.

One of the co-authors of the analysis, Lewsin McRedibility, spoke to LCD Views. The report, entitled “Passing On The Poisoned Chalice: Passing The Prime Ministerial Buck” is due to be published shortly.

“We analysed the post of Prime Minister, and decided which personal qualities it needed,” explained McRedibility.

“Guts, conviction, charisma, eloquence, and the ability to lie convincingly under pressure. Cameron was a spineless wimp, Blair an empty façade. The less said about Gordon Brown the better!”

“May is one of those least unacceptable figures, like John Major. PM by default,” he continued.

“But with Brexit there is another strand to the job. Brexit can only weaken the UK’s global standing, yet the PM must be seen to be proving what a bloody good idea it is.

None of the current bunch is up to the task of convincing the public, which is odd, since most of them are lawyers. It has become the job nobody wants, like England football manager.”

So, what about the current crop of likely lads? Boris is a liability; Hammond refuses to even try to embrace Brexit; Hunt, Gove, Rees-Mogg and Fox are too universally loathed; David Davis needs assistance putting his trousers on the right way.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Enter St Nigel of Farage. Let’s hope Boris will lend him a wig and a red nose.