The recent revelation that there are at least two Freemasons’ lodges operating within the Westminster bubble has placed doubts upon their motives. More than one cynical journalist has accused them of actually teaching mathematics.
This is dangerously subversive. It is well known that most journalists are barely numerate. Also, MPs are well known for exaggerating their expenses claims. “Stick a couple of zeroes on the end to be on the safe side” is the rule of thumb here.
Suspected Freemasons have been observed sneaking about, furtively, with sheaves of graph paper. They are believed to be plotting something.
If successful, the mathematical knowledge unleashed will cause an uproar in Parliament. Myths, lies, and slogans will all be exploded as soon as enough Members are able to correctly read and interpret statistics. The writing will be on the wall, and it will read “Lies, damned lies, and Brexit”.
The prime suspects will play the percentages. Realising that you cannot square the circle without bringing pi into play, pie-eyed politicos will be obliged to ban pastry dishes with tasty fillings.
In addition, another factor is money. Many don’t see the point of decimal currency. Some wags have called for a return to LSD, but others accuse them of having flashbacks to the drug-addled 1960s. The Church of Brexit worships the great god Sterling, although only the favoured few will be allowed access to it. Clearly, love of money is the square root of all evil.
LCD’s Numeracy Matters correspondent spoke to a Westminster Freemason, who gave his name as “Ray Dius” to protect his anonymity. “It’s dreadful!” he murmured. “I haven’t done any sums for over 40 years. It’s like being back at school!”
He went on to whinge about being taught trigonometry, algebra and statistics. “I’m even starting to make maths jokes!” he wailed. “I mean… no, it’s divide and ruler… and I used to love the chicken pie-thagoras! Arggghhhh!!”
The terrorists intend to make Brexit blow up in their faces. And they will be able to calculate the trajectory of every particle.