British Army chiefs are said to be uncertain how to respond to an order direct from 10 Downing Street that they are to synchronise privates on parade with Trump’s totally non-phallic military calvacade later in the year.
LCD Views normally requests Defence Secretary Gavin “tarantula” Willyson write for us directly on any defence related matters, so why change a good habit now?
Over to you keeper of the dark arts.
“People are asking me how I feel about that trembling bird brain in my office of destiny at Downing Street going behind my back and ordering my British Army to organise a parade,” Mr Willyson writes, “am I mad?”
And are you mad?
“I’m furious!
When I promoted myself to run the military of the United Kingdom I did so because it seemed the natural progression for chief whip of the Conservatives.
What’s better than a book full of other people’s secrets when it’s time to apply a mental chinese burn, than having the whole saucy military in the palm of your hand when some pinko, commie, leftie, commie, pinkos get up to no good, once the post Brexit food rationing starts?
I’ve the whole lot of you right where I want you. It makes me aroused.
Not in a sexual way. In the purely academic sense of having all those guns and missiles and submarines under my command. Throbbing in the palms of my hands.
Cheers me up the thought on down days.
Days like the day following the day after you have a big spray about the Russians in the press.
But you forgot about all that illicit stuff in the early 00’s. And the devious rooskies already have a fat file on everything naughty you’ve ever done.
Which is shock, even if you’re defence minister of a nuclear power.
Who thought that being defence minister of a nuclear power would be harder than screaming behind closed doors at gutless Tory MP’s who are terrified someone will find out what they did on their gap year?
Oh, this is probably all too much for the average voter to understand. This is why you’re the ruled and not the ruler. Metric or imperial! ha!
Now, no military parade in the United Kingdom is going to be phallic, as we will have downsized the whole show to a couple of cardboard cutouts by the summer, and neither will Donald’s, not with hands his size.
We can line up a flat screen television in Leicester Square, show the US on parade on it and have our privates out and parading at the same time. No way on earth will that flop. What ho!”