Category: Governing the people

Theresa May’s frankly unbelievable government has come up with a neat solution to the problem of poverty. It is simply a matter of redefining being poor as a criminal activity.

LCD Views’ Mediaeval Values correspondent brought the inside story on this momentous piece of legislation, which is believed to have come directly from the Downing Street bunker.

“The method is simple and effective, like all this government’s policies,” claimed Number Ten spokesman Tommie Wrott. “Any person allegedly resident in the UK with a low income, by which I of course mean £50,000 or under, is now considered a drain on the country’s scant resources. All their economic activity will henceforth be deemed illegal. Their wages of sin will be directed into the bank accounts of wealth creators and Conservative Party supporters. As punishment, these lowlifes will be forced to live and work in concentration camps – I mean, factories – until their debt to society has been paid off in full. With interest.”

That sounds like a return to the workhouse, an unnecessarily punitive measure.

“No, not at all,” countered Wrott. “It is simply to discourage anyone who is considering becoming poor. The message must be loud and clear that poverty is unacceptable in modern Britain.”

Wrott explained that this drive is part of the crusade to achieve a low-tax, small state economy. “After all, it says in the Bible, ‘He who has much will be given more, and will have an abundance. But the one who has not, even what little he has will be taken away.’ A nice touch coming from a vicar’s daughter.”

This is a clarion call to the idle, workshy poor to get on their bike and walk into a valuable, responsible job managing a workhouse, rewarded with a fat salary and company BMW. Jobs like that are two a penny, so there’s no excuse.

Also, like being an MP, any old fool could do it, which goes a long way to explaining British management techniques and its superbly functioning democracy.

Monocle wearing Tory back bencher Jacob Rees-Mogg Thursday blasted Our Father in Heaven, the Omnipotent, All Knowing, All Powerful, Lord God Almighty as “Just a second tier Middle Eastern deity who has signally failed to inspire belief in a majority of people on earth“.

“I don’t think he’s greatly respected,” he added pointing out that none of the miracles reported in the bible have been independently corroborated, and none of the predictions made have ever been demonstrated to have actually happened.

“Except possibly the second coming, for which I am of course far too modest to lay claim,” he smirked, adjusting his genuine felted beaver fur top hat.

“After all I’m the multi billionaire owner of a hedge fund and have had four books published, to the single tome credited to the ‘so called almighty‘,” he sneered.

Commenting on the ongoing Brexit debacle, Rees-Mogg rubbished the suggestion that the deal negotiated by Theresa May was capable of meeting the expectations of the British people who voted in favour of leaving the European Union.

“Only the full no-deal Brexit is capable of rending the veil of the temple in twain, heralding the return of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – suitably attired in hunting pink – unleashing the seven deadly plagues and emerging victorious from the final battle of Armageddon,” he explained, declining to comment on whether he was in any way related to the Biblical harbingers of apocalypse, characters Mogg and Magog.

However Rees-Mogg was quick to deny that he is either “the beast with seven heads, ten horns and ten crowns” or the beast with “horns like a lamb” and “marked with the number 666“.

“I think you’re confusing me with Michael Gove and Boris Johnson,” he purred fingering a bag of seven golden trumpets.

 

The elephant in question has finally had enough of being tactfully ignored. It has grown to such a size that even Theresa May is having difficulty keeping it out of sight. The moment she looks it squarely in the eye is the moment her faltering leadership finally ends.

“My deal, no deal, or no Brexit!” squealed the Prime Minister, cornered and desperate. She has since denied acknowledging the elephant in a transparent attempt to replace the blinkers.

“We would be better off in the EU than if we left,” said Philip Hammond, carelessly letting the cat out of the bag. “Of course, what I really mean is that Brexit must happen but you won’t really notice its effect that much. Honest! Trust me, I’ve used so much creative accounting on the Impact Statements that you really wouldn’t think that Brexit is that bad.”

The elephant has been encouraged by the Brexit zoo. With Theresa May’s dead dog of a deal, the pigeon chess Brexiters, and the tiger economies licking their lips over the imminent chaos, the UK has clearly been sold a pup. The elephant proposes to trumpet its virtues, take the trunk route to the ivory tower, and clear all the bullshit out of Westminster. The cat is firmly among the pigeons.

As the elephant forces itself doggedly into plain sight, expect rats to leave the sinking ship. The likes of Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nigel Farage and their nest-feathering chums will attempt to flea, only to be caught at the borders because they insisted that free movement must cease.

The effervescent elephant has denied any relationship with notorious Europhile elephants such as Babar, Nellie or Donald Tusk.

The elephant has promised a manifesto of cancelling Article 50 forthwith, prosecuting those responsible for criminal behaviour under the Brexit umbrella, and redistributing wealth more equitably.

The country is about to undergo a mammoth change.

Russian President for life (yours, probably), Vladimir Putin Tuesday hailed Theresa May’s Brexit agreement as “ideal for Russia”, and “the perfect culmination of years of work by heroic Russian backed trolls and sock puppets”.

The deal was approved on Sunday by all 27 EU heads of state but Putin pointed out that despite this unanimous approval nothing has actually been finalised other than the UK’s departure from the EU.

“The UK will leave the EU, but without any form of detailed agreement on terms,” he laughed pointing out that both sides are now guaranteed to be locked into decades of increasingly acrimonious disputes without any hope of a permanent resolution.

“Just like when we invaded east Ukraine by proxy in 2014, and South Ossetia in Georgia in 2008, we created conflicts which can never be resolved,” he grinned pointing out that earlier Russian interventions in the breakaway Georgian province of Abkhazia and the Moldovan region of Transnistria are also still festering nicely nearly three decades on.

“Never mind our clandestine take-over of the city of London and the UK’s entire banking system which also can never be resolved without collapsing the global financial infrastructure,” he smirked.

And with UK and EU, locked in a bitter and never ending struggle Mother Russia will be free to reclaim what is rightly hers – everything, explained a smirking Putin, politely declining to confirm where in Europe Russia plans destabilise and rend asunder next.

“Lithuania, Hungary, Scotland…. Brighton and Hove Albion….Europe is ours for the splitting – they’ll be far too busy arguing with our social media trolls about fishing quotas and the chemical definition of jam to even notice,” he sniggered.

“And if you don’t like it, well there are plenty more of your English cathedrals our “highly culturally educated” tourists would just love to visit,” he winked slyly.

There have been a number of campaigns for equality in recent times but this latest promises to be the most divisive yet. As of December 2018 a new change in the law will require all vegetarian and vegan restaurants, cafes and other such establishments to include at least one item on their menus containing meat.

The Prime Minister herself made the announcement at a press conference that was itself announced as “nothing to do with Brexit, although of course, once we make a success of Brexit there will only be long pig on the menu anyway”. The absence of this topic from the discussion brought an expression to her face that on a human being might have been described as bordering on a smile.

“How many people have wanted to dine out,” she said, “only to be put off a restaurant by the absence of a meat option? As of next week that will no longer be an issue. We are fixing this loophole, as we did with the issue of civil partnerships for heterosexual couples.”

The move has caused a wide range of reactions from the public. One supporter, Connie Vorr, 29, welcomed it with open arms.

“It’s about time,” she said. “It’s like when you go out for a curry but there’s always one person in the group who can’t have anything spicy, they include a few English options just to cater for that, now this is just the same. Equality in action!”

Dissenters were equally vocal however. Vegan restaurant owner Reggie Farian, 56, said:

“It’s disgraceful! Vegetarian restaurants will be forever tainted with animal products now, which completely defeats the point of their existence! If we want to cook meat we’ll have to get in extra ovens specifically for it so as not to taint the rest of the kitchen! We’ll probably have to build an outer kitchen just for meat. It’s anarchy I tell you, sheer anarchy! We are starting a petition to get this law reversed right away!”

But defenders of the change were quick to point out:

“Now you meat eaters will know what it’s like. It’s already required by law that every single non-vegetarian restaurant must have one vegetarian dish on the menu and it can only ever be penne pasta. See how you feel always having to order a steak now when you’re in a vegetarian restaurant!”

The law comes into effect on December 1st, in time for those Christmas dinner bookings. Oh well, whichever restaurant you choose, bon apetit.

Trust is the most vital force in politics. So when our beloved leader grovels for your trust in a snivelling excuse for a begging letter, do not think about it. Trust and be damned.

Brexit is clearly costing the UK huge sums of money. £1,000 per person to be precise. Theresa May’s ghastly deal is a bad deal not only because it costs a great deal, but the gains are so few and pitiful. In the end we gain little but the end of free movement, and so look forward to years of constipation. And we also gain a 50p coin.

May now has a permanent expression on her face like the woman who lost a pound and found a penny. Which is an apt metaphor for what she has actually done to the economy.

So let us look forward to shortages! Blockages at our ports! Inflation as prices rise to compensate! Rejoice as the Brexit 50p coin is now worth 20 pre-Brexit p!

Funny how Brexit frees trade but unfrees people. Trust the PM, she knows how to free up Britain’s service economy by stopping the people it depends upon from moving around.

Celebrate, residents of Northern Ireland. Trust the PM to place your country in a kind of neither-in-nor-out limbo. She knows that a return of the Troubles and creating a smuggler’s paradise is the best for Britain.

Residents of Gibraltar, open the sangria to commemorate the day you were sacrificed for the sake of the PM’s job. You will not be forgotten unless it is politically convenient to do so.

Little Englanders, be glad that the PM has given you the opportunity to create new dishes from vermin. Put the rat into steak and kidney pie, and the toad into toad in the hole.

Alternatively we could tell her to stop this madness and give us our country back.

The Conservative MP For Maidenhead has confirmed, only to LCD Views, that she will vote against U.K. PM Theresa May’s Brexit Withdrawal Agreement when it comes before the HoC on December 11th.

”I’ll be getting some staffer to tell everyone on Twitter and Facepamphlet later,” she told us, “as you tend to block bots, I’m not sure all the electorate will have heard.”

But why the decision to vote against the prime minister’s WA with the EU, when May is telling everyone in the U.K. it’s in the national interest?

”It’s plainly not,” she scoffed, “which is why the PM is getting such a beasting in the Commons over it. A real Frankenbrexitstein deal that has united both Leavers and Remainers in opposition. For which the PM should get some credit, as most thought that an impossible feat!”

But what is it about the WA you object to? Is it the effort to do the minimum possible to prevent a return to violence in NI?

”No, clearly not that.”

Is it the transition period that allows the U.K. time to not starve immediately, as we fumble about digging up the commons and green belts to grow food?

”No. Let them eat cake.”

Well, what exactly, the people deserve to know.

”It’s nowhere near racist enough for my liking. All foreign nationals should be forcibly expelled on Brexit day. Only then will I have delivered on the Brexit the British people voted for. Which given the fruity things Corbs says about leaving the Single Market, thus ensuring a Labour Brexit ends FOM (except for millionaires) too, is clearly a move supported by her majesty’s most loyal opposition.”

So you’re saying it’s not racist enough, but?

”But nothing. Kick out the foreigners. Then maybe I can sleep at night knowing no one is coming to steal our horses.”

Theresa May, thank you for time.

“Just out of interest, where were your parents born?”

The shocking news has come in the wake of revelations that Bridgen is considered “thick as mash” by his colleagues. Now his constituency wants to be represented instead by the popular jacket potato outlet.

Mr Potato Head has had his chips. Bridgen is now sulking because a vote didn’t go his way, and he is threatening to vote against his own government, and his own Brexit, in revenge. To the good citizens of North-West Brexitshire, this is a Bridgen too far. He who pays the Maris Piper calls the tune.

So in future, the shop famous for selling baked potatoes will replace the shit famous for selling half-baked policies.

LCD Views was fortunate enough to speak to the manager of Spud-U-Like’s Ashby-de-la-Zouch branch, Stu Piddity. “It’s a great honour for the branch,” he remarked. “Of course, the shop will not be able to attend at Westminster, but we are thinking of opening a satellite franchise in the Members’ Lobby to provide tasty, nutritious snacks for our hard-pressed MPs.”

How will that work in practice, then, if the admittedly animate Bridgen has been replaced with an inanimate building? “Simple,” replied Piddity. “The shop will receive a live stream via some technological gizmo, YouTuber, or some such. Then the shop will vote by sending one spud for yes, two spuds for no.”

One potato, two potato? “Yeah, that’s right,” said Piddity. “No use being thin-skinned about it. Incidentally, did you know that the skin is the best part of a baked potato? Full of moral fibre.”

Piddity also revealed that he has been asked to provide a plate of mashed potato to feature on this week’s Have I Got News For You. Keep your eyes peeled for that.

So there you have it. We have reached peak Little England. At least a jacket potato is full of tasty goodness, as opposed to the empty shell that is Andrew Bridgen.

The cost of the best Brexit possible for the U.K. rose steeply again today with the announcement from Downing Street that all voters are to be issued with blindfolds.

“It’s our latest wheeze,” Ms Automoton, spokesdroid for Theresa May, told LCD Views only, “once everyone is blindfolded MPs will be able to look them in the eyes and tell them Brexit is worth it.”

The latest strategy to shore up Brexit, which is crumbling faster than a red, white and blue British shoreline, is also a boon for the exporting sector.

”This will definitely help our trade relations with China,” Ms Automoton said, “imagine being the state controlled factory that received the order for tens of millions of red, white and blue blindfolds? Amazing. It would help you reach a state dictated manufacturing output quota that even Jeremy and John would approve of!”

The blindfolds themselves will be issued as soon as the container ship arrives in Dartmouth.

”Of course G4S has won the contract to forcibly fit the blindfolds with a staple gun to the head of any treasonous remoaners who refuse to be blinded. That’s another win for private security firms living off the public purse! And a helpful nudge for the public as to how policy will be implemented after Brexit. Just imagine the increase in cost saving and productivity.”

We did ask Labour for comment on the blinding of Britain and were pleased by their quick reply.

”We think the blindfolds should be red comrade,” a talking potato told us from the cold soil of Magic Grandpa’s allotment, “but otherwise we’ve no problem with the idea in principle.”

Given Labour is still pumping out ‘jobs first Brexit’ nonsense it’s clear they blinded themselves to the reality of Brexit long before.

”Yes, sometime in the mid 1970’s, for sure.”

When your blindfold arrives be sure to book a surgery with your MP and then tie it on your noggin’.

What you can’t see, or refuse to see, can’t hurt you. Much. Well, maybe just a little. Actually. It could take your arm off.

Go blind for Brexit and help make a success of it.

The entire modern, compassionate Conservative Party is to be replaced by a hunk of salty gammon, one pot of mashed potato for brains and a gaggle of turnips before the next general election.

The decision has been taken to better reflect the qualities required by a party of government which is in reality just a policy implementation lever for the nest of dark money funded, hard right think tanks currently nesting at 55 Tufton Street.

”As part of the update the Conservative Party HQ will also move to 55 Tufton Street,” Mr Forkineye, spokesman for the Cons revealed, “the basement already currently acts as a hive of alien facehugger eggs. In here we push teenage Tories to ensure they are carriers of the party ideology. So it’s really just completing a move that’s been ongoing slowly for a long time.”

The move will also secure a more direct line of funding for the modern, caring Conservatives after traditional lines started drying up.

”Boris saying f*ck business, in fact our entire policy approach of f*ck every conceivable thing that is good on earth means we need to rely more heavily on the international clique of modern fascists to fund our psyops campaigns and trick people into thinking they live in a democracy still. By moving in with the think tanks we front for we can now just lean over and say, pass me the petty cash tin please Steve ‘white bedsheet’ B.”

When asked if they expected any pushback from Tory rebels over the move and the blatant nature of who is calling the shots, the spokesman just laughed. We took that to mean there will be the usual pantomime of resistence before capitulation.

Enquiries over whether or not Labour planned a similar move, say to an office in the Kremlin? We’re met with a smirk and an offer to work on a collectivised ‘jobs first’ allotment after Brexit.