Category: Governing the people

The use of common sense is officially permitted now, thanks to an EU ruling last night by a top law officer.

In one of those statements that shouldn’t be necessary yet somehow always is, top court advisor Paya Tenschen addressed the assembled media:

“It has been officially confirmed tonight that any country is permitted to use common sense when making crucial decisions. It does not constitute cheating or fraud of any kind, and is perfectly acceptable.”

The argument of whether common sense could be used in political decision-making has been going on for many years, but especially since 2016., with many politicians, notably Michael Gove, arguing passionately against it.
Indeed most tory politicians have been put off its use by the presence of the word ‘common’ in the description.

The name is actually a misnomer as it has been proven that few people in reality possess it, and many lexicographers have argued that it should be renamed. The only trouble is, the alternatives have their own problems.

The suggestion of Privileged Sense has been vetoed strongly despite being championed by politicians like Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The name Minority Sense has been discarded because of potential issues with the far-right’s racist attitudes, as personified by the likes of Tommy Robinson.

The idea of calling it Miracle Sense has been abandoned due to potential religious connotations.

The option of renaming it Uncommon Sense is still on the table but could still lead to slips of the tongue.

Whatever its name will be, the fate of common sense is looking brighter all the time. Its future is bright, but definitely not orange.

The Metropolitan Police have announced plans to combat manpower reductions by deploying a new force of “Holographic Police”.

Speaking to reporters via Skype Metropolitan Police commissioner Cressida Dick explained that given the rapidly increasing rates of online crime it is only right that the Police should be allowed to “fight fire with fire”.

“Given that the government has lost touch with reality, and slashed our funding there is virtually nothing we can do about rising crime rates, so we felt it was only right that we start deploying “virtual” police officers,” she said pointing out that the great advantage with holograms is that they can be kitted out with the most terrifying of hardware without the fear of them actually killing or maiming anyone.

“So machine guns, gas grenades, anti tank weapons…but no more messy, wrongful killing trials or costly compensation payments – peachy,” she smiled.

Commenting on the radical move Home Secretary Sajid Javid confirmed that the government plans to begin rolling out the new virtual police force across the whole country just as soon as the funds are available.

“Obviously London and the home counties come first, because no one north of Watford is expected to vote Tory after the post Brexit economic collapse,” he explained.

“But we will be supplying provincial forces with slide projectors and some very realistic cardboard cut outs, to tide them over until new funding is available” he said explaining that a new round of unfulfilable spending promises painted on the sides of buses is expected any day now.

Your wise and wonderful government has hit on the perfect wheeze to solve the problem of the Irish Border.

”We’re going to deny there even is a Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland or even The Irish Sea,” Theresa Villiers, former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland told LCD Views, “this also removes a job title from my CV that frankly I’ve been baffled by since it appeared there.”

The decision to deny the existence of Northern Ireland not only puts to rest the border problem, it alleviates the need to scramble about inventing unlikely technological solutions to a problem created solely by the government.

”It’ll get Arlene Foster off Theresa May’s case too,” Mrs Villiers added, “now Ms May can get on just taking her orders from Rupert Murdoch, just like old times.”

But what about the people who say ignoring the existence of massive problems created intentionally by government policy won’t actually solve them?

”It certainly solves them for us!” The forever Secretary of State for Somewhere that doesn’t exist snapped back.

Presumably you could apply the same solution to other non-problems, like homelessness, in work poverty, climate change, underfunding of schools leading to increased taxation by way of schools having to levy fees directly onto hard pressed parents.

”All sorted,” Mrs Villiers clicked her fingers, “just like that. Most problems are really only problems if you think about them.”

And you don’t do that?

”No one in government does. It’s better that way for everyone. But before we go I have to correct you on one point.”

Which is?

”The people created the problems, not the government. They elected us in the first place.”

Downing Street has used the occasion of its Saint Andrew’s Day message to Scotland to advise Scotland to lie back and think of mighty mother England during the forthcoming Brexit.

”The people of our province of Hibernia,” Ms May began her address, straight to camera, “your upstart minister Nicola is making a poor job of preparing you for what is coming out of England. Like with good Caledonians across the Irish Sea, you’re about to get screwed by England once more.”

Ms May paused for one of her bloodless attempts at smiling like a human, before continuing,

”The best advice is to lie back, enjoy yourself, and think of England while England does what England has done to you for a millennia.”

Ms May then went on to list other regions she intended to screw heartily.

”I advise the good British of Gilbraltar to also lie back and think of England. Excepting of course those of you who have fallen from the true path and have a Spanish parent or grandparent. You must prepare to be deported once we have finished breaking down that monkey infested rock you call home, in order to construct a proper wall no Manuel, Pedro or Maria can get over. We are taking back control of as much of the Iberian peninsula as Boris Johnson believes feasible. Michael Howard has been made Field Marshall. Prepare yourself to do what patriots do.”

She then addressed herself to The Falklands, well, it was presumed to be, but as the address was preceded by an earlier review of what is left of the navy after eight years of Tory defence cuts, she mostly just laughed. Before adding,

”I am sure the ghost of Maggie will watch over you.”

Asked to respond to the message, a spokesman for Labour said they felt,

”the inclusion of so much not to do with the Caledonians was insulting. And with a Labour re-negotiated Brexit Scotland would only be on the receiving end of “a” shafting from Westminster.”

Which we can all agree is better, can’t we.

Theresa May’s frankly unbelievable government has come up with a neat solution to the problem of poverty. It is simply a matter of redefining being poor as a criminal activity.

LCD Views’ Mediaeval Values correspondent brought the inside story on this momentous piece of legislation, which is believed to have come directly from the Downing Street bunker.

“The method is simple and effective, like all this government’s policies,” claimed Number Ten spokesman Tommie Wrott. “Any person allegedly resident in the UK with a low income, by which I of course mean £50,000 or under, is now considered a drain on the country’s scant resources. All their economic activity will henceforth be deemed illegal. Their wages of sin will be directed into the bank accounts of wealth creators and Conservative Party supporters. As punishment, these lowlifes will be forced to live and work in concentration camps – I mean, factories – until their debt to society has been paid off in full. With interest.”

That sounds like a return to the workhouse, an unnecessarily punitive measure.

“No, not at all,” countered Wrott. “It is simply to discourage anyone who is considering becoming poor. The message must be loud and clear that poverty is unacceptable in modern Britain.”

Wrott explained that this drive is part of the crusade to achieve a low-tax, small state economy. “After all, it says in the Bible, ‘He who has much will be given more, and will have an abundance. But the one who has not, even what little he has will be taken away.’ A nice touch coming from a vicar’s daughter.”

This is a clarion call to the idle, workshy poor to get on their bike and walk into a valuable, responsible job managing a workhouse, rewarded with a fat salary and company BMW. Jobs like that are two a penny, so there’s no excuse.

Also, like being an MP, any old fool could do it, which goes a long way to explaining British management techniques and its superbly functioning democracy.

Monocle wearing Tory back bencher Jacob Rees-Mogg Thursday blasted Our Father in Heaven, the Omnipotent, All Knowing, All Powerful, Lord God Almighty as “Just a second tier Middle Eastern deity who has signally failed to inspire belief in a majority of people on earth“.

“I don’t think he’s greatly respected,” he added pointing out that none of the miracles reported in the bible have been independently corroborated, and none of the predictions made have ever been demonstrated to have actually happened.

“Except possibly the second coming, for which I am of course far too modest to lay claim,” he smirked, adjusting his genuine felted beaver fur top hat.

“After all I’m the multi billionaire owner of a hedge fund and have had four books published, to the single tome credited to the ‘so called almighty‘,” he sneered.

Commenting on the ongoing Brexit debacle, Rees-Mogg rubbished the suggestion that the deal negotiated by Theresa May was capable of meeting the expectations of the British people who voted in favour of leaving the European Union.

“Only the full no-deal Brexit is capable of rending the veil of the temple in twain, heralding the return of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – suitably attired in hunting pink – unleashing the seven deadly plagues and emerging victorious from the final battle of Armageddon,” he explained, declining to comment on whether he was in any way related to the Biblical harbingers of apocalypse, characters Mogg and Magog.

However Rees-Mogg was quick to deny that he is either “the beast with seven heads, ten horns and ten crowns” or the beast with “horns like a lamb” and “marked with the number 666“.

“I think you’re confusing me with Michael Gove and Boris Johnson,” he purred fingering a bag of seven golden trumpets.

 

The elephant in question has finally had enough of being tactfully ignored. It has grown to such a size that even Theresa May is having difficulty keeping it out of sight. The moment she looks it squarely in the eye is the moment her faltering leadership finally ends.

“My deal, no deal, or no Brexit!” squealed the Prime Minister, cornered and desperate. She has since denied acknowledging the elephant in a transparent attempt to replace the blinkers.

“We would be better off in the EU than if we left,” said Philip Hammond, carelessly letting the cat out of the bag. “Of course, what I really mean is that Brexit must happen but you won’t really notice its effect that much. Honest! Trust me, I’ve used so much creative accounting on the Impact Statements that you really wouldn’t think that Brexit is that bad.”

The elephant has been encouraged by the Brexit zoo. With Theresa May’s dead dog of a deal, the pigeon chess Brexiters, and the tiger economies licking their lips over the imminent chaos, the UK has clearly been sold a pup. The elephant proposes to trumpet its virtues, take the trunk route to the ivory tower, and clear all the bullshit out of Westminster. The cat is firmly among the pigeons.

As the elephant forces itself doggedly into plain sight, expect rats to leave the sinking ship. The likes of Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nigel Farage and their nest-feathering chums will attempt to flea, only to be caught at the borders because they insisted that free movement must cease.

The effervescent elephant has denied any relationship with notorious Europhile elephants such as Babar, Nellie or Donald Tusk.

The elephant has promised a manifesto of cancelling Article 50 forthwith, prosecuting those responsible for criminal behaviour under the Brexit umbrella, and redistributing wealth more equitably.

The country is about to undergo a mammoth change.

Russian President for life (yours, probably), Vladimir Putin Tuesday hailed Theresa May’s Brexit agreement as “ideal for Russia”, and “the perfect culmination of years of work by heroic Russian backed trolls and sock puppets”.

The deal was approved on Sunday by all 27 EU heads of state but Putin pointed out that despite this unanimous approval nothing has actually been finalised other than the UK’s departure from the EU.

“The UK will leave the EU, but without any form of detailed agreement on terms,” he laughed pointing out that both sides are now guaranteed to be locked into decades of increasingly acrimonious disputes without any hope of a permanent resolution.

“Just like when we invaded east Ukraine by proxy in 2014, and South Ossetia in Georgia in 2008, we created conflicts which can never be resolved,” he grinned pointing out that earlier Russian interventions in the breakaway Georgian province of Abkhazia and the Moldovan region of Transnistria are also still festering nicely nearly three decades on.

“Never mind our clandestine take-over of the city of London and the UK’s entire banking system which also can never be resolved without collapsing the global financial infrastructure,” he smirked.

And with UK and EU, locked in a bitter and never ending struggle Mother Russia will be free to reclaim what is rightly hers – everything, explained a smirking Putin, politely declining to confirm where in Europe Russia plans destabilise and rend asunder next.

“Lithuania, Hungary, Scotland…. Brighton and Hove Albion….Europe is ours for the splitting – they’ll be far too busy arguing with our social media trolls about fishing quotas and the chemical definition of jam to even notice,” he sniggered.

“And if you don’t like it, well there are plenty more of your English cathedrals our “highly culturally educated” tourists would just love to visit,” he winked slyly.

There have been a number of campaigns for equality in recent times but this latest promises to be the most divisive yet. As of December 2018 a new change in the law will require all vegetarian and vegan restaurants, cafes and other such establishments to include at least one item on their menus containing meat.

The Prime Minister herself made the announcement at a press conference that was itself announced as “nothing to do with Brexit, although of course, once we make a success of Brexit there will only be long pig on the menu anyway”. The absence of this topic from the discussion brought an expression to her face that on a human being might have been described as bordering on a smile.

“How many people have wanted to dine out,” she said, “only to be put off a restaurant by the absence of a meat option? As of next week that will no longer be an issue. We are fixing this loophole, as we did with the issue of civil partnerships for heterosexual couples.”

The move has caused a wide range of reactions from the public. One supporter, Connie Vorr, 29, welcomed it with open arms.

“It’s about time,” she said. “It’s like when you go out for a curry but there’s always one person in the group who can’t have anything spicy, they include a few English options just to cater for that, now this is just the same. Equality in action!”

Dissenters were equally vocal however. Vegan restaurant owner Reggie Farian, 56, said:

“It’s disgraceful! Vegetarian restaurants will be forever tainted with animal products now, which completely defeats the point of their existence! If we want to cook meat we’ll have to get in extra ovens specifically for it so as not to taint the rest of the kitchen! We’ll probably have to build an outer kitchen just for meat. It’s anarchy I tell you, sheer anarchy! We are starting a petition to get this law reversed right away!”

But defenders of the change were quick to point out:

“Now you meat eaters will know what it’s like. It’s already required by law that every single non-vegetarian restaurant must have one vegetarian dish on the menu and it can only ever be penne pasta. See how you feel always having to order a steak now when you’re in a vegetarian restaurant!”

The law comes into effect on December 1st, in time for those Christmas dinner bookings. Oh well, whichever restaurant you choose, bon apetit.

Trust is the most vital force in politics. So when our beloved leader grovels for your trust in a snivelling excuse for a begging letter, do not think about it. Trust and be damned.

Brexit is clearly costing the UK huge sums of money. £1,000 per person to be precise. Theresa May’s ghastly deal is a bad deal not only because it costs a great deal, but the gains are so few and pitiful. In the end we gain little but the end of free movement, and so look forward to years of constipation. And we also gain a 50p coin.

May now has a permanent expression on her face like the woman who lost a pound and found a penny. Which is an apt metaphor for what she has actually done to the economy.

So let us look forward to shortages! Blockages at our ports! Inflation as prices rise to compensate! Rejoice as the Brexit 50p coin is now worth 20 pre-Brexit p!

Funny how Brexit frees trade but unfrees people. Trust the PM, she knows how to free up Britain’s service economy by stopping the people it depends upon from moving around.

Celebrate, residents of Northern Ireland. Trust the PM to place your country in a kind of neither-in-nor-out limbo. She knows that a return of the Troubles and creating a smuggler’s paradise is the best for Britain.

Residents of Gibraltar, open the sangria to commemorate the day you were sacrificed for the sake of the PM’s job. You will not be forgotten unless it is politically convenient to do so.

Little Englanders, be glad that the PM has given you the opportunity to create new dishes from vermin. Put the rat into steak and kidney pie, and the toad into toad in the hole.

Alternatively we could tell her to stop this madness and give us our country back.