Theresa May’s frankly unbelievable government has come up with a neat solution to the problem of poverty. It is simply a matter of redefining being poor as a criminal activity.
LCD Views’ Mediaeval Values correspondent brought the inside story on this momentous piece of legislation, which is believed to have come directly from the Downing Street bunker.
“The method is simple and effective, like all this government’s policies,” claimed Number Ten spokesman Tommie Wrott. “Any person allegedly resident in the UK with a low income, by which I of course mean £50,000 or under, is now considered a drain on the country’s scant resources. All their economic activity will henceforth be deemed illegal. Their wages of sin will be directed into the bank accounts of wealth creators and Conservative Party supporters. As punishment, these lowlifes will be forced to live and work in concentration camps – I mean, factories – until their debt to society has been paid off in full. With interest.”
That sounds like a return to the workhouse, an unnecessarily punitive measure.
“No, not at all,” countered Wrott. “It is simply to discourage anyone who is considering becoming poor. The message must be loud and clear that poverty is unacceptable in modern Britain.”
Wrott explained that this drive is part of the crusade to achieve a low-tax, small state economy. “After all, it says in the Bible, ‘He who has much will be given more, and will have an abundance. But the one who has not, even what little he has will be taken away.’ A nice touch coming from a vicar’s daughter.”
This is a clarion call to the idle, workshy poor to get on their bike and walk into a valuable, responsible job managing a workhouse, rewarded with a fat salary and company BMW. Jobs like that are two a penny, so there’s no excuse.
Also, like being an MP, any old fool could do it, which goes a long way to explaining British management techniques and its superbly functioning democracy.