The Metropolitan Police have announced plans to combat manpower reductions by deploying a new force of “Holographic Police”.
Speaking to reporters via Skype Metropolitan Police commissioner Cressida Dick explained that given the rapidly increasing rates of online crime it is only right that the Police should be allowed to “fight fire with fire”.
“Given that the government has lost touch with reality, and slashed our funding there is virtually nothing we can do about rising crime rates, so we felt it was only right that we start deploying “virtual” police officers,” she said pointing out that the great advantage with holograms is that they can be kitted out with the most terrifying of hardware without the fear of them actually killing or maiming anyone.
“So machine guns, gas grenades, anti tank weapons…but no more messy, wrongful killing trials or costly compensation payments – peachy,” she smiled.
Commenting on the radical move Home Secretary Sajid Javid confirmed that the government plans to begin rolling out the new virtual police force across the whole country just as soon as the funds are available.
“Obviously London and the home counties come first, because no one north of Watford is expected to vote Tory after the post Brexit economic collapse,” he explained.
“But we will be supplying provincial forces with slide projectors and some very realistic cardboard cut outs, to tide them over until new funding is available” he said explaining that a new round of unfulfilable spending promises painted on the sides of buses is expected any day now.