Your wise and wonderful government has hit on the perfect wheeze to solve the problem of the Irish Border.
”We’re going to deny there even is a Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland or even The Irish Sea,” Theresa Villiers, former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland told LCD Views, “this also removes a job title from my CV that frankly I’ve been baffled by since it appeared there.”
The decision to deny the existence of Northern Ireland not only puts to rest the border problem, it alleviates the need to scramble about inventing unlikely technological solutions to a problem created solely by the government.
”It’ll get Arlene Foster off Theresa May’s case too,” Mrs Villiers added, “now Ms May can get on just taking her orders from Rupert Murdoch, just like old times.”
But what about the people who say ignoring the existence of massive problems created intentionally by government policy won’t actually solve them?
”It certainly solves them for us!” The forever Secretary of State for Somewhere that doesn’t exist snapped back.
Presumably you could apply the same solution to other non-problems, like homelessness, in work poverty, climate change, underfunding of schools leading to increased taxation by way of schools having to levy fees directly onto hard pressed parents.
”All sorted,” Mrs Villiers clicked her fingers, “just like that. Most problems are really only problems if you think about them.”
And you don’t do that?
”No one in government does. It’s better that way for everyone. But before we go I have to correct you on one point.”
Which is?
”The people created the problems, not the government. They elected us in the first place.”