Category: Governing the people

LCD Views can report this morning on deep fears regarding how UK Gov will cope with the shock revelation that transport guru Chris Grayling and trade superhero Liam Fox have been ordered into hiding in the Ecuadorian embassy.

It’s believed, although not confirmed in the slightest, that negotiations are currently underway with Julian Assange to have extra bunk beds installed in his broom cupboard to give somewhere for the bungling cabinet ministers to rest.

“They’ve got to hide out somewhere,” our hide ‘n seek analyst reports, “what with Grayling turning everything he touches to turds and Fox finding his big mouth catching up with him, it’s only a matter of time before they generate so much scorn that government grinds to a halt.”

It’s believed Mr Assange was initially receptive to have room mates, but the negotiation is getting bogged down in the details.

“Julian will only let them stay now if they agree to clean out the cat litter tray. He’s run into a bit of strife with the long suffering staff in the embassy over his unwillingness to do chores. He’s also demanding they bring him a special edition of Pokemon Go that he can play just inside the embassy. That’ll take time to work up.”

But the real concerns are what will happen after the dynamic cabinet ministers actually put down their swags.

“There’s a genuine fear that Fox will insist he can takeover discussions with the Americans on Julian’s behalf and Julian will find himself in the back of a van, drugged and experiencing rendition within the hour. And then Grayling of course, is likely to burn down the entire embassy attempting to set fire to one of his farts to amuse the other boys, and thus Assange will find himself out on the pavement. And that’s the last place he wants to be.”

Suggestions they should just hide under a rock have been dismissed because pretty much the entirety of government is already there.

The entirely sane and rational government has paid out £33m to Eurotunnel because they no longer run a ferry service. This follows the award of a ferrying contract to a ferry company lacking any actual ferries. It comes as no surprise to anyone to discover that, once again, Chris Grayling is heavily implicated.

Eurotunnel claimed the payment because they once did run a ferry service. By implication, and invoking the mythical ‘Dunkirk Spirit’, every Brit who has ever owned a boat is also entitled to compensation. Claims can be made via an app on your Android device.

Despite being a train company, ferrying goods over water is very much in their remit, claims Eurotunnel spokeswoman, Victoria Station. “We have at all times indicated our willingness to run trains across the English Channel,” claimed Station. “Chris Grayling has us on what passes for his radar. All we need is a commitment from the government to provide the necessary infrastructure.”

In the interim, she continues, Eurotunnel bought a boat or two to form a ‘heritage’ service over the waves. “It is unreasonable that the government should overlook us,” said Station. “We will continue to claim compensation for not running a ferry service, and the more ferry services we don’t run, the more money we will claim.”

In the event of a No Deal Brexit, Eurotunnel will not be able to run trains, and will invoice the government for every train they do not run.

LCD Views managed to speak to Chris Grayling himself in his office, which closely resembled a soft play centre. Why, we asked, pay out vast sums of taxpayers’ money to a company because they haven’t provided a service? Fifteen minutes, and numerous dumbings down of the question later, Grayling remarked, “Seems reasonable to me.”

Clearly, the same logic applies to MPs’ pay rises. They have awarded themselves money for every Brexit promise they do not fulfil.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-47414699

The tail belonging to the dogsbody politic denies being in control. I don’t wag anything, he claims disingenuously.

“In fact, the mere notion that one could be considered to be in charge is rather uplifting,” he wagged. So uplifted is he, that he is no longer able to conceal the dogsbody’s arse.

Nevertheless, the body is being dragged, inexorably, towards the point of no return. The tail, which lacks any true vision, appears to be controlling a worryingly docile dog.

“Believe me when I say that it has nothing to do with me and my fleas,” insisted the tail. “We owe our very existence to the body, and the fact that we suck its blood and cause it enormous irritation is irrelevant. It is equally irrelevant to suggest that the massive weight dangling over the cliff edge, tied to myself and labelled ‘Property of Mr. V. Putin’, has anything to do with the current unfortunate situation.”

Reassuring words indeed.

There are cunning plans afoot to dock the tail in order to save the dog. Rebel MP Chuka Handgrenade expanded the idea for us. “An animal dangling by the tail over a blazing pit of sulphur will rely upon the tail for its survival,” Chuka said. “It would even worship the parasites determined to drain its strength in order to preserve its own hide. Remove this renegade tail, and the dog will live to fight another day.”

The dog’s head is determined to speak out of its own arse, and refuses to acknowledge the inevitable result of stalling until it is too late. It refuses to bring its own tail under control or to seek treatment for the fleas. It is completely barking, the tired bark of a dog that has, in truth, given up.

Life’s a bitch. It’s hardly the dog’s bollocks, much more a dog’s breakfast. Pedigree Chum, anyone?

LCD Views has spoken to a woman today who has a lot of power and is not using it to make other people happier.

“Why ever would I do that?” she asked us, even though we were conducting the interview, “what have people I don’t know ever done for me?”

That’s not the answer we expect from a vicar’s daughter!

”If bible study taught me one lesson, it’s the value of vengeance,” she smiles, not at all disarmingly, “if they disappoint you turn them to salt. If they really disappoint you it’s fire and brimstone. I’m working on that now.”

You didn’t get passed the Old Testament, did you?

”Traditional values are what I espouse. Little Englanders of my stripe traditionally support policies that make Scots, Irish, Welsh and all those ruddy continentals unhappier. Why would I break the pattern just because I have power?

”If someone looks funny to you then they are up to no good. Best to deal with it quickly,

”Especially if they were invited to the U.K. from far away, but have now finished as a working taxpayer. Retired people from other countries aren’t going to fund the corporate tax breaks of the future, they’ll just make them harder to dispense.”

While it’s nice to have a wander in the unweeded corners of your mind, why not just take No Deal off the table?

”It would weaken my negotiating hand.”

Threatening to chop off your hand and fling it at someone isn’t much of a strategy, especially if it’s only your hand that’s being chopped off.

”Ah! That’s where you’re wrong. If I’m lucky I’ll catch the top of their finger while I’m at it. Failing that, I’ll give them one bugger of a dry cleaning bill.”

You’re not convincing anyone you know.

”The EU always makes a deal at the last minute. I’ve just to look crazy enough to do the unthinkable.”

That’s a last minute deal between member states, not with a departing member who is threatening to automatically become a third country and embrace a dramatic reduction in their power.

So, why not, just take No Deal off the table and make millions and millions of people happier?

There was no response to that, it was clearly a concept that didn’t compute.

”Happier means happier,” oh hang on! “and I’m not making a success of that.”

LCD Views can report that German animal rescue are facing some tough questioning today after saving Boris Johnson from a manhole.

It appears one of the fatter rats of British politics was on a secret mission to Germany to browbeat the German car industry into saving Brexit when the mishap occurred.

“The MP for Umbridge and South Rooslips was apparently making his way between the headquarters of BMW to Audi when he got into trouble,” our German correspondent reports, “it appears a troupe of blonde German women, dressed in traditional clothing and blowing horns crossed his path and the temptation was too much.”

Mr Johnson is reported to have veered off course in pursuit of the blondes, but he accidentally crossed paths with one of the multitude of scorned women from his past, coincidentally in Germany on holiday.

“In order to evade the former mistress Mr Johnson performed his classic, classy move of diving for the nearest sewer,” our correspondent goes on, “a place, politically speaking, he feels exceptionally well evolved for and safe in for being well concealed.”

But a recent weight gain caused the big rat to get stuck.

“He’s carrying so much sin around now that it’s no longer possible for him to hide in the shadows. It was bound to go wrong.”

Quite why German animal rescue services didn’t just leave him squealing in the manhole cover is anyone’s guess.

“They’ll be some tough questions asked that’s for sure,” our correspondent ends, “but a deep sense of relief will be felt at the headquarters of Audi as the mishap seems to have permanently postponed Mr Johnson’s visit. But it’s bad luck for the Brexiter personally, because if the German car industry won’t save Brexit at the eleventh hour, then no one will.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-47370291

David “Thick as mince” Davis is to receive a new lease of life, after his day in the sun as Brexit Secretary ended some time ago. He is to be dish of the day, as that old British favourite, spaghetti Bolognese.

“There’s life in the old dog yet!” exclaimed a delighted Davis, before remarking that a good spag bol does not contain dog meat, not before Brexit at any rate. Davis is stockpiling supplies of tomatoes and spaghetti, but has promised to supply the red wine himself.

Davis has also offered to diversify. He is teaming up with Mr Potato Head himself, Andrew “Thick as mash” Bridgen, to produce a Hi-ERG shepherd’s pie. This will be served on two short planks by Chris Grayling.

This plan was also going swimmingly, until Dominic “Welsh Raab-it” Raab intervened. Raab objected to Davis’ plans after suddenly realising that spag bol is actually Italian. He offered to make everybody cheese on toast instead.

Davis’ constituents in Gammon-on-Humber are delighted with the news. “It’s about time David showed his true colours!” claimed local Conservative Party activist Mo Bilitiscuter. “He has always been keen on the grass roots, and what better way to connect with his people than feeding them?”

Extensive research revealed that Gammon-on-Humber has been held by Conservative foodstuffs since 1837. One particularly tenacious bowl of tripe apparently held the seat for over 30 years during the late Victorian era.

At the last election, Davis faced a mixed bag of opponents. Labour put up a tub of lard, several back numbers of The Guardian stood for the Lib Dems, and UKIP’s candidate was a cardboard cut-out of Nigel Farage. Davis romped to victory as only a portion of processed meat can.

Bilitiscuter did have one reservation, though. “Brexit might bring food shortages,” Mo remarked. “In which upcycling like this will prove invaluable. Gammon-on-Humber is already making No Deal prepatations by bringing back the popular TV show set on a North Sea ferry, Triangle.”

It’s certainly food for thought.

Mrs Tusk, a twelve year old fictional elephant currently residing in a make believe Dover safari park, is being hailed as the next bright hope for promotion to service in May’s cabinet. The development comes as the government scouts for talent to run a soon to be created ministry for intentional disasters.

”It’s because of the elephant’s deliberate creation of a document with more detail than any government No Deal contingency yet produced,” an insider in the prime minister’s office told us, while we helped burn papers relating to scandals still to come.

“Thanks for helping burn these documents. It’s a great relief most of MSM British media is so pro-Tory and blithely disinterested in all the crime relating to the advisory referendum. It’s almost like an establishment stitch-up. But that couldn’t be the case, as the official opposition leaders are disinterested in the crimes too.”

We don’t mind burning stuff. May might really be in the poop if everything she did as Home Office Chief Executioner 2010-2016 were to come out in a rush. Best it’s drip fed, one scandal of poor governance after another.

But whether or not Mrs Tusk is willing to serve in May’s cabinet is yet to be ascertained.

”We’ve made noises that ivory trade bad. Elephant good,” the insider commented, “why wouldn’t the elephant serve? After we arrange a by-election, get her parachuted in as a candidate and elected with a majority equivalent to her weight.”

Maybe she would be worried that the intensity of line work and attention to detail, so evident in her work to date relative to government work, would be dismissed out of hand by Ms May?

”Well, that would only happen if it contradicted the government’s chosen policy agendas.”

So you mean to say if the papers Mrs Tusk produced were evidence based, rather than complete insanity solely designed to further neocon economics and normalise alt-right politics?

”Precisely. Wow. You’ve got a grasp. You fancy coming to work for us?”

I’d rather watch ‘Love Island’ all year without a toilet break.

”So that’s a yes?”

No. But good luck recruiting Mrs Tusk.

”Thanks. It would be lovely to have a real elephant in the cabinet. It might distract attention from the herd of metaphorical ones that are making it almost impossible to get any magical thinking done.”

“It’s amazing what a few splitters can achieve in just a few short days,” LCD Views Crystal Balls says, “although I’d prefer a baker’s dozen by midday today. Another rocket into the bunkers of the old Brexit parties to see the old men and women stumble out from their well padded holes in the ground, faces smeared with the soot of more defections.”

Will eleven departures from Labour and Tory, and a bonus Austin, be enough to force the captains of the Global Titanic Britain to change course, even as the bows of the once great ship of state scrape along the unrelenting iceberg?

”The stinking shit of state is more accurate, currently,” Crystal Balls replies, “bobbing on top of the filth swells on the sea of despair.”

That’s a smelly situation to find yourself in. It’s no way to run a country, unless you want to run it into the ground. As a few seem to want to do, based on the last few years.

”Yes indeed. But looking at what lies outside the bunker. The bot armies. The rent a gob fascists on the street. The tribal political groupings furious and baffled. That’s why more rats haven’t jumped off the ship yet,” Balls rolls on, not forgetting we’re mixing it up with bunker, ships and shits,

“they’re looking at the waters so full already of the wreckage of jobs and lives caused by the duopoly at Westminster pursuing Brexit and thinking, I don’t want to bob about in there.”

Well they may need to. Leave means leave. Get out of the old parties and take a dip.

”I want them too. Another handful leave each and we can watch as Tragic Grandpa and the Maybot begin to fight one another to turn the big wheel to starboard before the Brexitberg tears a giant hole in the hull of all we hold dear.”

Prime (in name only) Minister Theresa May has been sittin’ on the dock of the bay for a very long time now. Nobody can persuade her to move, and she has a permit to sit there until 2022.

Originally she was surrounded by a whole gang of optimistic supporters, waiting for their ship to come in. One by one, her companions have drifted away, as they became aware of the futility of their task.

Some have even jumped ship in an effort to drag her away from the precipice. So far this has had no effect, as she sits there, a rudderless figurehead, captain of a sinking ship.

LCD Views asked her what she was doing there. “I’m watchin’ the ships roll in,” she said, “then I watch ’em roll away again.” A plausible response, except that she was sitting on Ramsgate’s disused harbour watching the ferries run by Seaborne Freight.

That won’t do, we said. There must be more to being Prime Minister.

“Yes, I’m sittin’ here restin’ my bones,” croaked May. “And this loneliness won’t leave me alone. But I’m Primed for action, should it be required.”

You know this makes you Prime Suspect in The Case of the Missing Brexit, don’t you?

“I can’t do what ten people tell me to do,” she droned obliquely, staring blankly out to sea. “So I guess I’ll remain the same.”

This business with hating brown people makes you more Prime Gammon than Prime Minister. It’s not a good look.

“I’ve got nothin’ to live for,” she moaned. “Looks like nothin’s gonna come my way, so I’m just sittin’ on the dock of the bay, watchin’ the tide roll away with all my hopes and dreams.”

We left her there, more sub-Prime than Optimus Prime, sittin’ on the dock of the bay, wastin’ time.

“I’m not into dog whistle politics, just to trigger the Tory voter base, and further my own leadership ambitions, by proving I can be well hard on the children of immigrants,” someone claiming to be Sajid Javid told LCD Views in an imagined conversation today,

“I’m perhaps just a brazen political opportunist, some may say, and I hope my stripping Jeremy Corbyn of his citizenship today displays that quality.”

But surely that’s not possible, as Mr Corbyn was born in Britain and has committed no crime?

”Oh, didn’t you hear we’ve made possession of books with red covers a crime on a par with treason. And besides, I reckon he has Russian citizenship. He’s fine. He can go to Moscow. He’s friends who know the city well enough.”

But doesn’t, arguably, abusing your office of state and its powers for political aims make our democracy less safe? Surely it’s the thin edge of the wedge? Who next?

”You! Ha! You’re next. You once wrote an article critical of Corbyn, after ninety nine bashing my government, so I figured, well, you criticise Corbyn 1% of the time, you’re clearly a paid up Tory shill and I should tell our social media arm to give you a payrise. But now I’m not so sure…”

Wait, the government has a social media arm? You could have fooled me!

”You’re only making it worse for yourself.”

So when are you announcing that you’ve done it? That you’ve taken citizenship off the leader of the official opposition purely out of political opportunism?

”The 23rd of March will do it.”

Why then?

”Because that’s when the next People’s Vote March is planned for London and you can guarantee the absolute boy will be overseas doing something worthy at the time.”

One more thing…

”Yes?”

You’re not really Sajid Javid are you?

”No. I’m a political leek.”