David “Thick as mince” Davis is to receive a new lease of life, after his day in the sun as Brexit Secretary ended some time ago. He is to be dish of the day, as that old British favourite, spaghetti Bolognese.
“There’s life in the old dog yet!” exclaimed a delighted Davis, before remarking that a good spag bol does not contain dog meat, not before Brexit at any rate. Davis is stockpiling supplies of tomatoes and spaghetti, but has promised to supply the red wine himself.
Davis has also offered to diversify. He is teaming up with Mr Potato Head himself, Andrew “Thick as mash” Bridgen, to produce a Hi-ERG shepherd’s pie. This will be served on two short planks by Chris Grayling.
This plan was also going swimmingly, until Dominic “Welsh Raab-it” Raab intervened. Raab objected to Davis’ plans after suddenly realising that spag bol is actually Italian. He offered to make everybody cheese on toast instead.
Davis’ constituents in Gammon-on-Humber are delighted with the news. “It’s about time David showed his true colours!” claimed local Conservative Party activist Mo Bilitiscuter. “He has always been keen on the grass roots, and what better way to connect with his people than feeding them?”
Extensive research revealed that Gammon-on-Humber has been held by Conservative foodstuffs since 1837. One particularly tenacious bowl of tripe apparently held the seat for over 30 years during the late Victorian era.
At the last election, Davis faced a mixed bag of opponents. Labour put up a tub of lard, several back numbers of The Guardian stood for the Lib Dems, and UKIP’s candidate was a cardboard cut-out of Nigel Farage. Davis romped to victory as only a portion of processed meat can.
Bilitiscuter did have one reservation, though. “Brexit might bring food shortages,” Mo remarked. “In which upcycling like this will prove invaluable. Gammon-on-Humber is already making No Deal prepatations by bringing back the popular TV show set on a North Sea ferry, Triangle.”
It’s certainly food for thought.