The entirely sane and rational government has paid out £33m to Eurotunnel because they no longer run a ferry service. This follows the award of a ferrying contract to a ferry company lacking any actual ferries. It comes as no surprise to anyone to discover that, once again, Chris Grayling is heavily implicated.
Eurotunnel claimed the payment because they once did run a ferry service. By implication, and invoking the mythical ‘Dunkirk Spirit’, every Brit who has ever owned a boat is also entitled to compensation. Claims can be made via an app on your Android device.
Despite being a train company, ferrying goods over water is very much in their remit, claims Eurotunnel spokeswoman, Victoria Station. “We have at all times indicated our willingness to run trains across the English Channel,” claimed Station. “Chris Grayling has us on what passes for his radar. All we need is a commitment from the government to provide the necessary infrastructure.”
In the interim, she continues, Eurotunnel bought a boat or two to form a ‘heritage’ service over the waves. “It is unreasonable that the government should overlook us,” said Station. “We will continue to claim compensation for not running a ferry service, and the more ferry services we don’t run, the more money we will claim.”
In the event of a No Deal Brexit, Eurotunnel will not be able to run trains, and will invoice the government for every train they do not run.
LCD Views managed to speak to Chris Grayling himself in his office, which closely resembled a soft play centre. Why, we asked, pay out vast sums of taxpayers’ money to a company because they haven’t provided a service? Fifteen minutes, and numerous dumbings down of the question later, Grayling remarked, “Seems reasonable to me.”
Clearly, the same logic applies to MPs’ pay rises. They have awarded themselves money for every Brexit promise they do not fulfil.