The entire machinery of government is now focused on preparing Britons for life outside of the European Union, and to celebrate the coming departure from common sense a series of informercials are shortly to be released.
“Can I milk a cat?” is to premiere over the weekend, with the BBC devoting the entirety of BBC 2’s weekend scheduling to this film and many others.
“It’s incredibly exciting,” a Downing Street aide told us, “we’ve been brainstorming up a storm for weeks. Clearly the supplies of some day to day items maybe impacted by the traitorous adherence to international rules by EU27 countries, but Britons are resourceful and we will overcome.”
As part of the series Britons will not only learn how to successfully restrain and milk felines, they will also learn how to make bread from items found on the street.
“The gutters and pavements are a resource long ignored by Britons too busy preparing the bunting for what’s to come,” the aide continued, “just imagine the pride you will feel in your children’s accomplishments when they successfully repair a window broken in rioting with empty soda cans?”
“Should I eat my neighbour’s pets first or my own?” will also be shown, as part of encouraging community cohesion as we take the great leap forward.
“Do I call on my elderly neighbours even if I know they may ask for help to put out the burning car that’s crashed in their front yard?” will be followed by “Medieval medicine revisited and how you can make a success of leeching”.
It’s an exciting time to be alive Global Britons. And yes, you can milk a cat, but only if you’re willing to endure the scratches.
“No pain, no gain,” the aide reassures, “and for predatory capitalists waiting to buy your home out from under you during the post Brexit crash, there’s a lot to gain from your pain.”