Category: Governing the people

LCD Views can report this morning that a woman now only held together by spit, glue and fear is to continue disintegrating before our eyes.

“I expect a limb to fall off when she next enters the House of Commons to speak,” our political analyst muses, “her voice is already gone. She had to use a Gove hand puppet and ventriloquism yesterday.”

And exactly which part of the Murdoch puppet, which is coming apart at the seams, will fail next is where the hot speculation is.

“Ladbrokes are offering 7/4 on a finger falling off. 8/5 for a toe popping off as she stumbles into the chamber. William Hill will give you 25/1 for both eyes popping out of her head simultaneously the next time Jess Phillips gives her a verbal. It’s exciting times for political betting! I can tell you that.”

But it’s not just traditional bookmakers who are getting in on it?

“Oh no. Farage is running an allegedly illegal book as a subsidiary of some insurance company in Gibraltar with a mate, it’s alleged anyway, but I wouldn’t say it’s in anyway proven. Anyway, Dodgy Nige’s Betting Shop will give you 2/1 on a fascist doing something to make her ears melt. But I’d steer well away from them and stick to the traditional shops.”

So where would you suggest putting a sneaky fiver?

“I’d take the Paddy Power 10/1 on a little door popping open in the back of her head and a spring coming out with some electrical sparks. They’ve said they’ll pay out half odds if only the door pops, or sparks start fizzing from anywhere above her shoulders. It’s a tidy little bet.”

One thing is certain, as the pressure mounts, as the failure increases and the clock winds down in the final furlongs of March, all bets are off for the Maybot. We mean, really on the nose.

Concern is flaring inside the funeral parlours of the United Kingdom this morning at news that a select, and secretive, committee in parliament is drawing up plans for how to bury Brexit, now that it’s finally almost dead. But expected to rear up again as a zombie, even before it gets the last rites.

“To be honest we don’t normally deal in zombie burials,” Mrs Sixth Feetdep, founder of Ungodly Holes – Funeral services for the undead, told LCD Views,

“cremations of course. Keep hitting it in the head with the flat of a shovel until you’ve forced the damn thing into the oven. Slam the door closed. Fire up the gas. Bobs your uncle. But a burial? That’s very old fashioned. We’d have to do research.”

But Mrs Sixth Feetdep need not worry too much, as the procedure for dealing with such ungodly abominations is very well established and has been handed down through history.

“Oh really? Well, if you’re the expert all of a sudden, why don’t you tell me?”

(permission to treat the witness as hostile? – denied, stay professional)

It’s straightforward. You deal with Brexit like a medieval village would have dealt with a suspected vampire.

“A stake through it’s heart, a stone in its mouth and a burial in a deep hole at a crossroads at midnight?”

See! You’ve got it. Just make sure you use a t-bone steak, not rump, and you freeze it hard first, or you’ll never hammer it in there. And there’s just one modern twist the select committee will also request, to ensure a strong and stable burial.

“What’s that?”

Put a blue passport in its hands first and make sure the steak goes right through it also.

Mourners attending the service are requested to party.

 

Prime-ish Minister Theresa May must enjoy being a masochist. Repeatedly banging her head on a brick wall has become her principal pastime. The only rational explanation is that she enjoys the pain.

May is flying to Strasbourg to try to negotiate more last-ditch amendments to her crappy Brexit ‘deal’. Sources confirm that Jean-Claude Juncker is savouring the chance to tell May to bugger off in person.

Like a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly, as the proverb states. May is expected to have used all the sick bags on her flight before she has left UK airspace.

Northern France is bracing itself for a shitstorm, as it is anticipated that May will also make frequent use of the aeroplane toilet.

So a haggard husk of a woman will arrive in Strasbourg, smelling like an understaffed care home and shrieking “You need us more than we need you! We have 65 million people, you only have half a billion, 65 is bigger than a half!”. To which Juncker will calmly reply, “Bugger off!”

At this point, the woman will happily depart, vomit-flecked and diarrhoea-spattered, back to London and home.

She will return triumphantly, step off the aeroplane and say “I hold in my hand a piece of lavatory paper. I believe it represents peace for our toilet.” While this will cause jubilation among the bedwetters and shit-stirrers, the truce will only last until Parliament again instructs her to return to Juncker, so he can, once again, tell her to bugger off.

How long will Grey May last? She has been elevated way beyond her ability because of the collective short-term interests of a bunch of greedy, immature posh boys. She knows that she is up to her neck in crap, but her lack of imagination leaves her with no idea about how to escape it.

Politics has gone fully reducto ad absurdum. Brexit will be proved by contradiction. Now bugger off.

Breaking news today that potentially delusional, definite control freak, wayward vicar’s daughter and somehow still prime minister, Theresa May, is to address the nation this evening ahead of a key votes in parliament this week.

“She’s going to draw on history and lay out a big one,” an insider at 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “she’s been looking back over the great speeches of past leaders she admires. Stalin, Mao, Cromwell (Irish genocidal phase), Henry VIII and other role models, but in the end some lackey insisted she go for JFK and tweak it.”

But it won’t be the time worn phrasing that is now so old hat, Ms May has twisted the words to give them the kick in the pants she and the Conservative Party require.

“Ask not what you can do for your country, but what you can do to keep the Tory Party together, that’s got a very up to date feel to it,” the insider said, “I mean it’s the guiding ethos of the party of government. We all know that anything required can be sacrificed in order to maintain at least a surface appearance of Tory Party unity. What will you give up today to help the cause? Everyone should be asking themselves that.”

Food. Medicine. Automotive manufacturing. Forefront of medical science. Pet passports. No roaming charges. The NHS itself?

“That’s a great start to the list. Can you think of anything else?”

We can think of a lot. But let’s put freedom of movement bound up with the life chances of the younger generation top of the pile to sacrifice.

“Perfect. Remember, it doesn’t matter what happens this week. It doesn’t matter if the power crazed and duplicitous executive pulls the votes. What matters is that the Tory party looks like it’s still together for another twenty four hours. May might burn the country to the ground and walk away, but at least she’ll be able to say she did her duty by the party.”

I think we can all learn from that.

The leadership (don’t laugh) of the Labour Party has added another incentive to their already rejected Brexit policy by stating “once they gain government very soon they will mint ‘Corbyn Coins’ for use in the fabulous Labour post Brexit economy”.

“Can you imagine seeing the face of the absolute boy every time you queue for your bread ration, before you go back to tilling your local green space?” Labour spokesman, Bazza Gardening, told LCD Views,

“it will warm your heart to know that ideologically you are pure, whatever the class traitors running Honda decide to do. And as you hand over the Corbyn Coin you are serving a higher purpose. Then you can eat as you lift the hammer high in one hand and the sickle in the other, the horizon filled with the light of a sun that is crimson, and say, our father, who art an absolute boy, I thank you this day for this slice of allotment bread,

“Imagine the looks on your children’s faces as you explain why a Labour Brexit also committed to ending freedom of movement, to stop those johnny foreigners undercutting their chimney sweeping wages?”

But while this is all well and good, and easily dismisses the concerns some in our office felt back at the start of 2017, when reading that Labour had learned from Trump’s electoral success in the US, and was going to start being more populist, what exactly the coins will be made of is causing no small amount of infighting within the party.

“Some think they should be meat based, a gammon derivative,” Bazza waffled on, and on, and on, basically just producing a word salad, “but in order to adhere to the only correct belief system, that of the magic grandfather, we believe they should be vegetarian.”

Labour had better hurry up and sort out exactly what the recipe for the Corbyn Coins will be, as it’s the most certain thing on Earth that going into the GE that will be called any day now and offering the country Lexit, as opposed to Brexit, is sure to see them command a sizeable majority. Mostly of complete and total disbelief, but still a sizeable majority. Spend it wisely.

Sources close to the government of the UK have warned that the country has fallen for a social media hoax, and as a result is preparing to commit suicide. The Momo challenge has reached the corridors of power, and the country is on the brink.

The UK has apparently accessed a toxic variant, known as the Bojo challenge.

The hoax works by setting participants a series of tasks, of increasing difficulty and undesirability. Failure to comply results in realistic threats. In extreme circumstances, the player can get drawn into the game. In this case, the player believes that they are in control, but in reality they are still being played. This is where the UK is right now.

As usual, the challenges start simple and subtle. The first Bojo challenge was to rig a public vote. No trouble, but then the threats started. “Go hard, or I withdraw my support,” was one such threat, from a user codenamed ‘Nannyman’. “Send in a useless negotiator, because you know you’re on to a loser,” was another. This particular challenge has been repeated three times so far.

Insider and interweb expert Sir Chen Djinn gave LCD Views an insight. “The ultimate challenge, often veiled, now overt, is ‘No deal! No deal! Fall off the cliff! Everything is pointless. Commit economic suicide!’,” revealed Sir Chen. “The hoaxers behind the Bojo challenge are seeing how far the UK’s leaders will go before somebody steps in to stop the rot. I believe that the hoaxers have organised a sweepstake, and there is a bowl of borscht and a litre of Smirnoff at one of Moscow’s top restaurants waiting for the winner.”

Bojo is widely believed to be a fake profile with a bizarre avatar, set up under a veneer of respectability. The Bojo hoax is doubly effective because there is a real-life fake politician with a bizarre avatar operating in the UK, using the name ‘Nigel Farage’.

Brexit is a hoax. Who dares say it out loud, and deny Vladimir Putin his posh nosh?

LCD Views can report this morning on deep fears regarding how UK Gov will cope with the shock revelation that transport guru Chris Grayling and trade superhero Liam Fox have been ordered into hiding in the Ecuadorian embassy.

It’s believed, although not confirmed in the slightest, that negotiations are currently underway with Julian Assange to have extra bunk beds installed in his broom cupboard to give somewhere for the bungling cabinet ministers to rest.

“They’ve got to hide out somewhere,” our hide ‘n seek analyst reports, “what with Grayling turning everything he touches to turds and Fox finding his big mouth catching up with him, it’s only a matter of time before they generate so much scorn that government grinds to a halt.”

It’s believed Mr Assange was initially receptive to have room mates, but the negotiation is getting bogged down in the details.

“Julian will only let them stay now if they agree to clean out the cat litter tray. He’s run into a bit of strife with the long suffering staff in the embassy over his unwillingness to do chores. He’s also demanding they bring him a special edition of Pokemon Go that he can play just inside the embassy. That’ll take time to work up.”

But the real concerns are what will happen after the dynamic cabinet ministers actually put down their swags.

“There’s a genuine fear that Fox will insist he can takeover discussions with the Americans on Julian’s behalf and Julian will find himself in the back of a van, drugged and experiencing rendition within the hour. And then Grayling of course, is likely to burn down the entire embassy attempting to set fire to one of his farts to amuse the other boys, and thus Assange will find himself out on the pavement. And that’s the last place he wants to be.”

Suggestions they should just hide under a rock have been dismissed because pretty much the entirety of government is already there.

The entirely sane and rational government has paid out £33m to Eurotunnel because they no longer run a ferry service. This follows the award of a ferrying contract to a ferry company lacking any actual ferries. It comes as no surprise to anyone to discover that, once again, Chris Grayling is heavily implicated.

Eurotunnel claimed the payment because they once did run a ferry service. By implication, and invoking the mythical ‘Dunkirk Spirit’, every Brit who has ever owned a boat is also entitled to compensation. Claims can be made via an app on your Android device.

Despite being a train company, ferrying goods over water is very much in their remit, claims Eurotunnel spokeswoman, Victoria Station. “We have at all times indicated our willingness to run trains across the English Channel,” claimed Station. “Chris Grayling has us on what passes for his radar. All we need is a commitment from the government to provide the necessary infrastructure.”

In the interim, she continues, Eurotunnel bought a boat or two to form a ‘heritage’ service over the waves. “It is unreasonable that the government should overlook us,” said Station. “We will continue to claim compensation for not running a ferry service, and the more ferry services we don’t run, the more money we will claim.”

In the event of a No Deal Brexit, Eurotunnel will not be able to run trains, and will invoice the government for every train they do not run.

LCD Views managed to speak to Chris Grayling himself in his office, which closely resembled a soft play centre. Why, we asked, pay out vast sums of taxpayers’ money to a company because they haven’t provided a service? Fifteen minutes, and numerous dumbings down of the question later, Grayling remarked, “Seems reasonable to me.”

Clearly, the same logic applies to MPs’ pay rises. They have awarded themselves money for every Brexit promise they do not fulfil.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-47414699

The tail belonging to the dogsbody politic denies being in control. I don’t wag anything, he claims disingenuously.

“In fact, the mere notion that one could be considered to be in charge is rather uplifting,” he wagged. So uplifted is he, that he is no longer able to conceal the dogsbody’s arse.

Nevertheless, the body is being dragged, inexorably, towards the point of no return. The tail, which lacks any true vision, appears to be controlling a worryingly docile dog.

“Believe me when I say that it has nothing to do with me and my fleas,” insisted the tail. “We owe our very existence to the body, and the fact that we suck its blood and cause it enormous irritation is irrelevant. It is equally irrelevant to suggest that the massive weight dangling over the cliff edge, tied to myself and labelled ‘Property of Mr. V. Putin’, has anything to do with the current unfortunate situation.”

Reassuring words indeed.

There are cunning plans afoot to dock the tail in order to save the dog. Rebel MP Chuka Handgrenade expanded the idea for us. “An animal dangling by the tail over a blazing pit of sulphur will rely upon the tail for its survival,” Chuka said. “It would even worship the parasites determined to drain its strength in order to preserve its own hide. Remove this renegade tail, and the dog will live to fight another day.”

The dog’s head is determined to speak out of its own arse, and refuses to acknowledge the inevitable result of stalling until it is too late. It refuses to bring its own tail under control or to seek treatment for the fleas. It is completely barking, the tired bark of a dog that has, in truth, given up.

Life’s a bitch. It’s hardly the dog’s bollocks, much more a dog’s breakfast. Pedigree Chum, anyone?

LCD Views has spoken to a woman today who has a lot of power and is not using it to make other people happier.

“Why ever would I do that?” she asked us, even though we were conducting the interview, “what have people I don’t know ever done for me?”

That’s not the answer we expect from a vicar’s daughter!

”If bible study taught me one lesson, it’s the value of vengeance,” she smiles, not at all disarmingly, “if they disappoint you turn them to salt. If they really disappoint you it’s fire and brimstone. I’m working on that now.”

You didn’t get passed the Old Testament, did you?

”Traditional values are what I espouse. Little Englanders of my stripe traditionally support policies that make Scots, Irish, Welsh and all those ruddy continentals unhappier. Why would I break the pattern just because I have power?

”If someone looks funny to you then they are up to no good. Best to deal with it quickly,

”Especially if they were invited to the U.K. from far away, but have now finished as a working taxpayer. Retired people from other countries aren’t going to fund the corporate tax breaks of the future, they’ll just make them harder to dispense.”

While it’s nice to have a wander in the unweeded corners of your mind, why not just take No Deal off the table?

”It would weaken my negotiating hand.”

Threatening to chop off your hand and fling it at someone isn’t much of a strategy, especially if it’s only your hand that’s being chopped off.

”Ah! That’s where you’re wrong. If I’m lucky I’ll catch the top of their finger while I’m at it. Failing that, I’ll give them one bugger of a dry cleaning bill.”

You’re not convincing anyone you know.

”The EU always makes a deal at the last minute. I’ve just to look crazy enough to do the unthinkable.”

That’s a last minute deal between member states, not with a departing member who is threatening to automatically become a third country and embrace a dramatic reduction in their power.

So, why not, just take No Deal off the table and make millions and millions of people happier?

There was no response to that, it was clearly a concept that didn’t compute.

”Happier means happier,” oh hang on! “and I’m not making a success of that.”